wedge.

really nice how i didn't look into the textbook-style readings he gave us, haven't practised in two weeks (which is horrendously long in golf), and just observed everything he did and said and just did it. ball flew high and nice... was using the pitch... really nice motion of the ball... :)

phil finally praised :) I don't need no praises for picking up this golf game but there are times i doubt whether i have been doing the correct thing therefore needing confirmation on that one...

your blog post was classic my dear... pure class... *grin*

some thoughts

What i posted in hof-ccr.blogspot.com (just to share)

"it's not about the service isn't it? it's more about who's in the service... it's not about going to a service every week or cell group every friday... it's why you're there for... fellowship? fellowship with God?

if your answer was the latter... i worry for you... fellowship with God is everywhere, anytime, any place... cell group doesn't give you extra 'anointing' to revel in his presence... but the people.. the friends you make along the way in your christian walk... they are crucial...

God didn't make for people to be alone and lonely... he created us to share and to encourage.. to uphold in prayer and in service... to serve one another... as he called us to be servants... for his glory... we revel in the friends he has given us.. and we're privileged to call them our brothers and sisters in Christ! what an honour!

I have been blessed to have seen God really working through dinos myself... we have started to pray more fervently for each other... i feel very much more bonded in this cell group for the simple fact that our communion is not through human means... but our communion is locked in with the juices of God's love... *sounds like chicken on roast huh? :)*

People... let's make HoF not just a happening place.. not just a place where we can be accepted for our anntics... not just a place where we can be frank, stick to one another during our spare time or even dig out time to be with each other... let this place be a place with the fullness of God's love... where in your darkess moments, you know you can reach out to any random person to pray there and then for you... where you can share your darkess secrets and not be shied away from... where you know God's love prevails in our hearts. "

God bless,
Sophie.

dang, missed one session...

of gym... *sob*

but yesterday was so so fun! from the same t-shirt colours to the difference in eating habits- what a discovery that was... hehe... to the photo we took for wall paper's sake and his cooking... goodness gracious me... the fish tasted so so good... don't think i'd be going to any restaurant soon... since i get the better deal here now... *smile*

but i must say i finally made salad sound and taste good for his sake... my salad was a mix of all the stuff i really really like really... :) no not coleslaw... but butter lettuce, tomatoes, olives, capers, pineapples, red cabbage, shitake mushrooms, and some low-fat dressing... sounds good huh? please do not puke... for those with absolute hate for salad... *grit*

thanks for helping me out with the video thingy... I really really appreciate it... will make it up... :)

and to my dear friend in NZ, stay strong in the Lord and be of good courage... been praying for you... :)

to my golf coach who'll probably never visit this blog... I'm so sorry i didn't practice last week... *argh*

my finance plan has to be out by tonight... as well as the articles i have to write for epi... hopefully this weekend... and erm... got to liase with tong for the ER finance stuff... plan for my cell's going down to HAW... publicity for foc for anntic... not too bad la... huh? *I'd like not to believe I'm dying... so got to be optimistic!*

*cold laugh*

I want to go shopping.. i need to destress... but i kicked off the habit like so so long ago already la... argh... get rid of it get rid of it... get rid of the urge.. but funny thing is... me and my mom kinda shop every weekend... think you get two stressed ladies here... wonder what my dad does to destress? :) or my brother? or sister?

i don't know why...

I don't know and don't understand why I'm perpectually busy... and it only came to my realisation when i started evaluating the time i had to spend with him, my family and friends... even my date with my cousin has been left on hold for the longest time... :(

and my activities are so numerous... and so time-consuming... that i wonder why i do the things i do especially they start clashing and my occasional tiredness gives in to grumbles... but i don't complain... don't want to complain... think that while yes i need to take a step back... have been taking baby steps back now... and it'll all lapse into one big US exchange... what a plan! :)

so maybe i do.. but what's most important is that i get the understanding from my family... we work our schedules out to have common meals together... albeit at the expense of my spending some time with people such as my church friends... haiz... but i try as and whenever i can... go for every cell meeting as i can... i'm trying to be everywhere at once... but time doesn't permit sometimes...

