lost and hungry with sudden diet cravings... but warm inside...

ha... seems like all's coming to naught when I have my hunger pangs and I start to eat rubbish literally... all the bread and chapati combined would never make up the utility I would have gotten not eating it at all... foolish thing to have done, and hopefully, never a foolish thing will I do again...

warm inside... since life's so full of surprises... nice ones... not the unkind ones... although yes, it's been days of those s*** as well but it needn't come to haunt you for all it's worth...

and confused as to what to do with my life now... so bleary these days when everything seems to be turning upside down and inside out... I need some orientation... or else... I daren't think of the consequences... it might mean... so much more than an understatement to disaster... I mean it!

I need to study!!! Sigh!!! I feel like a prodigal daughter trying to get into my nerd institution (once again) and begging the headmistress to let me in the doors... hopefully, she smiles as she welcomes me back, the way the story ends in the Bible... ;P

I hate the way things are going now...

I'm having hunger pangs when I've just had my meals... I'm getting grouchy at the wrong times (assuming any time is a wrong time)... I'm getting terribly forgetful... the homework's piling up... the readings not done yet... and french not yet studied for... and promises made to outings still somewhat like a liability now that I agreed to it... (not that it's anyone's fault... it's mine... poor planning) and my students need more tuition sessions with me... sigh... I need help.... real quick...

well, tomorrow got to start getting things done with... homework to be done up... in the morning... hopefully... and then go get the studying undergoing... then lunch with family... then dinner with a friend...

what a weekend...

how come I'm not enjoying it? maybe I need time to myself again... and i need it real bad... to think through what I need to, and do what I need to... get myself organised once more...

of cripy coincidences and a manificent discovery!

my cousin actually came across my blog during his research on blogs! and I was just like talking to him and thereafter mentioning him in my blog... about a particular topic... (hee hee)

and a magnificent discovery attributed to the inquisitive mind of mine... I'm going to start exercising more regularly from now onwards... after all, wanting to be in the fit state of mind and body requires some working out... and I'm going to do just that... cripes... I just didn't know that people do all that stuff all that much... well... now's time to pull out my swimwear and start getting to it... the swimming pool's downstairs, my dear... and do overcome the first plunge of cold... it'll do you good...

about tests and exams... cripes again... I had better get to it... and stop thinking about eating to curb the stress... just study... the exercise will work itself all out... (I realise this is a strategy I'll be taking to take on the exams... again... exercise and lots of eating and lots of studying...) old habits die hard...

My cousin's not budging, and neither am I!

I seem to have this affinity for a non-relationship status now... only for now... (sigh... it might change tomorrow morning or in a second...) in any case, I'm proud to have this feeling even if it's for a moment... ")

my cousin's not thinking of any, in any time for that matter... I admire him... strong guy...

and my french test results really s**k... so I'll be mugging... soon... not now... for next week's two major tests... which would be do-or-die...

my baking turned out really horrid today... sigh... since when have I been a victim of kitchen disasters? why, my muffins always turn out good... just that I tried something new today... that's all... was so frustrated I ate so much... now feeling a little churny... in the mind not in the stomach...

any more info? well... I happen to have an increase in ego now... he he... ;P (beats me why...)

was roped in to help, inevitably!

my friend was so persistent... oh well... and who could resist his 'charms' where so many have failed... (joking...) it was all already on my mind to join in the students' union activities someday in the organisation part especially... wait... it isn't the students' union, but the business club in NUS... call me school proud or something... ;P

so I'll be chairing something I haven't been briefed about at all... with the help of my faithful assistant (at least I hope he'll be- he got me into this...) haha... what an opportunity! I think I'd love to see if I can handle this at all.... and it heartens me to note that I would have a good back up plan of a friend... *evil grin*

finally got wind of a study group... and would be joining in... since was invited to join in... somehow they have this notion that I'm a really intelligent girl who would be of much help when it comes to studies... well... not that I doubt anything... but I really hope they wouldn't find themselves wrong... I'll help as and where I can... when I can... and to think such brilliant people think that just being able to present well is such a plus factor that I should be on the dean's list... haha... maybe I'm just good at covering up my multiple weaknesses... that's why... and no wonder... about the dean's list... who wouldn't want to be in it? I'll try for sure... but sigh... it's meant for the people 'up there'... if you get what I mean...

sleepy... and not moving...

the day seems to wear on a little too much lately... and the sleepy droopy eyes have started to appear... the dark eye rings can always be eliminated with the wonderful invention of make-up but the alertness of mind need not be dictated by caffeine, should it?

