you're such a dear...

and I thank God so much for you and friends who have supported me along this way... mo especially, since his ears have been suffering under the weight of words... :)

a listening ear, a patient heart, honest opinions and a love that belies is medicine to anyone's soul.

Thank you Lord for helping me out with this... i know you're trying to teach me something about myself through this... and in dealing with others...

played tennis with some bizad friends today... and then hung out for a movie after carl's jr before heading home... was superb! caught 16 blocks... but i think the impact was somewhat lessened because we watched sentinel on monday... two huge blockbusters just negate each other's effectiveness...

inefficiencies. because we're all individualists.

after a few smses to a couple of friends, i realised the reason behind inefficiencies. because we're all individualists. we all want our own way. we don't give in to negotiation unless we're forced to. and by that time, some time would have been lost. in the cause of chasing efficiencies, we're getting inefficient.

God help me to be efficient.

GRANDMA

much as i would love to share about my friend's experiences, i think it's better said from the horses' mouth.

much as i would have loved to have heard stories of my grandma by my grandma, i never really had the chance to. i don't wonder why, grandma is such a person of long-suffering she never bothers to talk about her hard life... she only bothered to share what little she had, gave out of her poverty, honour the outcasts of society, and represented every single thing proverbs 31 said about a woman... she's a strong christian who fought all the way to the end. she's my grandma.

before i heard stories about grandma from my cousins and uncles before today's death memorial service of hers, i only knew that she loved guavas, 'irritated' me by giving her share of food to me always, in case i hadn't enough, bought marie biscuits for the grandchildren- which none of the kids really loved, and went to church every sunday...

then her health started failing, and all i remembered was how she used to cover me with blankets when i slept, because i never bothered to. and i get cold at night. i remembered how impatient i was in her misunderstanding of my academic and musical abilities- i thought she was always too critical for my liking. but i didn't miss her all that much because i thought that she would always be around for me...

when she passed on, i cried like a baby. why? because i never appreciated her. i never imagined that her giving me her share of food was what she had been doing all the years of her life. she never had much to eat, always drinking the gravy of the veggies she cooked for the family, and eating stale bread soaked in water to fill her stomach, many times going without food... everyone would have their share, never her. no one knew, because the kids were many and my grandad was a gambler- and gambled away all the family's earnings... she worked as a washerwoman, took care of the kids, did the chores of a wife, a housewife and cared for her grandchildren like her children... even working a day after she gave birth. she never had that one month's worth of rest needed by women who just delivered.

when she lugged home tons of biscuits and fruit for us, i never did think how heavy those things were to carry on the journey from redhill to my house. and she took the bus. she always tried to save on herself and spend on others... she merely wanted to share happiness with me, like she did with everyone else around her; i was too silly in my own world and space to know about it.

my aunt shared that she would drink water to fill her stomach when there wasn't enough food on the table, but she never let her children and grandchildren go hungry. she would give out of her poverty to people who needed it... she would make coffee for the ragged old man with down syndrome who pushed the smelly trash around everyday last time... she never despised the poor. because she was poor.

she went around begging for money when the house and everything was gone... due to the gambling debts of my grandad... and started a business to earn some-never selling things at too high a price so that other poor could buy something for themselves... she didn't earn much, and what she earned she loaned to the poor...

it wasn't until much later in life that her children started to carve out careers for her and started to bring food to her table for her. but she never got used to receiving... she was used to giving... that was the only fault of hers... but it isn't a fault, is it?

my grandma, a great woman.

bemused by musicians.

as i probably mentioned in my groggy state just now about chatting on the phone for hours into the wee hours of the morning... well... kinda felt that everything was so unexpected.

pri 4 was 11 years ago for me...

to chat like old friends? wow...

baked more muffins for my mom's cell after running some errands... church music practice went well and thank God for that!

just realised that alot of the people whom i am surrounded by are musicians... more recently.

and yea mo did say that musicians are generally a more passionate bunch who keep people guessing...