thing is... i love the commitments! it so energises me.. guess that's about being an extrovert... you get energised from outside stuff... but I also believe God wants me to work things out so that i learn to be freer for other commitments i have never taken to...

it gives me peace to know also, that being still doesn't equate to being free... it means to rest in him whether or not a busy schedule beckons... :)

The river runs...

blessed :)

great cookout being later and i cannot wait actually... ;P

I've cleared all silly feelings of being upset with a good night's rest. and speaking to sensible enough people... ")

some people are just too irritating though, but maybe i do need to hear what i do need to hear... perhaps further confirmation might just may be what i need right now all the more so when i think it's unnecessary... yup... then i can enjoy this one thing that would last a lifetime... (please don't take this into context with yourself at any one time...)

He's more than enough for me...

sometimes i wonder why people do feel lonely, agitated, angry etc... but i realised it's innate actually... and none of us can ever deny those sorts of feelings of ours... I'm just so blessed to have a wonderful God who understands... who gave me wonderful friends who understand and advise.. as well as loving and supportive parents...

ya sometimes the frustration takes over, i must admit. My dad was trying to speak to me the other day regarding relationships... and i must say that he has his point... but he still has to learn to let go and let me go... after which, i really prayed that he would understand and he did... but i have to learn how to understand him as well... after all... 'giving' his girl away should be hard... more so since she has a mind of her own... :)

and all's clear now... I know what to do and what not to... the spirit guides and leads... :)

you know who your true friends are when they don't run...

What else do you need when you've got friends who befriend you for certain purposes and you only realise it when something significant happens to you that robs them of all reason to befriend you?

well. that's life... :(

more yet to come? haiz... i had a talk with a friend of mine just and he told me to be 'hen'... just be totally objective and evil... sometimes that works better than a couple of smashes in the head with the drumsticks...

but honestly, so what the stellar? so what the attention? beauty's a silly thing to have... although i must admit thoughts took a turn when i read about queen esther... alright so perhaps drew's right... but i cannot be nice to just about anyone anymore... maybe he made me like so, so that i won't continue my destructive mode unsuspectingly...

whatever. heck.

it's pretty unnerving to be scrutinized... constantly!

I feel that blog has been read by too many for me to really unleash all that is within me... my thoughts and feelings and the like. somewhat makes me feel like being more politically correct but i guess it comes to a point of knowledge that i am forever making obscure statements and reasonings... :) so i shan't care...

wisdom is something when seeked, is found... just about anyone who remembers his or her own lack or want for it... finds it... because seeking it involves sacrifices and learning... from teachers to life experiences to your friends and even your enemies... and sacrifices build the character for advancement in the wisdom sector of things...

not a point of enlightenment but a constant struggle to surrender, give our heart's desire to God... let him have his way with us... though it sounds stupid to sometimes... but this is the way to wisdom... we find no equal in wisdom to him... :)

planning to play...

we've been planning some activities for the week for which I would have stopped work then by... but honestly i don't think i would be disappointed even if we end up not going somewhere huge and significant... think every moment spent with the right person kinda makes every moment right... i think... *wink*

and yes my parents have been ever supportive and i have been so blessed to have their support and love, encouragement and advice, prayers and time spent sharing just about anything at all...

we had breakfast as a family once again this morning... and thereafter i tried looking around for the fascincation of the great mango sale but found that i was not really to be lured by it much... perhaps i have done my shopping at malaysia? but oh no, that was merely an hour's worth and not sufficient... plus, i bought a handbag i really love alot today... so guess I'm into accessories now... hehe...

and got to go make new contacts and specs... still wondering what kinds to make... all sorts are out in the market these days... but the specs design is my main concern... hm...

worship practice was fantastic today... the words in the songs really spoke to me through and through... my fingers were initially stiff from not touching the piano in a long time but I prayed before playing the piano and man were they more fluid than i could ever imagined... :)

darling... :)

things have never gotten better... I feel a little more blessed each day... actually no, a lot more blessed with each passing day... :) however it's a constant reminder to myself that I shouldn't lose myself in the midst of everything and i pray that the Lord would grant me the discernment to know when and what to do, the right thing at the right appointed time.

