it seems that after the storm comes the not-so-calm

after the storm, a better understanding is found. after trials, there you find true conviction. after talking so much, i've yet to find any saving point in my speech... yet because of polished though pointless speeches i'm able to weasel my way out of and into things... you get the idea. it's rubbish put forth in the most dynamic way possible.

and sometimes i wished i had shut up more.

yet i feel so unvindicated of biased thoughts that i can't help but put forth myself in the most domineering way possible... (not talking about you, dear :))

seems like everytime i wish to 'prove' myself i realise there is nothing for me to be proud about... perhaps it's an answer to my prayers... that i would have nothing to boast of except in Christ Jesus... and God's teaching me his ways.... in bite-size portions... for i do not know yet if i am capable of handling successes right now... i might just bite off the whole chunk of praises and direct it to myself and leave nothing for the Lord when everything is done through him and in him...

i know this might sound like i'm trying too hard... perhaps some might tell me:"but you have achieved quite a lot what!" honestly.... it's really nothing.... what i have achieved... look at it in the percentage profit sense... given much, i have produced less than required... i have not made a break even for that matter... i have not maximised my time and effort and thoughts on him and for him... i have held back on alot due to my own 'agendas'...

and i know that nothing is required except my utmost for his highest glory.

I must have the attitude of doing it to the 'most', 'best' and the 'highest'... overdo it... give 101%, not just 100%

and learn to be led both by godly men and women, and the holy spirit...

on a more rubbishy note... this week has been termed eating week... had two all-i-can-eats... and more really unhealthy food which i am ashamed to let my mom know about... yeeks! but i love eating... to the core... can you blame me on that? :)

I feel like baking chocolate banana muffins... hmmm.... *wink*

unreasonable me.

i don't understand why there are so many times that i have been uptight lately. yet i can be so calm about certain things like losing my handphone... argh. it irks me. i'm being the most unreasonable when it's the time not to be... and i feel that i can be such a b**** at times it should irk the sense out of people around and close to me such that they should be drowning me in heaps of abuse already... what with all the rubbish i have been giving them... caning sounds vaguely reasonable...

yet they love me and forgive me... is it pride then that i do not wish for people to forgive me so quickly such that i think i can earn back the good points i lost with other good deeds? but i'm an evil person with sin... how can I?

i'm overly sarcastic... at others' expense... i take what sounds fun and make it a joke of the day, without so much as considering what might have been better... i'm shortsighted and don't see the huge picture... i jump to conclusions immediately after a subtle thing has been picked up and most of the time the subtle things don't come out quite right... i seem to expect everyone else to have the same understanding as me... similar lingo... having the ability to say exactly what they mean... impose the same standards everywhere... and even more so when the people are closer to me...

basically i argue with them more often because i feel as if they know me better and should understand my actions better... as a result this biased thinking keeps me at bay with others and at war with them consistently... i don't think i shall have a tough time being on my own... i'm pretty much a do-it-all and do-it-yourself sort of person... i only have the time to be cranky when i actually spend more time with them and interact with them more often...

yet i feel that i miss them so much when i don't spend the time with them... and pissed off when we do interact and conflicts arise...

so perhaps having conflicts are a sure sign of real affection...

and pms more often than not in its occurence..

i don't think it's wise of me to keep using that as an excuse and so i shan't... i won't and i will try to change... just need some time to myself to think straight and good... just need some time... to settle back into sanity from insanity and from anger to grace... from over-commitment to commitment... from folly to wisdom... from being defensive to being defenceless...

been there, done there, done.

learnt so much from my three month stint in my business centre... well there are some bad experiences and some good... but overall, i still want to thank God for letting me have this opportunity to open my eyes and see the things of the world with the sight that he desires for me to see and hold... honestly it gets a little more taxing on your ethics and people start to divide what is moral and what is ethical. business people have this saying: "this is the business way of getting around".

whether or not that constitutes to a whole pack of lies that's attached to it... you'd never know... people simply just smile in 'innocence'(sometimes real innocence) and agree on every part with you... you don't know what to expect in the near future... could be a dagger stuck into your neck... :(

some people are really nice! and some are alright.... a little more corporate in outlook but that is ok as well... least the work gets done... you don't complain too much... but some are the sour faced- whom i've learnt how to handle using mega-watt smiles! no one refuses a smile for too long... unless he or she is really sick... in the head... :)

some are too sweet to be true... back stabbers in essence... but i've learnt that it does pay to love your enemies (no i have not made any here, it's my colleagues') for the one reason that at least the sight or thought of her doesn't bug you nor make you feel uncomfortable in anyway... reason being- why should it? why should anything else but God dictate how and the way you should feel?

