Well, well! What do you know?

I'll be leaving for china tomorrow night! And Amen to a well-deserved break (as long as I keep optimistic that I won't do too badly for my modules) !!! Sigh... and I think it'll be rather presumptuous but I think today was well spent... went for breakfast with my parents today and had my favorite peanut pancake... then went to the bank and learnt a whole lot of stuff about bonds and interest payments etc... (how much akin to financial accounting!)

then I went home and did some planning for my ccas and packed my bags... ok.. bag... and well, helped to clean up the house? and ate and here I am... ;P

must be the previous days' workout that whetted my appetite for more work to do... oh if only this sort of motivation carries on in greater drafts... I'll be ms 'a's... ah huh... oh well...

I'm entirely usurped of my energy...

Usurped it is.... and with no credits given to anyone at all, except myself... I haven't been sleeping good... (notice I didn't use the word "well" - as sleeping little is a choice I made out of my own freewill and am not compelled to... at all...

ok, I was supposed to go out with two of my friends tomorrow... but sigh... I think that I'm far too tired to do anything... and I desperately need to pack my bags for my trip... should be exciting... ah huh... so it'll be making up of dates after my holidays... (and not to mention- big time dating...)

gee, please don't mistake it for dating as in classical dating... I tend to go for the platonic dating... with no broth added, thank you very much...

the incredibles was incredible! (I notice my tiredness has gone up to my brains... lacklustre performance in the vocabulary section today is no preference of mine) and I needn't say more: for two reasons, specifically...

1. I'm 'shagged' and there's nothing I would love more than less information output
2. what else to say to an incredible film? ;P

am I that much of an elitist?

well, somewhat... and an honest confession from a good friend is a little more soberness than usual... but I admire that and honour that openness... am I that incomprehensible? or am I that much of an elitist? either way, I got to find a way to connect... who knows? for all I've tried to decipher and probe... I might have come across the root problem... although only now...

to give up one's personality? or to purposefully blend in and become one of them? somehow, that leaves alot to be thought out and alot to comprehend and alot to make decisions on..

ever heard of free birds?

I'm free now... but somehow, like birds freed from the cages, I'm having second thoughts about the after-exams... not that I don't like it... I love it to bits! the past few after-exam-hours have been great... took it out on a table-tennis game and going to play some tennis tomorrow!!! haha... I'm loving it man... but.... the worse is yet to come.. I've a gazillion things to accomplish for my ccas and man am I feeling 'shagged' just thinking about it.. plus, not that I have alot of time to accomplish it! arrggghhhh... and not forgetting, alot of people to meet and alot of things to buy... (nope, I haven't gotten back to my shopping craze)

and... to top it all, I have a humongous task to accomplish... pack my room... it's sprawling... the piles of books... I used to not have any space on my table to write anything... and now... least I can put a labby... yay... consider it a huge achievement!!! *clap clap clap*

world? what world?

"Eloise" is a play about a girl with the most vibrant imagination and she's got it all... an irritating but fun-loving spirit, a trouble-making, yet kind-hearted being... I love her to bits as she taught me a thing or two about knowing what you should want in life and to live it out, without any regrets to boot later...

world? what world? can be categorized as my exasperated cry for freedom, and yet, it could mean I loathe the way life is going on now and I should be doing something about it, no? the exams are tomorrow... and I haven't been studying more nor getting myself ready at all... God help me, this disobedient and insolent girl with bratty thoughts and heckish ways...

I need to sleep... otherwise I'll be living in bafflement tomorrow..

my dear girl, you're most mistaken...

yes, and i must say that to myself... for I thought before that with the first three exams over, I would be able to solidly concentrate on the last paper... on saturday... unfortunately... seems it hasn't been true, so far... perhaps it's because I was suffering from a time difference... not that I traveled somewhere recently... but the caffeine I had been drinking for the past few days had left me with less sleep and a faster pace of life... which, of course, all at once was too sudden for my poor body to adjust to... and not to be conquered by it... I stopped taking coffee today of course... and the after effects were frightening, as always... but slept it through... no problem now... except that I spent alot of time recovering from that...

so now it's business law and nothing else... just you and me baby... you had better be good... I had been fried and dipped into a plunges of cold water for the past few days... the papers were excruciating... hope is still in me for an easier paper this coming saturday... though fading... and I'm starting to resign to it all...

hm... this coming saturday... am still wondering at it... where should I go to throw it all away? (this is a literal expression for throwing the stress, not the books...)

