the Hugos told me something...

the Hugo sunglasses I saw at the spectacles hut booth at business showed me something today.... when i saw it, I immediately started to think of someone who got his eyes lasered some time back and and I wanted to find something that would fit him nice and good. but i stopped myself halfway since well, there really hasn't been much of a response from him. secondly, i was shocked at my feeling this way- thinking of him first when it comes to little things like that. thirdly, i hadn't brought enough cash to purchase the hugos. fourthly, i was rushing off for my marketing meeting... for the presentation tomorrow which we would be presenting- and it is vital to our marketing marks! *grit*

Gambatte people! Woo hoo! Full power suits and ties: come on over!

no misfire no more.

no misfires no more. recently, there have been alot of misfires due to carelessness as well as a lack of resolution to make sure that things stay in as tip top a condition as possible... It shall and won't be anymore... got to start mugging big time (God give me the strength, I beg you) and finetuning those presentations to precision.

The last lap, the final go.

The internship? Well Katie said it's still early and we haven't seen anything yet. So I guess I am rather undecided as to whether to feel happy at possibly going or not. But this indecision aids me in calming my nerves. Not to mention, takes my mind off this whole issue: I have got more camps and dance and exams to go...

I just don't feel like having some things in life anymore... the worrisome days, the anxieties and heartaches... I could and would do without them... But someone has got to help me out...

mind blowing.

mind blowing not in the positive sense but the negative. where i used to be so confident of my outside-business modules, i am now left to sigh in dismay at my midterm results... i dunno what is anymore... but should this mean that my business modules are picking up: I guess what God is trying to tell me is that I am definitely cut out for business, and not other fields... I wouldn't know as yet. But I do know having the gift of the gab makes people believe in me more than they should... *smile*

so i am left to pick up the pieces to move on... trying to get it out of my mind that it's merely 10% I am missing out on by doing badly in the midterms... and that there are more things to to be done and looked out for... like improving grades in subsequent tests.. the race is not over!

my friends around me have been entirely supportive- thanks guys! I think when you're in the pits: you know who's for you and who's sticking to you for other reasons (which i cannot think of except maybe to be entertained by my weird antics?)

*smile*

for now: presentations, memory work, readings, tutorials, study for tests, study for tests, study for tests to make up the ground lost...

Go sophie go! God help Sophie.

I had to say all that...

right now I dunno who to turn to and what to say... God, be my refuge and peace, like you've always been...

Send yourself along our ways to guide our thoughts wisely and well. There is no higher wisdom than yours.

Meanwhile a month is all I am left with school- and I don't want to jeopardize it. I worked hard all these while... the end is nearing... many things are coming up thereafter- I need to reorganize my schedules to include everything in the world for myself... golf, sports, camps, dance, baking, tennis watching, and vcds. those should do the trick for me, i hope... anything to take my mind off things would be good really... just not shopping in singapore- it sucks.

If I never knew you...

I wouldn't be sitting here thinking about you, I wouldn't be sitting here thinking what went wrong. But if I didn't know you, I wouldn't have come out of an otherwise stifling r/s, for which I am really thankful for. I seem to have chosen something over you, and you seem to have chosen to feel angry about it over loving and supporting me. You are disappointed I even thought about it; I am disappointed someone I thought who would support me wholeheartedly and told me to go for it now turns his back- leaving me in the lurch. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you. I don't think I am in the wrong too. I am headstrong that way: but it doesn't mean I don't have the objective thoughts to think this way. It was a case of pure bad timing, and lack of communication. An entire lack of discussion of true feelings led me to believe in your nonchalance and lack of commitment- which to date- you still have not thought of. I didn't know how to go about committing to someone and making entire decisions that would stop me from doing what I like when I don't know how I stand in his life... Sure I mean alot to you but does alot mean everything? Does alot mean that I have to do what you would want me to do because I mean alot to you? You mean alot to me too. Does alot mean that I hope you would be able to support me in whatever I choose to do? Does alot mean that I hope you would be able to see things apart from my want to experience something I would never in the future experience? Yes, it does for me. So even if at the end of the day, I do not go for this, I think this brings light to what we want and think for a relationship. I know I am ready to commit: and commitment doesn't mean giving up what is good for you for the relationship. Neither is it not giving up and expecting the other to adhere to your decision plans. It's communicating that commitment in the first place to discuss our viewpoints and talk things out. Thereafter, whatever actions ensue stems from the commitment to let the other know of his or her feelings...

he said i was intelligent!