it'll be ridiculous...

there are a hundred things to blog about... the fun people... the love stories... the advice given to me regarding a myriad of issues... though it's from people who aren't christians... noted that some non-christians have more sense than christians... haha... or maybe they're just older... and wiser...

the newsletter is done!!! it's on food... thanks to my dear who did the layout... i can finally rest with a peace of mind... not that i don't have other things to commit to and do right now... lots more to go...

kiasu-symptoms... wonder where they came from? oh not me but the bizad people... haha... guess we're all birds of the same feather... just that they're more extreme than me... people are already participating in the forums to ask DETAILS about the exam format etc etc etc...

goodness gracious me... we live in a world of muggers... muggerton... haha... lame i know... hehe *smile*

every one needs a little lameness to survive every now and then...

oh the sonic fest concert was a blast... trust me i have found my roots of rock and soul in Mr Khoo... hehe... seems like i'd be returning to that genre of music pretty soon... hehe...

gorgings part two.

i had papparoti just on wed as well as gorged on dessert and that's on top of lunch on wed. had my usual (now usual) intake of starch in the morning to boot! ops.

yesterday had an enjoyable but pretty calories-laden lunch with him and his parents... cheese and more cheese and all the stuff i used to never think of eating... but changing my diet.. as you guys can already guess and see for yourself...

I'm not sure if it would be working... but the thing is i suspect it has something to do with my eating more constituting to a higher metabolism rate and thus... ya...

ate fried soft-shelled crab, carrot cake, crepes with mushroom and cheese, mushroom salad as well as pizza... *slurp*

Just came back from a good session of gelare's... hehe... i know it isn't tuesday but forgive my sinning... yeeks!

what a wonderful world... *smile*

Two loves of my life coming together...

i got my MODULES!!!

yay... that's all i can say... i still dunno how much points i have spent... 'much' was deliberate since i have spent so much i dunno if i can sustain another semester had i not been going for my exchange... even so... i still am not quite sure if i would be going there... they have yet to accept my application...

but still. goody.

no silly bidding stuff now... but actually it's quite exciting la... i don't mind doing it for other people.. somewhat like playing with the stock market... hehe...

lunch was entertaining today :)

gorged yet again. eyes went wide on the other side... abandoning my low carbo diet. cause seems like it's not working... got to try something different... like eating normally again... think whenever i eat alot i seem to lose weight... maybe it's because my metabolism is pretty high and it needs nutrients...

trying to rework it... gimme some time to trial and error...

Pride.

Pride.
An issue I have been struggling with to cope for all of my life.

It gets a lot frustrating when all you’re trying to do is just get that stupid thing out of your life. But I have realized that it is a process which takes time. However I’d rather someone take my ego and stomp so hard on it that it breaks sometimes… *the key word is sometimes* so that my heart can be all and pure for him… some itty gritty detail in my life just seeks to diminish any good that can come out my commitment to want to surrender to him my all.

A lot of people cannot take giving everything for a goal in life. Giving a little hurts a lot sometimes already… let alone giving all of it. To a finance person, it would possibly be viewed as investing in an investment that’s not promising any tangible premiums (according to the world) and the interest can be on the high side of negatives… it’s no logical investment. Yet the Lord requires of us to buy this stake. Have a share in all. Give your all for this stake and see him at work in our lives.

Giving up the chance to actually have everything to be proud of. Things to be accomplished in your time. What sacrifice! Being the carpet, the floor on which people stomp and stand on… the tarmac. Burnt and cracked. Ludicrous an idea to give it all up for Jesus huh?

But I’m bought at a price I can never repay. I have sight that I shouldn’t be having. I have legs and a body to move around in sports and in everyday living. I live like a normal being. I can think like a normal being (though I choose not to). I have life when I should have been dead 12 years ago. I have wonderful parents to love and to hold. I have siblings I love so much and still am trying to improve relations with. (it’s been getting better in recent months and years). J

My pride only seeks to remove me from the knowledge of all these blessings and gripe and complain all the time. Have negative thoughts and an inconceivable motive in life- to remove God to accomplish what I want to do in MY timing… and space.

Right. Like I own time. Or space. Or ideologies. Or my body.