I'm sandwiched between not having cognitive dissonance and a desire to break free

I'm sandwiched between not having cognitive dissonance and a desire to break free! not that these two are compellingly different such that I'll only have the pleasure of taking up either one...

yes, it's surprisingly no cognitive dissonance so far... and thank God for that.. all credit must go to him...in fact, I don't think I could have ever done it alone... after all, it's such a feat to be going about studying for somewhat-arts subjects when I have been a boorish-looking-science-freak for such a long time now... ok, maybe drop the "boorish looking"- I never looked the part... but science freak I was! a chance for me then to get away from the 'real' world and live in the surreal... from using up too much of my brains to think about complex social issues and to just swallow up huge servings of science facts that needn't a genius to comprehend... I've been lazy... and I dare say that perhaps arts and science individually, is tough enough, but putting them together and making sense of it all takes a lot of ingenuity...

so perhaps my brain's overworked... oh well... it should have been working more since a long time ago... like in secondary school?

wo de xing zhong zhi huan...

help... my anxiousness isn't allayed in any way and I can't help but feel very disconcerted about the whole examinations thingy... yes, it's been two papers over and unless a miracle happens... I don't think my prospects look too good currently...

and I haven't been slacking... for a few days... the last few days have been cramming sessions which... of course, compared to full fledge studying, is nothing... but I hope miracles still happen... and I pray that things would only get better... perhaps I might think I'll be really glad the exams would be over soon... but perhaps all too soon... I'd rather a little more time... then again, no one's ever happy with what they have... it's either too short or too draggy...

but there again, are my fantastic friends who have been really encouraging and have been nagging at me to study and do my best... thank God for friends like them... what would I do without them? and of course, with my family praying for me... even if I was really disappointed... I should be disappointed I didn't do better than better... but did I? and if it hasn't... things should start changing from tomorrow's paper!!!!

Nerd institution starting in three, two.. one...

I'm a celebrity in my own rights...

it's just going to be a stretch of several days more... although I would have gladly wished I had some more time to study... since I don't think that I might have gotten enough of the concepts as I would like to have had...

and going out with different friends for different days... yay... going back to my 'busy' schedule... somewhat like a celebrity in my own rights and traveling off to another part of the world after those 'dates'... wow... life's seems beautiful... but I better ensure it doesn't stop at the release of results... go girl, keep going... whatever you've got, just give it all back... it won't hurt to pressurize yourself a little more now, knowing what's coming after... ;P

I would like to say that there never has been a better holiday to look forward to than this one... I doubt I know the reason... but the best explanation I can find is probably... that uni life is enjoyable... and hasn't enebriated my mind of what's nice and what's not... coupled with no assignments over the holidays... I foresee what pleasure!

a subjugated female with limited scope in life..

subjugated to my own laziness... although I would like that very much to change... and I will force it to... I need to! at all costs... the exams are frighteningly near... yet I have not done so much as to start much on anything... except play for the past few days... and concentrating on being so unproductive that I never fail to gasp in surprise...

I need more motivation in life... but somehow... the momentum doesn't seem to be there... and every time I feel more or less settled about studying, there my family goes dragging me elsewhere... to eat out... or play or something...

sigh... somehow... it really is hard to be an adult... you can't have anyone shouting themselves hoarse at you to study anymore... and your blood is on your own head... ouch to that...

mixed feelings about everything...

well, first and foremost, I would say that I'm not too excited about failing my final french test and doing so badly in the oral as well... but my econs homework just came back to us, we did well, thank God... and the part I submitted had full marks! (for the first time...)

so here am I, feeling a little mixed up... and I hope the studying had gone on well... I'm still lagging... totally... and got to give tuition a little later... am trying to balance my studying with keeping sane and exercising... which, I have done for about twice this week so far... and today I would be playing some tennis... only if the weather allows it... practice court... should be rather interesting... wonder if I still have that same stamina to last through even a little game play... against myself... or maybe more? feeling like I'm slowly finding back my jc fitness... the only difference is that the motivation is totally different... in jc, it was to beat the competition, now, it's to beat the fats and stress and increase the endorphines...

and yay, I've got a date to look forward to... after the exams... precisely 27th november 2004, 5pm...

and yes I baked yesterday.. the butterless cake tasted like a rather liquidless rock (but nice) and the butter orange cake tasted great! and yes, I ate durian yesterday as well... and man was yesterday a fats eating day... sigh... good thing playing sports later today...

although I still got to give tuition... ;

Someone try telling me he doesn't care...

Everytime I doubt God's taking care of me, he'll always remind me in the most chance-defying way... a way I remember his goodness and grace... and I see pieces and bits of my life (especially the pained parts) coming altogether to build me to what I would be for him... although I don't know what exactly...

and happier times and friends would wish me well (whom I would also meet up in the most timely manner, with encouragement and smiles all around), brightening my dawdy day and chasing the mundane blues away...