Prayers have been ever so earnest since a long time ago... but the content has been steadily changing and morphing with time.. and right now... it probably involves something i never thought i would in a long time to come. the pride and arrogance a little diminishing each day... and taking up the characteristics of meekness and gentleness in spirit. or at least, that's what i long for... ")

Lord show us the way. the way to you. the way back to you whenever either of us do not heed your word. the wisdom to discern, to listen to advice, to pray earnestly each day, to share your love ( and that should still be our first priority no matter what)

teach us how to pray in uncertainties and adversities. teach us to pray even when it seems irrational and even when we're so down we cannot think of anything good to say or do. teach us to give thanks for the little and seemingly insignificant events in our lives.. because now we see your continual provision and love.... you let us go through events in our lives to build us up and bring our lives a little closer each day. for that i really want to thank you. :)

things have never gotten better...

bliss. blessed. bold.

anntic com retreat was pretty ultra fun. the taxi rides and the funny uncle who pulled out his mike in the taxi to sing on his in-taxi-entertainment-system whilst driving was hilarious...

the eating at the seafood restaurant. the noodles for lunch on wednesday with loads of chilli was good. as usual i showed off the corny and rather unbearable side of me during plannings and the like as well as some of my domestic nature doing the breakfast. try making egg sandwiches with no fork nor spoon with merely knifes and hardened butter.

:)

and it's rather weird how things have come about... my friends have been teasing me about this good friend of mine... but haiz... how am i to let them know i have no particular interest in him at all and that my heart's with someone else? *thinking hard*

la and well... as the Lord leads... as the Lord leads... I'm quite rather the coward not making things clear to anyone at all... but hopefully they get what I'm trying to say..

and made really good friends at the retreat of course! Lingyin, esther and angeline have been a source of the good late night we had... thanks! you girls really brighten up my life... and I'm honoured to share my life with you...

my shopping was a hectic and rushed one albeit the amount bought. rather resembling that found in the movie. my mom chided me for not buying anything for my dad... sigh... how the parents change after their dear daughter entered uni... ")

what a joke.

remember my telling about this swimming carnival thingy that my mom and sister entered me into? well i swam in the end... had to... and despite not swimming for like ages, the conditions of fewer swimmers and older competitors kinda gave an advantage... :)

so i won. alright. i almost drank up the whole swimming pool in the end as well. but everyone's going who's that girl? now all the uncles and aunties know me la... *shrug* how did i get into this?

today had steamboat because it's Father's Day! and my dad absolutely loves that... so it was a really full dinner for myself... *argh*

got my daddy two ashworth shirts... pretty nice ones... for that matter... :)

it's a good feeling coming so far...

am recovering from my lack of cheesecake... argh. anyway... i really wanted it rather badly... but guess it's a good way of abstinence in our car route today... haha... :)

a little confused and unsure... yet a little more confident and bold... letting God take control... enjoying the flow... cautious not to miss out on anything... cause if and once this fails... I'll be making the rest of it fail along with it... and it's really really scary.... but it's not making me back off... surprisingly... don't ask me why...

au revoir... seems like i'm speechless and got nothing to say...

so much i want to say yet i say it to no one...

and it's all about balance.. but how to find it and when? just when i heard of some news today.... of results and relationships and the like... about careers and cars and richess... i was pretty immune... and rightfully so... i cannot seek and hanker after the world when i have him in my heart already... it's almost like having that something in my heart and it won't make way for anyone else because it's so taking-over and i refused to let be as well... :)

and that's for that... it's amazing how much a month can change someone... i think i've thoroughly changed... not that i am no longer the person i used to be... not that i am half the quick-paced person i used to be.... not that i'm slower to react... not that i choose the tougher way out of things when i actually can do it the other way... i just want to see my life a little more after God each day... myself exuding a little more of his characteristics... a little more of his glory and will shown in my life each day... a renewal of life... thought-processes... not thinking about what there is in the world...

