Gracious Uncertainty...

there are so many times when all of us simply feel out-of-place, uncertain, worried, anxious, afraid... but that's when God can truly work within us... I read in the daily devotional "My Utmost for His Highest" that truly... when we are so darn sure about our lives and anticipate the next thing going so assiduously, that's when we don't trust God enough... we need some uncertainty... because when we feel uncertain about things... that's probably when we are most open to his leading and guiding... and God can sometimes ask us to radically change our thinking and traditions to fit into his perfect plan... we've got to be careful not to hold on to them too tightly...

and yet, we have a certain faith... a faith that's certain... that won't quiver in the midst of the storm... because although the weather might change for the better or worse... that doesn't really matter anymore... what matters is that the hand that leads us through is everlasting and everliving... ever consistent... and he promises he will deliver as promised...

so in the midst of my really mundane life right now... I have found new hope and happiness in him once again... not that I wasn't happy in him before... but possibly, I would like to find a new happiness in him every morning... every moment of the day. I know that isn't too much to ask in a God who's infinite in his love and ways...

God, I look to more of your teaching me... it ain't the results nor the situation that's the central focus anymore... it's how the results and situations teach me to look to your ways, to build my faith upon you... :)

do you ever feel like breaking down?

it's that Simple Plan's song... ringing in my little head... which isn't big enough to contain all that I have been through this week but I feel so cheated.. been through 4 examinations and yet, still got 2 more... haiz... oh well... so many of my friends are done... and tomorrow more would be so... as for me? got to stay home, read my notes... start the whole mugging thing all over again... gee... it was fun while it lasted... not cramming in between the papers... never was my habit... don't like it one bit...

nope, am not breaking down but it seems that yes, the paper was hard... he's mean... and he had the cheek to laugh in our faces during the exams... why, I should have thrown the whole booklet into someone's face... argh...

and mno was simply tiring for the hands to write... I think for the papers so far... I've done my best... there's nothing more that I can do... right now... except to concentrate on the last two... stats (yes, more math.... argh) and globalisation... (something I really like to have albeit a test but I've got nothing to offer as solutions to that test, I haven't started reading up)

feeling all rubbishy... feeling all weird and floating about... maybe it's the sandwich for dinner... haiz...

I'm seriously thinking of dropping the math minor idea... crazy days... argh... think would rather some arts minor.. got to check that one out though... :)

ok I shan't be a B**** and B**** about the paper...

the paper was a horrendously done one... the paper was horrific in length - too short... or rather, a few lines of words requiring truckloads of answers for 30 marks...

argh.

states my disgust with it... but I've got 4 more papers to go and I can't afford to brood over it too much...

after all, it's these four which are the do or die ones... have been doing very ok for the mid terms and stuff... not studying now... not going to stress my mind... have learnt my lesson with econs...

hmph... bring it on...

Quick quick... Get it done and over with...

I can't wait to get my econs test done and over with... Cause for me, that would be THE subject to conquer... It's tough... Challenging... And one would never know what's going to come out... So suppose you could have been studying for this one module for ages and yet never get a good grade... Ah, but for the love of the subject... I still tried anyway... And would try my best later on...

an hour and a half... Counting down...

it rained today... Couldn't get a place on the treadmill... Remind me never to go to the gym during rainy days... sheesh... so I went on the stepping machine... for half an hour... thought it was a little excessive but I had to... no choice but to burn off the fats in those chocs... and thank God I feel so much better... after a night's rest... last night I was coughing and having watery eyes and stuff... it was the chocs that made me blue... I don't blame anyone but myself for having such low resistance to them... ;P

coffee's in the tummy... now actually feeling overly alert... oh no... bad timing... but suppose it'll be optimal during the exam later... I think I want to eat just before... but wouldn't I be sleepy? argh....

Dilemmas...

cry me a genius... i need to be one...

saturated. in fact, started to crystalize...

too much information for a day... in fact, as much as I wouldn't like to think this... I actually have been saturated for some time already... I don't mind some of the programming stuff going out to make way for more econs and mno and calculus... and thereafter, everything else giving way for global and stats...

and I got back my global essay... did pretty much as expected... thank God for the decent grade... he really helped me to find the people to talk to on how to start planning and stuff... and how to type the footnotes etc... :)

I am so going to have to exercise alot... chocolates and sweets for snacks in between full meals isn't a fantastic idea right now... never in the future I guess... as well...

everyone else's on the dean's list it seems... oh well... thank God so many of my christian brothers and sisters are on the dean's list... really proud of them... ha... wonder whether I'll even have the chance to brush past it... a little?

chocs... nice and good... but making me giddy...

I've been eating too much... chocolates and the like being offered constantly by the nice people in the study fellowship have proven to be too much... now I'm feeling a little unwell and giddy... not to mention...

my last few moments before going to collect my dear essay... yeeks I'm having the aches just thinking about it...

and recently? reticent and more reticent... I wonder why? too much econs? or the realization that sometimes it doesn't pay to be too open and candid... a little reticence is bliss and beneficial sometimes... but it isn't me... I'd have to admit... sigh... I might just start talking to my econs text now... yikes...

Do I look that old? OH NO!

firstly, do i look like a year four to you? It had better be more of the settled feeling more than anything else or I'll really go on my knees to cry... sob... drip tears anyway...

Every single person whom I have gotten to know through VCF never fail to ask me why they hadn't seen me around more often before because I should be a year two, three or four nus student...

so as Mr Koh puts it, I just look really settled... xiaofen said it once too... so did many others... maybe that's a fantastic sign... that I do really belong here and I feel I belong... albeit my not realising it... after years in TJ and SHSS, I am finally free to find a place I can feel free to be myself... act myself... dress myself... and of course... to think and speak like myself...

the only thing i dread? their asking my cap score... haiz... if only I hadn't given so much tuition and taken part in so many cca activities last sem it would have been a paradigm difference... and not to forget, had I taken econs and accounting before... but what's done's done... sophie sophie... wake up, stop dreaming... with God, anything is possible...

of course I know it is... but I'm currently suffering due to the silly decisions made in the past... good thing they are that hard to forget... otherwise, I might have gotten worse this sem... who knows?

