lost all my schedule and data...

so guys if you happen to see this blog post do remind my poor mind of any prior appointments i have made with you. :(

my clie broke down... don't know if 'broke down' is the right word to use... but ya i can't find any data for now...

and trying to salvage what little i can remember from my memory, which has been used to the use of the PDA for so long...

well a new start needs a new PDA as well ain't it? only problem is: who is going to sponsor me? :(

why?

why is it that when you thought that everything was settled everything starts to surface again? why is it that when you think that everything is a wreck something comes along your way to redeem it?

and why is it that though i have failed the Lord Jesus so many times he is still ever faithful?
why is it that though I have made wrong choices so many times along the way he still cares?

why is it that an unlovable person like me has people to love and cherish me?
why is it that people go confused and get irritated by me?

God i thank you for answering my many prayers... thanks for showing me your wisdom and grace. thanks for making things happen the moment i start praying about them. and thanks for guarding and protecting my heart. thanks for helping me discern the situation. thanks for giving me the peace despite it all. thanks for giving me great friends along the way to help me out. thanks for wonderful times I have spent with my loved ones.

but i don't know what to do right now Lord Jesus. No one knows the future but i want to keep praying and discerning along the way. till i fully realise your perfection and glory in my life.

heal our hurts... help us to get over the past and get moving onwards.

soaked.

tomorrow calls for a day of smiles... all whilst being rather uptight about not having enough time to practice for my biz com presentation!

going to have my lecture from 10-12, thereafter a short lunch and then meeting with my biz com group till 230. after which i have to meet pamela at 240 at kr terminal to meet jonathan for the t shirt stuff at 3 at clementi... then it's back to school at 4 for me for cg as well as to get some payment vouchers from my friend under aiesec.. not to forget another friend at 530 as well...

just as well... to get everything over and done with!

and probably i would just go ahead to buy some files and fill in the payment voucher myself for the files... :)

why ever not? kill all the birds with one shot.

and it threatens to kill me with one fell swop as well. I might get too tired. God help me... Thursday is my big presentation that i cannot ever screw up...

*grit*

before i get soaking wet...

i had better clear my soaked head of useless matter that would compell me not to study as i should and try to prove that i cannot prove myself to be a good steward of the time and strength that the Lord has given to me... :)

i just got back my Management science test and man it is totally so disappointing... imagine bottom 20%... stated right there...

then I really cried out to the Lord and i know that he answered me. The next quiz i took today was for my finance and i quite believe i must have gotten a 5... out of 5... Ah small but redeeming moments that the Lord gives... a small comfort but nevertheless nice to have... :)

and i was overwhelmed with the whole load of stuff that threatened to take away my happier moments today... had class from 10-11, lunch followed and 12-2 was my lecture... 2-5 was my biz com meeting, 5-6 was my finance tutorial and quiz combined, 6-730 was my meeting with my apb group and thereafter had to meet my senior from aiesec who gave me a whole load of stuff to do which, thank God i have achieved almost all of them...

though that would mean me not being able to relax and do what i intended to do this week... but heck with it... i need to get it done and good. not procrastinate anymore. get the studying done...

did i mention that my phone bill this month would be soaring with all the work that needs to be communicated and done? sheesh...

and i realised that sometimes, what lies beneath is much greater a wealth than you imagined... :)

and yes today makes 4 months... so much has happened and so much has changed. need not a week to make someone quite different from what he/she is to be!

tired. shagged. lethargic. eyes wide shut.

very tired for the lack of sleep which was compelling and not dictated by myself.. i really honestly wanted to sleep late for the whole of the weekend but the thing is: i couldn't!

had to wake up early... biological clock's ticking... tomorrow i have to get up at 6 again... and sometimes you wonder at your body's ability to tick even whilst everything else isn't...

sleepy..... zzzzzzzzzz......

but ps: thank God for wonderful sisters who avail themselves to his service... talk things out with you and are genuinely concerned about you... :)

a purpose in everything...

