Discard the old for the new whilst doing so with astute precision

why astute? because you need to realise that certain things are meant for throwing out and certain things aren't... some things that you've done have been beneficial and deserve to remain while others haven't been... so the tricky part is deciding which to keep and which to throw out...

I chose to start anew, afresh... take it like I've never been attached to anything and anyone and start building things up from there... no doubt the past few days of mine have been dedicated to thinking... aloud on this blog... though quietly to myself... but I feel it's been one of the most touching moments in my life... as I stood up to thank God for his goodness and the wonderful people he has given me yesterday during my church's thanksgiving dinner... I truly felt the need of a christian community and I mentioned it... it's different... and it should be something you can always depend, fall back on, and be proud of... no one else has it this special... and this is something we christians can all be proud of... ;P

well, and yes my dinos cell group have been a unique bunch, bringing with it much laughter and mirth... my micah girls have been lovely and I love them alot back... (who can resist their lovable ways?)... my pastor's been ever so encouraging and rooted in the word... my parents a gentle pushing force... allowing me to learn how to have my own set of values, beliefs and goals and how to achieve them... the sibling rivalry's quite very much reduced... and I have to say that one of my new year resolutions is to find time to spend with them and be more involved in their lives...

perhaps... and also to exercise the simple 3 'M's rule: find your 1. Master, 2. Mission (which is what I'm finding and learning about now)... and after all that's certain... 3. Mate... :)

and so I've 21 new year resolutions... where the number 21's quite a reminder to myself for something I shan't mention here (you can ask me someday though... personally) it comprises of all things spiritual, mental and emotional... it was a good list made up after the long hours of thinking and I'm starting to feel excited by the grandiose ways of it all (dun worry, my targets are achieveable... not unreachable)

and to all...

Happy Belated Christmas and a Merry New Year... ")

My past, my present and my future...

Read: Philippians 3:15-21
"I press toward the goal ... Brethren, join in following my example."
Philippians 3:14,17

In his painting "An Allegory of Prudence," 16th-century Venetian artist Titian portrayed Prudence as a man with three heads. One head was of a youth facing the future, another was of a mature man eyeing the present, and the third was of a wise old man gazing at the past. Over their heads Titian wrote a Latin phrase that means, "From the example of the past, the man of the present acts prudently so as not to imperil the future."We need that kind of wisdom to overcome the anxiety created by our past failures and the fear of repeating them in the future - an anxiety that keeps us from living to the fullest now.Paul was able to "forget" his past and anticipate his future (Philippians 3:13-14). This doesn't mean his memory was erased; it means that Paul was free of any guilt or pride he may have felt from his past actions, because God had forgiven him. This attitude enabled him to live in the present and "press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (v14). So he had one driving passion - to know Christ better.As we close the chapter of 2004, let's rededicate ourselves to Christ. Jesus will enable us to live fully in the present as we gain wisdom from the past and face the future with courage. - Dennis De Haan

"Standing at the portal
Of the opening year,
Words of comfort meet us,
Hushing every fear" - Havergal

Never let a bleak past overshadow a bright future.

“Forgive us, Lord, for failures past,
Then help us to start anew
With strength and courage to obey
And closely follow You.” – Sper

“Lord, I am learning of Your power
To give me victory each hour;
As I keep walking close to You,
Your Spirit fills with life anew” – Hess

these are all taken from the Daily Bread materials that were carefully typed out by a friend of mine and have been most encouraging...

PS: Sometimes people are offended by multitude of words, and sometimes, by the lack of words spoken...

Was just thinking...

That when we think of looking back, we feel it sets us back by quite a bit... But when we don't... And continue to live life out as it is, we would have missed out on the valuable lessons that could have been learnt whilst the looking back... And thus miss out on more in the future... Reflection is vital... And I've got to get cracking... Grab those psychological stuff I intend to ponder about... Start living what I preach and start doing what I should...

and EQ can be cultivated... Nurtured... It's not mere nature... Sigh... I've never felt so lacking in both the inter and intra personal side... Relating to people can be mind-boggling at times and I actually answered a question posted here some time back... I don't have to lose my personality to purposefully blend in with others... All I have to do is to craft a way of communication... And compromise a little every now and then... Not put all my cards on the table as I used to... Start thinking more often than not of how others would feel and emphathize...

notice how the mood swings...