I guess I shall praise God in everything... :)

thank God it was manageable...

Prog's gone and done and over with... now for five more... econs is the killer and I'm seeking to slay it in the eye... Hopefully it doesn't counter-attack...

then MNO and calculus on friday... and then stats on wed and Global on friday...

eleven days of torture...

pending...

Somehow I don't feel like typing or saying much... lately... started since yesterday night... after my talk with my best friend... del... you understand me the best... don't know what to do without you... *argh, I sound lesbianish*

and yay... a date after the exams... :) thinking about it puts a smile on my face...

least it'll be like every other exam so far... something to look forward to... somewhere to vent my frustrations... like a roller coaster ride or something...

Choose Option Explicit...

Option Explicit

Dim NoOfSubjects As Integer, Grade As String

Public Sub DepressedLittleGirl()

NoOfSubjects = 0

For NoOfSubjects = 1 to 6, Step 1

Grade = ""

Grade = InputBox("What grade did you get for " & NoOfSubject & " ?", "GRADE")

IF Grade = A, THEN MsgBox "Congratulations! You've finally made yourself up to be what others think of you!", vbExclamation

ELSE

MsgBox "Go Soak your head and think about what you just did!!!"

Next NoOfSubjects

End Sub

girls never say what they mean... but so do guys...

subtle words in a song, quiet summing up of happenings... poetic thoughts on rampage... albeit being the worse time for it... played games... made fun... sarcasm and cynical thoughts at it's zenith... yet particularly draining and making one's brain bubble deflated...

you don't get what I mean... and neither do I what you mean... but it's only occasional, that's my guess...

some things are left better unsaid... subtleness comes as a tool... a weapon... a veil... but outwardly brash comments hides wealths of the unspoken... think about it... *smile*

michael schumacher... you're my hero...

rather than being the ditzy little girl who admires alonso because he's one of the better-lookers in F1... I'm rooting all for michael... he's strong-willed... a fighter... a risk-taker... a fantastic sports person... (his heart rate's like thirty-plus a minute...) and an extremely talented man who's not afraid to show his 'arrogance' for all people care... he thanks his team mates... gives them the credit... etc etc etc... I could go on for hours...

and... legendary michael did a fantastic job at the san marino grand prix today... from 13th place to 2nd... and he was fighting on all the way with alonso for pole position... never giving up...

you're my inspiration...

and perhaps some things have come a little clearer to me... in some areas... thank God... I only feel the peace... :) within me...

life begins at 58... and 42...

a stark reminder to commit all my plans to the Lord... and they shall succeed... an uncle from my church finally found his true love at 58, after having to raise two grown up children and a wife who left him for another early into his marriage... to add to it... he was looking and trying all means and ways to find 'her' but when he finally committed everything to the Lord and went into what the Lord called him to... missions... he found her... an english teacher in china with the exact same passion as he and the openness and wits to boot... :)

what a love story... he's 58, she's 42...

sigh... torrid love affairs and the like? argh... come on... love's more amazing than that... and when God sees it through... and let's it come through our submission... that is...

now you know why i act guyish sometimes... *shrug*

Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

desperado on the lookout...

for more time and energy and time and energy... and... you get the idea... ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!! I have no time left to complete the studying!!! God help me and bless me...

and here I am having so much the privilege of opening my notebook when I had to print something because silly me hasn't the habit of packing my stuff and I lost my solutions to some tutorials... which I didn't do... somewhere out there...

argh... stuff printed... got to go...

and tried packing my table, which was inevitable... in the end... because I had to find those lecture notes anyhow... wasn't a choice... hmph! :(

Don't think you see someone for who they really are...

Well the drama rehearsals kinda kicked off today and we went into acting mode... Well, at least, for me... Ha... I think I have this knack of acting myself... Abnormal and all and then suddenly plunge into 'krazi' mode... Into the 'drama' mode... I personally think this might be a little disconcerting to my younger friends who went with me to SYFC at aljunied... But while they were thoroughly shocked at that... The best was yet to be... *not an AC fan*

and so we went about trying the different roles to act out and I was so so darn sure I would be acting the bimbotic fool who mistakes everything for everything else... Since well... Over the years... It's been like that... I think... I pretty much think I enjoy acting that part... I like joking about it and stuff... But maybe I just don't make the cut... And maybe I just don't look the part... ??? I mean, when I was assigned the quiet 'Laura' in 'The Glass Menagerie'

who suffered from bouts of lack of self-esteem and self-contempt for the SYF in TJ... I almost puked... They said I 'looked' the part... The unassuming little girl who knows nuts... Well maybe yes I may know nuts... About some things...

and my friends in drama who would know me better always assigned me those roles of a 'bitch' so to speak... They know I can make anyone hate me... Just about anyone... :)

my friends who get to know me a little better never fail to let me know that they were thoroughly shocked when they got to know the real me... kraaasy, messssy, mischievous, quirky, forthright, stubborn, assertive *but learning to try to chill a little ")* etc etc etc... u get the idea... the question is... what did you think I was before you knew me for me?

ah and yet I didn't know I had a soft side to me... Ivy from SYFC said that I looked like the girl who gets cheated every ten steps she walks and can't make about much sense of the world and all's that's in it... I got a shock.

man... that's the best thing I've heard in ages... haha... and you're probably wondering... if you know me well enough... oh no... what is this girl going to do next???

and if you don't... well ignorance is bliss... trust me... *wink*

compiling this whole load of stuff... I think I'd have to agree that zhen ren bu lou mian... and what I look like, totally contradicts my person... I think... which is fun... very fun...

math geniuses are born, not made...

and somehow... I have been trying to grasp the concepts of all my topics in calculus... it's not easy... it sounded so 'glam' to be a business student (or artsy looking thing) studying something quite as obscure as calculus... kinda boosts of a multi-talented thingy... oh but I think I'll be able to handle it... no doubt... without the grades in perspective... hahaa...

and God has truly been my guide and help all the way... thank you Jesus... :)

it takes great skill in exercising one's mind to do an arts subject... to analyse... to put arguments forth, to do it convincingly... and it kinda clouds your little mind after a while... because there are so many possibilities... and no right nor wrong... ah, that's where people start rattling away in gibberish language...