I wonder why a caucasian's words has to make the heart kick more than usual... haha... but i think that Alex is really smart and hardly the sort to say anything at all... Ian's all shy and sort... just needed to do the corporate finance stuff and did I do despite having a lack of sleep last night! :) Thank God for that...

though i would have come up with a more satisfactorily nice answer had it been a singaporean... :/

ARGH!!!

weight gain: shoot.

All i did was sleep exceptionally much, does my body have to do that kind of damage to me???

and it's not in grams... :(

i am so afraid of getting onto the weighing scale now... keep visualising myself being bloated each time i see myself... perhaps it's the 'thing' coming this month... o i hate those times...

so i think i love to dance...

the dancers from the show "so you think you can dance" were fantabulous!!! I absolutely love it and recommend it to anyone who hasn't an inkling to dance like me, has everything to do with dance, and doesn't know what dance is all about... :) basically, to put it simply, everyone can work with some gaping mouths when you look at the tricks they pull up, and the power and strength of the dancers this time around... the ladies are powerful and sculpted, the men poised and lean... i think it makes girls like me proud of my own physique, since well... i don't think i fall into the skinny sort... ha...

that enough said: i need to be doing more work or merely some amount of work! it doesn't seem to be working out... when my family's home i just tend not to do anything and want to spend more time with them... and yes i eat more when i am with them because eating builds good relations if one doesn't realise here in singapore... :) which is bleah for me because i don't eat because i am hungry, i eat obligatory... you can just imagine having snacks on top of your full lunch! but the company makes you forget it then and that.. until you are left to yourself to sulk at the sillyness... :(

poor ferrari and schumacher! it was so unfortunate that he just had to have such a season to end off his career: both times were pure bad luck. punctured tyres and blown engines? at this crucial stage? aw it couldn't have been worse... :(

the reports are on their way to completion and the crazy weeks ahead and fast approaching... *shudder*

tests are in abundance and squashed together and everyone seems to be trying to breathe... to survive... not go crazy... still stay productive... and sane...

Princess Hours Fan?!?

I dunno what has really gotten in my head in the past 48 hours or so... it seems that ever since I've had a good night's of rest, I seem to be sleeping every other hour and not doing much work at all! So now the homework's left in a clutter, I don't know which day's from which, and right now my weekend's so packed but i don't even know when's for what... *haiz*

so maybe the lack of rest had alerted my little head to have more endorphines and adrenaline produced by my body... and perhaps, that situation was good for that time... and perhaps now's the time to rest and recover... but did i miss out on that much rest? *shakes head*

speaking of shaking my head- I just had a strain on my neck... sheesh it hurts big time and i cannot turn my head without wincing... silly sleeping positions perhaps, and yes, too much rest! and so i skipped my swimming yesterday... *frown* have to make it up today afternoon...

see how detrimental it can be? I think maybe i had better pray not for more rest but for rest in the right way and hour... and discipline and a lack of distractions...

Princess Hours is a whimsical but funny, yet romantic show which i had initially dissed but now profess to be a fan off... ok maybe was a fan off since i'm done with the whole series over the net... haha... u tube.. best thing that has ever happened since msn... hehe...

please sophie, start studying and being more serious! please stay disciplined!

*Sophie* finds it all amazing...

I dunno what is going to happen but I seem to be the only candidate who is applying for the job right now- the rest have accepted all other positions at other companies which have interviewed them since last week. This is due to my late submission of my CV- everyone else had their multiple interviews... I have only had a screening...

But this life science firm seems to be in line with what I would like to do... and with the contacts made around this prior to this amazingly, I seem to be headed in this direction... But honestly, if they screen me and find me unsuitable- I guess that I can really consider being off the program then- since every other company has had their pick and mine wasn't in the pile when they chose.

I prayed that although my CV would go up really late, that the company whom i would eventually work for would only look through the CVs when mine is up. So far this is the only company which has. All other companies had their 'kiasu' moments...

and remember when I said I didn't have good and enough rest? Well I just had a good night's of rest- thank God. for the first time in many nights, really...

this weekend's going to be crazy- coming back to NUS almost everyday *glup* I really don't wanna stay behind but i guess i have no choice... :(

in any case, I should be thankful! (but I am justa little irked at how some people tell me not to worry and I get appleased due to their seemingly similar positions as mine and i find out in the end that it is not so)

Time dilation...

