this week has been... weird in a nice way... ha...

well... how do I start it all? I haven't been blogging since I have been rather active on msn, chatting with all my friends... and yes it has been a great experience although I should think it extremely silly of me to think that the exams would be very easy this time around... and thus am not embarking on any studying plan as yet. but i guess you can't blame me, i have still got so much work left to do and submit... my mind's all there and not here... it could be that the stats and calculus aren't taking a toil since I have learnt it all before... have been reading up economics consistently so far... programming's open booked and i have yet to complete that assignment which I am starting to get a little worried about, and mno's report's out... but the presentation still leaves much to be desired... I can't believe wen submitted a huge chunk of papers and that was his report... God, mine's only like... er .. 10 pages long? AND... to top it all up, am working furiously away on my global paper... which is due on monday, but I have to finish it by sat... since I would be out the whole day on sunday... ha... this is after i have completed about 10 work assignments already... sheesh.... this sem's a little tough huh? :)

ruiyi's starting on his 9 to 9 studying schedule... me? ha... none whatsoever... I know I'm not brilliant enough to rush through it all and score well... God bless my soul and mind... and I know I need more time to study... and so... well... i should be starting really soon... like maybe the minute i finish with the essay... ah, God, you know very well that without bce, i would have been finished with all that... I'm usually never a late-timer... you know that.. I'm not asking for your blessings as such... but I'm asking for your mercy on me... please? I need you to help me pull up my cap... honestly... seriously.... :(

tremors... I felt it... and I felt like crying...

crying? no, I'm not afraid about dying... I was just so shocked... that life could be taken away so easily... the fragility of life... is something so many of us don't understand... am I ready to tell God, yeah, take me... I'm ready? have I been making wise decisions in life? or taking life too easily???

God... thank you for this wake-up call... I really needed that... I needed that to revaluate my life...

and to think I was 'good enough going' when talking to some of my vcf friends about so many issues in life...studies... relationships... parents... siblings...

I realised how much I love my family... and treasure my friends... and how material things are nothing but things... I don't need to be happy with...

God... I finally see... you're God... my God... my everything.... nothing means anything anymore...

how do u solve a problem like * * ???

this isn't meant to be a copy of Joel Pan's recent entry... just had the inspiration after watching "the sound of music"... and yes I have been listening to sappy love songs as well as usher... whilst doing my work... conscientiously being interrupted by the msn messages and yakking over the phone listening to the wails of my dear friends... sigh... I'm pretty upset by it all as well...

and feeling like a dinosaur myself... been talking to dinosaurs and soon-to-be-dinosaurs-people and enjoying every conversation with them... they take me away from the toil of it all and I immersed myself in the joys of being in university...

how do you solve problems like love? I've been talking to many of my christian friends... and yes the perrenial topic hasn't found itself a solution... but I believe in God's sovereignty... I believe in his timing... I trust in praying for his plan and will to unfold... I pray for a good blend of wisdom and feelings to be able to choose well... I pray for the opportunities... and that I wouldn't miss them for the world... enough solutions to that all? I hope so... :0)

and meanwhile... treasure every moment and friendship I find in uni... it's something short and fleeting... I need to get hold of it... fast...

flaunt the radiance of God within u... :)

that, I feel, is the only way to go about the christian life... flaunting the radiance of God being within you and learning to become more like him... and less of ourselves...

I'm on the sprees of packing my room to save everyone else's sanity and saving the environment by using recycled paper to print... all those lecture notes... haha

and yes I need to be sane... got more papers to write.. presentations to come... and in the midst of writing so much stuff for the project work as well... :)

Just some songs I would like to share in the midst of all these...

just when I feel like I've understood it all... and being deserving... God brings me down again... and again... today's easties' supper was good... but it made me realise who I wasn't any longer...

We've nothing to boast of

I've been trying to dictate my life, my goals, successes
I've been trying to use my talents for my glory

But I realise my life's control is out of my reach
It seems my life just isn't my own
It seems I've nothing to boast of

Chorus:
We've nothing to boast of
All earthly treasures fade in the sight of you
We've nothing to boast of
What we have we cannot call our own
(*2)

I once thought that life was all about the booze and fooze
Perpectual toils on myself, I'd see time well used

Chorus

Bridge:
Who would love a broken person like me?
Who's grace would touch this heart inside?
Who's joy can fill my short-comings?
What's faith that brings me new tomorrows?

Words and Lyrics By Sophia Goh

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How marvellous, how wondrous...