I really hope to be strong in this difficult time... and someone try telling me that university life's easy! well, it seems... at least before you get the crunch with all that homework piling up!

I need to study, God... would you help me study well, hard and thorough? and may I be disciplined in my doings and never wondering what could have been or could be, except what you have destined for me... ;P

A New Conviction...

A radical change from what I used to be? Perhaps and hopefully... I hope to dutifully carry out what I have been harping on for the past few months... be nice... stay healthy and sporty and fit, and stay sane... yupz... not too much to ask isn't it? I hope to be nice to the people whom I used to be rather mean to, change my ideas and thoughts as and when necessary, exercise even when I feel like puking, and study although through the process I might become insane... *Grin*

quite heckish of everything lately... not caring about anyone other than my 'poor' self since I have been uncharacteristically sluggish and pained all over...

and no, I am not a vegetarian, Karen! I'm not entirely abstaining from meat, just that, I don't wish to gain those muscles especially when I have been exercising a little more now... it can get very unsightly... I do eat some, only those in subway sandwiches... hee hee...

the only meat I love to bits is fish right now... steamed, broiled, baked etc... I'll eat them all!!! ")

Subway Melt's superbly nice!!!

sheesh... I can't believe it...

I can't believe that after so much watching of diet and exercising, I've actually gained weight! This is utterly ridiculous... my only comfort is that I think I actually look better in my clothes anyway... hmm... perhaps the weight is due to my muscles toning up after such a long time of not exercising?

well, at least it's something to rejoice over despite the sad news... oh... just remembered what that guy said to me during the time when I went over to Nature's Farm and bought some vitamins... he said that the weight is never a good indication of one's improvement and fitness... in fact, if I want to be fit and stay fit, it would mean more weight increment... despite looking smaller... question is: have I achieved the maximum benefit? and not gained weight because of lack of discipline? seems like these days, I have been gorging like no one's business and it's the stupidest thing to do since I've been working so hard at it... for weeks... and poof! there it goes down the gutter... along with the time spent and sacrifices made... it all goes to show something... it ain't worth it and it shouldn't be such a large part of my thoughts and life! (at least a lesson learnt)

oh and I finally bought a sports watch... a relatively cheap one... now I needn't worry that my precious watches might be crushed whenever I play my sports... wanted to play tennis today and swim even... but the weather... sigh... tomorrow then...

Girl, you need to stop eating what you burnt off to lose it!!!

I'm so tired and scared...

scared cause there are so many things that I have yet to touch on and it would certainly not be easy to score well... some things have been only getting more bleary than ever and not getting any clearer... I'm tired and I don't know why... tomorrow's the big french test and right now I have to concentrate on it but my mind's too dead to pick anything up... (I better, somehow, anyhow, anyway...)

and after tomorrow's big test, it would be next week's oral test and only after that would I truly feel a sense of relief to study the rest of the subjects... legal's been rather threatening lately when I attempt to conceive all the ideas and law involved in each case... economics has been interesting in the sense that I enjoy the whole concepts now caught but it isn't exactly caught with two very steady hands as I would have liked... financial accounting is rather alot to memorise and read up... and marketing's a list of short stories that has yet to be grasped simply because the lecturer doesn't make much of anything when she lectures... which leaves us enslaved as prisoners to our own ideas...

ha... even if I was spoon-fed... I wouldn't the time to be fed anyway... so perhaps things are better the way it seems now... just that... God... please... help me with these two french tests... and thereafter, will I have a better peace of mind...

*zapped*

I hate myself...

due to some complications within my own computer, I actually could not send the presentation to my tutor in time... and she's going to cut our marks for that even though we had done a really good presentation the other time... sigh... what a fool I'm making myself to be...

I hate myself... why am I always so blur? (wait, I'm not always so blur but ever since JC started, when the work load started getting heavier, I've been forgetting about this and that every here and there) perhaps it's too much things going on in my life and I can't seem to handle it all? maybe I do need to cut down until I get the hang of things? but there's such a logic as to throw someone into the swimming pool to learn how to swim.. and another rebuttal would include: it's swimming, not competitive swimming... "(

if I want to succeed, I've got to come up with a better strategy than this, definitely... and if I need to stay in competition, I've got to give all I've got from now onwards, and the nerd institution I'm in would no longer be something I choose to take part in, but have no choice other than to include myself in...

no pain, no gain... no exercise, forget appetite, no planning and implementing, no successes happening...