In general relativity, when one is placed in a place of higher gravitational strength, the time would travel slower but similarly everything would be slowed down... when one is placed in a place of lower gravitational strength, the time would trave faster and everything would speed up. In each region's own time, the observer within would not be able to tell the difference i.e. to each observer in each of the region, his own time is correct.

However, if you were to compare the two, the time of the lower gravitational strength seems to be faster and the number of things that you are able to do is more. I feel like I'm in this region right now- I am pretty productive but I seem to be taking time from the region of lower gravitational strength- time crawls...

Perhaps it's my sleeping habit for the past weeks... it's been a little puzzling... when I used to sleep for more than 7 hours for a good night's rest, suddenly I am relegated to 4-5 hour naps... or less... I mean the lesser sleep means I can do more, no doubt, but does it mean my body is starting to scream from the workload? My friends told me so... and some have noted I have lost a little weight- nah I am not undergoing stress to that extent! I don't even feel that I should be stressed- I just take things one at a thing, shouldn't I not?

*shrug* about the weight loss: many have been asking me how I diet... I dunno what to say or think, really.. because all I ever do these days is what i need to do: work. In the past, when I was so caught up with dieting, i never lost the weight I wanted to- how ironic.

I eat more these days in fact! More starch, cakes and all... I mean I don't avoid them, I just eat them! They're nice! and i need some sugar to kick up my spirits, keep me going and fulfill my cravings... *hmm...*

God's been sending his angels to surround me... I really want to thank him... my interview's in less than 3 hours' time... I wonder how I would do...

tired out.. sleep and wake up early, sleep and am tired...

it's a vicious cycle... i have been sleeping at awkward timings of 1030 at night and waking up in the middle of the night with no amount of effort being able to settle me down to sleep for the next few hours as necessary... as such i end up awake and alert with nothing to do... and not knowing how and why it is...

my friend's had 4 offers of interviews and has sat and failed through 2 of them... he is certain of the 3rd and rejected the 4th. i just only got wind of my first one this coming tuesday, and it's 4 of us fighting for the place of 1... I wonder if it's all meant to be... *twitch*

if it does, wow... i do have an amazing story to tell... if it doesn't... well... hm...

feeling a little drowsy right now... sheesh... this is seemingly so bad...

much ado about project meetings and project work... people haven't been turning up for meetings nor doing the stuff that they should... i guess it really all boils down to the few of us doing all the work! oh well... time to keep to the deadlines and pick up lifelines soon... :/

nice golf game!

due to a nice set of clubs- thanks to my loving parents!!! :) and wonderful company of course! My mom, dad, uncle jeff and i went to play 9 holes... was too little... but due to changing schedules this had to be it... I didn't exactly play good but i guess in certain aspects my game has improved...

meetings, meetings all abound... oh well... time to wake up and stop smelling the roses to start getting to the work!

God has been good in his provision... I suppose when things have happened: I would let you in on the wonderment of his love that I feel... :)

meanwhile, a lack of sleep has left my eyes panda-like and my whole body tired... been tired even at project meetings which require the minimal amount of attention... i am still left wondering how in the world I managed to go through the lectures...

"I want that kind of guy too..."

the exact words from a very good friend of mine... I really didn't think he would do it... but I think I shan't mention what a romantic thing he did over the webcam tonight... :)

Dinner at the italian restaurant at holland village's amici was fantastic! my best-bud-cousin, god ma and god pa, and aunty were there together with my dad, mom, bro and sis... :)

the food was good, the company was good and the almond fruit cake was so soft and smooth!!!

There were alot of nice and expectedly nice wishes from friends i hadn't heard from in ages! :) thanks you guys!!! really... honestly... truly...

I am in for a very busy week ahead! but I guess with such angels around me whom God has placed.. How can I complain? :)

Beautiful Pre-birthday so far!

