Keeping my cool amidst the going bonkers...

I'm supposed to go bonkers aren't I? after all, my mno project's due in three weeks, stats in three weeks... stats and prog midterm next week... prog assignment next week... calculus exam the week after next... and the bce the week after the week after the next...

not to forget an econs presentation sometime in between... and 2 econs assignments to boot...

global paper's due really soon too... and so... theoratically speaking I should be going bonkers, shouldn't I? but I thank God for the extra strength and energy he has given to me... even had some time to talk to a good friend (better after the conversation) about what I really feel about life and all it's entities... he was pretty shocked I must say... after all... who knows about my deep dark side? (no it's not evil... it's just plain... what do you call it??? purposeful oblivion...)

and I used to think I have to do certain things because I have to.... not out of love and a spirit of community... but thank God I don't think that way now... the hard-crusted heart of mine has given way to the softening of the Lord's love... and I now am learning to become part of the love and community he has desired for each and everyone of us...

and yes... so what about work? It isn't everything... I just do my best...

I was pondering over what Char was telling me about... that point or stage in life when one just chooses or becomes a little more in control of her own emotions and thoughts and etc... like... not being so volatile? and I totally agree... maybe I'm coming to that stage now... or maybe I'm just plain pmsing right now... who's to know?

ok... visiting the sde cell group later... cause I thought that since I can't attend the business cell due to clashes in timing... why not try other cells rather than plain talking about joining other cells? will see how...

after which is prayer at engine bridge and then bce practice... again... God... I'm so so tired just thinking of it... cause I'll probably reach home by what...12?

but something Karen said pushes me on... something along the likes of how blessed she was when she was superbly busy for the Lord... and the Lord blessed her with so much... I'm looking forward to more out-pouring of the holy spirit and the works of the Lord in my life... :)

so difficult to worship?

but when the good times come... I thank God for them for they give me a hope to carry on...

my brother did rather well for his 'O's... thank God for that... it's a huge relief off my chest... and as a big sister I'm only concerned about his choice of courses right now... amidst my exams and hectic timetable... guess that's being the eldest here... I may find my siblings irritatingly dependent on me and my parents but seriously, when the crunch time comes, I'm equally anxious... and my cell girls did well... thank God for that too... (smart little ones, they are... so taking after me... haha... *joking*)

for a breather now... I'm being too motherly here aren't I?

oh sheesh...

I just met Pastor Ian when picking up my brother from the place they were dropped off from the serve mission trip... he looks very kind and nice still... as always...

and haha... inevitably set up some lunch date with a friend of mine for lending him my lecture notes! Where's the justice? (okok... you aren't that bad... seriously... haha)

classes were interesting as usual... I love learning about new things... it probably helped that I was multi-tasking, smsing as well as listening to the lectures... good thing here... maybe i just work better like that... ???

and teaching my grouchy sister some math now... sigh... I didn't have to have anyone beside me egging me on to do my stuff at age 11...

and I've got 2 projects, 1 term paper, 3 term exams and etc etc etc... bce event... all coming up at the same time... God... please... help me out? *pathetic look*

forgive me for being overly boisterous...

but... I'm so overwhelmed... my domestic help just had my cupboards packed and I saw not piles of clothes but towers... yikes... it's giving me that guilty feeling again until I looked carefully at the clothes I've got... and it seems I don't even wear about half of them anymore... outgrown... fashion's way too cool for school etc... and been wearing more of the jeans and t-shirts sort of clothing... man am I getting a little too boring for my own good?

and yes my god ma just came back from adelaide and she got me tons of stuff... I was so shocked when I found cute little pink blouses which she usually doesn't buy for me but knows I have been advocating... haha... and yes even my mom was so surprised... got three handbags as well... and two pairs of three-quarts... I'm so blessed even when I do not go shopping huh? :)

and they fit perfectly... thank God...

oh well... before I start sounding really bimbotic and too dumb for my own good... am trying to reiterate global stuff again... need to get into a new groove for school tomorrow... starting from now... there's no more time to lose and I've got tons of essays and tests coming up... no more miss gaily... swap that for miss boring-like-anything-for-the-sole-purpose-of-studying...

and one wonders at the extent globalisation has on us... we don't even talk of its influence or not anymore... we talk of how much... and in a measure globalisation and it's players dictate... in a way we have been taught by it and we process the information through computers and idea-boxes set up by them... sigh... this world is not my home... I'm just a passing through...

go on a vow?

what's in it for the vows made to God regarding relationships? I don't know but I have come to a stage where I'm perfectly neutral between going on one and not advocating it... both have their arguing points... 0ne keeps you focused, one keeps you open, to God's will and purpose... it's always the fine balance we must try to have...