The one thing I used to be so proud of: the one thing that threatens to get me unsettled with Jesus.

The one thing that I used to be so proud of: the one thing that’s going to remove me from all the blessings that he has prepared for me.

I don’t dare to. God give me wisdom. I don’t think smart many a time.

What about making life count?

Argh. Sleepy and totally not in the mood for work. Definitely. But I can’t help but be really tired after sleeping for only about like a fraction of what people would sleep for the holidays. There are times when you generally sleep too much and it gives you that sleepier feeling… so I shouldn’t complain?

Ya I shouldn’t.

Had the most fantastic dinner and time at his place yesterday. His dad cooked for me and it was so delicious… seems like I have to start being some cooking apprentice or get really uptight in the future about not being able to cook as well... yeeks. Horrid thoughts.

One more week of internship. But theoretically speaking I should be getting all anxious and keep a lookout for whatever I could be doing to reach out to my colleagues. Instead, I end up being the ‘little devil’, praying about scooting off the newsletter which I have no choice but to complete… and have to do well for since it is part of my assessment. Evil me. *Sophie, you should be reaching out- evangelism, remember?*

Dad’s leaving for a business trip tomorrow. Imagine that I am so going to miss him although it won’t be for a month and albeit the little time spent at home for myself… I love my family a lot. It’s weird really… you’d think that my being so little at home would constitute this couldn’t-care-less attitude but it isn’t. This makes for my worries that I might be missing them too much if I do go on exchange.

That reminds me. The postage there for my application cost me dearly. $32.19. Ouch.

I was so hungry after a heavy breakfast that I had snacks and the like. Double ouch.

My newsletter, my epi articles, church practice this week and interview workshop on sat. No chance of practicing on the golf course this time. Unless I drive myself to the range to drive a couple of dozens… triple ouch.

Yup everything can be mundane stuff but what really makes for life to count would be Jesus. There is a God-shaped hole in all of us and only he can fill it… sounds like a song I used to listen to night and day… erm… trying to recall… ya… it’s the forerunners… the band that campus crusade used to have but I don’t know if they’re still at it…

Would be trying to find Jesus in everything that I do. Even when it seems all so secular and the like.

Even in my bidding till three tomorrow afternoon I have found some way to note that God’s in control… or maybe I don’t have other choices to make. *grin*

God... please help me… I’m stuck here with an extremely slow computer that’s threatening to die on me…

And I’m not even at it all the time… but bid it in your time and have your way and purpose…

You know… sometimes I wonder how I am going through what Abraham went through. First God gives me the exchange program thingy… then I have to work things out so that it goes through. All the time wondering if it really would be what it would be…

Then the question comes if I am willing to give it all back to him. If the modules and everything doesn’t go in accordance to plans such that I would have a lot of complications… would that shake my belief that this is for me? The exchange?

Am I willing in the first place to let God have his way and continue to have so, especially when I have received the first part if it and am awaiting the next? Having everything set and in control?

No… I’m not in control. God is. I’m but only a pawn to be moved. Like the flower that easily fades and dies away without nourishment from him. Like the mud that people step on because I’m nothing without him… but I can be clay that can be molded into a vase. Something useful. Something good.

Something beautiful
Something good
All my confusions,
He understood

All I had to offer him
Was brokenness and shame
But he made something
Beautiful in my life

This song just came into my head a few days ago… and the simple tune really ministered to me a lot. Suppose it’s because it requires no terrific musical accomplishments? And one really concentrates on the beauty of the words. A simple faith. The logic of the faith.

two dress-ups in a day...:)

white dress with silver ribbon.

ao dai in purple silk.

two dresses I put on for my distant cousin's wedding.

pretty wonderful to see yet another christian couple getting married, getting relieved of decorums that only apply to unmarried couples... and finally enjoying what the Lord God has prepared for the both of them...

but a honeymoon to alaska? wow that's a new one :)

met arts-4-kevin there. he used to be my cousin's junior college classmate. imagine how small the world is... and i am not amazed. i had this premonition that something like that was bound to happen. in fact, it ought to happen :) after all, six degrees of separation isn't it not?

my package to be sent to Uni of Washington is about done. lacking just the postage and off it will go! it's my application still by the way, i haven't really confirmed anything just yet. no housing done, no courses mapped really... and it'll be the winter when i'm there... imagine 9 degrees being the highest temperature I'll be getting there... brrrr... if i get there... that is.