and i felt a peace in knowing a few more things in my life... about my friends... yet i know a peace about not knowing about things in my life as well.. don't ask me how... and why... sometimes the most irrational thing is the right thing... and the most incomprehensible things... the right thing as well...the most ridiculous reasoning, the right one...

in fact, there's so much to take in... there's never a 'right'.... how would you account for the world?

the phrase "resting in his strength alone" never hit me so hard until today... not during the most peaceful times nor the most hectic times... but during the resting periods.... resting in him... in his perfect peace... i see providence everyday... in fact i'm superbly impressed how he used one of my brothers-in-christ who wanted to teach to be a banker for his glory... and it came to my knowledge at the right time... in the right place...

things happen in this world seemingly at an uncontrollable pace... in absurd sequences... in haphazard ways... but yet i meet so many people in inconceivable manners and bump into responsibilities and happenings which i know now to turn into opportunities... seems he wants more of me in my weaker areas... things i've never done nor experienced before... but things i'm so darn scared to approach... yet he pacifies and equips and encourages...

my mom went back to her old working place to run some errands... and she got the same thoughts as i did... same basic thoughts of... "u mean i gave up my career for all these?"

i love my family so much... i really do... i love my friends alot too, more than i say so myself... or show so... i love God alot... and never really realised it until i had choices to make... not in the huge things but the small... and seemingly insignificant... how God uses u... you never dictate... you merely know it's the best plan yet.. and you should look forward to it! :)

yay i got my leave approved... but now i can't for the foc camp... haiz

good thing is that God really has provided for me... so much... even when i wanted to doubt him, i just went ahead to apply for the leave and it turns out that they have already hired someone for two weeks to cover for whatever... and supposedly for this reason... :)

thank God...

and now? the foc camp? i really really can't... cause I cannot take the leave... and that is sad... cause min zhi approached me to lead a group... but... *sob*

yesterday's go forth conference was good... the speaker is a very pertinent thinker and it would be but of course... :) you guys should go for the rest of either the conference or the night sessions...

my mom wants to come with me to shop at JB next week after my retreat... haha... sounds like she needs to destress... cause i never did factor in the shopping part... but her exams are this week... she needs to study...

and i finally met marcus' mom... it was quite a classic moment... think she saw me and knew i was my mom's girl almost instantly... probably because i bear near resemblance to my mom... ha... :)

things have been rushing at me in the madness of speeds... probably due to my lack of sleep or too much coffee had... in either sense... i need to get some sleep desperately... but from the looks of it... seems i won't be... not much until end of next week... really...

tired but happy. confused but feeling blessedly so...

not been getting enough rest recently but it's been work and more work not just from the attachment prospect, but also from ccas and stuff... crossing my fingers now... am trying to apply for leave... which shouldn't be the case because this is not a permanent job but i'll still be trying... my very best. (this is for the anntic com retreat)

and this would mean no possible time that i can actually take leave for my golf lesson. *sob* (which i need to have)

sacrifce, not sacrilege... girl... think about it.

confused as to the whole layout of things but i've been blessed to note and see his hand in everything... what more should or can i ask for? perhaps it's better not to judge things or to see things in the way i have always done... so that i can finally let go and let God... and see his providence in place... get pleasantly surprised in so many ways and not waste my time in this pondering...

no this isn't being cynical, i just am tired.

"ping" went the little white ball yesterday...

and yes i have found like about 80% of my shots going more than 100m and nearing 150m after three lessons of golf... more relaxed now, full-swinging going and the poise a little building up right now... :)

that's with the 7 iron, not the wood... :)

lunch was fun... :)

lunch was fun... definitely... coupled with the jokes and the updates, which, to some would be more or less having to do with the romantics... :)

I think i've re-worked my way into the feministic books once again... sheesh... hey i have been a little less serious about that business lately!!!

honestly.