Unexpected friends' wishings... presents from my whole family and presents from my godma... slept early and am up at such a weird timing... i think i just can't sleep enough nowadays... oh well! I wonder about the birthday present from God... :)

It's all a little hard to take but I had contemplated not taking it... but prayers and confirmations have brought me to accept it no matter what and how... I dunno how it would go but I'll trust him and him... he said he would wait.

i dunno what to think...

everytime i think that there has to be some end to my problems... new ones pop right up... and it seems that it's a never ending barrage of complications... emotional issues... and it affects me... When i start to think that i am most immune to whatever that threatens to affect me... it just has to come in the form of the people closest to me... i know the life i want to live isn't all the typical... i am not your stay-home sort of girl... but yet i am a committed individual.. and i pledge something because i really want to... but the commitments seem to be in conflict. will i ever find something that doesn't? must something always have to give? i admit i know something has always got to give... but i anticipated everything else and got over so many issues only to find that what i thought would never be a problem, has become a problem...

Looks good!

Gean said my CV looks good... she's the placement director for the Biovalley side of things... I think it's so much easier to come clean with the directors about my concerns and how I feel towards things as they are somehow more tolerant of honest, erring people but not politically correct, fakish people... I hope to learn alot more from that sort of a culture! Seems like they would be placing me wherever they can... oh well... shall try any then.. this is such a comforting thought...

Been mulling over this decision as well as much as I have been poring over the reports that I have yet to hand up... *shudder* Was in an essay writing mood last night till early this morning and made quite a few accomplishments! Finished quite a fair bit of what I needed to do... Of course there is still more... but it really depends on how I take things... and how they come...

Schumacher's really quite out of the race this time around! His car's engine blew... *sobs loudly* I mean, that's so so sad!!! He gave it his all... I really feel for that guy... such a champion.. when he's in front, he stays in front... when he's behind he catches up... this sort of attitude is really something I would need to learn up... for the workplace.. for anything really!

On another note, my sweet cell girls made mooncakes for me for a birthday present! ok so it's the cake too.. haha! I have never experienced this before, given that the mooncake festival is really always during the month of september and rarely comes over to october! Had lunch with the church people and started to catch up with many of them.. it's amazing how our lives seem alot more connected now that most of them are working, and having really different mindsets. maybe I am in a way and has always been very work oriented.. and workplace orientated not to mention.. perhaps this connecting factor is there.. and since we all would be working for some more time to come... *wink* hope this stays... somewhat.

My bf is super supportive of my decisions and I really thank God for that.. after asking so many of my guy friends what they would think if they had been in his place, most of them would have kicked up a huge fuss over what i do and pull long faces until i drop decisions... well, they so said! I am so thankful he's not at all like that! We're comfortable with space and gaily bantering... some guys just want their gfs to stick like glue to them for them to feel good... we hold hands and walk the way together... it's nice... we get to talk and discuss about our passion (traveling)... yeah it's an expensive passion but oh well.. takes two to like something to do it together... (nearer in the future i hope!)

???

I am filled with question marks at this juncture, given that I really dunno anything about how anything is going to turn out for my tests, and neither the results for noc... ah patience patience... it eludes me... and i dunno what to do... but i guess least the worse is sorta over.. and now i can finally concentrate on my papers and assignments... wow. how exciting.

and so here starts my crazy rush to hand up multiple papers... all on my birthday and shortly thereafter... please God, give me a birthday present i would love so dear.. you know my heart's desire, i don't.

the odds are stacked up against me...

I have gotten through the 2nd round of NOC and now it's dependent on whether any companies would care to have me as an intern... Been given a choice between BioValley and Silicon Valley.. it's hard and tough, because it seems that my advisors think I probably have a better chance with Silicon Valley... and not to mention, it's something I wanted, except that I didn't really see much prospects of a company with Silicon Valley... Now with this, I have looked through the list of companies and people on the list (16 of them) and found every one of their resume spectacular and i wonder how in the world I managed to edge out some people to get to this stage- it must be his plan and timing... I couldn't do it on my own. My cap is rather laughable and I definitely do not seem to have as much experience as many of them... BioValley seems to house tons of Bio and Chem engineers.. it's ironic that some years back I turned down Ntu's bioengineering course... and now i am back to this...

i have been wondering ever since i started studying here in nus- why i have to be here. i had prayed about my choices and God wanted me to come here... i can see why now but i didn't understand why business... but i realise (very much later and after alot of angst and deliberate frustrations and complaints) that if his favour is upon you, there's no reason why you cannot be blessed... though in ways that the world doesn't see, and sometimes you don't too...