arguments are a part of every relationship

after a session of dinos of arguments, i am suddenly plunged into more arguments and conflicts. this is so right.

and i came back home late last night from chatting about the gnostic gospels... pretty interesting...

a really old friend called and we chatted for 3 plus hours into the wee hours of the morning... his story- i would share in more details... for now i am rather spent.

bleah. :)

blah.

i was having a fabulous day from cycling to the market with my mom to having lunch with my mom and brother to cell group at night until the dreaded argument... :(

S7. woo hoo!

amazingly, the wordy entries have given way to the simplistic ones...

i just tried out the S7 head racket and man was it a hit... :) it's so much lighter and easier to handle... since well, i haven't been lifting weights in a while... no matter...

did the re-gripping of two of my rackets and felt good cause it was supposed to be done more than a year back... :(

boiled green bean soup today... was a tad too sweet but wasn't too bad i guess...

got to go get my passport made tomorrow... bother bother... but it has to be done soon or else... when i really do need it, i might not have the time to do it... sheesh... does that mean taking the passport pictures all over again? i am rather camera shy... honest!

been gorging as usual but without the usual guilt... think despite that i might have to watch my diet soon... it's getting rather out of hand... everything should be done in moderation...

cause buffets are coming up! hehe...

muffins. goody goody!

had a more fruitful day which didn't include much actually... but anyhow, it felt good.

watched david nalbaldian overcome his point deficit to win his match against andreas seppi.

notified the brothers and sisters involved of church practice this sat.

and had the replies.

watched alot of cooking shows... had the inspiration... baked some muffins. gave some to a neighbour to build good neighbourly relations...

gave my domestic help (dede) her first taste of baking and taught her some of the little stuff i knew...

swum after what seemed like a long while... the rain hasn't been forgiving...

sort of 'counselled' someone... guess when one if from the outside looking in it's always easier to give advice...

and be more objective in comments...

if i had been in it... i would be darn wanting a friend to help me see from the outside looking in...

acid jazz.

if blue like jazz as a title was to describe the soulful, real, and freeform of each person, perhaps acid jazz describes my personality pretty well...

i think i have this acidic tongue which i never attempted to train from young... and of course as the years go by, it gets harder and harder to detect and correct, because it gets excused as part of one's personality. sarcasm. that's what people with acid tongues are excused by.

so i need to be aware of it. get down and dirty to hearing people's comments on the way i carry myself. and see what needs to be done. and whether or not anything needs to be done... because much as i would hate to say this, some people do need a good talking to... but those same people consist of people older than me, supposedly wiser than me... yet they do things in the most childish and illogical way... not saying anything is feigning ignorance and letting them do further wrong... but speaking up is seen as a sign of disrespect. my dad says respect needs to be earned and therefore i should learn to earn that respect from others... he's so nice he's earned alot of respect. ok so i am not nice at all and i need to earn respect to tell other people about something that concerns them and would most definitely affect them if they don't change their ways... here i am trying to see it as an interference because i care... there they're seeing it as disrespect. maybe i shouldn't care. shouldn't care to think for them and of them. just let go and feign ignorance.

i am most certainly bitching here... but i don't get why girls dig musicians, whether or not they possess any social skills... i think guys with a good outlook overall has being a musician as a definite plus point... but not someone who hardly knows how to treat a lady like a lady! i was just having this conversation with joel and calvin and we kinda agreed that quite some girls dig musicians... they can have the most ungentlemanly ways but it is always seen as 'attitude', never a lack of propriety. i thought to myself that it's good for the musicians with an 'attitude' as joel described, that there aren't many girls with my mindset. with that kind of attitude, i wouldn't give a d***

i think it's my swollen eye that's giving me a 'reason' for being acid. and then who knows? pms becomes an excuse... followed by pms... hey there's always the pre and the post symptoms alright...

