all by myself...

*grin* for once the quietness and serene which has been rather foreign lately, is back...

I'm all alone in the office... most people are out for lunch and they entrusted everything to me... not that I cannot handle it... it's quieter during the lunch hours...

I don't mind late lunches for these moments...

and yay... golf's later... can't wait. I prayed for a good coach and I got one. Thank God. He's the head coach... so perhaps I should be looking to be the next Grace Park. haha. *luffs* as if...

my colleague fried some pasta for us. chinese style. really nice. I got the recipe. now waiting for the occasion to make it as well... :)

I really hope they wouldn't buy any lunch back for me. I mean, they're nice and all but I'd rather eat on my own and have my own little time out... :)

with a book at hand...

today was the visit from the big boss part two... everyone had to look busy including me. for the first time I wasn't either smsing or reading a book. had to look professional. sheesh... shouldn't professionals, who have read alot in school, be more supportive of reading programs? haha... I'm talking to a box here then...

bookworm me. :)

two hours after the release of results...

just two hours separate the skit from the release of results... God... grant me peace.

my good friends all around me have done well and good... I thanked God... he grants the heart's desire of those whose heart's desire is for him... and him alone...

i finally had the nerve to go weigh myself. I am not so glad about the weight but I'm glad for other things... like being able to enjoy the sports I love... and alot more than others...

*excuses*

had dinner with a secondary school friend who just might be the dance partner I have always been looking for to go for salsa classes... that is, if we are to start from the same platform. I got this sure feeling I'll be a little stiffer than he'll be in salsa... :)

it was a really fun time... talking about the past... old good rollin' times... haha... cheers man... ;P

make them up? me?

daniel's asking me to do the impossible... i mean... make them up? on friday? gosh I got to bring like a humongous set of make up there... *yeeks*

I honestly don't know how to do it much... or rather... perhaps I just don't have the confidence to do so... I seem to only know how to do it for myself... cause I have like single eyelids? it's a little different...

okok... I'll just go read some make up book... :)

the largest cream puff I've ever seen...

and I ate it. soooo nice... from polar cakes... :)

I think I'm eating too much... somebody save me...

I just heard about my everyone's great escapades in their education right now... everyone's in some professional degree... except me. and to think I used to get pretty decent grades in the past. I even qualified for medicine overseas... bioengineering in singapore....

sometimes I can't help but ask myself why i'm being so non-sensical... but God keeps reminding me... if I'm willing to be a fool for him, it is then he can truly and fully use me... and I'll see miraculous signs and wonders...

but I'm starting to see the sense in it all... I'm not patient enough to be a doc honestly. I'm having too many ideas and dreams to be an engineer...

boss asked me to buy some cakes from polar... unnerving...

this was huge boss... and very scary of course... what do you say to a man who owns 100 properties in singapore, a few business centres and alot of money? ok.. so he's human.. but I wouldn't want to offend anyone like that... *shrug*

the day the lifts jammed...

mails can't be collected. can't do my work. can't sort out the mails. the lifts jammed.

had too early a lunch but it was a hearty one. am feeling the sleepy pixies coming near.

my editor likes the article. thank God. the period of no-answer was a little unbearable.

drama drama drama later. brought the props. in a huge esprit bag. looked so aunty.

3 and a 1/2 more hours to go...

You know your character when you see your actions... and hear the words you speak!

I have always thought that character deficiency is merely something to be harnessed, something to be trained... something we can more or less have good control of... no doubt at times we falter.. but who doesn't?

and yet he has shown me that the root of it all... is a lack of focus on him...

as I daily read his word and train myself to be aligned to him... and to no other prominent, outstanding human... I realised that streams of living water do and does flow... words of wisdom becomes words of his... that overflow from your heart... gentleness becomes his when you allow ur rock hard feelings to crumble and cherish every moment as a sacred moment with him... good or bad...

I need not mention the other aspects of the fruit of the spirit...