and right now... am trying to find the balance in life... the perils and the joys... I'm making them his...

and yes... I've realised too much immaturity in myself... and the denials of time abuse and effort mis-management... I seriously need some time to think about what I really want out of life... no am not wavering in the faith... am simply trying to figure out how to better manage the time and energy God's given to me to best ultilise it for his glory... after all, we owe him our lives... especially for me... since I have been 'raised from the dead' whilst I was young... it was a very trying time for me... (as some of you guys would have known about it) and it's tough for people to try and understand where I'm coming from... but seems the moment they know about that experience of mine, everything seems to come to light... haha... maybe I should share on that more often...

and so I shan't arouse the desire until it so awakens... let go and let God... let it be as he wills for me to have... I shall surrender my all into his hands and await the glory and miracles of the Lord... :)

something precious to recount? but I gained so much weight?

but I'm not in the least surprised... cause silly me has been munching and eating non stop the chinese new year goodies... and yes they are very good... I don't regret it one bit... as I have said... but it's going to be hitting the gym for me then... and careful diet already!!!

today's practice was tiring and tiring.... non stop... and made me all hungry and c'est difficile to just keep going like clockwork... I'm human, have feelings and need time-outs...

it's funny how I've gained weight, leaving the lower half more bulky... and the upper half slimmer? I'm amused... haha... oh no no, not being sarcastic here...

and I'm thinking of going to sri lanka for a mission trip... but right now it's still a thought... unprocessed and unchecked... gotta pray over it...

something precious to recount from life's short stint?

well I guess I'll keep on falling... into his arms of love and security... and rest myself in the will of God that takes all my flaws and incompleteness and moulds them and makes them into strengths and things I could boast of...

and leaving goals and ambitions aside to pursue the desires of the heart of my Lord Jesus... seeking to not be conformed to the world but to be part of the work in transforming lives... ( we may work and plough and harvest in seasons... but it's the Lord who makes all things grow) perspectives have got to change and habits violently kicked away to make space for the new... the becoming... and the coming...

back to square one again...??? then take a look into your life... and recount... what you haven't already been doing.... praying and seeking the Lord for his word and will in your life... will doesn't equate the one way the Lord wants you to travel... it's his desire for your life...

won't you start to surrender and let God implement his perfect desires for your life? I am... amidst of people saying 'no!!! don't do that' and 'God will never decide everything for you... forget it'... if he has a desire for me in my life... I'm willing to find that out... and live it... if you feel you can do it on your own... fine by me...

free will... I can freely will God to will my life... isn't it? but of course... decisions have to be made... experiences experienced... who said it excluded all that? :)

DO Hardworking WHILE results not there...

Public Sub

DIM Results AS INTEGER

DO WHILE Results < 100%

Results = VAL( InputBox ("hard work and resourcefulness and giving up of everything else non-necessary and PRAYING VERY VERY HARD etc etc etc."))

Loop

End Sub

*this was done during programming class... hee*

I'm absolutely nutty today...

and am left wondering at it... perhaps it's a bad case of pms... or merely a chance to recover from the notion that holiday's ending... and why yes, I took it as a pure holiday... somewhat without all that ccas stuff...

but thank God that the realisation of such events have come to me... and i need not be in search and wait to find the answers.... logic somehow would be defeated and powerless...

rehearsal was warm warm warm...

it's the weather which brings about confusion amidst a supposedly romantic night!

it's the weather which brings about confusion amidst a supposedly romantic night! it's the chinese lovers night theoretically yesterday since now's past midnight... but amidst it all, I didn't sense any excitement or romance in the hot, ash and dust polluted, air...

although I got wind of a love poem a friend of mine wrote... it was quite fabulous, if you can call it so... *wink* (still, I wish you all the best in your trip to florida ya?)

and yes, tomorrow's the hectic day with me being non-sensically lazy today... again... gluttony as usual... what's new?

mundane life... need to go on a trip... pack me to some resort to relax... I need to rest...

and why yes, I'm not burnt... from all that sun exposure... although I almost fell ill though... (almost? I tend to sleep alot to get rid of that 'sick' feeling every time I get it) and so, that explains my very very sleep-oriented day....

sheesh... today's going to be a long long day... trust me... going to my friend's house to cold call early in the morning before rushing to school for a meeting and thereafter having the bce practice... till late in the evening.... with no lunch to boot... I'm thinking of a way to still be able to get food in the little tummy of mine... without slacking off any of the activities... *thinking hard*

haha.... I think I live to eat!!!

man I'm stuffed...