The propensity to hate...

the propensity to hate is innate but needs to be retrained. i have just finished with Blue like Jazz by Donald Miller and I would say that alot of his experiences are very much similar to mine (or should i put it the other way around?)

finally i do understand a few things...

i have this tendency to 'teach others a lesson' through words and actions... don used to do that until he is convinced by another friend that that is withholding the love of Christ from the people whom Christ wants us to love. and my insistence on my views and way of life that may be right is wrong... whether or not another accepts it has nothing to do with how i should love them...

so what if the whole world doesn't share my world view? i shouldn't be tied in and be feeling angry just because i think another brother or sister is 'illogical' when i think logically. i shouldn't be getting pissed at people who are very spiritual. i always think that they 'seem' spiritual... and that's just the tip of the ice berg because after all, i believed that no one was without faults...

but these are spiritual people who are with faults, with a good number of them admitting it and releasing these pasts and presents to God...

am i too proud to accept the grace of God? or too 'logical' and 'independent' to feel that i do not need God to release me or give me a new lease of life?

some of my views are the following...

I tend to think that alot of christians pride themselves for being christians and look upon other religions as of less value, less truth. sure we have our stand on what is right and what is wrong, but people do not listen to what we have to say if all we have to say demeans their views and religion. everyone in church says no, we don't ! we have unconditional love. but is it? if someone comes into church using cuss words and dresses scantily, our love suddenly becomes conditional. words don't mean anything. we are used to thinking that anything associated with cuss words and less clothes than expected is evil. not worth relating to. of not much worth.

and somehow the outside world is seen as evil. as unspiritual. as immoral. i have friends who aren't christians and they sit by me through bad and good times... they're more sincere than some christians i know... (again i am not saying this to demean christians on the whole) just like singaporeans are mostly judged by their academic prowess... church people are judged by christian-like behaviour. so everyone should mind their 'p's and 'q's... and not get worked up even if you're boiling to the brim... because it won't reflect well on you... *please note the sense of sarcasm*

this is precisely why people leave the church at the age when they realise that life is not a bed of roses and not everyone is nice all the time and there are times when you feel hopeless and 'evil' but they are never 'allowed' to show those times of insecurity and 'pissed-off moments' because the church doesn't really know what to do with it.

if you do realise, there is a certain trend in churches nowadays... there is usually a dominant sort of personality who are christians... and the rest feel left out and out of place... i don't know how it would be to settle such issues especially in catering the service and sermons to different categories of people but i believe God's word speaks to people in ways we can never imagine... yet most churches are going for the 'feeling' religion... just feel the love and grace and forget the logic. just have faith.

i tend to think of christianity as a right blend of logic and faith. there are always facts presented to you, and leaves room for faith to work... i cannot 'feel' anything and have 'faith' in someone i don't know much about unless he shows me his person...

to me, faith comes from knowing someone, and in his character you would know what he's like and so you trust that he will do what he said he will... but if you do not even know him, how would you trust him? if i don't read the bible, how will i know him? it's dangerous to hang around someone you don't know at all (like what our parents used to say with regards to relationships when we were younger, and maybe now, still)

don miller put it rightly so when he said that the root of racism is ourselves.

we feel that we are the standard, should be taken as the standard and think of others as different to us and therefore not worthy of mention or rights. it doesn't only extend to racism, it extends to the way we view different categories of people which we made up for easier classification to have prejudice against and not have prejudice against. it's pride. thinking we are right.

i hope i do not sound preachy here or anything. my motive is not to convince you, but to remind myself of how i have failed as a christian and to help me think through things and recap what i have learnt. if in any case it does apply to you as well, i thank God for it... if it offends anyone, i am terribly sorry for it.

worthlessness and worthiness...

quoting from an unnamed source " it's my friends who remind me of what little worthiness i have"

quoting from a spiritual source " it's Jesus who reminds me of how worthless i am"

which do you prefer to subscribe to?

i don't blame anyone for choosing the former... after all, i am guilty of it as well... in a sense, the former does hold within oneself a source of pride and dignity (so to speak) and one believes that one has worth and that worth is worth keeping, preening and growing...