I'm resisting the urge to subdue my boredom with eating and at the same time trying to do something more constructive... however the financial accounting tutorials I realised has become somewhat vague and it's getting a little frightening... so much so that I don't feel like eating... and yet I know I love eating...

and yes, finally I would be meeting someone to come up with my subject pool timings a little later... looking forward to getting that off my mind... and... now... french... french test results would be released tomorrow and I pray I wouldn't get a shock of my life (though if God desires me to get a good shock, I jolly well would go along with it!) and french oral would be next week.. had better practise my francais... it's getting a trifle rusty with all the dust collected with it...

sheessh... so this is the boring part of uni life... when the mugging doesn't quite yet set in and that's because you've got so many things to do... and it's dragging on for far too long... like dragging on with a relationship you find no hope in pursuing but you try for the sake of wishing that something might come out of it? (Just an illustration, no pun intended)

une part du ciel... (a piece of sky)

ever wondered why things only come to you in bits and pieces? perhaps I'm not ready to take on the sky that's why... take today, I only knew from today that my computer has been laden with so many viruses I almost lost it all... and only knew about the forfeit of not going for the subject pool... so God, please grant me the two time slots, please... I beg you... it's a ten page report otherwise... (killing...)

the marketing stuff is over! albeit me feeling that we could have done somethings a little better here and there... overall, it's a relief that it's over and I can finally be getting down to the books and start enrolment in the nerd institution again... I think they might have kicked me out for lack of commitment to drink lots of starbucks to continue studying...

and... the sky's falling a little... the work's never ending.. how much I'm looking forward to the end of the year where I'll be going on my holiday (hallelujah) as well as taking in the sights of christmas once again... I just love the rain the past few days have given us... what a welcome relief from all the heat and sweat that we've been experiencing as singaporeans... all year round...

it's only the econs presentation, hw 3, and another fna project to be handled up already... come on... it's just these three left...

oh and erm... I have realised the potency of the influence one can have due to certain circumstances... which I shan't mention for fear of offending some... and I shall take that into much consideration... for it'll affect the way I handle people in the future and days to come...

a time spent is a time well spent...

suppose that would be my motto for now... and a pretty insightful one, don't you think?

and a little time spent with my saviour was good just now! think I should make it a real habit.. feeling so refreshed and different... glad yet a little apprehensive... but it's peace of mind in the midst of being apprehensive... no one's saying anything about being apprehensive.. it's only natural, us being humans... it's what you do about it thereafter that makes the difference... just like a temptation, it's only a temptation but it becomes a sin only when you get started on it...

and chatted with a good friend of mine from London... glad I can be of an encouraging service to the people around me, albeit the boundaries... have spoken to two of my gfs so far and it's been a good experience ever since I got started on the Jabez Prayer...

but a major shift in life has gotten going... and the things I used to hold on to now prove no longer steady... and I'm learning to depend more and more on him each new day... learning new things, picking up new habits... taking up new ways to be christian...

I'm not perfect, no doubt... but I'm a perfect-being-in-construction... ;p

meeting people I never thought I would meet...

and finding that I'm talking to people whom I never expected to even carry out a decent conversation with without stepping on their toes and vice versa... ") wonderments of wonderments and anything is possible... met an old friend today and had a good friendship going on with another just when it seemed quite impossible... and life's been good though I have been terribly busy... endorphines are terrific creations, God! why yes, went to the gym today and ce n'est pas fatigue! go pray the Jabez prayer, it works, it changes life, and it's giving me more than I could ever think of...

and for those seeking the Lord's will in your love life out there, go pray the Sophie's prayer... that you'll never find yourself getting 'distracted' by anyone except the one God has set aside for you... and even so, he/she will be encouragement to you to serve God with all your life, so that it may go well with you and that you'll find yourself the enrichment of life in the midst of singlehood...