and then again, for something quite as set and predictable as math or science... the skill comes in the comprehending the really difficult concepts (which are concepts based on the simplest idea made complicated by men)... and memorizing... and more practice... the geniuses here do not escape unscathed... they go psycho after a while... it's too 'exciting' for them... too much to delve into.. too much to understand and come up with...

for us the slackers? the people who memorize without understanding much (notice the word 'much' since you have to understand it to some extent to do some questions in the exam!!!)... we just stick around... and keep sane... because we never were VERY interested anyway... the trick to overcoming the science and math stuff? exercise sanity... it's very very important... which is why some of us just keep quiet and are pretty reticent... the battle's going on in the mind...

shush... do not disturb... the santity of sanity...

argh... I'm not exercising it anyway right now... gee... maybe I'm TOO interested in both... makes it worse...

so many commitments... so little time...

for once I'm concerned about not having enough time to study... God help me... since I don't think that I'm even halfway through for that matter and exams' in no time at all... add to that... tomorrow's auditions... (which means I have to get out of the house again...) and friday's cell group... (has always been a habit so that's ok) and saturday's leaders training at night at a methodist church (can't remember which... argh... my memory...)

but today was fine! more than fine actually... ha... me and mom went for facial... the massage... the mask... sigh... sure feels good... and ate myself silly at sakae sushi... heh... i know i know... it's horrendous eating but what the heck now... and the blueberry pie after which was fabulous...

math math math... sheesh... I'll so much rather mno...

learning from non-christian sources the problems in life...

from my management textbook... I've learnt alot... :) seems like when I was bombarded and literally flooded with inputs about organizational culture (arguably the most 'dead' topic here)... I found an idea somewhere somehow... seems like there are two ways to understand a organization's culture... looking into what is "VISIBLE" and what is "INVISIBLE"... similarly, there are two ways in finding out about a person's ideas and personality... even my own... I'm not too sure what I am thinking about at times and why I even think this way... coupled with asking my dear friends for feedback (which I learnt is a salient way of learning about myself)... I think I shall look into what else's visible... where do I find my 'heros' and what do the 'stories' I tell encompass? what are the 'rites and rituals' that I do daily? my heros? people who are extremely talented in sports, studies and pragmatic... basically people who are really grounded or brilliant... which means, perhaps that I would seek to be as such... (i don't know myself too well sometimes... so this is just a hypothesis I have yet to test out) my stories are always told of such people in my life... which is uncanny... since so many of my better friends are as such... (maybe birds of the same feather flock together? *luffs*) my rites and rituals? perfection... somewhat... in the areas that I feel the passion for though... not in every other thing...

does that make me a "boondoggle" in the spiritual sense? well... I'm still finding my area of service in the Lord in both the 'outside world' and 'within'... not that I'm not serving him right now... ha... in fact I think I keep on serving in more ways than I could accomodate for time... to find out which is it...

then again... leaving room for failure and grieving...

"If everything we try works, we aren't trying enough" McGuinn, Mellon Banks

"Unguarded strength is a double-weakness- because that is where the least likely temptations will be effective in sapping strength" - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

without accomodating unguarded time and strength... :)

PS sorry for the myriad of ideas... I haven't the time to consolidate everything to make it as clear as i should have liked... everything's pouring in like torrents of floodwaters...

msn. the welcome relief... yet the disturbance of the 'force'...

yikes I've been on msn for too long a time i think... and worse is going online and getting others disturbed too... i feel... yeeks... but yesterday was really really funny... spoke to some people online (shall leave their names out for now... you can guess them later...) and it was really hilarious... absolutely... nutty? the 'little boy' who got his foot injured was really making snide brit-homour-like remarks about his injury... hope you 'nailed' the paper anyhow today... :) and managed to hobble to yih... without being 'over'... *grin*

and yes mk, girls are dangerous... don't try getting too close to too many... may be more trouble than not... heh... *wink* (just a general reference ya?) (yes... I just MIGHT be dangerous as well... ha... ) (I'm still lying awake thinking of math... sheesh... that equation would never ever leave my dreams... you evil math professor-to-be... argh.)

and yes, making my list of people to catch up with and checking it twice... ")

the 'force' of studying is really affected somehow... sigh... God... i need to accelerate...

my childhood friend's still really mischevious... cal, you haven't changed one bit! i wonder how she stands you... haahhaa... *grin*

yes Karen, I look forward to our many conversations... ADORE talking to you... *laughs* we're so similar... in more ways than I can count huh?

ok I got to clear off some doubts...

I don't completely buy pastor prince's teachings... I only took some out of his teachings and quite a fair bit of it were my own conclusions *in my last blog entry*

I heard the tapes very critically and I'll admit... there are flaws... in his teachings... yet... there are very practical everyday examples which I would congratulate...

I know there has been recent flak about his teachings... and the like... people, I am not going to conclude whether this pastor is right or not... it all really boils down to yourself... read your bible... study your bible... and always listen to every preacher critically... does he always quote from certain selected readings to support his arguments? does he disregard the old testament? does he preach grace without the sin part coming in? and so on...

I'm trying to listen out my own pastors' teachings and every book that I come across and encounter as well... there is not perfect truth in men's words... although some or maybe even most of it may be true... ONLY THE BIBLE IS TRUE...

just thought that i should sharing some things here...

about what I learnt from the audio tapes I have been hearing, by pastor joseph prince... on marriage, dating, sex and all... and my views carried on the matter itself...

both man and woman are gifts from God... and no no... men are not from mars and neither women from venus...

it is perfectly alright to be single... yet we need to be perfectly-alright-singles! to be alone, yet not lonely, know our beloved state in Christ Jesus and to recognise our uniqueness and individualities... *wink*

there are no age limits to marriage! so why worry... *I know some of you guys out there are going to stone me for this already*

the man can be wonderful, no doubt, but does he complement your service?