we find our worth in a myriad of things... money, a good career, academics, looks, talents that are more tangible to the public eye... etc... and when we find that we cannot attain those, we seek to elevate our self-worth by being obstrusive, negative of everyone but ourselves and being judgemental.

i came upon this idea or rather, philosophy if you could call it, when i was sitting there pondering to myself on why i have been particularly snappish, irritable, and negative of everyone... but the thing is, i am also extremely judgemental of myself. so in some sense i do not fit into this prototype and neither can i easily find some solution for this...

and i always have some motive when i am not nice... to give someone else a taste of his or her own medicine... but find myself irritated when they do not see it... but when i am tolerable, i normally do not harbour anything within... so i guess i have to watch those moments...

i think i have to quit thinking that every and anyone can be real in their expressions... and quit being disappointed when they don't... i came back from america wanting to lead a 'normalised' life and found that i had adapted theirs somehow and now i inherently demand everyone else to be outspoken and fearless of exposing their thoughts... and giving a view to it...

and the lack of action. i was offering one of the youth in my church help when i realised that all the talk about needing help was really a desperate call for help more as an expression... or maybe i am wrong... but i just said i was available. she never got back to me as to how she wanted to be helped and all... no i am not condemning this girl, don't get me wrong... i was just disappointed that no plans were made... nothing was suggested on her side to aid herself. i think singaporeans are fast becoming what i earlier described. either they are fearful of asking for help, or they are lacking in action...

and practiciality. no one is going to sit there and be available for you all the time... go grab it if you want it... but for now... i am re-packing my schedules again... would be going to joel's to record some songs... dunno if it would make the cut... my throbbing headache is not a good sign at all and my muscle aches are giving me the hesterics... the cut in my feet didn't split from the scab despite hours of dancing (thank God) and seems to be doing well...

arguments with the people i love are leaving me listless and pissed. but you know you can't be pissed for long... got to treasure them... with so many recent sudden deaths, you can't help but wonder that perhaps it's God's way of telling us to pull up our socks and buck up!?!

i have been contemplating the ministries to be in... and i found new motivation... guess when you try to find out the answers yourself it never comes out right... it's only when u ask the Lord how and which does he tell you. so i ended up not with lesser ministries to be in... but confirmation.

i find it hard to think that other than music (playing the piano), and singing (as most pitched music students can) i am faced with ideas that previous tries have left me cold...

take dancing... i joined to support a friend of my mom who later became my friend (of course you don't dance together not knowing names and she's so nice) thinking that i should be getting out of the dance ministry in no time at all... which i attempted, and failed when a friend of mine broke her leg and had to be replaced with three rehearsals to the actual thing... my plans for a fuss free, stress free holiday were shattered. but was it? i found filfullment in some sense, and i never thought i was say this but it's dancing on stage that makes me comfortable, not so worship leading and all... i am not one for 'spiritual words'... so i guess i make myself heard through dance... to think that when i used to go for ballet at a very young age, i quit soon after because my teacher was horrible. so i would be going for the dance retreat and see what comes out of it (God will see to that like he saw to my costume for the easter dance)

take writing... having been one of the most talkative people anyone around me has ever met, it is rather a shock when people see that i take to writing and books more crazily than others... at first those little poems during literature lessons which were so boring back in sec 1 seemed juvenile and i made nothing of it... i started to write whenever i was down, unhappy or happy. it was always and has always been a private thing of mine... i tend to flood my blog with words so that people won't be bothered to read them... and my blog has this advantage that i have an easy access of nicely typed words in files and archives... i scribble. i believe epistole is one thing i have passion for in vcf... over and above the others... not that it is superior... but i somehow find my niche there... of course one thing that restricts me is that i have to write in accordance to the themes... am trying to adjust... hopefully well...

and of course writing helps you jog your memory on things that have happened so it stays more vividly in your mind... and i hopefully learn more from it...