and well i was just thinking of joining subspaces... like if a person was a space... and every space is different for that matter, since every space can be vastly different in infinite ways... whether or not they consist of a certain number of elements or have different kinds of elements... much like the characteristics and experiences each of us have... they are all different...

the thing is: if one were a complement of the other, meaning that one has what the other completely doesn't have... when there's a union... there would be a complete space... similarly if two spaces (people) come together, and they are complements of the other (two very different people)... wouldn't they constitute a complete and whole set upon union? :)

not that they aren't already a whole set on their own. they are complete and unique in their own sense... but... being together they form a more formidable team, no longer taking after what used to be theirs but exhibiting their old characteristics in new and wonderful ways that characterise the set that is the union... and it's different and more salient.

so I therefore conclude in my own little foolish way that God created complements to come together to complement and be complemented.

and that's pretty much explains why couples are usually so different in outlook and in all aspects... quarrels are inevitable.

and i can't get over how similar your brother and I are. it's pretty unnerving. scary for you. totally out of the mind for me. I fear for your sanity. will try my best to keep it in shape and going... TRY is the key word :)

well going have a great time tomorrow i know... saving the stomach for the food coming...

and i already feasted today... going for the wedding dinner later... gorgings again... argh!

something's telling me it might be you...

I was so so very happy when i finally had my 'touch' back when i handled the 7-iron such that it went about 150m... hehe... now if only i could maintain that or get the distance going...

bunker. had a few good shots. I liked the way the 'poof' went and yes the sand pushed the little white ball high into the air... argh I just love the game... don't ask me why... maybe I'm old in thinking... *bleah* or maybe i just want to have that game with your dad soon... :)

diet for thursday: chocolate cake, preserved fruits, three meals, ham and cheese...

how? how to lose weight? *sob*

Gorgings.

with the letter 's' because I have been in indulgence... :) have been getting the snoop of the good stuff by eating like no one's business of waffles and ice cream and tiramisu cakes... how to lose weight like this? i don't exactly know... but there's a side of rebellious me which refuses to take anything to consideration...

and so will it be.

legs been at rest since I didn't go gym when i should have been this morning... shows my ill discipline... but i really was so shagged... and it's going to be a long weekend ahead! tomorrow's my golf lesson and friday's my church's prayer meeting... that would be after meeting my mom for a short dinner... saturday's brekfast with family before setting off for a wedding of my distant cousin and then it's seventeen-up stuff for me to sit through... *grin*

sunday would come with it the meeting and i got a couple of more appointments to have... and that's it... the following week comes and would go...

and that means my application had better be good and going and sent to the US as well as my newsletter up and coming... which i have yet to start on...

so many things and so little time... how?

dinner was cooked by someone and tasted really good... honest! got your brother's character and mom's career outline and your dad's taste... hm... well... one question to ask... are you sick of all that? do you want some new combinations or characteristics? or you're fine with the whole family within me? *wink*

shopping back with a vengence... somebody save me... but even my mom admitted my buys were pretty much fantastic... hehe....

two wrongs won't make a right...

A good wife is worth more than many riches... and Ms Ho Ching is probably someone i would love to have as a wife if i were a man... if possible... i just felt that her heart-warming and sensible message written to everyone in her own private capacity (however others may choose to see it as a way to cajole the public to overlook the whole NKF saga), is simply a blessing and includes a good direction to have furthering this incident. I myself had felt every opinion she gave... in my own little capacity, i told my colleagues of how CEOs don't just earn half a million.. they earn millions with an 's'... and somehow things need to be seen in a different light. call me heartless or brainless... but i firmly believe that everyone has a way in doing things... in some ways, the very people who are ranting curses on NKF are the very people who were silly enough to believe that charity should come with presents in return... how many of them are not guilty of donating with that little hope of getting the condominium in return? or that car? for that matter? and how do you know that they had to pay for the condominium? what if the developer just sponsored it as part of advertising purposes? what if the car was sponsored for publicity's sake as well? *shrug*

I wouldn't know... really... but until i know for sure he's truly with evil intentions (which for that matter should apply to everyone since everyone is evil, no one is righteous alone) i wouldn't want to be to quick to judge him... been listening to everyone's opinion and trying to source out different viewpoints by seemingly giving my viewpoints.. but somehow there is more to it than meets the eye... and i don't have a viewpoint except this: be objective and real with yourself before judging...