La! someone to be depressed alongside with me... (I know it isn't 'politically sound' to publicly voice your depression)... but it has been bad... because of these two words which unfortunately, have been hounding me night and day... Cognitive dissonance... I desperately need to be a little more attentive to my actions and beliefs and feelings... no doubt it'll be quite a challenging experience... but getting over it (if there's an end, which I doubt) would be quite an achievement and thing is, it could mean everything that's in my life getting better with it...

so I feel a little speechless about my feelings, don't know what to feel or think... sometimes, that's it isn't it? you don't know what to think or feel and you end up thinking or feeling what you think you should be feeling or thinking... not actually what you are feeling or thinking... ok... forgive my confusing statements here... it's the best I can come up with during the time I take to type this...

and because of that, one doesn't know her beliefs and end up taking on false beliefs... beliefs that don't fit in with what she wants... so naturally her actions and beliefs clash as a result and it's a horrid horrid world thereafter...

which is why I'm feeling this way... which is why I need to start thinking a little more... and feel a little more forcefully... to draw out what I want exactly and start working on it... ignoring the outside distractions or taking charge of them... and moving out in great force to be what i intend to be... and achieving achievements I should long ago have been achieving and not look back and regret any longer...

I believe the people who are successful in life would have thought through all these things by now... and what a wonderment I hadn't started earlier... it shows through my inmature ways and thinking... and i seek betterment... AC's motto speaks it with gusto and i quite enjoy the urge it gives you, to move on... the best is yet to be!

today was most meaningful... so was yesterday

I've got to say I've been learning alot the past few days and it's thanks to my older friends who have been a source of encouragement, support, feedback and ultimately creating a most warm environment for me to grow and learn... I really appreciate them...

perhaps much as I would love to say that spending time with the younger ones and being an influence- occasionally learning a little from their experiences and reminising your own is wonderful, it's more than excellent to have some older, more insightful friends around you who can offer their experiences and views...

who dares to say no to that? although yes, there's always this issue about adults starting to abandon their childlike faith and becoming more and more pessimistic with each passing day... and the other pressing issue of growing up and having too much free rein that one tends to falter and fall into the pits of the 'dark' side most easily...

and met up with a friend who came back to singapore for a break from his studies in Australia... along with a mutual friend (the way we came to know about the links we had was amazing)... fun time I had and most enjoyable... although most of it ended up in us giggling over jokes pulled on me... *grit* heh... I don't know if I offended my friend when I was viewing the photos though... cause like... well... I'm a very *hokkien channel now* chor lo girl and I hope I didn't damage them... sigh... if anything... I'm sorry... :(

oh... and I found a new fad! eating figs.. they're nice... though they sell it a little steep at nature's farm...

I ate seafood for dinner (jumbo at eastcoast is the best!) and pizza for lunch... God forgive my sinful 'gorging'... I promise to 'repent' and work out tomorrow!

It wasn't too much a blast but meaningful anyways...

Christmas was fine on its own... Went to church, and then for practice as I've mentioned and to another church for a party... Come Sunday had another feasting and now Monday was dedicated to fish and co... Sigh... I'm getting fat and I can't do anything about it...

am worried about my cca stuff now... Sigh... Now I feel so vulnerable when things don't go according to my expectations and plans... Oh why...

as for my results... Expected some crappy results already anyway and so it wasn't a surprise... I failed one... French and have to resit another module to get that one down... So it's six modules next sem for me... I only hope that I would be able to get all the modules that I plan to obtain... Because that would be part of my long term plan of my academic pursuit... All is not lost... And a limit on what you will do puts a limit of what you can do... So I shan't be discouraged nor be dismayed...

sheesh... This is what the hols were supposed to be like? And furthermore... I've got to get to buona vista tom by 930 for a meeting... oh my goodness... And he suggested 9!!! (I would be killed)

A day without you and I feel like 'dying'...