drama, sports and even previously being in the 'geeky' ( i don't find it geeky) science and math clubs as well as GB has carved me. i look back and think it's a miracle, really... how i never get to serve God in what i really can do but he trains me in the things i had thrown away so long ago, helps me realise my weaknesses and have the courage to start all over again...

the one thing that is weighing on my mind is my studies... when will i have success like back in the old days again? will i even qualify for an honours year? how will i get a job with a degree class like that? i can't imagine... i keep thinking of my cop out as flying to new york to work...

ops i have said too much... it's enough thinking for a day..

oh my nick on msn was rather a distressed mode... i am not really that bad in shape (though i am found physically wanting in many areas) except for a throbbing headache, a cut in my feet which is healing... muscle aches in my entire body...

and wen was so nice... he immediately asked me how i was doing... etc... despite his being so busy... :) i really can smile to that despite everything... and i told him that.

a woman of not too much substance...

everyone seeks to want to be that woman of substance but without those in the form of cellulite. where on earth am i going to find someone like that? i think we all need to understand that not one is born with everything to boot. one gives way for another. to whom much is given, much is expected. unless one seeks to use beauty along the likes of fighting for 'world peace' in contests i shall not mention... it's useless really...

with age comes beauty's flee... so why bother?

but i didn't know it had gotten so bad to the point where even the skinniest girl around thinks she's fat. this is not only a show of poor social skills especially when women she is talking to are way larger than her in size... it is also a show of insecurity of her own.

thinking back i used to be obessessed with weight issues. now i found something better. am hoping to attain an atheletic body more than anything else. one that enables me to do the sports i love... and if in the process of seeking this i do lose some weight... good for me...

and i can finally eat without guilt. eat and be carefree... enjoy sports... what nots...

i had better enjoy my eating now when i am young, when i grow old, goodness knows the dieting that i would have to carry out the weeks leading to squeezing into that gown for marriage, after childbirth, after ageing has set in... if i actually diet now...

so what am i to do when these views are imposed on me again? when my mom saying i need to go on a diet and am too fat... my skinny friends around me griping about their fats and weight?

"I am so fat, so ugly..."

"oh really? whatever you say, i'd agree with you."

crappola. why didn't i see it?

why didn't i see that i had to read this particular book that mysteriously appeared on my table back in seattle and i had to ask around for the owner to reclaim what is his or hers but to no avail. I instead brought it back to singapore and found myself starting to read it a few moments ago. it was the very book that could have calmed my senses, brought new meaning and cleared alot of thoughts. but perhaps i hadn't been sensible enough then to appreciate as such... and i must credit God for his excellent timing.

from the way of english one must suspect and be right that i have completed sense and sensibility. before my pursuit of mansfield park by jane austen, i had chanced upon this book i had earlier mentioned: Blue like Jazz by Ronald Miller and said to myself, why ever not?

my wound is still scarcely healing but i can flex my feet a little more than yesterday now.

and the limps are only apparent when i do need to wear things that cling on to the wound and bring forth pain as a result.

i just pray and hope that tomorrow's dancing wouldn't rip the whole feeble scab off and leave my poor feet to do its healing again...

oh and ian can eat his words now. my mom and my cousins actually enjoyed my russell peters jokes... and surprise surprise... i told only at the instigation of my mom... she was rather amused that i could do an 'almost flawless' imitation of someone who is unfortunately, a little dotty and crude.

but the imitation of 'zhng my car' by mr brown was very much appreciated as well... my dad could appreciate it alot. haha... and wen said i am the first girl to truly appreciate the joke in itself. and laugh at it so heartily... :) so he's giving me a ride... (of what and which- details might not be released until much further notice) *wink*

my fifth uncle and two cousins came over to my place to discuss my grandma's memorial service. it's on the day that i have to lead worship for hof... and then i got to 'chiong' back home to prepare myself and get to my uncle's place to set up and all... to play and lead for the service itself. sat before would be occupied by worship prac. though i am glad the morning does bring some breather that i can enjoy with my family...