C'est la vie... and you can have it too, if only you'd ask... :P

just to add a little, french was good today... suddenly wisdom came upon me and I understood... I stand as testament to his word... and if it is his will for me to pass the module and not take it ever again, it's his will... I'll just be trying my best... ")

oh! but what a discovery!

just as I was calculating my risks etc... about french and the extra module I would have to ridiculously take in an extra semester... surprise of surprises... I forgot about summer school! so I can take my modules then anyhow as I want... and take more to go with it and finish my uni education within a shorter period of time... haha... what richess of information! thank God I came across it... albeit in this manner.. nothing happens for no purpose... all's not lost... ;P tres tres bien... j'adore universite! it's flexible at least!

I'm a little girl in a big man's hat...

I can't take it anymore... knowing that I have quite a fair chance of not making it for my french and thus may end up taking my modules for another semester is killing me... I'll hate it! God, have mercy on me and I pray that I'll be able to get my C at least... and it all boils down to an oral and a test of total 30% to pull things up already... please... I'm begging...

really, suddenly the whole idea of sticking your fingers into the nearby three pin plug seems a little tempting... two combinations... live and neutral, or live and earth!

alright I shan't entertain such murderous thoughts... am in a terribly foul mood today knowing that today's test did nothing to help pull up my scores and may even pull it down... I'm desperate... for the first time...

Ce n'est pas enchante, ce n'est pas magnifique... C'est horrible et bizarre... Je ne mange pas de nourriture... j'ai mal a la tete et partout! C'est bientot fini?

Mon ami(e), C'est ma faute mais tu ne pas deranger!

I'm Sophia and I'm reporting for duty...

sounds pretty much like... John Kerry don't you think? My first day reporting to the nerd institution has just started and tellingly, it's tiring but I'll bet it'll be worth it... I actually love the few hours that have passed so far... it's interesting, engaging, and fulfilling somewhat... knowing you aren't the 'bugger-next-door-who's-got-nothing-to-live-for nor look-forward-to'...

sound advice from a friend... once you've started on slackhood, you can't stop. so the only way is to keep at it... work it, sweat it, grow it... now it sounds more Pastor Aaron haha... and yesterday was an interesting day... I discovered onhand the power of cognitive affirmation...

"...the car that drove pass was dirty no doubt but it didn't warrant abuse of that sort..."

"wha, so dirty" said one outspoken lady. "yah la... like some malaysian car, not like singaporean car..." said another after much hesitation... thereafter the comments at the bus stop flowed like an avalanche... sheesh... where's our sense of humour? what's wrong with a muddy car? I think it's cool and different!

similarly for branded cars... what's so nice about your 'typical' cars? what's wrong with buying a pick-up that's a ton of buckets cooler even if you had the money for a bentley? Originality should be highly lauded, not stepped upon... and cognitive affirmation, realised and seen to...

I'll be putting an end to egregious ways...

and of course, putting an end to less conspicuous ones too... I'm viewed as an affable girl, as well as an advocate for women's rights and independence... I don't hope to be the next Mother Theresa, but at least, I'll let me be a little branch of discipline in usage of words, shouldn't I?

decrepitude and senescence shouldn't be excuses for me and neither will others' experiences and attributes... I haven't done well so far in my studies and I had better be getting to the groove... soon... I know that reiterating such statements would convince no one, in fact, I'm not convinced as long as I remain so slack and incidentally, a wreck maybe? Obversely, one can view it as a rather shallow but nonetheleast succesfully-bimbotic way of life... whichever you choose...

I dare not extrapolate my results... it'll only set me back more than a couple of steps... percentages drawn up and I see what I can do about it... pray about it... and not sleep on it... after all, as what one of a new found friend of mine said, if you've tried your best, there's it... just it...

and of course, eradicate any form of complacency by mugging...

Chillingly snappish...