and now i am starting to see the things that i wouldn't have had i not been given the opportunities to... being with people makes you see the uglier sides of them... but are you willing to take it all in? then it would inevitably bring me back to square one. i believe i was wise in not taking any rash moves but what God desired for me to see and do...

you don't miss your water till your well runs dry...

the purpose was for me to see the differences in everyone and the things that i have been deliberating about have been exposed... been thought through... now i'm trying to reach some sort of a concensus... and it gets tough when everyone tries to put in their very-much-valued-by-me opinions...

which makes me listen to these advice... but heeding them is another matter... there's wisdom in not following what everyone else says... but choosing what God desires for me...

at my age, getting attached should be a funny thing to have it seems... but why are we all embroiled in it? we don't have finances... the guys the girls want to marry have absolutely no idea about marriage and all it entails... the girls the guys want to marry are immature and not ready for the life of a wife nor mother at all... of course this doesn't apply to just everyone... but honestly! seeing myself with a baby would just put me into hyperventilation... for now... haha... it might be different in the future...

;)

who knows what tomorrow brings?

and i have a feeling that it's not the end of things... i have a new hope for something even greater... i'm not asking for the world nor hoping on a chance that i should not hold on to for now... i'm just happy, at peace and rest and with joy... which one can never know how it feels like unless one goes through a week of lack of rest and weird gastronomical time clocks, and stress... i admit. i was stressed. i was upset. but the tears must stop flowing and the strength must keep coming... :)

a new hope, yet i hurt... so bad.

every beat of my heart.

so here we stand
anchored in hope
letting the rain wash away every fear

stars in the sky
twinkle and shine
i pray they won't disappear

cause i don't know
where your journey goes
or how long it would take to unfold
but as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
i will be watching over every beat of your heart

i wish that time
could be replayed
i'd keep you here with me everyday

cause i don't know
where your journey goes
or how long it would take to unfold
but as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
i know you're watching over every beat of my heart

Everything in its time

sometimes i wonder what lies ahead
how long till my hunger is fed
they said it's hard to make it in this part of town
so many people on the merry-go-round

some folks try astrology
some turn to crystal balls
to find an answer to get through it all
i just fall on my knees and i start to pray
in the silence i can hear him say

the river runs and the river hides
out to the ocean and under the sky
i promise you the answer will come
hold on to patience and watch for the sign
everything in its time

i often feel like i'm two steps behind
somebody must have moved that finish line
there are a thousand reasons why i should give up
but i'm stubborn in the things i believe

the river runs and the river hides
out to the ocean and under the sky
i promise you the answer will come
hold on to patience and watch for the sign

cause maybe there's another plan
one i still can't see
a little surprise, like your love in my life
funny how time changes how we see

the river runs and the river hides
out to the ocean and under the sky
i promise you the answer will come
hold on to patience and watch for the sign
everything in its time
everything in its time

someone asked...

the difference between an optimist and a person who is joyful in the Lord...

an optimist won't last long if he or she doesn't have a clear mindset of a definite better future... and a joyful person? oh he or she will last... because his or her hope doesn't lie in an uncertain probable positive future but a definite hope that lasts more than a lifetime...

yet sometimes it seems so intangible one gets tired of waiting for the coming and get distracted with the worldly things around one...

i have been so blessed with two very giving, extremely understanding and godly persons in my life. one of whom i have yet to know more of... another i know for sure that God has put into my life to teach me disciplines which were never that familiar to me nor was i accepting of those. yet God showed me his great power and might in changing the person i am and have within...

this episode has taught me to rejoice in the Lord at all times, know of his goodness as a mandate, trust in his wisdom. and he gives wisdom to all who ask for it... and i know i shall find it...

this episode hasn't ended... but i that for every episode God has a purpose and plan. a purpose to change us into beings more for his glory and of his liking and character... more and more each day we find ourselves being morphed into characters we never would have thought possible of ourselves before...

and face new situations that are so new and fresh... and find courage in others' courage and strength, which they draw from our Lord Jesus...