I had the honour of showing a slightly changed singapore... hope you liked the latest introduction and craze of coffee buns... *wink*

Long.... weekend...

but it was enjoyable nevertheless... the people i spent it with although doing the most mundane activities made it all the more worthwhile... honestly... i quite liked it alot... :)

saturday I went for breakfast with my family at coffee bean before going for my planning camp... not to forget a little shopping before that... haha... and yes aiesec had it's planning camp at ntu... we got to stay in the hostel there... although a little old hall 4 it was but it was fun nevertheless... i enjoyed the time with my aiesecers friends... the water in the bath was good and strong and hot... :) the cooler was merely next to my room... and yes i had good food at really affordable prices... fantastic conditions to nurture good feelings about the place i had to be in for serious planning which was a little boring at times but generally engaged me quite a bit so it wasn't all that bad...

sunday came and more planning survived... i went off early to my uncle's for my grandad's death anniversary... i never got to know him personally since he passed away some ten years before i was born... but i had a good time eating and fellowshipping with my cousins of course! met my favourite cousins... one of them back from Canada and she looks really gorgeous! haha... but nah i'll bet you guys won't be her match... hehe... she's model-like with good brains as well... double degree in psychology and some politics stuff... at age 20... beat that. :)

i pretty much resent...

my lack of want for wisdom in many areas of my life... although right now it's probably certain areas that are catching my attention... and it isn't easy to change mindsets and the like.. but i know i have to... no one improves from having an easy time and non-adaptations...

sometimes i'm put in situations i don't know what to make of... and certainly know not how to act... it seems the flesh is telling me something and the spirit another... yet when the spirit tells... you have to somehow find a way to just obey, whether or not you're certain the words have been planted in your mind and mouth to speak when needed and the heart to know what to act out...

and so i can get rather confused... of course i know what to do... but i don't know how to do it... i can only pray for the dependence on the spirit and his giving me more than what i need to face my everyday...

and my not knowing how to do things translates to my procrastination... and that contradicts my values seemingly and his character... which, it turns out to be one huge mess really... and my life gets more complicated than simple because of this simple thing... and i resent my lack of action... but who can blame me? i'm trying very hard not to act on impulse and to pray before every action... that takes time...

haiz... whatever it is... he leads.. he guides... my time is his... i choose to choose his choices for my life... because i know they'll lead me to the way everlasting... :)

a hot blouse and miracles...

no no... the miracle wasn't that i could fit into that hot blouse that my mom bought for me from malaysia nicely... although i wished it was... haiz... haha... but really.... put on that awful amount of weight... i know joel is going to bash me for bitching about the weight again... *shrug*

anyway... tough weekend ahead... dinos tomorrow... saturday whole day of planning for aiesec year plans... till sunday... sunday evening my family gathering...

not that the beginning of the week wasn't already killing... had two finance meetings...

good thing golf's not this week... thank God... otherwise... see me floored...

and thank God I finally knew what it was about... that awfully weird day.. was more of a spiritual battle.... had to intercede for the people in the camp... God moved really strongly... and alot of the church people who went there got healed... of their irregularities and illnesses... Praise God!

50% right-brained, 50% left-brained...

i just knew it... had that uncanny feeling it was going to be it but i never wanted to know much about for the fear that i might regret all that i have ever done...

well what to say when you've got an artsy mom and a sciencey dad? haha... you get half-half...

which is good in some ways yet bad in others... for example i had real crisises whenever i had to choose between both... and it ain't much good in the singapore educational system.. but preferable for the american educational system i'd bet... oh well...

see the light after the storm girl... you got to fight on in all adversities... you just got to... *grit*

and been trying out personality tests... extremely interesting... no am not totally bowled over by them but it's been enlightening to see my character being 'dissected' ... and analysed... :)

funny how time changes the way we see...

the deluge of corrinne may songs are not to impose nor display my admiration for her and her alone. the words speak. The songs are a powerful form of expression...