A seed comes from the wilted
Just like the way my salvation came from suffering
A rose stands in the desert
Just like the spring of life you bring to parched earth

Oh, I can't imagine
Oh, I can't help thinking

How marvellous are your ways
So infinite and my days
Are carefully willed in the power of your love
How wonderous is your grace
That receives me and this race
Is one that I commit to you Lord!

Words and Lyrics By Sophia Goh

why... I have been on binges...

sigh... count since morning... one oreo cheesecake... three del montes... one almond pie... one chee kway... and one fun kway... how's that for much? oh no... and this week I hardly had any exercise... sheesh... no this shouldn't be... I have got to stop enjoying when I haven't worked it...

but but... later's supper... with sending pearl off and tomorrow's the easties supper... oh no...

shoot... how?

it was so so good... I loved every moment of it...

from the prayers behind the curtain to the dancing and the singing... from the friendly banter to the occasional his and byes... from the acquiantance to the bonded friendship... from the cheers of the audience to our whooping at the last curtain's close... from our stress to our sense of loss...

this musical has been everything that I could have asked for... a time of friendship, a time out with God... a time of learning and the sharing of lives... a time to hear pretty corny pick-up lines and jokes... and a time to reflect on eternity... there's so much we want to say but can't... who knows and understand what we have been going through in the last two months or so? it was like a long boot camp... where camps bring people together... and people to God...

I love the songs, I love the lyrics... it's just swirling around in my head right now... I still can imagine the heavily-made-up faces of ours... mascara... and liners... and fake eyelashes... :) the gathering to pray... the gathering to share... to take the few pictures that would suppose to be the lingering of memories... sigh... how can pictures ever express what we have been going through???

we laughed... we cried. the last debrief was yesterday... but you know what? it's not ending... it's going to be happening... we have got to get our act together... the exams are here in no time at all... but we'll be having a gathering soon... and even sooner for the easties... ha... I'll be the organizer... of course... josh told me to make use of some business admin skills here... not that it applies to finance...

and yes... the toil of it all taught me something... we need not to rely on the human factors to find our fulfillment... God alone can... even when it seems dire... he can turn the tides and move the mountains... just believe... and see the miracles... God... help me to see the miracles... I need to...

the east asian conference... hmmm... the job application... hmmm... somehow I'm not that keen on the job anymore... was sharing with marcus how I have been toiling and trying to gun for the cca points... and building of the cv... but in whatever I do, I have lost heart... because I realise something greater... a forever... and I need to work towards eternity... and not build up my quiant little life here... it's not about me... as if God should so things my way... he alone is God and I surrender... to his ways...

once again... God... you showed yourself strong... and real to me... I lean on you in my everything... I need you... show me... show me... show me.

Jesus, lover of my soul
all consuming fire is in your gaze
Jesus, i want you to know
I would follow you all of my days

and no one else in history is like you
and history itself belongs to you
alpha and omega you have loved me
and I would share eternity with you

it's all about you, Jesus
and all these is for you
for your name and for your fame
it's not about me
as if you should do things my way
you alone are God and I surrender...
to your ways...

God... I'm crying out for our parting... a time of being together for practices... yet again... I know that it has been a success because of our feeling this way... may we keep you close to our heart always... keep the message in our minds... always... and continue to love each other always... it's not ending... it's not...

seems whenever I want to let it go... it comes back to haunt..

oh well haunt in a good way anyway... so it shan't be ignored nor taken too seriously.. life's short and youth is fleeting... I like the way my life is going now... :) so much to see and do and so little time... ha... thank God the full dress was good albeit us not even going through for an entire run through... wow to God for that.. although I did make a couple of bloopers... sigh... got to get rid of them...

thank God for friends I have made along the way as well... :) thank God there's vcf... the musical.. the friends I met in there... ha... and today's the day!!! so many of my friends would be coming to watch... no I'm not concerned about whether they can see me or not... more concerned about whether they would be touched by the spirit and the message or not...

la.. got to go sleep now... ruiyi's parents are sending me there too... got to wake up early... ciao...

How do you fix a broken heart?

As a result of listening to too many sappy songs at the science canteen... I have acquired a rather obscure interest in listening to these songs to remind me why I'm not in it.... hahaha... Weird way of doing things huh? Nay I'm not trying to be living in denial... I seriously don't see the point right now... Thank God... I prayed about it... And I seriously made up my mind to just serve him for now... I know it'll come when it comes...

of course there'll be struggles along the way... Which I can't see at the moment... But suppose it comes knocking on my door tomorrow morning? I'll just smile saccharine sweet... :)

just finished with my calculus test!!! okies... so I don't really have any opinion about it but me and cheryl did walk out of the lecture theatre like into half time... making us seem like real math geniuses... the truth can't be further I guess...we didn't see the point of staying in there when we couldn't remember alot of stuff I guess... hahaha...

the oil... the horrors...