GOD WILL NEVER CHOOSE FOR YOU *yes I know that's a hard one to swallow*

BUT... who is to say that God won't direct your steps to someone??? *notice I didn't say 'the one' but 'someone'*

pray to be in the right place at the right time...

pray to find rest in him... *waiting is not resting...*

pray not for spiritual giants but a teachable spirit, pray not for richess but monetary accountability... pray not for an accomplished man but a man who is faithful in small things to start with... pray not for the 'same denomination or church etc' - our God is a God who opens minds and inspires...

girls are not excused from making moves... you can 'move the situation' without moving... *read between the lines* ;P

the guy doesn't fall from the sky...

for guys: pray for a prudent woman! *prudent: practically wise* pray for a virtuous woman! *virtuous a.k.a wonderwoman a.k.a taking on all forms of work in the most conscientious manner*

DON'T ASK FOR A FLEECE... IT'S ONLY FOR EXCEPTIONAL CASES... and it can become a bondage...

FOCUS ON 'BEING' RATHER THAN 'MAKING SURE' HE OR SHE IS THE ONE

there would be alot of good choices in your life... there would be a very good choice... BUT never the perfect choice...

Girls : please pull the brakes in a relationship. the guys can't stop for nuts...

Guys: best way to love a girl is to desire her so much you want to marry her... not have a tryst and run away together... love her so much that you want to refrain from physical intimacy to protect her emotions and person...

look at his/ her gentleness towards his/her friends, family, you... his/her reserve of inner meekness...

does he love you when you're a little pmsed?

IF THERE IS NO CHEMISTRY, PLEASE DO NOT LET ANYONE FORCE YOU TO ACCEPT A PERSON BECAUSE HE/SHE IS "NICE"...

a nice man, a spiritual man... may not know how to care for a girl...

toss what your parents demand out of the window unless... it's in accordance to the will of God... e.g. would include: must be rich, lawyer, doctor, chinese... etc....

and so I realise... that I have been deceived many times over... and I know that I have had different viewpoints... especially the ones I mentioned above... there are more... but these serve as a form of reminder for myself... and a promise God gives to me... to take charge of my love life...

no don't get me wrong... I didn't approach the tapes I heard with charged-up-hormones... I approached it with a still heart... guess I wouldn't have learnt so much had I not settled my heart down in the 1st place... :)

so maybe it was little mk then... :)

since after some thinking to myself... it couldn't have been marcus... had to be marvin... the mischevious one... hahaa... but well marcus, you did tell me that you used to be a menace along with the rest of your 'biking gang'... :P so I wonder... heh...

and whilst looking through old photographs i found my adorable little baby photographs... and found myself gazing in wonderment at the changes I have had since I was young till now... my face shape certainly changed alot... and many times... ") in any case, it was good to look back and feel proud of my adorable features... heh...

been listening to pastor joseph prince's "finding your life partner - God's choice or yours?" it's interesting how when you ponder on the word of God... so many things start to come in place... and all the ideas flow in accordance... and you start finding the peace and quiet you should have in the first place in God...

to have Prudence... and to be Virtuous would be what I would be seeking to have and be then... :)

and muggin's not too consistent... argh. but it's been going still... quite fine...

well well! what do you know?

it's seems that I've actually met marcus when I was like... very very little... his mom used to my mom's boss at a bank... gee... now that I think of it... seems like I remember a mischevious little boy always running around the office whenever I visited... hahaha...

what a small small world.. :)

been listening to the "Falling Spinning" sound track for like two consecutive days now... it's all reminescence really... and wonderful to that effect... ")

had an extremely huge breakfast... and that's really not helping with my diet plans... Glup! not that I have been following anything really... these days it's been gorging... perhaps because studying's been taking alot of energy? I don't know... all I know is that it always happens during the exam periods... eating... and thereafter... everything returns to normality... sigh...

the eating habits may change but the weight gain doesn't!

*grrrrrr...*

thrashing it out

yeeps... we just had a mini 'thrashing session' at cell and it was good to have everyone's opinion for once... I think I've been learning how not to talk till the right moments... and I'm proud that I'm embarking on that goal... not that I have been extremely successful...

and I think I'm missing out on alot this holidays... the youth diocesan board camp, east asia regional conference, most of the bb outreach camp, the church camp in which my dad's a member of the committee... argh. disgusting...

I'm moving onto programming after quite a fair bit of economics for now... bleah...

worship at cell was good... I'm reminded once again...

sharing of the 'behind the scenes' video is pretty cool... but now everyone has a negative thinking about nus people... yikes... that we are lame... uncool... etc... who says so??? hmph...

and my weight's still a major problem... although I have been swimming a little and sunbathing... sheesh... God help me...

shoot. spent the whole night uploading pics...

this isn't good... hmph!!! but you can see my new pics over friendster! hee...

exams. inevitable. struggles.

whenever one gets a little too tied up in her studies... she gets a little lost somewhere... out there... this is possibly one of the few times that I have actually read my readings assiduously carefully... which is scaring me actually, since I have not even gone through half of my first module... and I have six...

and the reading week's a week long... not say two or three or four... thank God for it though... with this intensity... four weeks would have been insanity...

and seriously... I have not studied this intently before... I used to always merely go through my readings really briefly before for all of my exams... and somehow... by his grace... I manage to get my way out of things... not needing to do alot... but yet, I regret for my not trying harder... suppose it would be explained in my previous blog about the things I could have been doing... sigh... but it's God's will... it's God's will... beats doing superbly well all the way and eventually coming to a dead end when something really bad crops up... like bad results...

no am not trying to justify myself... I can't... there have been too many things i have given up... so much so that I tend to rattle on and on about my past glories... which aren't many I know... :(

my music... my studies... responsibilities in school... my walk with God... my service in church... so many regrets... maybe I should be using the word "much" now... it's really uncountable...

yeeps... am trying to be lame for a while... too much policies and alan greenspan have made me... er... speechless??? *can't find the word to describe myself right now*

am looking good (have been dressing up to blow the boring days away)... but am all mushed up inside... argh.

the change in the template was deliberate.

it showed "harbour" when I first clicked it... and indeed it's an indication of my going overseas in a year's time or less... I have been checking out the modules and trying to map everything out... due to a few gliches I was afraid that I would not be able to make it... since well, I have to have finished my foundation modules by then... you know what? when I thought that I had to take 6 core modules next semester... to be in time for the exchange, there it was sitting... the one foundation module in University of Washington's module listings... that i needed... and it's the only one...