dance practice (the last of it) would be conducted tomorrow for the actual presentation on easter... it's my third and last practice... i hope it gets better... and wish that the costumes don't look weird on me...

sunday comes and goes i guess...

the sat after the next would be that swimming thing i signed up for... needless anxiety. i know it's just some friendly swimming thing... it's utterly distasteful to worry and to fret but i don't like the idea of losing to aunties in swimming... (sorry to offend anyone)

and then sunday would be the youth outing by hof!

activities... haiz... and soon i would have to return to my books... soon the wonderful holidays would be over... and special term starts... and ends... and more weeks of holidays... before the dreaded departure...

thank God for a sensible mind in him... and a gentleness of spirit... to tell me what i have done wrong and should change to... i almost never saw it coming...

dilemna

little women? good wives? little men? sense and sensibility? mansfield park? Jo's boys?

*grit* dunno which one to start with...

chronicles of narnia?

well reading from marcus' blog... haha i guess the old narnia spirit is still there. i myself have just completed the whole series in like less than 4 days of reading between activities... pride and prejudice was re-read. now at louisa may alcott's eight cousins... going to dig out all my old english books... and start to read...

book worm, nerd and happy to be.

a wide gash at the left foot leaves me limping at every opportunity of walking.

some things don't change...

adelia was right. some things don't change. she hasn't seen me in the past 5 to 6 months and in those months i don't seem to have been altered much. so she said. :)

am still one heck of a talkative creature and nutcase.

went to visit june as she had just lost her mom to heart failure. it didn't make me appreciate life more in some sense... it just confirmed my thoughts about life.

went to lunch (or was it rather linner) with wen and it was fun as always... busyness may take time away from pals but it doesn't the friendship! nor the teasing... though i have gotten in some ways to know how to handle him... *wink* nah... just give in... and strike when he least expects it.

and under shane's influence i guess i would have to read more sociology and business law... to avoid having to read political science. no offense to anyone...

it's only leisure reading!

vcf ft was so nice... had a nice time catching up and spilling the beans about jazz over in the US... haha... and to catch up with people who would be graduating... and everyone else who didn't expect me of course...

so you think you can swim?

well it would gratify my ego to say that i can swim but in reality, i don't think much of my strokes. they aren't consistent enough nor powerful. neither quick nor accurate. so i guess i should say i am just an old baffer who swims to get a tan which is rather impossible because every time i attempt to swim, the sun doesn't want to come out at all.

but i would be taking part in that mini swimming competition again. that grc grassroots family day thing. after all, and why not?

i have nothing that day and i have been swimming lately. so i guess i go for it all in the name of fun.

can't wait for the show tonight at 8 "so you think you can dance?" oh wow. they're all simply fantastic...

was getting andrew to watch it... since he dances so much... haha i think i am positively a bad influence... getting people to watch tv, and getting people like ian to shop...

just am done with the whole series of the chronicles of narnia... been sapped of all energy and focus with those books. wonderfully crafted i would say...

the golf masters was supposed to be exciting... but i am dozing off... sheesh...

politics, beauty and ambitions...

the elections are drawing near and much has been said about the 'new blood', a young breed of stellar ones who would be the future of the country. Thank God for quality leaders. Nothing due to their disgrace but at least even if they do not do their jobs well, they would at least be admired and be role models for the young ones in the country to look up to. academically, at least.

beauty. the pageant that everyone has been dying to have their share of criticisms is done and over. I think that this batch has one of the most witty girls around. I am not appalled at the lack of interest in the competition, given the paltry prizes... so I would presume that they merely joined to prove to singapore that there exist beauty with brains.

ambitions... well thinking back... i think i had the most number of ambitions around... but none of the them would be coming to past for sure... let's see.. mechanical engineer for F1, doctor, lawyer, tai-tai, physicist, lecturer in physics...