Exercise... When will I ever have free reign of my time to exercise as and when I like... Without any disturbances and other things-to-do? Yuppies... I love cheese... Something I rediscovered and added into my daily diet... Heh... And what else is there? I've finished all the sunflower seeds there are in my house... And the other nuts are in pending extinction... Chewing gum is boring... And sweets are disgusting... I can't always work up an appetite for salmon as and when I want... It's expensive and takes a long time to bake etc... I can hardly wait... So I guess this impatient little girl has to come up with a good and healthy snack she can take in between meals... Oh! And yoghurt is very much preferred... (home-made) along with occasional green-bean beverage and some gingko-barley favorites... Gee... Soon, this would turn into a sophie's diet plan life coverage if I don't stop now...

perhaps I'm rather hungry now... Craving some food but have eaten all that I want to eat at home...

and the results are but a few days away...

so many Christmas invitations... Only a day of Christmas... Which should I attend and which should I give a miss?

and I have church rehearsal on Christmas itself as well... Wow... What a way to pass the time away... God's work on a day to commemorate him... :P

I feel groggy... had not enough sleep!

and it's affecting my senses and every thought within me... I was so afraid that my meeting with my senior would be a real waste of her time since I believe that groggy minds generally don't generate much ideas nor contribute anything... nor even amounting to anything... but honestly... coffee does help and I hate to admit it but caffeine does get your stuff done in properment...

and so we have more or less gotten quite a fair bit of stuff up... and yes... I have organised my thoughts and things to do in a more meticulous order whilst still feeling the effects of the caffeine... and had a rather 'giggly' time with a good friend of mine over dinner... was high, naturally... (thanks to the caffeine)

and ayup... was trying to be a little brat by making my friend feel guilty over not having a girlfriend... aye... what was I thinking? I probably shouldn't participate in that anymore... since I don't appreciate what other guy friends of mine have been saying to me about this topic... and ironically.... we all say the same things..

and swimming's fun... ;P

yikes... I'm a nut-case! (literally)

I LOVE NUTS to bits and I can't help but munch a few along the way every now and then... just that perhaps, the 'way's have become so frequent it's becoming a 'binge' job of nuts...

and I can't help but thank God for sunday's wonderful time of worship...

and just to add to my 'unnatural' binges would be a love for preserved plums... arrrgghh... the only comfort I give to myself is the pure chance of me not liking to eat during pregnancy and thus losing the extra weight I have been carrying around... just that, that's a little too farfetched and no one would support an unborn child not having enough nutrition...

and no one has contacted me about the prc orientation camp! I wonder why...

posted a letter today harriedly without sealing it... silly me!

and I can't stop munching... oh s***

I'm at it again!

Munching, gorging... Whatever words you can use to describe a hog... Try it on me... For a minute now... No more than that... How I could ever have allowed such atrocities in my life, affecting it's sanctity, is unbelievable and totally unacceptable...

though.... I must say that the bbq does serve good food... was at my mom's cell's bbq... (great salmon mom!) and great beef kebabs... ok ok... you'd have known there must have been a compelling reason for me to gorge... good food...

and it isn't that hideous anyway... the extra fats... at least, I hope so!!! will try as best to burn it through instilling some discipline to exercise!!! )

been a little worrisome lately... over some matters of friendship and my own character... been lost to the world lately... being a little 'gone' and yet, there... I wonder why for the latter... seriously... a friend of mine had to mention that I seemed out of the world before I knew something was bothering me... to which I said I didn't know... (how very queer)

in any case, I thank God for an alert friend as such.. it's been ages since I had a friend who notices my discomfort before anything else... (or am I starting to become easily read? or perhaps my acting skills and humourous ways have gone their separate ways?)

My stage is set!

everything's going into full swing with the sudden burst of meetings and proposals and all those administrative stuff... Man... I love it so much... ;P do not think of me as a workaholic... it's just that, as everyone can emphatically agree with me, that the holidays would be a hell-boring time if nothing was planned or done... (no sense of satisfaction nor fulfillment)

so meetings after meetings would fill the voids of my holiday... accompanied with bouts of comic relief (in my wu xia comic strips) and the chunks of vcd(huan zhu ge ge)... what a wonderful world... have my family for comfort and to spend time with... meeting friends and having parties to attend... appointments to keep... etc etc etc... the list goes on forever... and i was initially afraid of not having enough money for the holidays... but seems like it's been good... God's been good... will be working for 4 days this coming january for a few quick bucks to help myself survive... actually, I'm surviving well alright! don't spend much and neither do I splurge... hee hee... (i've made it!!!)

My life's a play and it's characters, the honored ones...