I was supposedly very very hungry just now after the netball matches and thereafter it was a major eating spree for me... I can't stand myself... but as usual... lately I don't regret eating rubbish... I just regret stuffing myself so bad it hurts in the tummy...

and yes... netball was really fun today... bizad's cell group (the 5 of us or so) combined with the some SDE people to make up 3 guys and 4 girls to play in the matches... it was really good fun and ayup... we had the tallest men to boot... somewhat like the twin towers in the once-oh-so-in-perennial Robinson-Duncan partnership, in NBA... been watching alot of basketball lately because of two reasons: one, can't bear to get to work despite my free schedule and two, I still can't be bothered... anyway, that aside... la... I had a good time trying to reconcile hitting the balls in tennis and catching and throwing the balls in captain's ball... kept having buttery fingers and missing the shots and all... aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh... this is so irritating...

and today's meeting was an eye opener for me... learnt so many things... and yes... I realised I dressed a little too down today... (hit me for that) but it was mostly because was going to school to play netball (please wake me up... it ain't netball, it's captain's ball)

and dinner was fun you guys... my bizad cell had dinner together and let me let you in on one case of providence... was walking back from fong seng(if that's how you call it) and being mentally prepared for my hour and a half long worth of transport till my dad flashed in my mind and I called him up immediately... he was precisely about to leave alexandra road... know how near that is in car-distance? and so I had a lift home...

not that I did alot with the extra time I had... anyway... I'm quite rubbish these days...

you mean to say my skirt's alterations cost more than the skirt itself?

it's totally ridiculo man... but hopefully I can get a cheaper alternative.. otherwise... it ain't going to be pretty...

oh whatever... day three of the 'holiday' if you might call it has passed and gone and here am I still feeling lost and not doing much at all... in fact, just came back from lunch with my mom at fish and co. nice grilled fish they've got... seriously, it'll be a pity in itself not to try it...

and why yes, the hols are really hectic for me... other than today being a free day... it's like 'hell week'... tomorrow got to travel down to clementi to my friend's house to cold-call and then to the company meeting at raffles place and then to school to play netball!!! till in the evening...

wednesday: going to a company to do research for mno project, after which giving sister tuition...

thursday: school for bce practice...

friday: start of school...

lalala... I'm totally nutty now... God please help me through this time... I need discipline and sobriety...

the 'X' button needs a few more tries than usual...

my computer's 'X' button has to be punched in order to execute the command properly... every 'X' you see here was punched thoroughly... :)

and yes... I realised that although I am turning twenty this year... which isn't going to be too soon (don't laugh and roll about) since my birthday passed not too long ago... (late year baby!!!) it's an exciting world out there with friends and new experiences to learn about and experience for oneself... I mean, I really thank God for the people he has brought into my life... each has been a blessing and has had his/her impact in my life... honest... ")

and so I was talking to my friends in vcf today during the musical practice and all... it was so hilarious... paul leong's the man man... haha... and you're rather 'gross' too... had lunch (which almost didn't make it into the lower half of the digestive system without being tossed and turned inside the top half from laughing and nearly barfing) which was most enjoyable... albeit my realising that I'm actually very very young compared to so many of them... they were talking 'X' files and God knows what actresses while I was staring into nowhere and trying to figure out what shows' nice and etc... and which actresses are cute and which movies' worth watching...

anyway... I'm very very settled on one thing for now... keeping an open but guarded mind with regards to relationships... looking for the man who's
1. Godly and who shares my passion in my service to God and would be able to complement and encourage me along the way
2. shares my interests (it's probably the major chemical element here...)
3. would be able to lead us in the relationship, in God's timing and ways and truths... a.k.a to help me be less domineering

not putting up an advertisement for heaven's sake... just sharing what I feel about this whole thing... I feel it's very important to have a goal and desire and direction in this area... to know your heart's desire and God's for you as well... no one's going to choose that man/woman for you... but in his sovereignty you'd find a man/woman who's humanly imperfect but perfected in his love and grace... whom you'll see through the eyes of God... :)

PS. heard so many testimonies about this topic today thanks to a friend who openly shared about success stories... I'm utterly convinced... and I believe one fine day I'll be able to look back and tell of mine as well... ")

remember... if he/she ain't talking about God with you as much as you talk about other issues... something's very wrong there... and no, this is no addressing nerds as good bfs... please find a balanced person...

abstinence... worth waiting for...

well... it's the band I'm having right now... paid two bucks for this band that says "worth waiting for"... a rather good reminder to myself on the sanctity of staying precious and devoted to waiting on the 'one'... though it's a decision I must make myself...

well... today's the long day I'm going to have and I'd have to say I didn't know it was today until my friend over msn said good morning... to which I was quite thoroughly shocked at...