I was eating some muslim food just now and i had a shock of my life when I eventually looked at what I was eating rather than looking elsewhere at my notes... etc... it contained so much oil!!! I almost fainted in mock indignation... I thought there was this eat-healthy campaign or something!!! and I ate almost all vegetables... ok... so with a little mutton... but the oil came from one of the tofu dishes....

la la la... rather than lament... perhaps I should think of a way to expel out the oil... perhaps it's too late... anyway... once bitten twice shy... I shan't be eating those disgusting stuff anymore...

my calculus test's later... and man am I a little gittery about it all... I don't know if I have prepared enough whilst looking into past year papers and not even so much as touch my tutorials... because I have always thought that the real exams are always different from the silly tutorials meant to "stimulate" your mind...

as I had in Temasek... but at least I appreciate the math concepts right now... albeit it being more difficult than not... alot of the stuff taught are actually year three stuff... and yes they are tested...

yes... I'm getting back being me again... had enough sleep... am starting to get mean... or perhaps I may be more harmless and congenial when I'm actually sleepy and tired... but I tend to get out of control then... somewhat likened to a nice drunk man... but you do want to know about his real character after the night's over right? :)

God, please help me with my calculus test... and ALL the assignments after which as well please... *pathetic look*

if bananas could kill...

when I ate a banana just now I was so inclined to laugh out aloud... and make everyone around me think bonkers of myself... ah yes... but the point of it all it... that yesterday whilst we were passing some food around during the rehearsal... I held on to a bunch of del monte bananas... and let me tell you, they were huge... nevertheless ruiyi asked me to throw some to him... over like... five metres away? and in between were about 5 people... so I reluctantly did... whilst trying to be as accurate as possible and fearing the worse if it really did hit someone (Ian to be exact)... and so I did... it sailed right into his hands and just when the bunch of bananas was approaching ruiyi, ian stuck out his head, I hadn't the time to scream for him to move away because for that split second I thought to myself that perhaps it'll only make the banana smash right into his face... so I said nothing... thank God he saw it whilst it was on its journey (in the air) (with me jaw- opened...) and simply 'siamed' away with a loud exclamation... we were all so giggly by then... and he gave me the "you want to kill me with a banana is it?" look... thank God he's a sports person... explains his fast reaction... :)

so I apologised of course... "hey... I'm so sorry I almost killed you with that boomerang banana"... he was like... "ya la! you ah... wha I was lucky man..." so we discussed how the banana could be a replica of a boomerang... *big grin* thank God he ain't angry at me... ahahhahahaha

oh the wonderful cross!

when I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince Of Glory died
my richess gain I count but loss
and pour contempt on all my pride

forbid it Lord that I should boast
save in the death of Christ my Lord
all the vain things that charm me most
i sacrifice them to His blood

Were the whole realm of nature mine
that were an offering far too small
love so amazing, so divine
demands my soul, my life, my all

oh the wonderful cross!
oh the wonderful cross!
bids me come and die and find that i may truly live

oh the wonderful cross!
oh the wonderful cross!
all who gather here by grace draw near and bless your name...

both good friday and easter are coming... have you wondered about the wonderful cross? :)

Blogs... a wonderful invention...

It was my maiden trip to go around people's blogs in the midst of studying for my calculus exam of which I haven't really touched (and this is so unlike me). anyway... I've been putting up comments of encouragement every here and there... guess it brings to people's attention that you actually read their blogs, are interested in their lives, and emphathize with them... now I realise the potence of having a blog network system... :)

and I have learnt so much from the honest inputs of my friends (particularly those from the vcf musical since I had all the links to their blogs through our falling, spinning blog) and perhaps maybe the blog isn't just about writing about ourselves and nothing else... it's about sharing, learning, and encouraging... how something a little secular in outlook can become a tool in the hands of a christian huh? but similarly... we tend to lament in our blogs and forget to commit the whole series of events in our lives to our Lord Jesus... that's a real danger...

Humility: not thinking less of ourselves but thinking of ourselves less... (taken from the book The Purpose Driven Life and I was reminded of it by desmond during cell on friday...

perhaps when we've learnt true humility... then would we realise the true meaning of life... to live like our Lord Jesus... and simply to follow him... all the days of our lives...

and yes, it's all about him, his people and his message... stephen brought forth a very cutting yet gentle message of this... just yesterday... how much of what we do is unto God? and how much do we sacrifice? everything? or it's simply sacrilege? (a leftover... something which costs us nothing?) everyone has a pride... which once laid down... turns our insecurities into molding tools... turning us from mere clay into someone useful... though broken in everyway, but glorifying the Lord everyday...

it's going to be a blast!!!

