I'm feeling a little eluded now...

eluded is the word... that someone else used to describe himself when he was in the pits, the trenches of his life... seemingly having everything and yet nothing within... now I comprehend his actions and his doings... I finally have pieced everything together... and why is this knowledge given to me? I don't have to know it do it? or maybe it's God's subtle way of telling me how it could have gone this way for me as well... and right now I'm starting to feel as if I'm not very far from it all... :(

I just am pretty much too laid back this week with my classes... I haven't attended half of them for this week... and I'm starting to get rather disoriented... the reason is something I have been pondering but not finding as yet...

I guess the hype of it all has passed and gone... a new situation arises... emptiness... can I face up to it? true loneliness... is something I never really experienced in my life... I could talk to the next girl beside me just like that and make friends all of a sudden... it doesn't take much... perhaps it's much harder for me not to do so when I feel like doing so...

and reflect... and think to myself... and immerse in his love... which, I haven't been making a habit too much I know...

emotionally... this sem has been harder than I thought... sigh and last semester it was the work i had to do... when will it all end?

and conversations with some of my friends have shown me that the smarter one is, really... the more things one can handle all at once... which, as I shall explain later... is deregatory... the smart kid with good results is such a 'sucker' because other than knowing how to study, he knows nuts? you got to be kidding... there are kids so smart at covering up events and things in their lives with such good results that one never suspects his/her 'other life'... and friends so smart at playing the political game that you start to suspect whether you're part of the network of gossip or out of it... or just deluded? or maybe we're just objects of discussion... or objects of inituitive study... nothing much and nothing too fancy... or made used of?

I'm still useful... now that I know that I have tried to counsel girls younger than myself and talk them out of dating too young and get married for all the wrong reasons... and been rather successful in a sense... but we can try to do everything... God causes the growth... :)

and I realise my surprising sobriety amidst this emptiness... so maybe it ain't emptiness... but merely a time for me to reflect and think... aloud or passively... whichever can be more comfortable...

God, why? why do I have to put up with more of this political "****" and try to guard myself in the process? it ain't fun at all... it ain't... just ain't... but I suppose... no one out there's really that innocent anyways... we're all dirtbags... really...