and today was quite slack at school... went to school for one tutorial and one lecture... which I almost skipped... then tennis was slack again... didn't run all that much... was stiff in the knees in running...

cell was good as usual... thank God I chose it over any other activities I planned... :)

good good... everything's in control....

although I swallowed a whole bottle of kueh bangkit in two nights... am on my mission to lose the extra fats and weight put on... not too worried though... determination is always key to everything... and doing one's best... just doing one's best. learnt that from a very determined brother of mine... :)

and so tomorrow's workout day!!! don't ask me what I am to do... but well... since I need to be accountable to someone at least... basically tennis in the afternoon... morning's activities are still a blur though...

but it's going to be a long long day tomorrow... as usual... and my sat day starts really early... because of BCE... not that I'm complaining... but it would be divine to have a car to drive to school in...

feeling tired just thinking about it!!! but tomorrow would be going down to sjsm to meet the serve people and pastors and thereafter have my prog tutorial... followed by meeting my lecturer for a discussion on my project and if time permits... to go for the what's left of the mno lecture...

after which, tennis time! with pastor aaron and gang... and cell group... and go home and mumble to myself to sleep... to wake up early for the following day for BCE... got to leave the house at that unearthly hour again... 645...

please leave me to scream at myself...

AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

thanks...

zonked out- the monster...

yes... zonk the monster has caught up with me and I seem to be in a rather comatose state today... and yes, went through the usual slew of lectures and lab... mondays and thursdays are killer days... and it wasn't too bad... except that I wanted to go home so badly i contemplated skipping the lecture... met an old friend of mine on the bus though... haha... my good friend's twin sister to be exact...

heh...

and why was I comatose? didn't get enough of sleep... slept at 2 (no wasn't working but was on msn) and woke up at 7... and it's not that 5 hours isn't decent enough time to sleep but those who know me know me to be a firm believer in 10 hours rest and wouldn't tolerate less than perfect rest... okok... 8 sounds fine too...

realised all the people I msned yesterday... their names start with "J"... haha... how very coincidental... caught up with a friend of mine (whom I hadn't contacted in some time but he contacted me after a while because he wanted to give me some space before all that- sweet of him) and another, a friend from the VCF FOC group... promised me lunch... hee... and another fellow advocate of VCF... and another whom i have to keep me at it with the goal of the honours years... (whether or not I get it is God's will, really)

not too bad a time spent... don't regret it at all... :)

am desperately in need of exercise... haven't done it in a long time... sigh...

how many times do you eat in a day?

I do... five times... or more... I'm suddenly turning gluttony and fat? sigh... God help me to keep my weight in check and my fitness up-kept in disciplined regimes...

and yes... realised alot of vcf couples are coming about and there are rumours spreading like anything... well... no smoke without fire... you never know... :) and those good guys I know of are all attached... I'm so proud of them but I 'weep' in silence as well... because now I wouldn't be distracted in any way... if you can put it this way... (not that I think of it alot alright? but it helps to close a door to this and keep it out of mind for now... to serve God in everyway possible...

yups... classes were rather ok today... nothing much to report... comparing to yesterday... it's the stupor after a wild chase... something like that...

it's amazing...

today was amazing... through and through... guess I need not say more...

but here's the scoop anyway... haha... I know... I just can't keep anything from you, can I? besides... there's always this fear of not remembering such significant moments... sorta...

went to school at about 1 plus and was drawn to the forum for no reason at all... got directed (by divine revelation to the books section) and yes it was the christian books section... so I got two books at a bargain... one of which is a hard cover... and then met two of my vcf friends... by pure coincidence... they aren't even from arts...

and then went for my lab... only to find out that one of my friend's friend is in the same class as well... chatted quite a fair bit and that was that... good for me I found a friend in that class now...

and met up with charmaine and danielle for dinner and then it was ft... ft was good with an extremely sharp and focused preacher who didn't give his two cents worth for propriety in speaking in public and said things that would have been offensive hadn't God speak to his people... and was choosing between the adam khoo talk and this ft session... I was thinking, oh what the heck, I love God more than this... and I badly needed to listen out more for his word... so I signed my name up with the reception table, got my notes, and left for ft from the guild house... ( to ensure I do not get black marked for future events)

after ft... got to know two people from the anglican 'sector' and yes we're rare alright... so it was my joy to find out that the two went for the same mission trip to the same place... in Thailand, albeit at different times... as I have... man it was fun to just keep talking and talking about those moments... we all had it the same... haha...

and then it's not all!

whilst I somehow decided to take the bus to go home... I decidedly went to the terminal to take the bus there... missed my bus and asked this person the way I should go and how so.... turns out he lives in bedok reservoir and we had a good talk... he's an engine grad currently doing finance... in a way, he was giving me advice about alot of things...