Everything in its time

Sometimes i wonder what lies ahead
how long till my hunger is fed
they say it's hard to make it in this part of town
so many people on this merry go round

some folks try astrology
some turn to crystal balls
to find an answer
to get through it all
i just fall on my knees and i try to pray
in the silence i can hear him say

the river runs and the river hides
out to the ocean and under the sky
i promise you, the answer will come
hold on to patience and watch for the sign
everything in its time

i often feel like i'm two steps behind
somebody must have moved that finish line
there are a thousand reasons why i should give up
but i'm stubborn in the things i believe

the river runs and the river hides
out to the ocean and under the sky
i promise you, the answer will come
hold on to patience and watch for the sign

cause maybe there's another plan
one i still can't see
a little surprise, like your love in my life
funny how time changes the way we see

the river runs and the river hides
out to the ocean and under the sky
i promise you, the answer will come
hold on to patience and watch for the sign
everything in its time
everything in its time

By Corrinne May

Every Beat of My Heart...

So here we stand
Anchored in hope
Letting the rain wash away every fear

Stars in the sky
Twinkle and Shine
I pray they won't disappear

Cause i don't know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
but as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
i will be watching over every beat of your heart

i wish that time
could be replayed
I'd keep you here with me everyday

they say that love is letting go
i hope that you find your way

cause i don't know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
but as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
i know you're watching over every beat of my heart

By Corrinne May

.

stupid first call of the day and the person on the other line just had to try to make my day horrid. ok. i keep trying myself that no one can control your emotions except yourself. but sometimes it's not that so... sometimes you just need some time for a breather... not so much the trying to suppress those thoughts. might just become alot worse...

and today's unfolding itself to be a rather weird day... things have been happening in such awkward synchro that i'm prone to be a little negative about it... which is weird... because I hardly am such a pessimist! in these situations rather... I prayed about it. God, please let nothing bad happen... it's just that unsettled feeling within...

am praying for the church camp, the people and my family... most of all... but still a little unsettled. wonder what it could be...

rubbish eaten to count. (morning)

two slices of bread with thick butter spread. sinful marsipan from southern france. poh piah with lots of 'lup cheong'.

and lunch awaits still. that was merely breakfast!

it put an absolute smile on my face... :)

was having the monday blues when i received a rather humorous sms from a good friend of mine whom i haven't heard from in quite some time... think he might have been busy... but he reminded me to keep to my diet plan... ha. and to think some guys try to talk me out of it instead. which is irritating, really...

golf left my arms aching. all over. i had to rush off from church yesterday for my golf lesson. had my dad send me there before my family went for the church camp without me and my brother. brother can't go because of school and 4 days is too much leave for me to take from an internship... (groan) and you know what were they eating yesterday over there at the hotel? japanese food. argh. I feel so disgusted with myself. i should have been there... oh well... I went there before in the midst of my 'A' levels to destress... so that place's very familiar to me. *laughs* my 'A' levels was one big joke man... shopping sprees and holidays in the midst of it all.

there's a meeting after work today. but somehow that's not making me pull a long face today. no i won't let it. :)

Wonderful.

Daniel and I met up for dinner and had some issues ironed out for epi. wonderful. I was very much looking forward to this. now that the article's more or less confimed, I feel a sense of enlightenment.

but tired out i am. i haven't been sleeping well and much. ate too much just now and feeling all bloated. but the gluten-free, sugar-free, fat-free etc etc etc chocolate cake was good. great choice of cafe dan! :)

ideas came out in a frenzy. i think i should have more of such eating sessions. stirs up the ideas, emotions for more article churnings. :)

The three women who taught me valuable things today.

Firstly, my mom. She's ever so patient with everyone in church and at home. No doubt she's still fallible at times, but given my character in her place, everything would have screwed up with my hot temper and outbursts.

Secondly, Justine Henin Hardenne. She showed me what it takes to beat the odds. By working it hard. Driving it tough. Showing nerves of steel and being the lethal behind that sweet pixie-like face of hers. It didn't matter that she was bed-ridden for so many months. It didn't matter that she was so weak and so out of touch with her past glories. She fought hard and she won.