God.... you are real... I don't doubt anything now...

but if you would want me to give up everything right now for you, I wouldn't mind too... because everything's never fixed... people change and come and go, situations are more fleeting than not... and feelings disappear in a twinkle of the eye...

and so... honours or not... it's up to him, not me... I'll try my best... but I see that even if I don't get to do honours, I'll just skip to masters then... *adamant*

got to start finding a good business school yup... for the masters... just in case... you never know... :) and it might mean don't-get-to-see-sophia-again-for-another-year-or-so...

going to mug now... need to... learnt from the hard past... *grit teeth*

transformers... ring pops... and hiro cakes...

remember those little things we used to have? from the multi facade pencil box that boasted of several irrelevant functions to the polly pocket play things... I wonder what it would be if ultra-men wedded polly... argh...

we were having the most interesting chat... me, joel, minghui, minzhi, kevin and mark... about our childhood... ha... geez... i miss it alot...

just watched a little of the bce thingy (I bought the cds etc.)... it was... good... very mind-awakening... very saddening... very enriching...

and ah hem... found out a thing or two about some people through the watching of the videos... haahaha... you're never smart enough... no matter what... *wink*

after thoughts.

I'm so numb to everything else not concerning my studies and spiritual life for now... met up with friends for lunch and breakfast and it sure feels good... to keep sane... for a while...

meanwhile, my struggles within a marketplace are looming and i do not know how i would be able to get about it but i will i guess... by his grace... it'll continue to be a constant struggle...

had a mini-argument (though the word is used too strong here) between me and my dad over relationship issues... haha... it was hilarious and for once i don't want to just prove myself right... but show him that everything has to be read in context... there's no one-size-fits-all thing here...

wen was very nice in speaking to me... ha... i got the better of him... this time I'm the one quicker to tease... alright!

going for class at 4... just did a bout of studying with the vcf people...

econs lecture was like going through a visionless rollercoaster... he went from fast to lightning... because he hadn't taught the syllabus as he would have liked... argh.

I didn't know I was amusing... ha... in my comments... or rather... as taken out of context, "funny"... *you finally said it*

my 'sordid' past seems to want to come back and haunt me... but sharing it with my ccr gfs have shown me how I really have gotten over it and am open about being vulnerable... reputation-wise or not... yup... thank God for that... ")

seems the more you free, the more freed you become...

I am a new creation, no more in condemnation... here in the grace of God I stand...

thoughts.

are we more responsible, upright and righteous when people start to notice us? due to some event or thing we might have been doing then? or are we totally transparent and perrenial in every aspect of our lives? do we command respect for doing good? and receive flak for being overtly righteous? if we aren't... soul-searching is vital....

our every action and thought should be holy and pleasing to God... and I was thinking to myself about the decisions I have made so far in uni, not counting the part where I chose business over engineering...

and it came to my realisation... I'm selfish! I'm so inconsistent in my walk with God! I'm obnoxious and I love myself too much to sacrifice all that I have... all these i shared just now with a friend of mine whom I'm not too close to but it sure feels good to have it out of my chest and out... for once, to face the known problem... and nip it in the bud as soon as I can...

and i have fans!!! I'm greatly encouraged by a friend's sharing his frequent visits to my blog... haha... yes daniel... I'll be joining epistole... told you I can provide quantity no prob... but quality is another thing altogether... haha..

ah and to immerse oneself in the teachings and word... how apt a reminder for myself... i guess one needs to be constantly reminded of one's calling and the need to pray and seek the Lord... we are forgetful beings...

i just need to evaluate the decisions in my life...

but seems like so far... yes a few have been uncalled for... and I would suffer the consequences... but no more... I'll become smarter and learn how to seek the Lord... :)

sorry this has come in a very sombre mood... tried to be less 'serious' but... well... not that i can't be humourously serious!!! heh...

celebrity death-match!

seems like i have received more flak than that engine girl with my previous blog entry... ha... I won't take it off... no worries... after all... an entry's merely an entry... you wouldn't happen to know if it was real or not wouldn't you? ;P

and people do change their preferences every once in a while... when you're not married... that's when a form of life starts... when u do get attached... that life ends and a different one emerges... :)

meanwhile, I'm pretty happy to be where I am...

and the econs stuff is swirling around in my head... got to get to it really soon...

and cell group's at 4, ft's at 6... leaving the house at 2 and well I got till like 12 to study... so go go go...

i went to an empty lecture hall for calculus yesterday... oh well... fine... good... thursday's should be cancelled as well... yay... which means shorter days for me...

ah I realised the look professor khondker gave me yesterday at class... I thought to myself... sheesh I must have done something outrageous... whether it carries with it good connotations or not, I still do not know...

math minor? I'm thinking not to right now... seems the other finance modules and the sociology department are really tempting... I think i might have been more of an arts student than science... I look at the way i can understand the arts and make connections and think it through thoroughly... it's just that I never had the opportunity to test it out... and math has always been a bane (higher order math actually)... not during sec school though, then it was only because I had accelerated learning and it was easy... and my tuition teacher was cute... ha... he's married now... so I merely plodded through JC... but I didn't exactly study until like the last month before the 'a's... sigh... regrets... la... the copying of homework... all so vague now... and getting home at unearthly hours during school nights... those were the days man... :)

gosh... marcus won't be driving to school today and so how??? how am I going to get home??? sob sob sob... God... find a way for me???

and mingie... you guessed it all wrong... ;P not one was right on target...

*as you can already guess... being controversial is fun way to get through this horrible period in time*

*sophie out*

your lyin' eyes...

not too handsome, but cute... and smart to boot... hair's not an issue but please no himbos... he's got to be the one i've been waiting for... wonderfully dressed in talents... away with those airs...

*sing to the tune of "Broken Heart Cafe*

original :

Pretty and cute, and smart to boot... long hair long legs, please no hags. She has got to be the one, that point's not moot... blah blah... can't remember...

i see apple-polishers...

boot-lickers... apple-polishers... whatever... a group of people from my stats class just had to take some pictures with the lecturer after their presentation (supposedly an attempt to boost their already rocket-high marks) and seem totally intimidating during the question and answer session... not that I am not advocating their style of doing such lickings... but they could have done it a little more discreetly... and making themselves liked by the rest of the class as well... after all, who are you going to be working with in the future? your by-then retired lecturer or your peers?

forgive my outburst... but seems these sort of things wouldn't be rare in the future... unintelligible people would always want to keep doing such things without thinking...

argh.