it's amazing how God's showing me his omnipotence... and he knows who would be connected to my life in the future etc... and even now... I mean... amazing.... :O) what else can I say? No?

a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

I wondered at what I wrote in pure delirium yesterday night... why, I do not seem to be making any sense at all... if I might put it this way... :) oh well... this blog replaces that and I'm quite glad to have found out about that horrid entry...

and yes, for today I wish that I was a posh restaurant's owner... charging sky high prices and grinning my way through the over-commercialised concept of valentine's and making tons of money... ah well... I can try to hope and pray but I haven't got a restaurant to own!

that aside... wanted to take part in stardust, a singing competition in business school... but had to find a musician first... so I tried asking around... the vcf people etc... and well... everyone was having their own agendas and all already... so I didn't sign up in the end... and went back home to realise that silly me had left out certain people from my church! namely... daniel li... haha... daniel... you're spared from traveling all the way down to clementi twice this week... :)

ft's tomorrow and I can't make it! sheesh... would be having that talk by adam khoo at guild house... it's supposed to be a good talk... so I guess... well... you can't have everything...

and yesterday was fun at ann's house and junhsiang's as well... thanks to you two for being so hospitable... so much so that I didn't do my tutorials and had to rush them this morning on the train despite having to go to school by 815am!!! ... and yes... i didn't have sufficient sleep... and I slept in globalisation class today... I hope professor khondker doesn't find that too offensive... I had a really long day with insufficient rest although it's ultimately my fault...

and so... I think I might have chanced upon the perfect valentine... I long to have a car... all mine... probably would call it some sophisticated name and it'll have a 'husband' tagline to boot... but sigh... in my dreams... in my dreams... who knows? I might dream hard enough and have it!

A nasty fly in my soup, YUCK!

welcome to broken heart cafe... nah... just humming the tune in my little head... not that I feel anything in alignment to this! I'm totally cool about things now... sorta... (serious!)

before I start becoming overly defensive or kick in the habit of diverting from subjects...

I love the songs sung today...

and yes I forgot to thank God for helping me in yesterday's economics presentation... because frankly speaking, though I was very apprehensive about the whole presentation... and we had only a little time to prepare for it (the previous days being the chinese new year) and we hadn't learnt about that topic yet... we nailed it! or perhaps my lecturer just loves girls better than guys... whatever... suit yourself...

and tennis was fantastic yesterday too... albeit the cramped space... of courts...

breakfast with mom and dad was delightful yest morning... the cover letter's been sent out... what else? ah... ft's coming in no time at all... this coming tuesday... but how? I have that adam khoo talk in school... yikes... too many flings with everything but not finding the time for each...

well life's short and youth is fleeting, and who's to know? I been having good ideas to live for today... and I shall and must... whatever's been bestowed on me, shall and should be put to use...

today was one h*** of a ride!!!

woke up at 615 today... gushed down my jello-oatmeal (cause i left it in the microwave and went to bathe before washing it down with some more yoghurt) and rushed out of the pitch-dark house...

and found my way to NUS' Engine Bridge where we had our prayer and stretching... after which it was to the function room we went, to have the rest of our rehearsal... the musicians were there already (so we were technically late) and yes we went through the whole first part of the musical including the dances etc...

swirling and turning and swirling... made me feel like puking really... but it was all part and parcel of the repetitive dance steps... nearly had fits laughing at my own mistakes... and boy was it fun to keep dancing and moving that bod... cause I haven't been at it since I was in secondary school... and yes... speaking about ex schools... I just found out that two of my friends in vcf are from my primary school and we all seem to look alike and have long hair... wonder if that was ever in the agenda of shps to make us so standard looking! hahaa... but believe we speak at the same level as well... and that's fantastic... got a couple of friends to hang out with etc... and yes... they are all older than me... and yes we are all acting in similar roles and have to do the same dance steps together... coincidence? nah... providence? probably...

and after which I went to my mom's cell's visitation... and collected a couple of ang baos and had tea and dinner and a good hearty lunch (yikes... eating... again!!!...) and it was off the airport to send my cousin off to his course in australia... was just thinking of how it'd be like for me when I go for the exchange programme... I mean... I wouldn't exactly be gone for long... but I wouldn't be gone for too short a while either... and how much I would pack in... yes... that would be a horrifyingly huge task... to move my room there... and leave what I can leave over here... la... but that's all in the future... meanwhile.. the most pressing issue is to finish this week's homework and sit pretty for the Lord... what a irony... I have been slogging for him... but harder I could go... :)

it's so good it's bad?!?