I want to do that too. And i know I'll fight and win. as long as my plans are in his hands. :)

Thirdly, Mary Pierce. At 30 she is hardly the thinkable champion. yet in my heart, she is. she fought so many odds with her age and got back her fitness. gave it all away and had the stable support from her brother, which is especially touching since her brother gave up his professional job just to train her and be with her throughout this fight she fought. and she thanked everyone, from the transportation people who never got any thanks as far as i know in any professional competition, to the ball-pickers... to the people who prayed with her and for her.

Three Men. My youth pastor. Nadal. Federer.

My youth pastor struck a chord with me the moment I learnt of his past. his mindset, thinking and abilities seem to coincide with mine. in a sense. the thought process, the fighter within. he gave up his future to Jesus. he didn't look upon the possible bright future he would have had. he's respected by the adults in my church as well as the youth. he has the passion, the drive, the leadership quality and most importantly, the sincerity. It made me realise the person that I was was not to be of God's liking. and I'm starting to change and realise more and more each day.

Nadal. Young, aggressive fella. made me think about the times i would just give it all to attain something. i need the same tenacity right now. I need to fight the good fight this life time. there won't be a second. no chances. just whack.

Federer. The smug and relaxed champion. he knows what he is good at and he knows his place in any match. he knows what he has to do and he does it.never mind he didn't win this time around but he has been my champion since those years he was a constant number 2 in the circuit... he's my schumacher in tennis... :)

everybody's looking for that something to satisfy...

it's true. so many times I have been found trying to find results to satisfy, a relationship to satisfy, friends to satisfy, sports to satisfy...

yet while I'm trying to keep sane with these 'realities', it seems that God has never failed to keep calling me back to his embrace, back to the 'real peace', back to where i need to be, back to where i belong.

my spanish hearthrob against my brilliant idol. haiz. nadal versus roger.

my spanish hearthrob won.

catching glimpses of his glory in my life...

and finding out why some experiences i had... particularly hurting ones... had to be.

it's never what it seems to the human eye.

I got asked that question yet again. do you have a boyfriend?

haiz... thank God for those questions.. helps me to know that people actually bother and think about me. especially the church uncles and aunties. :)

perhaps I'm this seemingly 'perfect daughter'. the one who mixes around well with people of all ages except her own. and that kinda ties in with every parent's expectations. cause if I hang around alot with people my age, i'd inevitably be influenced by them and that means the aunties and uncles wouldn't fancy my thinking... and otherwise, it suits them very well...

ok so forget the not-so-fancy grades... but i get by... day in day out. discover new and interesting things and lessons in the weirdest ways ever... share them to whoever's interested.

argh. should i should i not?

anntic com...

pork chops? ha. nice...

I wonder what has pork chops got to do with me right now... but I'm seriously craving for some serious food... the waffles and cookies have gotten out of my favour... ;P and here I am, pretty much hungry and helpless because I do not have a choice but to stay since one of us is on leave and another has to tend to a client... so it's me and me alone.

great. the photo shoot's cancelled. i have been spending seriously too much money lately. over what is a good question. I wonder why and how myself. why it's so and how I managed to allow it to happen. a business student is supposed to be astute in her money management. argh.

so i dragged my makeup to work... having to drag it back later... haiz. I wonder if I can go for the camp thingy after my dinner appointment with daniel to discuss the articles and stuff... it could be too late. I don't know.

this week would be too much of a killer... taxi fare killer. my dad doesn't have the car and it's "oh oh" for me... and yes... killer week this has been... every day of work coupled with night meetings... rehearsals and etc. how i survived is a miracle.

and i'm honestly learning how to relax and learn to let go and let God... seems like I'm pretty much heck about the results for now... I hope it doesn't translate to laziness in the end. I want to have this balance of trying my very best and yet not hoping much for anything. as one can see and tell, it can be pretty much a degrading feeling when you do things like this... but a fool for the Lord I am. as long as one remembers, and knows, that it only seems senseless and folly for now... soon the whole picture wold be seen. the day of enlightenment would come... and when that day comes, you'll know that everything you've ever gone through and suffered for is worth it. it's a process, not an exact day of revelation.