I'm not being miss-holy-moly here... I may do such a thing should the time call for it... *honest!* but really... do it in a different fashion? not so pre-school standards...

*fish swimming in the fishbowl*

i know I'm not being Godly here... I should be tolerating... and maybe accepting... love the sinner but hate the sin... but it isn't sin right? maybe I'm just jealous and want a share of the pie too??? I don't know???

who said it's easy? to love people you never would think of loving had you not been a christian...

it's a process girl... keep on going...

*a deep breath and after much thinking...*

ok... I love them... I really do...

econs abandoned for feeding sprees...

feeding oneself is most important to me... I think... even if it poses a fats issue here, I would still find some way to eat but cut down on the fats and oil but not the quantity...

I had to resist ice-cream yesterday but I didn't resist chips... sigh... it's back to the gym and diets for all my gorging... but i don't regret it one bit... a time to eat and enjoy, a time to work out and get fit... why not?

and the holiday plans have been over the top... haha.. made a list of people I needed to meet up and catch up with (happens after every semester, although I have only been through one)... would be involved in aiesec as finance manager (got to learn the ropes), o-week (I'm all willing to get out of it), as well as my work and some more church stuff to do (which I don't mind at all!!!)

Today's globalization lecture was really funny... it ended an hour earlier... of which I am super thankful for since I hadn't time for lunch if it wasn't to be... and my lecturer went on and on about exam tips... hee... which were funny... really...

there are 4 kinds of handwriting:
1. the beautiful legible
2. the ugly legible
3. the beautiful illegible
4. the ugly illegible

avoid the 3. and 4. but 1. and 2. is fine... :)

I mean... really... *laughs*

listened to the new song ruiyi composed... not supposed to let it out for copyright reasons... :) it's nice... his voice is nice... (being objective here) and he wants to get the bce band to record it... thought it was a neat idea... and he wants jan to sing it... la whatever... sometimes being overly hyped makes anyone a little complacent you know...

and we were debating about something after i made a pretty-shocking-comment... I'm not trying to dramatise everything here but seriously... I feel that if it's in my best interest to not find someone and live on my own... serving the Lord... perhaps I should just let it be... yet ironically, when one's ready to be single, one's ready to be attached...

I'm still faltering here and there (I'm no superwoman) but I'm praying... for my good friends to find good christian men as husbands... :)

I suppose there aren't many... but with prayer and petition... who knows? :)

and econs' way way off tangent of the studying schedule... shoot...

my shocking asking of an issue made someone intriguing, more than interesting now...")

the Lord leads... the Lord leads...

deja vu...

when it happens too often... you start to wonder... whether it could be God's telling you something, or it's merely some silly superstituous thing...

it's not fun, really... but oh well, when I commit everything to Lord, I know the plans I have would succeed...

and today was rededication day... I realised how selfish I have been, I realised my lack of zeal for the Lord, I realised my indifference to people and issues... and I realised the emptiness inside of me was due to my rejecting God in so many areas of my life... I needed to come back again to the Lord... I needed to readjust my priorities... and I did just that...

and finally when everything much's pretty done and about for my ccas for now... I can finally get to commit some time to that of the church... o-week and aiesec finance looms though...

I can't imagine his not being in my life... I think I would die of emotional hurt and emptiness... and I think I would have died of boredom with no sense of achievement nor hope in life... I believe that finding this hope is the sole purpose of our lives and we should be dedicating our lives to finding that out and living it out...

I'm starting to get back on track, thank God for that... spiritually... and everything else would flow in as well... I know... it will...

practiced on jeremiah's car today... it's manual... I made it jump alot... :) but given the last time I drove a manual car was last august and the last time I drove last year... it was pretty good... I LOVE changing the gears...

met my cell group girls for breakfast today... it was fun... but I think I did most of the yakking... I think I should just shut up some...

I'm waiting for my next facial appointment... do u know I actually 'dreamt' of having one??? I think I'm in a desperate position... hee hee...

for now... econs econs econs... argh...

you know what I'd like to know?

I'd like to know how amazing it can be that I actually gained 4 kg in the past two weeks... I'm still a little baffled... but not down nor out... after all, I think that I still own a fit body and it doesn't look 4 kg heavier to me... :)

and what I'd like to know is the possibilities of having certain people back in my life or within my life... I'd like to know how things would have turned out differently...

and I'd like to have known how i would have turned out differently had I been more conscientious in my studies and less relationship-oriented... it could have differed margins by margins... who knows? I could have been a scholar... or studying medicine in UK now... or medicine in australia... or law in singapore (not that I didn't qualify, missed by a little glitch)... the possibilities are endless... really...

and had God not been taking care of me all along... I could have been a school drop-out, an ah lian... a repulsive little brat with no goals in life nor God... nor learning to have a character nor a vision... ??? who knows? really...

and we were contemplating buying plots together at the Garden of Remembrance... :) life is short and youth is fleeting... I love my family... so maybe we should... it brings a sense of closeness... for better for worse, for richer for poorer, and death wouldn't do us apart...

melancholic and indifferent... I am... towards my studies... but before it all... may I say something? suddenly the idea of Inertia becomes real... :) you're a smart one...

Pourquoi est-il ce de bonnes filles n'obtiennent-il pas des dates?

I shan't attempt to explain the above but it was the main drawing topic between me and my girlfriends from tj yesterday... and shucks I ended up eating italian chocolate at some cafe with them instead of playing tennis... and I am not surprised that I have put on roughly 4 kg over the week... I have been gorging... c'est horrible mais I will keep check from now on...

french's been interesting to note nowadays since I don't take it as a module and yes... I have a friend in particular who's super in languages, other than his mother tongue... haha...

Ma vie est précieuse, J'ai obtenu de le priser... I have got to stop gorging and ruining my life and stop slacking and start to get to work... but je suis fatigue... ")

I went to the cemetary early in the morning today and it was a good time of knowing my family line and background... suppose that i was grumbling about going just last week... I didn't know what I was leaving out...