if some christians carry Chanel handbags... which alone cost $4000 and above... why shouldn't an everyday item such as a toilet bowl be given to someone who earns so much more than that? but don't get me wrong... at his own expense, that's fine.. but at others' expense... hm... questionable.

first class and the like... isn't it embarrassing if he had to take economy like everyone else, being the CEO of the largest charitable organisation in singapore? everyone from other countries would recognise him for sure... to build singapore's reputation within the global region.. one must take note of some details as well...

it's easy to slip into the sin of pilfering money in any case, if anyone were in his position... dare you say you won't? you'd have alot of power to will the money here and anywhere you wish... you're bright and successfully backed by one of the most powerful woman in singapore... you know that even if all else fails, someone from overseas is going to recognise this as clever and not absurd... and hire you for a consultant even... what say you?

give without expecting in return... give even when it hurts... give and let even when another takes advantage of you... what better way to exude the love of God than here! to continue to think of another's need for dialysis than to concentrate on attacking the man everyone has been attacking?

two wrongs won't make a right...

feeling a little down and out... now that i have time to be..

realised that i haven't been entirely appreciative of the people around me... my family and friends... especially when i start to throw my little tantrums here and there and not go for dinos and stuff... I guess everyone needs a community.. and i only started to feel very much at home when i start trying to come up with time to feel so...

:)

which is good, in a sense... speaking to my business development manager at that time yesterday for a good two hours made me realise alot of strategic planning and the like for business.. the acumen one must have and the attitude a good business person is supposed to be having... no one solution is the best...but business proves everything through statistics and figures...

but what i would like to question would be: shouldn't it be that what is unseen is probably going to carry more weight than what is already seen and experienced?

don't get me wrong.. he's a smart guy... but he hasn't much of a life really... deep inside i know he spends pittance of time on sleep to accomplish to feel accomplished and accepted and wanted... the truth is... the world is cruel.. while you're good and young they extract your talents... once you're old and feeble... you'd be rather done for... at that time, have you got anyone to grow old with? do you know what you have been living for and should have been looking forward to?

i wouldn't know... about you... but i know i want to have his life, his truth and his way.. not my own...

Like the sun, that rises everyday
You are so faithful, Lord you are faithful
Like the rain that you send, and every breath that i breathe
You are so faithful oh Lord

Like the flower that comes alive every spring
You are so faithful, Lord you are faithful
Like the clouds in the sky and every beat of my heart
You are so faithful oh Lord

I see the cross and the price you had to pay
I see the blood that washed my sin away
And in the midst of the storm
Through the wind and the waves
You'll still be faithful
You'll still be faithful
When the starts refuse to shine and time is no more
You'll still be faithful
You'll still be faithful oh Lord

Words changed a little due to my poor memory.. yeeks... ha :)

bu hui ba...

everything in my office com is in mandarin... pretty amazing that i can still navigate my way around things... well i had my tom yam seafood again... hehe... really nice and filling.. and of course because it used to be from golden shoe it's pretty cheap... for raffles place...

argh i got to do up a newsletter for my company before i leave in two weeks... sheesh... just when i thought that the worse was over.... it's only just began... i don't mind coming up with the content... that i am familiar with... being in publications and magazine writing stuff before... it's the layout that would be the problem... but someone i know used to do magazine stuff... *ah hem*

i won't be so thick skinned as to ask for help... but if i'm highly desperate i just might... and perhaps you mightn' refuse me... the theme i'm basing the newletter on is Food...

alright i'll admit it's pms...

and why ever not admit the obvious? :) sometimes rather than try to make sense of it all by rationalising that it is possible i am irrational sometimes... why not admit that it's the mood swings caused by those bouts of pms?

and because of that horrid thingy... i lost my temper for the first time in a long long while...

but it made us realise alot of things about us... that when i am not myself ( in the pms mode) we clash alot... but otherwise... things are fine as it is... for now... *smile*

first quarrel but so what? ")

and my friendster account's been visited by a pretty amazing number of people in just a week... perhaps it's the new trend coming anew...

skipped gym this morning... bad decision yet good... my back hurts...

golf was actually fun despite all the crap i went through before that... forgetting this stuff and all the losing my temper...

sank a twentyfive-feet putt... hehe *grin*

why ever not?

speaking alot more mandarin and it's driving him nuts!