Seems like my life has always been somewhat a drama, soap opera (whatever you call it)... Or rather, it has such original ideas and happenings that I wonder if those ideas on the little telly have been pilfered from my rosy yet tumultuous life?

I have recently been so packed with stuff to complete and do (despite it being the holidays) for my ccas... (but I didn't say I don't enjoy it!) and too many meetings to hold and friends to meet that I feel like crawling into a ball and simply try to hibernate by watching the telly the whole day long... but it's impossible I tell myself... for two obvious reasons:

1. I'll grow fat doing that!
2. I can't lead a recluse's life!!!

but yes it's the start of a new chapter in my life and boy does it sound exciting! french has once again been offered to me at a 'premium' and I think I'll reject it with peace... going to get my math minor instead... (applaud me please, it ain't an easy decision!) wouldn't be finding a job anytime soon and would be concentrating on my studies and ccas instead... (building up some resume substantially)... a wise decision? I hope so... although it does hurt a little when I can't be extravagant any longer... with my expenditure... got to make alot of bold cuts and sacrifices which I believe, would mould me into who I need to be... (a part of it, anyway)

and I can only sigh at such riches my friends have when they earn about a thousand each month... oh well... who said it would be easy... it's where your heart is that matters... studies? or temporal pleasure?

You mean to say I've accumulated so much?

And so much clothing and shoes I must say! I haven't a clue about the amount of these sorts in my cupboard anyhow! (perhaps because my things are always placed everywhere but where they should be) and thus my absentmindedness sometimes and my miscalculations about the amount of stuff I've got. Thank God I have kicked off my shopping habit (and only did some in china)... Otherwise, I might have a guilt-ridden conscience for the rest of my life...

and yes, today is day two of packing... And my shoe cupboard is the next to be cleaned and my clothing cupboard as well... It hasn't been easy... Looking through so many things and contemplating whether or not to throw some things away... So I kept them all... Again! (seems to kick in the idea of sentiments, huh?) for the first time... Though...

Working freak in the making...

I feel so! I'm left wondering what in the world happened to lazy little Sophie... But of course, mindless stuff like packing your very own room isn't something to be lauded for... But it's still something!

and perhaps I'm left in speechless ways how I ever accumulated all the rubbish around me, leaving me no space on my study table (which became the place-anything-but-yourself-place) *ironically* but it's all cleaned up now... And packed... And old stuff thrown away without thought... And without regrets... My only regret is that I didn't do it earlier...

sigh and the holidays are almost halfway through and I haven't so much as accomplished half the things I intended to do... Nor started on much... The myriad of dreams and ambitions with pittance of time to be squashed into...

ever wondered if a month long of holiday would do anyone any good at all? I thought it would be a relief since I have been slogging it out for what seemed like eternity... And I did get the comfort of a holiday! It was so fabulous that I don't feel like going back to school any longer... And that's quite derogatory, isn't it? I'm supposed to be excited about school... But perhaps, uni isn't much to look forward to... Considering that I don't have the bantering with friends I used to have more permanently in the earlier years of my academic pursuit...

PS: will being different lead to one being elusive? exclusive? or simply excluded?

don't blame me if I feel like migrating...

seriously! the weather there in china's so comfortingly cool and though a tad dry, isn't too harsh an environment to be in (at least for the time I was there)

of course, it isn't just the weather... it's everything! China so different from the last time I saw it- six years ago. More modern, advanced, hip (yes, hip) and whatever other words you can use to describe it with... ;P I thoroughly enjoyed my poor-deprived self and of course, as in all tours, didn't get sufficient sleep, but nonetheless had boundless energy to be prancing about and climbing the great wall etc. with such gusto...

forgive me then, fellow brethren, if I start to spout chinese poetry and bury myself in the rich culture and history of the people there... I've never been so in touch with my roots and man am I proud to be a chinese! (you would never have caught me saying that any time when I was little, ever!)

the food's good, the people competitively good looking and the shopping's wondrously cheap... what more could I ask for?

oh yes, the nights were spent doing my little Bible studies and I feel spiritually energised... (although I didn't participate in my church's youth camp due to the clash of my holidays and the camp) and I feel that so much have passed since the ten day holiday of mine... I have learnt how to love and accomodate my family and enjoy time with them. I have also learnt to help out more at home to find ownership within the space of my own home... not to mention also, treasure moments spent with them... it's all very precious to me... ;)