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control

What the book I'm reading currently teaches us ain't how to no falter in relationships, neither is it 1001 things you can do whilst being single and how to treasure yourself using worldly ways... what it taught me was invaluable...

a right mindset... a right spirit of service... continually training of oneself into someone else's best choice and allowing God to choose the best for you by giving up the right to choose someone who is merely good... on your own insight. most of all? love the saviour and commune with him daily... how close you are to him is how close you'd be to your future spouse... to exercise the gifts of the spirit to produce fruit of the spirit...

out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks... sure there would be times we don't... we say the worse things to others and about others... but what's most important is the constant surrender and giving up your rights to the Lord everyday... :)

my head's in a giddy state... and my tastebuds too active for my liking...

argh. eat. is that all I ever know how to do? egg tarts... notice the plural... and all those sweet tarts and the like... all within today...

how how???

and I'm sick... sob... two nights ago i had a swollen eye...

*wail*

my brain juice kinda ran out...

on saturday I was feeling all pumped up to write... and i did...thank God I did... then... otherwise... you'll be seeing really mundane articles put up... horribly written... and horrifying to read...

not that my writing's incredulously nice...

and jon kept asking me if I had finished my article... I'd love to say yes.. but then again... I don't want to give God second best... and neither do I want to let win edit and edit and read and read.. that should be my part of the job... so how do I rectify this with no solutions at hand?

and so here I am trying to desperately come up with my part of the bargain for my ccr bulletin articles... as well as trying to multi-task big time as always...

the work has gotten to me... once i was reading the sports page, msning, typing emails, as well as attending to clients and phone calls...

now? attending to my mom... msning... emailing... planning my schedule... article writing... (wait... more like article brain storming) ... which isn't much I realise... I'm drained...

it put an instant smile on my face...

i met up with wen for lunch today... seems like i made another amazing discovery... someone I recently got to know is his close family friend...

and i bumped into a friend of mine whom I have never met before face to face but had a rough idea of how he looks like...

the world's getting smaller? nah... God's showing me his prowess... it's not to be underestimated...

in the meantime I have been carefully meditating on a book called "Choosing God's Best"... it's quite a fantastic book... everyone should read it... go get it from pauline when I return it to her!!! :)

it's a choice alright... but most of the time we choose to choose our best, which isn't really all that brilliant... but I'm going to choose God's best... and relinquish my 'rights' to do certain things I used to think I had the right to...

what was I thinking? did I really think that God wouldn't consider my feelings and considerations? and choose someone out of my league or liking? :(

and oh yes... my friend just came back from his diving trip... *wink* that put an instant smile on my face today... that's for sure... :)

too much of a coincidence?

as I lifted my eyes from praying that God would do a mightier work in me... the day went by with so much to gasp about...

I met my primary school close friend on my way to work on the bus...

then I met my old church friend as I was on my way to the MRT station...

and to top it all... it all ended with a nearly half an hour's worth of chat with my good friend from secondary school...

amazing...??? too much of a coincidence I'd say... God... you're amazing...

and I had the blessing to be a blessing to my friend last night over msn...

when I'm broken and feeling unworthy of his calling... there I am used in more ways than I ever could have imagined...

Fatter and aching all over... sigh...

the day did come... it's all pretty much over.. gorging sessions have got to be paused... *notice the word 'pause' and not 'stop'* *laughs*

they say I'm the sort to si xing bu gai... I think if I have found a way to gorge without regrets nor be increasing in weight, I jolly well just might...

and aching all over from yesterday's swinging... yeeks... worse than my tennis sessions... ha... how come? thought it was an old man's sport? golf?

apparently not. I was perspiring all over after the 1st 15 min... concentration is vital.

and the French Open's been really intriguing... and heart-breaking... Myskina, out????

www.hof-ccr.blogspot.com is up!!!!