The trials have been tough... will continue to be tough... but i know for sure that God has set a way ahead for me... a path that leads me to his glory... :)

they say...

they say you will never truly know a person's mind and character until you put that one person into hot water and he or she starts to exude the aroma character... or rather, in my case, the lack of it.

yet i really thank God for the people whom he has placed so strategically in my life... whether or not they would be with me forever, i have yet to see and know... most of them have such strong characters that honestly, i feel ashamed i'm me.

Godly, compassionate, forgiving, always seeking the good in others, committed... etc... the list goes on... but sometimes i wonder if i'm worth God's trying to rework alot of things in me... of course the tys answer would be that he would and he will... and i know he would and will... but how?

how much is too much and how much would mean imposing on being the person that God has called me to become? how much would mean i have to change to become more and more like someone else? rather than me?

family pressure is good, when it spurs you on... but sometimes it's the very thing that causes you to rethink and reconsider... feel affectedly uncertain and shakened. and sometimes a series of events would occur to make you feel so much of your cruel and naked self that you're afraid to face it. afraid to undo it. afraid to do anything. because it might mean wrong choices, inconveniences, a whole life time of guilt and a whole life time of regrets...

God, what should i do that's in order with your will? what shall i do to gain the wisdom i need? what shall i do to make the right choices?

shall i focus entirely on you and not have a care for the world? ( for now) or shall i strike a balance? or shall i make haste decisions and try to applease? and i might regret later in the future...

God, i have been stupid before not to consider many things.. let me not fall into it again...

just happy.

we had dinner not too long ago but it was enlightening and all nice and sweet... :)

more tests and stuff coming my way but i am not feeling too much of the heat currently... not too much to be anxious nor worried about for now... just 3 more tests and 1 more presentation? :)

and 2 more worship sessions... which i found inspiration for whilst at cg just now... had the inspiration from listening to the week of my friends... and the bible made sense to me in certain ways suddenly... :)

ate alot and it was sinful but heck. yesterday i had extra servings of cakes and what nots but i don't seem to mind that much anymore...

not to mention the days before prior to my birthday and during...

just trying to stay happy. just happy.

bday blues gone awry..

cause i just realised that my biz com summary is supposed to be a summary which doesn't seem to adhere to my standards of a summary... honestly i feel that the summary was too short and non-descriptive of the cruz of the whole report and tried to cut down from 9 pages of summary (mind you) to just 3 pages... but it wasn't good enough. she wanted 2... haiz.. don't know if i would get penalized la... i think most definitely so.. but what to do? just got to do extremely well for my up-coming presentations for biz com.. super high percentage weightage...

and the bday has been smses smses and more smses throughout the day... :o) kept the smile on my face along with the tortures of going to school on my bday, having a really long day and yes, having to do so much prior to it and whilst enjoying it... (but then again i've started to become rather crazy in my thinking - i love work) so i guess it's a little different here...

and i realised that yes i'm really the diplomat... haiz... not that i don't wish to go straight to some points but after thinking through why i do the things i do i've realised it resulted due to my affinity for offending alot of people in the past with my words... thus.. well... once bitten twice shy? and i do enjoy the whole challenge of telling somethings with subtly spoken indications...

that's me...

crazy me.

if i could have three requests granted:

1. Make the people i love happy

2. Help me find wisdom and understanding in everything i do

3. What else? Higher metabolism to stay slim la... hehe.. gives me liberty to eat without any regrets!

was talking to my friend today about school and basically everything... was sharing all my mission trip experiences and trips overseas... hehe.. sometimes i don't see the insanity within me until someone else more rationale starts to ask what i used to do... and deduce the incredulous life i live...

hypothesis: Sophie's nuts.
Conclusion: proven!

best bday gift: friends.