I was shocked at my snappish ways just now... I mean, I've always taken a little more effort in being civil to just about anyone but I guess I say what I mean most of the time and if one happens to get me on my 'worse' days... It's good hearing to you, because you'll be hearing things you would never have expected me to say before... And I don't bother about not being curt to anyone...

so there's that and I finally realised the brat in me... again... it's resurfacing... and getting stronger with each day that I find myself more secure in being me, or when I start feeling a little insecure about things... there's this fine balance I must learn to maintain and I don't know if it's called maturity when you learn to identify it and curb it... I'd rather tend to think that I'm doing it for the sake of others around me... it's like trying to restrain a lion from eating the people around you- people whom you love...

but I suppose that realisation is the first step, and I can take pride in not being ignorant about it! although it'll start as a nagging everyday (wait a minute, if it does nags me and nags me into doing good, I don't see why not) ;P

lots of things to be accomplished tonight... take heart my fair warrior... for although the going might seem tougher than you can ever imagine, it really is easy when you compare it to a whole lot of others things you could be doing... like thinking too much and reflecting overly... or expressing overtly and getting bad flak? ")

What do you do when you're fiercely independent and stressed?

You generally would not pour your grievances out to anyone and neither do you keep it all to yourself... Therefore, you'd say it out in the least of any opportunities to speak and people tend to see you as an extremely opinionated girl who has too much going for her that she's better off not attached to anyone as he might be a hindrance instead of a support... Well actually, no... That's not all about it... I do believe I need someone eventually, but perhaps now is not the time for anything cause I haven't found anyone to be attracted to currently and the chances of finding a good Christian guy whose interllect suits me to a T is becoming rather diminished...

Terribly misunderstood as a rather bimbotic-wannabe, whom people gasp at when I say that I'm actually looking for a physics cum geography lover... they believe I'm being at it again... and tell me that guys who love physics are klutzs and none of them are as 'exciting' as I had envisioned them to be... would someone kindly be reminded that I have been doing my pure sciences for a total of 4 years and I know what kinds of guys there are in pure science... the steady and less extroverted, no doubt... but somehow, and funnily though logically sensible, I am attracted to those sorts...

and my marketing results showed that I'm rather different from the rest of the girls around me... could be a good thing, could be taken negatively as well... the survey was on dating habits and preferences of people... I actually do not mind a much older man... though my mom would definitely scream her head off... I can almost hear the cries of "paedophile! paedophile!" everywhere... it's no one's fault really... which mom would love to see her daughter going out with someone her age? but of course, it's just a possibility... am not saying I generally prefer those sorts... of course it'll be good to have a guy around my age... least we can do some active sports together and spur each other on... ;P

all I can say is... well if he is meant to be, God will have you he adore...

finally had my chance to exercise...

so many things to do, such a packed schedule... though I was a tad overwhelmed, still held my fort well enough... ;) and thank God for that... in fact, it's a little uncanny how everything seemed to fall into place altogether when I didn't worry so much and just did whatever I could... realised that it's no point fretting about such stuff, but I also realised that this could merely be a juncture in life where I see it all coming together a little more nicely... yet since I do not know what the future holds for me, I shall simply wait to see what comes around, and prayfully, God will continue to teach me how not to worry and to start being proactive in my life while putting my trust in him...

and finally had the time to exercise! well, not actually... cause it was just a little time out for me.. I don't think I would have the time in a little while now... and that's horrendous... cause I need the endorphines... alot!

A birthday comes with some revelations...

sometimes, you never know of certain things until the time comes when an event has occured, and you finally see yourself for what you really are and others for what they really are to you...

a year and much wiser, a year of much happenings... a year of more expectations and yet of less yearnings...

see how many sparrows there are in the air and they do not worry about what they would eat or wear or drink... see how we could be like sparrows, never worrying about the least of anything...

a word so difficult to speak out aloud shouldn't be a word left-to-say, neither should it be hidden in your heart, enabriating in every way...

That pretty much sums up my feelings today...

it was so tough, I tell you...

the test was a killer... that's it. not saying anything more... but now, I have to do so much work! and I dread it... alot... not starting yet though...

I have this unique way of handling stress... I'll not do anything... period... wonder why...

and things are finally looking normal... I'm only afraid that I'll look into my personal interests so much that I forget everything else I need to be concerned for and about...

while growing up, one must learn to pave her own paths, decide her future, and seek her own happiness... am I really doing so?

after the first hit of the storm, a heckled reck...