:)

sorry but my work place is simply too chinese-speaking and our 'slang' and 'lingo' just has too much 'cheng yu' within and lots of 'chim' words and the like...

and he almost went nuts with confusion and being too appalled at my sudden paradigm change that he almost couldn't drive properly... it isn't my fault to be sure...

one of my colleagues used to come to CCR... her name is Jan... anyone remembers her? from the YAM...

and i had my first encounter with terrorist-client andy... thank God i had the wisdom to know how to protect myself without lying and sounding too defensive or something...

picking up stuff at caltex house with such alacrity that it is starting to sound rather scary considering that i had a much tougher time at suntec... but i prayed really hard for this one too... so I believe it's God's answer... Thank God...

we had gelare's... c'est tres bien! Heck the fats with kerosene... I'm going to enjoy life...

had my facial at park mall today with CC... some derma-abrasion thingy with diamond scrub... pretty cool... heh...

but it's still driving my nuts that i hadn't gotten to play golf this week... he's going to be so mad... so am I...

and i'm easily the fattest there is in my company right now.. the rest are anorexic looking... oh well... i think i seriously need to reconsider my appetite and weight... oh oh... *shakes head*

feeling a little clammy...

i didn't go for cell last two fridays because of pretty entirely valid reasons... and yes i did prepare for the sessions as well even... just that for one i was too sick to get out of bed... and two it was my brother's birthday and i wanted to spend some time with him... is that too much to ask? especially when i love and treasure my family alot...

i didn't get to play my par three... grr... weekend number three/four and i still haven't got cracking at it... i was all enthusiastic about the prospect of playing at least a round this afternoon until a downpour drowned all my hopes...

but because of that i got to see a car that kinda caught my eye... alot... ha though the engine leaves much to be desired... Toyota's Terrier... yes i went to the car show room with my parents for fun since we couldn't have the fun at the golf course... was fun touching and looking at the new cars albeit not buying... :)

had a bit of a depressive spirit when i learnt that i hadn't been too good on the scales... it's like... what's wrong with me? am i a little abnormal? yet i'm telling myself to relax and think straight... what i have is a whole load of muscles that support athleticism... not the skinny bony bits.... so losing the weight is going to be horribly tough...

*grit*

and those people without sporting backgrounds have it so easy with the juggly sorts... argh. *no offense but i really admire you guys for that*

it's just one of those days... i realised... the pms thingy's getting to me... haiz...

and tomorrow is my first day at caltex house... raffles place... no longer than suntec... yay to a new environment but change is sometimes inconvenient and a trifle scary... :)

well well... what to make of it all? Just let go and trust God...

your words will ring in my head for a long time to come!

phil you made my day... and probably my week too!

I tried the 5 wood today... kept missing the ball that's forever getting further and further away from me... tried to remember what i found in the notes which i read like a serious student before going for the lesson and everything text-based was right but what wasn't was everything... ironic?

then phil told me to just whack the ball like i always did... by this time it was getting mighty frustrating given that i always catch the swing and stuff really quickly.. and this time... argh.

but that's aside from the fact that i really rarely practise... thank God for the innate ability... haha

and so i did. despite never trying the wood before the rest of the shots i made went over 150m...

a handful reached 200m... 5 wood...

how do you explain that? well for one reason God knew i was about to break down soon cause today somehow has been emotionally draining for me... (no reference to him) perhaps it's the pms... but thank God...

and yes i was jumping and raving away from the moment i did those shots till now...

he said i was an intelligent student... haiz... the wonders of a few rightly placed words... made my ego swell... :)

the biggest event of the year... but why don't i feel good?

IOC. London won... but somehow it comes to me as "so what?" not that i intentionally want london not to win... i was a little more objective here.. found that moscow had the best design but as for the presentations... no one can really blame them isn't it? after all, english is not their national language... and so exciting spanish had alot to give but i guess they aren't within the 'circle of trust'... new york was quite a disappointment but they can pride in more possibly winning it the next time round for 2016... :) London had the more credible olympic spirit...involving the young... sometimes with whatever you have got, logistically and even the best transport station and etc.. if you haven't got the spirit... you haven't got it... London... here's a toast.

but does it make me all excited? not much so... not when there are still happenings around the world other than the IOC... like the sobering suicide... like the things we have got to do as tasks... like the everyday mundane things... like so...

but eating gets me fired up! *mirth*

i can't feel too good today... don't ask me why... maybe it's because he is sick... and perhaps also because half my clients look so off today because they supported paris... perhaps it's because although i stayed home yesterday for the first night in ages... i didn't exactly speak to my family members all that much and i regret it alot... i love them... so why don't i treasure them more? perhaps it's the after effect of knowing about the suicide... how it gets to you... questions you... gets you thinking...

somehow alot of other things don't matter anymore... they don't...

life-> so precious.