I really want to thank all of you at church who made my bday sweet and pleasant in a simple way: remembering. and thanks for all the cards and the chocolate cake (which i had earlier contemplated not having or my family celebration but God knew i wanted chocolate cake so i guess he provided) !

will be celebrating with my family a little while later... :)

thinking of all the wonderful food that would be to come already... *slurp*

present God gave to me? well those who have been reading marcus' blog would know that he has two friends from church who are going to the same university as i am and leaving at around the same time for the US in december! amazing isn't it? and we would be booking our air tickets together... i didn't have to worry too much... he knew he gave he always knows...

so what if I have to submit a ton of stuff tomorrow? :)

and thanks welli, for remembering my bday as well... you're definitely not forgotten... :)

it's been disheartening yet heartening...

dishearting to learn of the exam results but heartening whilst looking through some of my friends' profile over friendster and discovered that alot of them who used to be non-christians are now in the faith! :) A huge amen to that and i'm so very glad so many more would be coming along as well...

and it's amazing how you remember you once prayed for their salvation when friendship was deep and bonded at that time... and now you wonder how ever did God plan the whole thing!

i guess we will never know about everything but it's good to take everyday as your last as well... everytime i remind myself the fact that today could very well be my last, i immediately beam in relief that i still have today to be a victor over... let tomorrow worry about itself.. I've learnt. and let today be what you're going to use to be all you can be for Jesus... :)

now i don't seem too disheartened nor stressed. in good time i'll see the miracle of Christ in me... in good time... the failures' purpose would be revealed. in good time i'll see how everything on earth was pre-planned knowing that it has already been so...

in good time, enlightenment. :)

wow. and ow.

had so much to eat yesterday at the oriental hotel, Melt the world cafe... ate so much i could have rolled back home... but perhaps after i succeed in getting out of my seat? :)

and i did! :)

chocolate fountain, mussels, prawns, lobster, chicken, lamb, fish kebabs... dessert from all kinds of cuisine... very international... very very wide selection... had like 3 slices of chocolate cake, ice-cream atop a waffle... chocolate filled fruits... and jelly and more chocolate. probably more than 5500 calories altogether... trust me... i know how to count!

but i also know how to count happiness... even whilst the economists can't... haha... well it was to celebrate mine and marcus' dad's bdays...

tonight's going to be long. got to go to practise for jessie's wedding... hear the dings and dongs coming... :)

pleasant surprise!

i never thought for a moment that my german friend would have a chinese girl for a gf! but she's lived in germany since she was three... though her roots are still quite prominent in her choice of china as a place to do her intenship... :)

nice girl, pretty girl. nice surprise. I'm glad.

and i have to write some more for my asia pacific project! but i'm not complaining since i just left a meeting which we had to discuss alot of the stuff that we have to write... knowing me, i'd just write down every single thing we've discussed, collate it in my way somehow and it's going to be sentence or point and linker and sentence or point... hehee... shouldn't be such an issue. just repetitive.

who's complaining? :)

the lack of activities of the brain right now has left me stumped. hehe... probably because the past few days of studying have been quite a different thing from the projected week ahead. week ahead includes personal executive summary, 2 reports to hand up, and a presentation... all on monday.

and the nice thing? I get to submit all that on my bday... wow... I'm not being sarcastic here. in fact i think this is the best bday present i would have in a long time... being relieved of the stuff i have to do for the semester... well.. at least part of it...

:)

pimple.

pimple on my forehead. horrible thing but i read somewhere in some chinese sin-seh book that its probably because i now have a weaker stomach in some sense and stuff like that... guess it's true... these days it's been meat buffet for me and seriously need more intake of veggies or else... *shudders*

and the bali bombings have taken everyone's discussions by storm... me included. haiz. i thought for a moment that the safest place is the most dangerous place. because well, i didn't think that people would want to spend their money bombing an area that has been bombed before since the kills per bomb would have decimated.

but no. we're talking about people who are actually non-logical, all for the fundamentals and none for their fellow men...

sad isn't it?

classes have been ending consecutively early twice in a row... been a good experience. anyway, what needed to be covered was covered. we shouldn't be too bothered about that. though that calls for some form of distress! it's horrible to imagine that no one had questions on the tutorial. that makes everyone really good in the subject now. oh the horrors of more competition!

then again, it might mean that everyone's been studying for the exams and not having the time to complete their tutorials... more horrors... competition in the exams. haiz. whatever.

learnt to not care, not want, nor despair. whatever will be will be.

lugged a whole load of materials to refer to for the test later. in 45 min. I hope it'll be worth it.

:)