Comment est-ce que je dis si je l'aime ou pas? Comment est-ce que je dis s’il m’aime ou pas? Pourquoi est-ce que je suis sentant de cette façon? Comment vous attendez-vous a ce que je reagisse? *questions questions questions...* hope they don't remain unanswered... Dieu fournira, ne vous inquiétez pas...

the ridiculously long peom...

made me think and now I think sane again... I have found my bearings through my writing and doesn't it sound too much like that of an intraverted person, but oh I'm not complaining... I'm glad today felt this way... :)

I'm glad for this slump and this time to think... it's so precious I realise and there is so much I have learnt...

1. Love one another as he has first loved us
2. exercise discernment with discernment
3. in multitude of words, sin is not absent (and not being real and sharing openly isn't an escape... it's a facade)
4. take time off to remember yourself
5. know when to speak, think before speaking- everything has its repercussions...
6. don't commit too much to everything... keep an objective mind...

and so miraculously, a poem saved me... ")

I'm feeling a little eluded now...

eluded is the word... that someone else used to describe himself when he was in the pits, the trenches of his life... seemingly having everything and yet nothing within... now I comprehend his actions and his doings... I finally have pieced everything together... and why is this knowledge given to me? I don't have to know it do it? or maybe it's God's subtle way of telling me how it could have gone this way for me as well... and right now I'm starting to feel as if I'm not very far from it all... :(

I just am pretty much too laid back this week with my classes... I haven't attended half of them for this week... and I'm starting to get rather disoriented... the reason is something I have been pondering but not finding as yet...

I guess the hype of it all has passed and gone... a new situation arises... emptiness... can I face up to it? true loneliness... is something I never really experienced in my life... I could talk to the next girl beside me just like that and make friends all of a sudden... it doesn't take much... perhaps it's much harder for me not to do so when I feel like doing so...

and reflect... and think to myself... and immerse in his love... which, I haven't been making a habit too much I know...

emotionally... this sem has been harder than I thought... sigh and last semester it was the work i had to do... when will it all end?

and conversations with some of my friends have shown me that the smarter one is, really... the more things one can handle all at once... which, as I shall explain later... is deregatory... the smart kid with good results is such a 'sucker' because other than knowing how to study, he knows nuts? you got to be kidding... there are kids so smart at covering up events and things in their lives with such good results that one never suspects his/her 'other life'... and friends so smart at playing the political game that you start to suspect whether you're part of the network of gossip or out of it... or just deluded? or maybe we're just objects of discussion... or objects of inituitive study... nothing much and nothing too fancy... or made used of?

I'm still useful... now that I know that I have tried to counsel girls younger than myself and talk them out of dating too young and get married for all the wrong reasons... and been rather successful in a sense... but we can try to do everything... God causes the growth... :)

and I realise my surprising sobriety amidst this emptiness... so maybe it ain't emptiness... but merely a time for me to reflect and think... aloud or passively... whichever can be more comfortable...

God, why? why do I have to put up with more of this political "****" and try to guard myself in the process? it ain't fun at all... it ain't... just ain't... but I suppose... no one out there's really that innocent anyways... we're all dirtbags... really...

it was so fun...

watching the ali G stuff ruiyi's got and his whole collection of untouchables and unmentionables... was very enriching... :) argh, I'm disgusted with myself... we were supposed to be studying... what gives man... and I was supposed to go to exercise just now... but ended up not going because was chatting over msning last night... too tired *groan*

and i gorged again... again!!! sheesh... sob... groan...

and I have been happily skipping classes this week... my prog assignment's not started on and my stats project is yet to be completed... hmph... bother bother bother...

they were saying that my dressing was a little too loose, as in... frumpy... some said it was nice... bohemian... oh well.. possibly they couldn't accept it cause I'm always wearing the tight ones usually... :P

i was wondering about certain issues today... and yes... I've realised that although one can learn more about someone.... and more may mean more shocks and a sudden bout of sadness sometimes... it eventually evens out... eventually the beauty and authencity within the person shines through... and eventually... God loves people with their imperfections... how can I then judge?

and being real makes everyone comfortable, after one has gone through the initial stares at the "outrage" of propriety... but eventually... everyone acknowledges your courage to face up to reality when they themselves cannot...

which is attractive... very I would say... :)

is intelligence genetically passed down?

somehow I doubt it... pretty much alot... my dad's such a study stud and so is my mom... but me? sigh... I'm a student who tries... who never really excels all THAT much because I'm always having this and that and too many things in my life... :( this isn't good, as you can see... and neither is it beneficial...

and so I have been trying to mug... look like a mugger... behave like one... and think like one... I should be thinking: how best to study? when can I study? what times am I most productive for studying? which place is the most conducive? and so on...

but I'm not! that's the thing see...

and so I'll be working at suntec city... for my internship... starting on the 9th May till the 31st July... c'est tres bien... good... :)

exams' in three weeks...

cell group was good today... we shared chocolates... and shared some stuff... which was fun... was 'pouring' out my soul to vivien just now... :) and giving in some input into her project... haha... fancy me... I think I should be in real estate then... heh... "SK" stands for.... hee hee... snack king... i didn't know jan was so calories-unconscious...

inside joke... don't rant at your not understanding me ok... :)

I'd love to get away from it all... right now... go on a holiday... but you know what? part of me really wants to study and get this whole exams thingy done and over with... this sem has been great... despite a few hiccups... but generally... I love what I have been doing... the friends made... and I want to finish it well and good..

God help me... ")

why why why???

why is it when I finally get to know people for who they are... they totally surprise me... totally knock me out??? (not knocked out in a good sense please)...

I'm pretty disappointed with myself, everyone, everything... seems like everything i believed in was a lie... which is... that somehow certain things can be perfect... this world can never be... I got to accept that... it's a fact...

well, what do I say to people in the same boat as I am in? I'm trying not to rock my own boat here and somehow being with people and getting to know them a little better's pushing me down the stairs rather than lifting me up...

so we're merely people... sinful people with forgiveness accepted...

but there are hints of gentleness and sweet... i just have to keep looking deeply...

the bbq was simply superb... simply superb...