I'm suddenly but surely excited about life... everything... I mean... coming back from cell... and being tired and drained out and empty... what could make it better? but chatted with a few of my friends over msn and it was fun...

God, thanks for showing me you're in control... and you know my every whimper and need... you know my inside and out... you know my struggles and you send people to speak to me... and share with me about life... and what I need to hear and know...

I should no longer live in sorrow and anguish... nor defeat nor in shame... you took those away... and made me whole again... no more condemnation in the minds of the human... I'm perfect in the sight of a supernatural... :)

unfreezing, changing, and refreezing...

well that pretty much sums up what I have to say about my life right now... perhaps some things have to be unfrozen, changed and to be refroze once more... it's always a delicate balance between both I feel... and the question: which to take into account? and when and where for each? tough decisions... which makes life not so much just a race... against the work you have piled up to do but also, against yourself... your issues... your relationships... your thoughts... your mind...

ok so that's another MNO gem of wisdom... although I did hear of my professor in sociology class speaking about it as well... it was first started by a man named Lewin... brilliant guy who knows how to relate the events in life to his life... which is something I really yearn to have... it would make life a tad easier... well-thought-out... but then again... perhaps knowing less can be a blessing as well... after all... knowing more about the sufferings in life... seems to suck life out of us...

and my programming test results are coming out later... I know that i have done badly already... but the thing is... it's never really confirmed how you've done until you have gotten the script right in your hands... my lecturer said that alot of people did very well... I was heard by myself muttering a "S***"...

oh well... if possible... God, you can make and turn the whole thing right side up once again... perhaps I just needed some motivation to study hard for my end year exams... and this is it...

perhaps... it is... perhaps we'll never know the day after tomorrow... who knows what tomorrow brings? perhaps we should just try our best and never seek to reprimand ourselves for this and that... perhaps that pushes us more backwards rather than forward?

a critical mind... used to seek out the wrong in the process... should never be used to condemn the person...

perhaps it's the toil of it all...

that's morphing me into a zombie like person who's really expressionless in doing whatever I have got to do... do not feel like myself one bit... I just ate a whole package of cookies... the pepperidge farm ones... very very nice... and the bag's really really big... ha...

and I haven't been exercising... and dance practices have been a blur... am always so tired by the time the practices start...

I think I should try to force myself out of this shell... it isn't a good thing...

and my calculus test is on monday and I haven't so much as tried to study any good for it... am starting to get worried because sat's the bce practice and church rehearsals... ok so I can burn the midnight oil and do it at night... and then the half of sunday to do it as well... and then... monday's the test... sheesh... what's the point of it all?

God... I'm comatose and helpless... please revive me?

and grant me the strength and perserverence to go on, fight on strong... let every effort that I put in be a sacrifice to you... do not lead me where you will not go with me or prepare the way for me... help me to do my best for you and to be aware, yet let you be in control of the frivolities in life...

and grant me good friends along the way to support me hand in hand... it's going to be a long long month... and the term paper and two projects and 2 assignments are pending... looming... actually...

life's a bizarre bazaar... *to smile or not to smile? that's the question*

oh btw... "cranium" the game... is fun... I intend to buy one after working for some time... works the brain yet doesn't take out the joy in working the brain... I'm better at the acting one along with the facts part... ahaha... we played it at vcf cell in sde last tuesday...

ok so maybe you don't want me to go?

I've been trying to apply for some overseas work attachment thingy... sounds interesting... you get to work and travel at the same time. I have two friends who are going for it... one's going to work in yellowstone national park and another in new jersey... cool huh? but I haven't been able to get the application going for myself... don't know what is wrong with my application.. maybe I'll try again tonight... oh well... maybe tomorrow night then... after all, if it's God's will for me to go, Ill go eventually... but if not, then perhaps not I guess...

anyway, there's still the sep program... ha...

I had better check with that as well... starting to get worried... just sent an email...

la... what's there to be worried about? there are lots of opportunities out there for me to enjoy... slowly take it in... don't get caught up in the rat race.... I'm trying to remind myself...

practice practice practice... bce's coming up in a week... can you imagine that? we've all come so far...

do lend us your support... we need it tremendously... ")

my life right now? harried...