pineapple tarts... kueh bangkit... and pistachios... you guys are the bane in my life!!! you're so good you're bad... for me and for my health... for all the addictions I can find in the dictionary, none so exists... why target me? :) (haha... it ain't that bad... being casually dramatic again...)

yup I love eating all those stuff during these festive seasons... it's time to relax a little... chill... (although I have no idea pf that for others since my friends are all saying they would be committed to studying) and yes... talking to my relatives... some I didn't recognise nor know until now... going to my aunt's place later... would be good... her shark's fin soup... c'est magnifique! (welli... you're getting me at it... haha)

and yes been reading more psychological books and all... and it's starting me thinking about my motivations in life and all those really complicated stuff to figure out amidst a more complex world of moi... oh well... sometimes... it does take these things to keep me on the reflective mode.. something which I know I have always lacked... being so busy since young... and not stopping to take a breather at all... but it's gratifying to constantly be on the move... makes me feel like my life's more accomplished using every ounce of time and space I have to make it happen... and yes, still working on my time management... every and anything has room for improvement... no doubt about that...

so friday's highly dreaded because school isn't very fun after all the festive season and joys...

and saturday and sunday highly looked-forward-to since it's BCE practice time again... and the cell outing respectively! which means... I have to catch up my work some other time... of which I have none... how Lord?

Baby! you're back!

my dearest file was sitting silently by the computer when I came to pick it out just now... sigh... now trying to do up some cover letter and resume for the internship programme... don't know if it's God's will for me to get in... anyway... just trying it out, no harm done doing it up...

and yes, it's new year's eve and I'm sitting in school... typing all these thoughts out and feeling ridiculous about this whole affair... I mean, in JC we used to have half-days off! okok... so I'm getting older by the day and time leaves no strings attached to yesterday and keeps chasing after tomorrow... which is why I had better buck up and leave no stones unturned as well...

whatever the case... of cripies and dreams... been having lots of signs... for something I do not know of... God... what is it?

and yes... had better turn to something more meaningful now... it's not good hanging out here too often... doing nothing but moping in the midst of perturbed thoughts and such... :)

sob... I left my file in school!!!

which is a sign that, no matter what it is... I have to go to school tomorrow or it'll most definitely be gone... and when that happens... I'll be done for... literally... all my notes and stuff... God, please please help me to get it back... thanks!

phew... just realised I've got my name on my file and contact no etc... but funnily... I don't recall where I might have place the file... I most certainly did bring it into the lab... but left it in the lab while I stomped off in a huff anyways I think... oh no no... wasn't mad or something... was quite frustrated with all the stuff coming in... all on the same day... you know it's not very nice to have the platter all on the same day yup...

remind me to not eat in the morning and afternoon and save myself for the feast at night! whot rubbish again... I can't not eat!!! I'll die... of starvation... how ironic is it that my lecturer had been going on about how 800 million people in the world go to bed hungry every day and 1.1 billion people live on less than $1 a day and a further 2.7 billion live on less than $2 a day... the worse piece of news? this is an average... you can imagine what it's like... I'm truly spoilt... honest!

sigh... gorging sessions of late and stuffing...

and stuffing of the information I need to survive in this campus... man am I totally whacked with information and deadlines are starting to creep up... fast... I just realised that everything clashes with the BCE and my mid term tests and term papers etc... my only hope is to start preparing for it earlier and to stay disciplined in my studying and my readings... that way, I wouldn't be at an disadvantage but the effect would be reversed... :) praying it'll be so...

so ciao people... don't expect to hear from me much from now... :P wait to hear the good news I pray... but like I said.. I try my best and God gives the success as and when he deems right...

stuffing... yes.. have been getting really hungry these days... perhaps it's because of a sudden increase in activities after my past week of being sick... I reckon that would be the most reasonable idea here... heh...

and yes shall be going for the romeo and juliet play with the bce cast... but sigh... I don't have any 'significant other' to go with... how people? how am I going to get past this? (consider that this is a very romantic musical...) but then again... it's one with a sad ending... la... I think I shan't have a problem getting past it then... haha..

whot rubbish I have been sprouting... anyway... been busy and would be getting busier... presentations and assignments have started to pour in and I'm so so glad that I have had cuts in tests every here and there due to the chinese new year and yup... I believe it's God's intervention for my life...

haha... God, when are you going to intervene in THAT sense? hehe...

just did my outline of some assignment... very very tiring... and exhaustive... any ideas any one?

victim of price discrimination and shopping contraversy!!!

victim of price discrimination and shopping contraversy!!!