anyone for soup with puff pastry? I think I'd go for country manna later. ha. the life... seems after taking up golf... I've been too much of a spendthrift... hehe... the tai tai makings? nah... I noticed that after thinking the big picture, and remembering to think of others in my prayer life as well as walk... i've been changing... big deal lots. for good since I now am a trifle more considerate and giving because I finally have taken my mind off worrying... of doing and doing and never reflecting. which makes me considerate to my very human wants. which can be a bad thing! haha...

but maybe that's all he wants me to do. dwell in his presence and heck the rest. they'd come in time. and develop the people to people skills and experiences rather than results for my future use. :)

ok so the results suck again. but I'm not complaining...

sucky results seem to become rather habitual lately huh?

but the drama was a blast. :) thank God for it.

I loved the way the mouths gaped open when they saw fierce sophie looking all lost and forlorn in her innocent role. that was the way I wanted it to be. ha. fun. :)

but everyone else did well. thank God for that. all I know is that if I cannot celebrate God in these circumstances of bad results. I shouldn't say I love him or am a christian. I'd be lying.

after all. the world doesn't revolve around results. and neither results around the world. one can have the stellar results yet none the best or suitable job. a drop out can be earning millions. billions especially in the case of bill gates.

I wanted to contemplate switching majors. my better results come not from business modules. haiz. oh well. been this way this sem and the last. but God reaffirmed me just now. I need not to see things in such a narrow perspective, I need to see things huge. who knows... his redemption might come in a form of a 5.0... ha... that would have rectified EVERYTHING... hee hee... who says it ain't possible? but do I need that?

maybe God's been trying to tell me to do my three years... then stay away at masters school before coming in to work... *shrug* the future is uncertain... but i know who holds my hand... :)

why???

why a pediatrician or a surgeon?

why so stellar?

why have everything I ever wanted but never got called to do?

why make me feel so miniscule?

why so humble?

it matters not the things we accomplish, because some successes are not determined by results the world perceives...

and I have the peace of God within me... thank God for it. just two days back I was so worried about it... and now I'm so busy I hadn't the time to think about it but that's not the point... the point is that I found my peace in God... if I do not do well... least I have done is try my best at that point of time... whatever the circumstances... I know that alot of time have been devoted to the musical... and it seems to people that God must surely bless the people in it. but I say no. God chooses to bless as and when he wants, when he wants, whom he wants.

If I do well, it'll be a miracle I want to thank God for.

whatever the case, I have already thanked God for the results. :)

don't say I'm dumb... you mightn't know what you're getting yourself into...

my colleagues see me as this really blur girl who doesn't know two nuts about the work I've been doing in a long time... and it's probably because I look that way... being overly sleepy what with the daily night activities that I have got to go for... meetings, classes and the like...

of course there are many aspects of work I have yet to pick up and learn... but I've been always having that bad work attitude I realised... I sieve out whatever I do not need to know at a point in time... and pick up the rest really quickly...

yesterday's swing was good... I loved it so much. the 'ping' of the balls was absolutely delightful... Phil was happy about it... I know I don't look like a second-timer... oh well... they didn't believe me in driving as well... thought I was this darn silly girl trying to learn driving... I did it in 21 lessons... so there...

I'm feeling a little resentful now at the moment as you can probably see... just feels so not good when people underestimate you... this little girl who can act enough to make you believe she is dumb... but I'm not acting this time... ah... the boy who cried wolf... no one knew the difference...

I got to be not so oblivious anymore... wake up girl... the situation beckons... pick up and stop being in a world of your own... actually... you could just do it up with better rest and some coffee... but you refuse. who is at fault?

just so people would realise. if I started becoming more alert and less oblivious, I might again become the not-so-nice girl once again... that is, if I 'm alert without gentleness... not because I wouldn't be cordial... but because I seem to always be an eye sore and a ear ache. I wouldn't care two hoots about whatever people would be saying or doing... and I would always exert my influence and power... or resort to darting around coupled with sniper shots meant to kill...