I think it gets a bit frustrating...

papers, exams, papers, exams... presentations... galore... some more to come and so much more needs to go...

keep staying sane... keep staying sane.... that's the only way to go... don't give up, don't give in... don't give in to serious pms-symptoms even when you're asked the most irrelevant questions because you still need to be a good friend and excellent daughter cum sister...

life goes on... soon it'll be over... more actitivies coming up...

I'm drained...

do you know how difficult it is to set it back?

once a habit kicks in, it's rather difficult to set it right, back to what it should be.... moping, stressing, gorging, believing in something not quite right... whatever it is... it's quite amazing how u never did once check on your control of these variables and once they go a little haywired, you'd say you're still in control... and then again, once everything starts going wrong, you live in this trance that everything's still right...

which is precisely what I'm in right now... am a little stoned... my thoughts are flowing freely but none of it is trickling out... through actual words spoken... through songs and in writing yes, but I guess that's just my introverted feeling part at work...

and yes, thanks for teaching me a very valuable lesson wen... love is the thing that takes all pride away... you cannot say you love the Lord unless you are willing to sacrifice your pride for it... similarly, you cannot say you like a person unless you're willing to put that person way above your pride issues...

set it back? I think I could just try...

oh, I forgot to comment about the da vinci code seminar thingy...

decoding the da vinci code... the speaker was rather personal in his attacks against dan brown, which I felt, lent less credibility to his speech... it was plainly all rebuttals and no allowance for dan brown's book... and it's claims... which makes it all the more laughable since dan brown himself, in his website, said that everything he wrote was pure fiction...

don't get me wrong... I support the counter-claims... it's just the delivery... quite disturbing...

so I'm stating my stand... that perhaps objectivity and not subjectivity is the way to convince a crowd... we live amongst people who are thinking, picking up their learning from everywhere... you cannot simply expect, whether or not the person is a newly graduated 'o' level student or an executive with 30 years of experience, to simply swallow whatever you would say... we challenge, we learn... in a globalised world where technology aids in our "rampant" and rapid learning... are all sources to be discredited by others?

and who knows what's right and what isn't?

is the Bible even real?

you've got to know it for yourself... if your answer to the last question was that you're not sure... I don't blame you, nor judge you... we all have lapses in time where we feel so insecure about our faith, simply because we are not scholars like those in the olden times... nor we have degrees in theology... we seem to always just rely on whatever our pastors tell us... that should be true, isn't it? but is it?

you've got to know it for yourself!

the key is: your experiences with God, the Holy Spirit within you, and the Bible... do they all correspond? for me, they do... that's the reason why I'm quite darn sure...

go for it yourselves!!!!

oh yar... just wrote another song... haha... the tune's not confirmed yet... but I feel that my songs are so cliche... seems I can only write when either very relaxed... or very stressed... and upset to boot... :)

surely there must be something more, than cheap slippers priced at four?

surely there must be something more than the mundane activities we're in all the time? and surely there must be something more than merely vying for the very best results and the best positions all the time? I wrote a long letter to... erm... God? I just had to write... pouring out all my disagreements about life... about my indifference to certain issues... about my anxious heart towards others... and about life... just all about life... and then when I read readers' digest the other day... it said... that women who wrote about their depressions tend not to have break downs and are healthier mentally, emotionally, and physically...

thank God I don't write to no one but him...

I'm sick and tired of certain issues in my life right now... so I'm taking a huge needed break... and concentrating on the musical and my projects for the next two weeks of my life... don't ask me to go out, don't ask me to talk... wouldn't have the time to... wouldn't be in the mind to... (although some solace can be sought in you guys out there) *the word here is solace, not going out for some enjoyment* *can't afford to*

Thank God for friends like you, wen and adelia... you make life all so nice and warm... you guys hear me out... listen to me and support whatever I do without imposing your views on me... I need that so much right now...

my left calf hurts alot...

and i don't know the reason... maybe it is over exertion... but logically speaking, with the amount of exercise I'm doing this week? can't be... under-usage may be a little more believable... and yes... so I shall play tennis tomorrow then... haha... thank God that it isn't cancelled... I can still play and have fun... all the same... and add that as a form of celebration to my finishing of two tests and an assignment this week!

and yes, so what if there's more to come? I just had my stats meeting after my math lecture and it was a really good time of discussion... hilarious is the word... we'll be doing a project on a rather pertinent but hardly-raved-about topic... the toilets...