I guess people will always and ever commit the same mistake of not treasuring what and who you have until something drastic happens to you or someone else close to you... or perhaps it could be a mere aquaintance.. and we are but watchers from the outside.. but it hurts and hits us on the inside...

i just got to know about a 17-year-old youth who used to attend Marcus' church some time back, who committed suicide... brash decisions would no longer be part of this young life... and so would all the romance and schooling, fun and laughter in serving the Lord and finding the purpose of his life... there would be no turning back... no legacy to leave behind... tears to stream from his parents' eyes... and they know not why...

it hurts, doesn't it?

what's life if you don't learn to take everything from it and appreciate it? what's life if it isn't for you to enjoy? but be wise to enjoy what God has intended for you to... not play the boundaries and get yourself hurt...

shifting around uncomfortably in all seats but the shared...

somehow the responses of everyone else is unnerving me... and it's not about the smiles and weird stares but more of the unpleasant experiences we had to go through and settle before really coming together with peace... of course i have got to tell myself that perhaps this is something we would never be able to conquer and take control of... and so we had better let go and let God... :)

and i only wished our shared conversations could be longer... but both of us are pretty busy with this and that and we like to have our time shared with everyone else... with church people and our friends and families... so it doesn't make for much to speak to each other about stuff but i respect that fact that we both lead separate yet conjoined lives... and share our lives and relationship with everyone else so that we are in a sense accountable to more people and thus wouldn't tend to make the silliest decisions... at least, that is what i think so...

wrote a poem... in about ten... a pretty interesting one.. which i declined to share here once i felt that it would be too much information about my life and the like... ha... perhaps sometimes certain things are only for a person's eyes... *smile*

don't puke.

and additionally... i'm still trying to get over the fact that i have not been the best gf for the past one week and more.. although i believe i was an extremely supportive and caring friend to him for that matter before everything started... it's just this thing within me that wants to push him further in the Lord... to the Lord... and want to support him in every way possible in my actions, thoughts and speech as well as my decisions... not to make them without his consent when the decisions concern him...

but perhaps i need to come to the realisation that yes i'm nothing... i constantly need the Lord's provision and wisdom... realisation is better than ignorance then.. and i had better thank God at least i knew and know... and i can change for the better... :)

you beat me to blogging about the photos!

yup... it was really fun even as i showed my ridiculously cute photographs of myself when i was just a few months old... i had bright and sparkly eyes then.. wondered what happened along the way to shrink them... haiz... :) then it did occur to us that we must try... and find the photos... so we went searching... and i was almost about to give up when i decided to look into my brother's one month old party pictures... marcus was there. *grin* pretty obscure place to find him but yes, he was there... the little boy in a red shirt... you know what does this mean? come this year and we probably last met about 17 years ago...

serendipity.

and my dad finally had company to watch the grand prix... *laughs* i myself was so tired cause i didn't see the excitement after it was apparent to me that michael wouldn't be taking first place...

they were talking cars... i just sat and listened with interest... goodness.. the stuff they mentioned could be easily russian to chinese...

and yes i helped my mom bake some banana cinnamon muffins for her classmates, baked for my colleagues as well... baked for marcus' mom and dad too... ok la.. him also... after all what's so good about having a gf who bakes but you don't get to enjoy any? hee hee...

was good fun... makes me not feel any surge of feelings when i skipped gym this morning... to sleep more... had to... the dark rings were going around my face already... *sticks tongue out* slept early at his order... haiz... who said i was the 'controlling' party? *wink*

interrogation. *sinister laugh*

got interrogated. well, him actually. *smile* i guess all i cruely did was to stand there and look innocent.

oh last night's dinner was superb although i had i miss out on my cell because the worship and the like started off late. and had to help clear up since it seems pretty much a humongous task for three people to handle... more hands make more haste.

the video's not up yet and neither are the articles.. God help me.. and i haven't touched the par 3 greens to practice... yet. argh.

we had swensen's in the afternoon to boot and it was nice because we had apple crumble with ice cream on the top. c'est magnifique if you ask me...

I'm not a control freak ok. *disclaimer* if you were wondering about my controlling his regimes and all... i won't do what he wouldn't let me.