I cannot say I hate shopping anymore... I'll admit this much... that was an attempt to deviate attention from my much publicised affair with shopping... but perhaps it wasn't done in purposeful deceit? I was deceived myself... the world holds so much material... yet i'm supposed to look at immaterial things... sigh... and yes, some of my friends boast of having the immaterial already... and little me? have only my pride to cling on to... ha... :) not that I'm ashamed of it.. oh no no... I'm totally a quintessentially-proud-of-mua person... and the material? I just realised... that I have tons of clothing and shoes... yes yes... I initially thought i didn't have much of the latter... but recently have invested in about 7 pairs??? it's horrifying... the way I spend without a thought in my head... and about the clothing... erm...it can be justified... I go to school everyday and I need a change of nice and comfortable clothes to be in, some clothing for presentations... which would be the more formal ones... and yes... some to shine in... for occasional 'appearances' at parties and such... and erm... the cha-pa-lang ones for doing anything in... and of course... how could I have forgotten? my set of tennis attires and sports gear... that's about it...

my mom says that my stuff are 'conquering' every one else's shoe space and clothes space... what an expression! conquering... like that very much... but shan't be thinking about that now... I need to desperately kick the habit... notice I said "need to desperately kick the habit" and not "desperately need to kick the habit"? interpret it any way you want... :)

ok shoot..
tired already... got to go cram in the sleep... catch ya tom... if so... :(

you can't lose what you never had...

music is by far the most influencial form of propaganda... whether or not it was intended to be... I mean... we talk about who loves what kind of music... does anyone even ask whether someone likes any kind of music at all or none? no they don't... because that would sound totally absurd... stupid... see the influence? :)

anyway... those words are to mark my contemplation about many issues here... seems like somehow and somewhat... the influences are getting greater and bigger... and yes I'm starting to feel old turning twenty this year but I shan't make it too huge a deal... except that certain 'people' in my life have started to bug me about having a boyfriend before it's too late... I mean... what's too late? won't I still be attractive in twenty years' time? won't I? I know I would be... at least I myself would be convinced... no matter what others may say! although I do realise that it takes the other half to feel the same way or it'll still amount to nothing... heh...

and yes... about being independent and leaving the sappy songs and lovey dovey tunes to the love sick puppies... leaving none for my soul... I don't know what's up but man do I wish I don't have to quit my feministic club for any reason at any point in time...

my institution would stand, wouldn't it? ")

and I can't describe the feelings I have churning within me... it's like... I used to know and understand every thought that came into my head... but lately... have been a headless, brainless, non-existant-human... sigh that would be too much to take but why, I can't help but feel and become brainless for once!

it all started when I started to submit my feelings to God... trusting him in his faithfulness and love... and somehow... it feels foreign to feel this way... but it's a good feeling... generally... only bad when I start to question too much on why I'm feeling this way and so on... and yes... it's quite non-descript...

he's telling me something... I'm trying here to feel it... and I'm trying really hard to accept it and love it... God... I think I'm ready... I really do... won't you come and fill me? and fill me in as well please... thanks... i can't help but die to find out what's buzzing... and why I'm feeling these feelings...

so live for today, to hell with tomorrow!

so live for today, to hell with tomorrow! no price to pay, no sorrow....

everyday brings with it a new song to sing, a new emotional high to ride on and a new experience to share about... except... heh... think that this time, it isn't going to be put on the blog too much... for the fear of a lack of space and time!

had alot of fun today at the vcf bce event practice... hilarious... should be the word! we were supposed to so some sculpture thingy in a group... and guess what the zany people (zany because of me) did? made ourselves into a toilet bowl... who was the stomach-aching-soul??? ME!!! whahahaha... and to boot... we did alot of weird tongue twisters... (sheesh I think I can go on tv for the news now) and some singing (God, I'm so so elated my voice's back!!!) *clap clap clap, applause, resounding... gongs... cymbals... trumpets and whatsoever* did blocking for the good part of our play and yes... prayed and shared with one another our experiences in the week... that's the fellowship I have always been waiting for... Thank you Jesus... :)

who watches days of our lives? a bunch of us were talking about soap operas... yes... SOAP OPERAS and we were going on and on about the whole history and stuff... for the whole of lunch time... can't you take that? I could! we were laughing and squealing away... haha... it was great fun...

vcf! vcf! eternity with one! anyone? *stall owner*

me life... c'est superbly dramatic...

I'd like to think that life has enough worries on its own and no one's seeking more on their own accord... but why do people simply succumb to love and go gaga and cheesy with more lame jokes to boot just to merely impress some girl? or become what you're not and start being domesticated when it initially isn't part of your nature... you never mentioned cooking and would balk at doing your own laundry and ironing... ???