*luffs*

what a myriad.

shane and i had a little mini-argument (which is really an exchange of ideas) over what's right and what seems right... I guess we both are tough nuts to crack. but then again... it's interesting how two people who never like to lose arguments come together... :)

yes and amen?

not alluding to that song i sometimes feel that the things i want to do i do not do and the things i do not want to do i do ...

and the words i want to say in situations that never come are crafted so well yet the words i want to say in situations i never expected to be in are rather poorly acquainted with myself.

dance practice went well and i dearly treasured today when everything came into place. and it was the 2nd practice. God has been so merciful to me especially when i entertained thoughts of quitting it all.

music practice was shortened due to 'unforeseen circumstances' and i had a time trying to balance between fighting for our rights to the third floor and being christian-like.

what is being christian-like? i don't know the term and never want to be acquainted with it. it gives me a sense of false humility and pride. i associate it with a very powdered up version of church which is never appealing to anyone but the pastor. and in the case of a hip pastor, there would be none. except people like uriah heep in david copperfield.

who's going to save me now?

so i guess the youth are going to see so much more of me after not seeing me for some time... at the youth service... :)

going to be leading the two worship sessions we have got this month. not too overwhelmed by that though. more so for the easter dance that i am rather compelled by a sense of helplessness otherwise to join, due to the absence of pearl who injured herself. and so now, i have to learn up everything in the span of a week when everyone else had been practising for nearly 4 months now...

:(

and bank of america has been uncontactable for me to wire money for my overdraft charges and such.

this is an insane period in time.

God, i shall not fret.

but i can't help but feel guilty that he can't go to church tonight though he really wanted to due to the fact of his knowledge of the special service at the eleventh hour. but our presence has been confirmed with a friend who's holding her 21st bday party and the presents wrapped and card written... am i to be angsty about his coming with me? or getting him to go to church? there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong now. only what was set at first. he has to learn how to plan. there. hmph.

was a most enlighteningly happy dinner cum sup...

:) thanks edmund!

i love talking to people who are older than me. makes me think older, grow older, and though i tend to forget what it's like to be feeling my age and enjoying things in an ignorant way which i would have experienced had i not been around older people, i much rather the mature and more becoming outlook.

i love eating. and this time, i am not too worried about weight. i wonder why.

maybe i have learnt that i need to eat to live and not live to eat. and that's the reason why it shouldn't become central to my life except to gratify my desires and fulfill my needs.

and exercise should be an enjoyment. a pastime turned habit which happens to be beneficial.

reading should be something i need to do more though. i left a good deal unread as i sought to increase my knowledge through textbooks more than anything else for a long time now...

pride and prejudice.

the most touching and wonderful film i have watched so far... because this book has been my favourite to start with since i was rather young...

it first introduced me into the world of jane austen, of the old english times, of the beautiful language which wasn't plagued with others...

and it taught me how to think, how to react... but now i see the whole book in a different light.

when you have a gem, own it. love it. don't let it go away... what seems like to you may be not. and what doesn't, may be.

my darcy changed.

i won't go changing to try and please me...

cause i realise that even with my knowing the most about myself other than God, i can't please myself...

got the job to do and it's a stay home job which is technically good cause i can do everything in my own timing, but it's bad cause i don't know how to guage my time from there...

woke up late today though as with yesterday morning... and then i rushed to school in my dad's car thankfully... and got there only to meet alot of bizad people again and didn't get to see those i would have like to as well...

and then me and drew went for lunch! was fun but darn fattening... nydc and breko... sheesh drew, now you would have to play tennis with me as a punishment for making me eat all that!

but i think listening to my crap was much worse.

k box

oh what a night of singing: a gratification to my ego despite it's possibility of not being the best thing for me right now...

went out for a movie date but the movies and everything else left me cold...

tried not munching all the time but the lack of temptation eludes me... i just can't resist!

happy birthday joel!

and thanks for talking me through things.. though you are wise to tell me to make my own decisions...

and met a few secondary school people today... seems like i came from another world. or have been somewhere else for far too long.. like where i am and the friends i have are my sort of people to hang out with when there really shouldn't be a sort to hang out with... oh well... would that be wrong?