Calling all HOFers... this is the blog for you to be going to... to have your updates about what's up and what's not! :)

I feel good... :)

I love the way the golfers swing their clubs... and so today i had a little help and orientation from my parents after a good lunch and some shopping...

my first time... and I set the goal for myself to be that I would be able to pick up the swing at least... ha... my mom says I look like some pro now... but prior to that... the first one hour was excruciating... trust me...

it's just the swing... I still can't play for nuts... ha... ;P

my mom mentioned something shocking just now... I suppose it's an initiation on her part to help me with certain 'aspects' of my life... pretty interesting though... the way she sees things... :)

I may be your next nightmare... ;P

daniel told me to write on something more controversial, more spicy, more becoming of a featured writer. I promise to post it up here once it gets approved and printed. :)

and I had none to give.

yesterday was trying as I couldn't find anything to write for it! I told God, God, you're the writer of the Bible... you inspired it all... you speak to the hearts and minds of people... I don't!

and today I had my answer... after the youth leaders' meeting, somehow the chat topics had to turn to that of relationships and finding of the life partner and the like. I was shocked... I got asked my own point of view... and as you know... speaking does make me think quite a bit, it did some good to my thoughts...

and then? I went to my godpa's place... and somehow the only thing he went on and on about was to convince me the sort of guy to marry and date...

funny thing... everyone keeps telling me how it's better to wait and see all the "fishes in the pond" before making my choice... to which, I'm ever so grateful... but no one's teaching me how to fish huh? :)

so I'm obliged to make sure the guy I'll date in the future would have to pass security... security being my dad, mom, godpa, godma, all the aunties I get along really well with in church and even those christian aunties out of church, and my relatives...

someone call 995... he has got to be the bomb or nothing... haha... :)

I feel like crying...

not so from the lack of wonderful people in my life... not so from the happenings of everyday that I am so overwhelmed... more so because I cannot have my sleep... and I'm tired... but the mind goes on.... I wrote an article in a daze just now... *sob*

I'm more overwhelmed by decisions... what to do and what not.. this blog is getting a trifle too public... it seems I won't be able to blog alot of things down as I would like to... and neither can I transfer all the fodder here.. since I would have to keep some for the articles which are yet to be...

I'm melancholic. for the moment. I need space... some sobriety... some thinking moments to consolidate my writing... start to identify with people who would be reading whom I never intended for to read... my deepest moments... my secret thoughts... the motives behind my subtle actions...

it's exposing... it's scary... how would I take it? by choice.

a little likened to a crazy woman right now...

scrambling for the phone... every time it rings.. trying to open the door for people every time they demand it to be open... getting the mails in and out... pretty traumatising only when you're doing it for millions of companies... or what seems like it...

:( bleah...

and today's a friday... with me being pretty comatose in the first place due to coming home late last night from the movie... *but I don't regret it one bit* *luffs*

it seems to be wearing a little long and lost...

I've been getting off coffee for now.. pretty much says why it is this so...zzzzz.... *yawn*

nice, I am not... sleepy i am...

it was simply fantastic, the movie... *cheers*

so eye catching... so enthralling... so much politics, love, hate, revenge, brotherhood, betrayal, hurt, fame, power wanting...

the best scene? the fighting scenes of course.. obi's simply quite an attention drawer with his continual disrobing... before fighting... and anakin's pretty amazing himself with his carefully darkened eye lids... in fact, he looks better than ever when in the dark side... *ops... don't kill me for saying this*

or I might just whip out my laser and make do with it... ;P

the irony? he killed the one he tried to save... all under a lie... and perhaps a woman is the downfall of man... always has been huh? *shrug*

and sam... have fun for your diving trip... will miss you around in the office... *wink* *don't choke.. I won't cry... :P*

hunger pangs...

what do you do when you've got an appetite... and yet can't eat because the boss' in... and you have to keep up the act of being busy... well... technically actually... and you keep trying to smile and look pretty when it's a monster stomach?

you can't do anything...

and i wonder why i'm feeling so hungry... it just doesn't make sense... especially when I ate so much for breakfast... maybe that's the reason... I ate too much... now the stomach wants more... somewhat likening to that phrase 'de chun jing chi'... ha... I know it's weird applying it to my tummy... but oh well...

when you're hungry, you can't think straight much... and neither can you think happy thoughts without the thoughts bursting into food thoughts... :(

how does it feel like to be me right now? I have no idea...

my heart-felt thoughts are left in a swirl... a perpectual thinking that perhaps I shouldn't be thinking and sighing too much but I am... and inevitably... I have been a little morose... but it doesn't change the little effort I put in to smile and be ultra nice to every client of mine... in fact, I think I might just excel during tougher times... and as such... the simulant... although not exactly linked to whatever I'm doing, may be enough to keep me on my toes and since I do such a good in hiding the bad I feel inside... take an extra effort in covering it up... and that speaks for my seemingly better moods...

but really...