*grin* this should be interesting... at least... that's what I think... ")

and suppose that I had better get to really living up to others' expectations of myself and stop being the slacker that I was last sem and all through my education in singapore from the time I was in primary school... hopefully God'll grant me the victory over my laziness this sem as I have been trying and not giving in to certain pleasures and outings...

it's good knowing people think that highly of you though! speaks alot about the first impression you present to others... which is what I should be banking on in the job interviews then... haha... now I remember joking with adelia once that if I ever went for a scholarship interview, I would clinch it without their looking at my results before all that... *laugh*

and am still in school waiting for my dad... told you I had a meeting...

and my infatuation with preserved fruits is petrifying... I know it's bad... I know it ain't good... but it tastes so divine... what am I to do? *frown* *thinking hard*

came up with a whole list of issues to start on in writing for my first writing assignment! (if you followed what I was talking about yesterday)

and yes, tomorrow would be going for the decoding the da vinci code seminar... this should be interesting and mind-boggling... I'll be paying to get my brain reconstructed to become more astute if possible... 10 bucks!

la... and the sudden release in stress just isn't working too well... but I should use it in all my capacity to capitalise on it... and start working!!! I know I should... but the spirit is willing and the body's weak... as always... use the cognitive method girl... go go go...

need some yoko yoko now... (it's a muscle cream btw...)

life's beautiful... albeit the injury... it's one of those firsts... I had an ankle and knee problem in running too much before... and now... the calf... sigh...

I desperately need to turn frugivorous, stop foraging and start being truly diurnal...

in human speech... this basically means that I have to start eating fruits for a living, stop keeping a lookout for food and start to stop being sleepy midday when I'm a diurnal creature? You'd wonder... whether God means for us to be noctural... like some of us are... I'm like... half... of each? I mean, there was day and there was night... but he didn't say nothing about there was day, so get up, there was night, so sleep?

okok... I'm starting to get all rhetorical...

a friend of mine from archi (yes, daniel, that's you if you're reading this... :)) approached me to 'write tabloids'!!! for what? a christian magazine... haha... okok... so it ain't really tabloids but just some issues to think about and which make people think out of the box, for once... and start on critical thinking... issues like... hm... I'll leave it to you to read the newsletter... hopefully... when I'm done with establishing that segment... it'll be a ball?!? and you guys would be scrambling for it... heh...

do keep a lookout...

and I think I had better go for more mno lectures... seems like the videos they show are quite amusing and keeps me on my toes for coming up with more junk to clutter this blog up with... :) ok, so interestingly, it could be called an inspiration...

and prog test's tomorrow...

and was switching to thinking mode for a while and felt that whatever wen told me just now was rather true...

suppose I'd just share some non-personal, general statements...

1) one never knows what he or she wants... e.g. you'd want to have a tall and hunky bf but eventually end up with a nerdy (not that nerdy isn't good) and erm, scrawny one? (okok, just an example, don't mow me down due to your liking for slim-types)

2) people are so used to their 1st impression of people that they forget to update their memos...

3) be aggressive, because you might just keep on dwelling in not trying something you wanted to try...

4) much as you'd like to be nice to someone and readily form a positive impression of that someone, there's always much you don't know... so leave that open...

alright... so where does all these lead to? I suppose that's more feeder for my thoughts to write up something... really 'steamy'? *laugh*

ah... something else to note... GOD NEVER MENTIONED ABOUT SPORTY GIRLS IN THE BIBLE ANYWHERE... so why do we rever them so much? why is it sometimes a condition even, in choosing your gf? (just a question and not putting anyone down... cause if I was, I'd be self-attacking...) and another thing... I'm not talking to the non sporty guys who know nuts about sports... thanks... *don't feel offended!*

*I'm just practising the gift of giving objective opinions*

if you have a view about something... don't mince it...

don't mince it and later blame someone else for your not saying something you feel strongly about... when it's too late... decisions have been made.... and you feel exasperated not leaving it all on someone else's shoulders...

went out with my mom just now... was supposed to be rather happy getting together and having fun talking and stuff... I just happened to want to buy a watch at a sale... and she said ok... so that amounts to agreement doesn't it? and then when we went off she started commenting on my spending and I got so exasperated... I mean... I spend, sure... but I save too... and if my siblings think that I spend too much... get themselves to save and mince those words then... and... it's my allowance!!! she said it was the same... spending my allowance or her money would be amount to be the same... hey wait a minute... isn't an allowance an allowance? literally? if she ain't happy... there's tuition jobs for me to take and earn the money there alright...

and here I am in century square's latest food court... in the internet kiosk... voicing my disagreements and resentment...

thought it would be a good day... guess I'm wrong... for a good half of it.... why I was just having lunch with jianwen just and we had a lot of fun...

ok... calm down... no one has the right to spoil your day except yourself... I'm not mincing it... definitely... :)

I've done like... Three sleepless nights of code...