should i not succeed in getting an internship, it's God's will to test and see if I would resent him for not bringing me there... If I do get it... (they say it's usually 95% certain) to see if i would credit everything to him, or take the credit on my own... but i highly doubt taking credit on my own... because really... what am i compared to those people on the charts? sure i smooth talk, but that's really about it. i'm utterly scared out of my wits and nerves.. and i don't know if i would bring any value to any company there... i don't know if they would take me... then again, i hadn't known so many things.. perhaps i would just let go and let God?

to add injury to my vulnerable state... i believe i have disappointed both myself and someone very significant in my life... he's slated to come back on the 1st of january from denmark and with my going there for a year and the possibility of leaving just as he arrives- the whole issue is daunting... i don't know what to do or think... and i cannot seem to do anything anyways because i am not really confirmed going... but yet in my heart i dunno how to placate this upsetting thought of a probable tension... i hope he comes back earlier to spend some time with me... but i don't want to hold him back from enjoying the time in europe... it costs a bomb to get there... we both love travel, and i won't want him to lose the chance of enjoying himself... but the heart is weak and wants him back home...

God, please help me out. make things right. why did you bring me all the way if you're not going to bring me there? I prayed for a letter of rejection if it's not your will to go and you have shown me so many signs... why this? or am i acting on my own silly thoughts? you are going to put it through for me?

Busyness is an attitude- something to shirk!

Busyness causes your fixed number of fat cells that doesn't increase since the tender age of 2 to bloat, especially at the adominal areas!!! Yeeks!!!

So i shall try to lead a very nice and balanced lifestyle... not too much of anything... although i must say that i munch alot recently... apparently the body secretes some hormone when you're stressed to eat... which apparently causes me to get more worked up... since well, i don't like the idea of eating too much to get fat... eating much is nice though... haiz... :(

my heart skipped a beat when i looked at the map of america just... i don't know why... there's no reply... and neutral as i am, i would rather closure, somewhat.

Anntic meeting went wonderful just now and i just relish the chance of sharing like brothers and sisters in christ- our struggles and joys, praying for one another and encouraging one another... i was sharing that God has placed in my life angels here and there whenever i felt down and out... which was when i pretty much did not expect it... i have been smiling to myself whenever i receive out-of-the-blue smses and emails... messages and all.. it's really nice!

one more test to study for and gun after... have to put in my best. have to do alot more work thereafter but that should be the least of my worries huh? :)

discussing test questions btw after the test, is not good.

2 down 2 more to go... with more to go... more to go...

haha i think that my title sounds pretty depressing and if you happen to already be too packed with work to breathe perhaps it mightn't be such a welcome relief nor a comfort to know that someone else in the world is having tons of work to do but maybe it might be comforting to know that that someone is trying to take things in her stride and you should too!

when colin asked me about my tests and how i thought that i would fare- i was blanked out at first and then i just registered a pure peace in my heart- knowing that what is done is done and i cannot do anymore about it than mourn and weep (both of which is definitely deregatory for my next 2 tests and more to come!)

so i guess i would let go and let God and i have send an email finally, to ask the noc people about my placement and even for that i think i would be immensely relieved either way... as long as there is some sort of an answer!

i have got 3 assignments due next week and 2 more due the following: and i have not much time to contend with really... all the time i have now is dedicated to blogging and complaining, and studying... honestly having a sound board in the form of a blog is rather therapeutic and though it doesn't add on to my studying time it certainly does help in helping me type out my pent-up thoughts and feelings- to release me to do what i need to- so that i need not have emotional burdnes in some sense...

but in any case i would be studying for my double major or honours and so it wouldn't be the last that you would be seeing of me... no doubt. i hope that that fact would not affect my chances at NOC because i really am keen on the double major and technically this would not be my final year.. the next sem would be the start of my final year...

oh well i said i would give it up to God, I should.

marketing project meeting's slightly later and i have to get home to do the finance tutorial which we would discuss tomorrow after my physics test... after which i have to cram for the next test: financial markets.

I was supposed to be stoned whilst i sat during my physics tutorial today but thank God 5 minutes worth of looking through the intended reading was sufficient for me to understand the EPR paradox and all the intricacies of quantum theory... :) thank God! hm i think i would need to start doing tutorials all this week... and readings... if i wouldn't want more stress over the now shorter weekend with my test on sat and dance thereafter followed by the alpha dinner... just that: i don't think i would have even time to bathe! *yeeks*

more to go, Sophie, you can, so go! :0)