I'm known to be an optimist... so perhaps it's in these times... and as I have always mentioned... that the character shows itself to be whatever it is... ??? just don't stone me for my egoism... *wink*

it's wednesday.... and oh so quickly does this week seem to pass... maybe it's due to my finishing my book... and having many more books to cover... another classic's in my hands at this moment... Villette... a fantastic one by Charlotte Bronte... yes yes... stop caning me with those words like "boring" and "dead" ... I love those... and I can frankly say that those who know me know me not being a boring person... that's definite... my life moves so swiftly and with variety... which I create on my own... that it cannot be said so... for sure... :)

okies... enough of fodder for my ego... better log off for now... ha...

but honestly... today feels really weird... I feel weird and quite different.... why and how I don't really know... haha.... maybe it's love? *potential gossip fodder*

the prospect of eating sweet ice cream a little later seems very tempting...

and so I shall... it seems that I have been succumbing to these savory pleasures anyway... these past weeks.. for I have been indulging so much into these little things I haven't been thinking it very uncommon at all... we're only young once... let's live it out and on... ;P

so I'm an advocate for rubbish eating... so what? WHO CARES??? about getting fat... that is... ya I know I have been very and too much concerned with that prospect.. but for now... seems everything's in fine condition... my state of mind and body that is... for now... perhaps when I do gain weight (which I hope never and not)... it won't be a sane girl here... *wink*

surprised at my sudden alluding to certain issues once again? seems that I cannot ever speak to you concerning these things right into your face... there's a part of you... running away... and a part of me... in want of ignorance... *shrug*

and so the girl gets the guy...

I have been so wrapped up with Mansfield Park that I have ceased in all concerns for things other than what is within the two soft cover pages... am contemplating the other classics I have got... those I have yet to touch and have never had the slightest interest in despite my love for classics... you can imagine how horrible it can be to read to some... yet I'm determined to be seen trying... and be trying...

do pardon with my form of english right now... I'm too terribly inclined to speak the old way of english and it isn't something quite to be gotten rid of fairly quickly...

but within what I have read: a sense of propriety, a learning and understanding of sense and emotive languages... a pride that needs to be gotten rid of... a foresight needed to truly find myself in no greater want in the future...

and an added pleasure of knowing that I have chosen well in one area... the good nature and will... the want not for financial excess yet neither resolving to be in poverty... the goals and career in mind, all justified by good reasoning and careful consideration... with a sense of propriety and responsibility... and further upright morals... yet open to good counsel...

in less than 11 hours' time... I'll be up and about...

can you imagine that? so much so for the weekend... but thank God that at least my work doesn't eat into my saturdays... though it cannot be said for someone else... *wink*

poor thingy... hope that you're getting better from the ill-feeling and fever and all... ")

just met up with my finance head... a very respectable and nice person... with the experience to boot... doing accountancy currently... I wonder why I wasn't cut out for that course... but simply put, I like figures... no doubt... but I'd prefer them not being so meticulously handled...

*shrug*

and yes it's no question... I'll definitely be having my pretzels first thing in the morning... *luffs*

someone taught me a very valuable lesson today... although it's obvious pretty much... but coming from a person so much older than me... and someone I really respect alot as a friend... because he has the quiet sensibility... it brought about more impact than it would... don't worry... I'll treasure my schooling life... to the max... hope you do continue to too... :)

meeting my jc pals tomorrow for some shopping... and then a good friend whom I'm ever so grateful to for helping me out with my programming assignment some time back, on tuesday... would be meeting wen for lunch one of these days too... yay... and friday's pretty much cell group... so my week's full... again... with meaningful meetings... of course... and there's dinner most expectantly... with my family... for sure...

going to start lessons with a couple of little kids for golf I think... it's the most I could come up with... oh well... blame me for not taking it up in primary and secondary school... when I had ample opportunities to... :(

I slept till 12 today... it's a wonderful feeling...