I dare not even count the woman-hours I have invested in my programming... Because it's so horrifying I don't even dream of knowing....

yes I have been sleepless in Singapore... Doing my code into the wee hours of the morning and not having my dose of exercise... And oh to boot? Gorging and more gorging on what I can lay my hands on... Horrendous...

BUT... I'm not exactly lamenting... I'm just stating the facts...

I thank God for the people he has sent to me to help me in my code and to give me moral support! Ha... Thank God that I'll be able to go for vcf cell group later... Was intending not to until I have completed my code...

and yes.. Next up... Programming test... Wonder what it would encompass... Probably really hard....

and going to do the interview for my mno project this coming Friday... Presenting for econs tutorial next week and got to start on my global paper as well as the calculus mid term test... Very very crucial... And got to start on the report for my MN project as well... Not to forget... Prog's having one more assignment... 15%!!!!! and this was 5%... SHEESH... wait... one more thing I forgot... stats project... oh no!!!!!

and yes... I look forward to new beginnings every day... have to... not exactly a choice... after all... the road ahead seems so tumultuous I daren't think... I just go ahead and do my best...

stats test was ok... just realised that my code's all wrong...

my torrid affair with programming is seriously trying... it's been trying to get on my nerves but I won't let it... the stats test is over and it was easy... thank God... but that means everyone else would be getting good marks as well... oh well... :)

my friend told me that the prog code I did was all wrong and I did one more just last night... tiring... but I think that drinking the ginseng that we bought from korea the other time helps and works very well... I feel more alert and energised...

and guess what? muddleheaded me sent the first code to my friends for vetting... not the other one... sheesh... now got to get home to send it once again...

and study for my prog test this coming thursday...

and woke up without going to the gym today... feeling superbly guilty but I guess i'll hit it later... in the evening... that is... if I have the time to... most probably not... sigh...

and there's a conference going on in sbc this coming friday on "decoding the da vinci code"... oh no.. long days ahead again... hah...

so that means no tennis on friday... one less workout day... oh well... sophie sophie sophie... you can't always have your cake and eat it too...

Do you dare to hope?

well I'll have to say that although hoping seems like such a pleasant thing to do... it sometimes takes us somewhere else... whether or not we should remain in that phase... is up to us... and we have to make wise decisions about these things... nothing's fixed... there may be no strict rights or wrongs... which makes it ambiguous and a little harder to manage... so do we hope or not? I believe we just have to look to God and hope in him and not in the things of these world...

Thank God that a few friends of mine have been helping me with my programming assignment... seriously... whether or not I'll be able to finish it somehow doesn't seem to bother me that much anymore... I just try my best... I'm sure some marks would be given, given that I'm quite right logically... and I feel so loved by God that he sent people to me to help... can't ask for more...

after all... become all grouchy and nuts over a 5% assignment? why, there's so much more to life... (haha... now that I'm able to say this... I'm usually so uptight about everything... everything should be perfect etc...)

but things have changed... and I don't suppose I'll ever be the same again...

spoke to mark just now... we had a good chat... it's been some time since I left the road to smell the roses and to enjoy life... have chats with friends over sundaes... (thanks pal!) and erm... (oh shucks... get fat???) okok... so it was just last week...

hope? yes... I dare to... do you?

there can be miracles, when u believe...

you never know or can second-guess what the Lord's planning to do in your life... I prayed for miracles to happen in my life even as I commit my life into his good hands... and commit I say again, it is not something passe... it's something ongoing, continuous, happening... and keeps you growing in the faith...

I sent in my application for the sep last sem when it stated I was ineligible to sign up for it... which meant I had to wait till next sem to sign up for it... and everyone knows how difficult it is to get into the uni you want to get into... because well... it's tough? the one you want, many someone elses would want too... and places are very very limited... but I got it... I don't know how... but I got it... year one, no cca records... failed a module... still got it...

which is a huge relief off my chest! I now no longer have to be subjected to torture and torment by my studies and can safety just enjoy and do my best in everything I do...

and... secondly... I have always wanted to do honours... but my business cut off was 4.0... it dropped to 3.5 just... I'm eligible for it... of course I'll try my best to attain the second upper... who doesn't? but if I don't... I just don't... I still get to enjoy my life in uni...

you see... when you commit all your plans to the Lord... they will succeed... and I was just feeling very lost yesterday... yet I asked for the Lord to show me his glory and miraculous ways... he did... he just did... :)

for now...yet but in one more area Lord... one more for now... would you show me the way? :) I'm not pushing for answers or happenings... I just want your good and perfect will in my life...

hiccups...