I loved every minute of it... every minute of watching ourselves on tape on the make-shift screen of a wall by the swimming pool... every minute of the singing with the guitars going on high... the jazz, the love songs, oh so tender and warm... :) the fellowship, the teasing, the sharing, the gorging, the passing around of unwanted chicken and desserts... it was lovely... very wonderful... very memorable... possibly something that would go a long way with me... a long way... I have never felt like this before... never really loved so much of anything... being such a distant and non-commital person nowadays... in fact I never really committed myself to anyone or anything except my ex... honestly... it's not to make you feel sad sen dear... just to make you feel treasured? ;)

Ah, how could we miss out on the throwing of people into the pool? mark szto was inevitably pulled into the pool when they were trying to get jason gan in... ha... the rest of us? the musicians and a few of us peace-lovers (not exactly peace-makers here, you get the drift if you attended pastor aaron's sermon today on blessed are the peace makers) sang the night away... it was fabulous... and yes jan ho was asked to sing so many times... he's such a champion ha...

and i think I make such a bad sales girl... i was trying to get rid of the brownies and the chocolate cake... but somehow... well... no one really 'bought' it... jan says that it's not that my marketing skills are bad, but they are really concerned about the calories... hmph... he obviously was trying to tell me not to eat so much... :)

anyways... wha.. I think me and the rest kinda da cheng yi pian le... i kept teasing jianming about joanne and he nearly shoved tissue into my mouth to gag me... scary... ha... what to expect? he's my tjc senior... :) and lincoln's going to get it for like making snide remarks about me... and ruiyi's got to tell me what bimbotic stuff he's been calling me... hmph...

la... so much with so little time... i went late actually... when me, marcus and ruiyi thought we were early... guess some people are earlier... the northies to be precise... wow... I'm impressed... *wink*

official whacking time!!!

o...k... now that the term paper's done and ready to be handed up, the mno script's roughly done, and the prog assignment is pretty easy (so they say, which I'll be starting on tomorrow)... it's whacking time!!! official mugging... official stoning amongst tons of books...official time when it-all-matters-because-i-have-to-pull-up-cap-score...

i was chatting happily away with my best friend del... ha... friends forever, we always share certain things in common despite being poles apart in character... heh.. only you can testify to that... *wink*

and yes I finally had a breather, which wasn't fun at all, considering that it was merely hours of rest and more rest... i didn't know that my brain's been that overworked!!!

sheesh, I could become fat in this case... somebody save me...

was contemplating writing a diary... besides keeping up this blog... seems sometimes, certain things are better left unsaid here and said somewhere else... but perhaps those things are also not worth lamenting and paying much attention to about... it's better to forget and let go...

and today's the big bbq!!! heh... other than toying with the thoughts of eating... gorging... I have been working out in the little brain of mine... how to not get fat... which is impossible... :) but it doesn't matter...

will update u more on it...

and chocolate's everyone's favorite... there's a certain someone interesting to study... piques my interest... no am not interested in that person, just interested to know why that person's so interesting... la... argh, what am I trying to say? *tongue-tied* but seriously... no...

just so that no one would read in between lines all that much... ha... guess I need to continue on this entry...

chicken chops! fishballs! basically, me, ruiyi, marcus, jan ho, ian, junwen, andrew and mark are pooling in to buy those... and lots of it I hope... yum... marcus marinated the whole thing last night and he's really enthusiastic about the cooking too... perhaps I can pick up a thing or two later? *girls need to know how to cook... it brings forth their feminine allure*

and yay... can get to sit in a 4 day old peugeot... lucky marcus has a car... I don't... sob...

but maybe I should join the science study fellowship... it's really cool... they study from 9 to 9... but break at 6 to have some worship and fellowshipping... who knows? eating maybe... heh...

or join the arts fellowship... at central library... own time own target... anyone can join...

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I got the job internship!!!!! don't know whether to jump or dance... but it'll a good start to my resume building... would be doing some marketing and customer service stuff... as an executive... if I get to sell some products, may get a commission... ha... and I just might want to try... after all, where money's concerned... who wouldn't? :)

I'm a proud and arrogant miss-smarty-pants...

why? i just realized the tone I had when I was talking to some of my vcf friends... generally when I'm excited and comfortable with the people around me, that side of me shows... and no longer am I proud of it... I'm ashamed of it... although it does help to facilitate discussion when i'm going through interviews and the like when I'm speaking to my friends who are over-achievers or high-achievers...

argh. the side of me that's my strength is my main weakness... and I don't know how to coin a term to it...

God, forgive me and help those people I may have offended in any way forgive me... I thank you that I'm learning to be more sensitive to the feelings of others... all in the objective of wanting to build a more cohesive environment amongst the christians... :)

I'm halfway through my essay!!!!!!!!

yesh, what a milestone to cross... And what more to write... Ha... But I found a way out writing too much... By decreasing the font size... heh....

should I go for supper today? Hm.... After all I am free tomorrow... And my essay's starting to come together and sounds coherent... Somewhat... :)

now in the library with my vcf friends... Most of them from bce... Ah, maybe it's the fact that so much has been put into bce that now's the crunch time for us to start catching up with work and writing our essays... And eating the chocolate we abandoned to protect our voices for the musical... Ha... It's a good aphrodisiac too... heh... I was reminded by my friends from my mno group whilst discussing our presentation just now...

so much so for this... And some unexpected people turned up in my life just as some others who were unexpected, left... Enough to fill the void... Because although acquaintances... they are one of the most fill-out parts of my life... and I'm a extrovert... I know I need friends like that to keep up with my fast-paced life, somewhat... :)

i was just looking back when I paused to see the many things that have happened to me in the semester i'm in currently... the bce, the confirmation of a place in the exchange, the qualifying for honours... (although that would be something that can be confirmed only very much later), the juggling of 6 modules and all that work load... the ccas... the bazaar and the o-week thingy, the internship I most probably would be going for (which initially seemed impossible due to my lack of experience), and the finance manager position in aiesec along with the aroc finance in charge position...

what a year so far... the losing of steam in fighting for a fit body by gorgings... the chats I had with friends... new found and old... sigh... Reminiscence is bliss sometimes... :)