I'm thinking and thinking hard... God... it's not that I have too many criterions of my own for anything... nor is it that I'm simply too choosy or bossy... I'm merely love to bask in your presence and live everyday as if it were my last... grab hold of each day and make sure that I come out the victor of it... I don't need to prove my feminine ways, strutting down the aisle with some hunky guy in my arms... but are you telling me something else? perhaps?

programming... sigh...

okok... now no more of such talk of sighs and the like ok girl? hope you do understand that the 'bloodied' notion of uni being a breeze has been squashed upon ages ago and you've got to face it... all work and no play may make jane a dull girl... but certainly one with alot of paper qualifications!

and so... I'll be aiming for that... but how Lord? when all the time I have in the world is so little to count and I need more time to practice... read up... study... build projects... for presentations... I'm torn...

and with church commitments and business club and vcf stuff and aiesec... I'm getting a little nervvy... but min zhi's in the same position as I am... and both of us are huddling close for comfort... since both our aspirations for this sem's the same... exactly... :) thank God for people around me... :) they keep me sane and grounded...

going for the missions event thingy at sbc later... not before I have had a dose of mno lecture and doing some shopping for groceries with my friend for tomorrow's aiesec event... won't be staying the... but going late because after all, they always start late.. no point... I gave up going early... haha...

anyway... was contemplating quitting some committees that I'm in to concentrate on vcf stuff... cause I feel that although both takes up equal amounts of time... I can see where one is leading to... and i can't feel the motivation for the other... but whoever said that christians must only do christian stuff? I mean... who's going to go out there to fight the bigger battle? I used to say not me... but now... I guess... can't be helped... got to go... :)

my head's spinning, whole world's twisting...

how can I say thanks for the things he has done for me... things so undeserved... that he gave his life to set me free... the voices of a thousand angels, could not express my gratitude... all that I am, and ever hope to be...

melodies swirling in my little pretty head... empty the thoughts of junk and input thoughts of wonderment of Jesus to output the good fruits in life... becoming a disciple of Jesus with struggles each new day and more to learn and experience... love and warmth never lacking because of him and he holds my every day and wills every purpose in my life...

life's a bazaar... so many things to behold and see... so many things unique and uncertain, yet exciting to see and experience... be careful not to be lured by the beauty of mankind and his creations though... for though they promise... they do so more than they can deliver... and life ends in death and nothingness... no relationship on earth and nothing we claim as our own would be ours...

so I teared whilst reading the script for the musical... can you believe it? oh maybe it isn't so uncommon for me... I cried whilst reading romeo and juliet too... la... that's another thingy...

an imaginative mind of mine... good to have but got to keep in check... perhaps that's why i appreciate Ng Tze Beng's lecturing... though I do not understand it all... but I understand the passion and aspire to have it as well... if it were humanly possible... I would!!!

told you my head's spinning... :)

La Vie, C'est Magnifique!!!

I don't know why this title has to be put up there... perhaps as a stark contrast to the churning feelings I have within me... suppose that I have learnt so much more about the outside world and all it encompasses... and complications... and all those rather astute people in the business world are far too shrewd for my liking... but I haven't a choice but to pull up the socks to learn and behold the wonder of knowing and the wonder of being in wonderment... *starting to become a little zonked out*

oh well... and the two days of bazaar was magnifique... at first the flow of people was quite miserable on monday... then came today and business was brisk and well... thank God that from now onwards, wouldn't feel like I'm seriously indebted to those people who actually got a stall from us... since sales was good enough to foil me and jianwen's excellent marketing strategy with all but the facts down... :) *interpret whatever you like*

and I bought so many things I'm the major contributor of the bazaar... heh....

anyway, was honest and unbiased in my dealings... albeit being astute and learning along the way... so well... you can call it an achievement even... to be quite bluntly straightforward... how ironic...

and yes, after knowing some people and trying to come to terms with how relative poverty can be viewed either in this very relative way or choosing to think poverty as extreme poverty of living on a single dollar a day... I've come to a rather difficult position of cramming facts that people can be ridiculously rich and have the means to get richer... (and thus I'm indignant about it) and people who are too poor to buy their mosquito nets which are in demand since people in countries in Africa die of malaria ever so often... (and I feel compelled to play a part)

and so it's starting to look tempting to take everything in my stride and start working on starting my own company! but would time and money allow it? I don't know... seriously... I've got classes to attend... and things to do... perhaps not now... not today... :) but hopefully it'll be in the books though... :)

and yes, do I look better in long hair or short?

and... do I look that old? people keep guessing I'm in year three or something.... sheesh...

today's prayer at the engine bridge was good... listening to all the songs composed by the guys from the music ministry for the BCE was fantastic... they are all so so talented!!! I'm amazed... you go guys... (and yes, the word guys was deliberate- there are no girl-composers) wherefore art thou women? huh?

I'm coming... I'm coming... ;P