that's what you get when you secretly munch on homemade cakes late in the night and chocolates alike... am feeling very uncomfortable now... hic hic hic!

and I went to the mno lecture eventually today... was good... the video we watched was on the "Abilene Syndrome"... it basically means that... everyone agrees on disagreeing... yet it is unspoken and everyone still therefore assumes everyone else agrees on agreeing and because of peer pressure and not wanting to be seen as an outcast... agrees.... to agree

and it reminded me of my studies... like... who loves to study? we all hate it... we all agree on that... but who dares to go against the system? even though we know we have been exploited (somewhat in some ways) and the "c" students are those entrepreneurs... earning big bucks everywhere and all around... we simply do not dare take any action that we agree on... because we fear the consequences would be too harsh a reality?

dinos ended late today... and yes... speaking about late I've got to complete my prog assignment asap... this weekend... God help me... and then I'll have to study for prog like crazy once that's done with... been studying my stats now...

because silly me had booked a ticket to go watch romeo and juliet with the rest of the bce cast... shortsighted me didn't think it would be that hard a week to go through... well actually... it was supposed to be initially... since the prog assignment was supposed to have been handed out to us much earlier and we finish it much earlier as such... but oh no... he had to have it now...

tennis was bleary just now... my contacts kept shifting around... and yes... all the hard work put into it... gone with a few seconds of munching... ha... but oh well... then again.... this is life... enjoy it while it lasts...

I'm reminded of how God had been there for me this week when I decided... at the spur of the moment to take the bus "10" all the way from kent ridge to tampines... it was a very enjoyable time for me... albeit it taking an hour and a half... a very refreshing way to spend some time.... which would otherwise have been boring...

and oh yes... why... I have been talking to alot of my vcf or christian friends about life and all... suppose God has placed them into my life for this particularly tough week? emotionally... actually... physically i'm drained too... but the fight must go on...

for once... just let me be me...

I don't know... but I just want to lament and lament and I don't know for sure if lamentations are a subset of Sophia but it's been hard... the assignments and all that exam stuff... the play coming up this week which I would be watching... my commitments... God... I feel like I'm drowning...

ya da ya da... so I'm supposed to be more complying... more accepting... bite in all my pain and sufferings... ??? like the typical singaporean... sheeesh... why you could even hear a pin drop during the sharing session in my globalisation class yesterday... except my nepalese and vietnamese friends...

oh why? why must we feel the way we do? why must happenings try to dictate our life and mash us into nothingness??? no, I must try to dictate my life... oh wait... that's God dictating our lives... correction...

and yes I'm eating to curb the stress... hold it... that doesn't sound very very convincing? curb the stress? since when have truckloads of food and calories have that kind of an effect? but oh well... it feels good anyway... ha...

should i or should I not? pgp sounds very very tempting...

and yes... I wouldn't have to care about going here and there everyday then... and studying would be a breeze... would it?

corny or not, nerdy or not, I'll still hang out with you...

as long as I'm convicted there's something worth keeping and hanging onto... you'll see this stubborn girl hanging on to every friendship coming her way...

and yes was just sharing with Cheryl all about how I feel about stuff and all... and i'll have to say... we both agree it's so much easier to talk to people who already have certain common frame of reference with us... not people who know nuts and we have to explain everything in detail... (tiring and boring) especially for people who are really 'slow' and 'narrow-minded' about things... not implying... trust me...

and we constantly have to deal with ourselves...

and I find myself listening alot more now these few days and sharing with my friends things I treasure close to my heart... it's been really enriching... it's like I've passed a certain point in my life... and I'm starting to 'kai qiao'...

thanks God.. for showing me the ropes... opening my eyes... giving me good friends all around... :)

Can I say you're magnificent and wonderful?

God... thanks for giving me the tranport home in the form of min zhi's dad's car... and as well as for the practice not to end so late... and yes... thanks for giving me an enjoyable time in the cell group... and helping me to learn so much more... and learning about being real and not having the facade no longer... because you know what? I'm sick and tired of trying propriety all the time.... I need to be myself... and not being myself keeps me in a pressure cooker... I don't wish to hold anything within much any longer... it'll only serve to be a timebomb... waiting to ignite...

and so I shall be brash and unchecked at times... this is me... and manage to yet be balanced in being checked and controlled... as and when I have to... it's the whole idea of balance... and tellingly... it takes time... especially for me to learn to show others the side of me not normally shown and saying the truth that I'd rather not expose in the past... after all... we've got to be real, don't we?

I'll keep on walking his way... his magnificent grace is more than enough for me to contain... I wonder at my inadequacies...