Projects avalanche... thereafter came a heckled rack and confoundedness compounds... I'm actually playing it so cool... how can I feel this way? I should be a little more concern shouldn't I? Is it the peace of God working? or my complacency acting out? there's seriously a thin line I should be thinking of... drawing.

and why, tomorrow's the financial accounting test! I'm prepared for it Thank God but I still don't know how hard and tricky it is going to be... but God... help me to the end please?

morning exercise was well appreciated... endorphines and adrenaline running aplenty... should be sleeping a little while soon for the big one tomorrow.. and to pick my dad up from the airport in the early morning! He specially flew back for my birthday... and with a dad like him, and a wonderful family... who needs anyone more than my lovely family? ;P

sigh.... all but projects and more projects..

projects avalanche... arggghhh... save me... it's all coming to me now... wonder how I would survive being in this seemingly horrid state but I believe it'll train my resilience and resistance to stress or something... it's how you make things out to be that matters... and thereafter, events in life would be nothing more than mere increases in your experience equity... ;P after all that accounting stuff.. I can think nothing more than debiting your assets and crediting your liabilities to get a bigger owners' equity etc etc... my only inventory owned is myself and I need some provision for sleep... hee hee... ")

why am I feeling this way?

I'm starting to hate everything around me... along with it the fact of constantly being with people... (and I'm only afraid that it's not the pms acting up again) not saying anything and yet starting to be a recluse...

give me some sobriety... give me some accounting ingeniuty...

take today, I was so fed up with everything... but I just took everything in... not once saying anything in complain... just did the additional housework despite my exams coming up etc.. I'm surprised... not amazed... cause there's an element of worry... maybe I'm starting to take away the conceited ways? maybe it's God... ya... it should be... that's easier to take in...

is not complaining being unconceited?

I'm the most conceited and arrogant girl in the world

I've realised what the matter of the problem is... my arrogance in speech had him turned off... sigh... and now I'll never get to explain anything... it's all too late... it's all too late...

I thought once that I was proud to be proud... ironic but true... and now... it's definitely my short-coming and I'm starting to detest it... if it's going to rob me of everything that I would love to have but am prevented from it due to this... I'd rather it gone and I'll be free to pursue whatever I am to pursue with the lightness in heart and spirit...

and now... I'm just a girl with many aspirations... one of which is to be a little less proud and arrogant...

mind over body, God over mind...

I believe in God over my mind and heart and body.. was initially feeling a little cranky and insecure for a while... this morning... (could be due to my pms or really just having spasms of these feelings anyway) but I prayed about it and somehow it went away, leaving me feeling so much better than prior to it!

wow... there's always this discussion of mind over body and all that neurolinguistic thingy... but I never thought that it could work this way, and better as well... and it's controllable by a force majuere! (meaning: a force more major than one can handle or expect)

I got to stop sleeping so often... gaining weight as a result...

and I need to desperately study... like start studying now...some people I know have been planning their end-year study programmes already! what am I doing? I thought that I was supposedly to be a nerd-wannable? and not to forget, a bimbo-lookalike-wannable? (although I think I have inevitably achieved the latter... and yikes to that...)

french test was superbly tough...

and I'll have to say thank God that I could at least write something albeit that I doubt I have immaculate french... but it's a learning process anyway and I believe something good can come out of this... er... to put it in a dramatic way... calamity?

met some people who are going to major in theatre studies and they kinda remind me of my drama cca people in junior college... fun loving and a little INSANE... (pun intended) actually I don't know what would have happened if I had joined things like M1 youth connection and the youth side of theatre as suggested by one of my drama instructor then... perhaps a totally wrecky and different way of life?

people aren't as nice as you view them to be... I found out only last night.. wait, or should I say this morning... according to the insights and experiences of a particular friend, I have found the perfect excuse not to get attached... guys can be real jerks... oh well... maybe and who knows? I might even find a permanent excuse... and that would be rather tramatic wouldn't it?

tired out and yet I have yet to study.. girl go go go...