I finally got my good sleep... sounds like me again back in TJ when I NEVER had enough sleep nor time for myself... and my saturday evenings were dedicated solely to long naps that took me to refreshment thereafter... and none the time for my homework...

I suppose work is the same... but since I was so resolved to not drink the sin- coffee or tea... I just had to sleep through the sleepiness? Good thing this is the hols...

and drama practice's at 2... and church practice's at 5... I'm a little too packed I guess... was supposed to meet my finance manager thereafter... but i'm feeling too lethargic for anything...

and yes I'm still dreaming of pretzels... yum...

having shepherd's pie as a consolation later... :) my aunt's making it...

oh... i just answered the phone and I was so inclined to say "good afternoon APBC!" argh.... sounds like it got to my subconscious system inevitably already.... hope the politeness stays... ")

the dull has been exchanged for the scull... :)

for me, in between those dire moments of boredom.. I have been so blessed to be able to be wrapped up in my book for now... Jane Austen's Mansfield Park... I so love classics... none of those rubbishy modern romance books for me... (please don't get offended, I just can't be bothered with those... )

and drink it in I will... it has been of an utmost source of wisdom and understanding... I think I've learnt more about people than i ever will from any other book through Mansfield Park...

can't be saved...

two things cannot be saved for now as far as I'm am concerned... for one... my skin seems to be degenerating... probably due to the lack of sleep and the overdose of coffee... although a cup a day... the effects are so deregatory that less than a week's effect have made me become so pock-faced I'm obliged to shy away everytime I meet anyone...

ok so it ain't all that bad... but honestly... the coffee habit has got to go... and it will... by next week... see if I don't... either that or I'll be inclined to carefully reduce the amount to a half-cup till I'm sober enough to pick up the phone without much slurring on my part...

and two... my love for pretzels have been heightening... to which there might or mightn' be an end at all... I'll hate to hate it... honestly...

going to have it after my lunch... as tea-time snack...

someone beat me to the gym earlier... shoot... thought I was the earliest for about almost a week now... oh well...

going for my well-deserved lunch now... haha... late lunches make the rest of the day seem alot shorter... I realised... maybe it's the sleepiness after lunches that make everything seem so out of hand... and out of touch...

tata... :)

save me from the caramel pretzels...

I'm so head over heels with them that there hasn't been a day I hadn't eaten it this week... gosh I had better stop... not because of the fats... but I'm afraid I might get prematurely sick of it that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it as much as I would have liked to...

it's a good thing I do the morning thingy nowadays... ok... this week... makes eating those sort of stuff enjoyable... and I have been eating my starch and bread... starting to eat whole meals once again... and surprisingly... the results have been astonishing... seems the proper meals are making me lose weight again... like very much before... I think I need to eat to lose weight...

which was my hypothesis once... but I rejected it since it sounded so ludicrious... :(

okies... here we go man... say hi to bread... and more bread... I still hate rice though... :)

ramblings from under the air con blast...

A corporate suit thrown on... does that make me any different a person? hopefully not... hopefully all the corporate attitudes and the decorums would be thrown purposefully out of the window and the real person be seen for who he or she is...

I hope to be an influence... a good one... as a Christian... in the corporate world... I see this internship as rehearsal ground... in fact, this week has been good so far...more than good... actually... been reading my daily devotion... praying and the like... seems like the routine does have a good impact on me... :)

some things to share:

don't know if it is a good thing that my boss has been calling the counter for no good whatever reason and asking me into his room to ask for my opinions... my colleagues have been giggling everytime he calls... haiz...

and the french thai has been so captivating the girls everywhere...

somehow he keeps asking us to courier stuff all the time nowadays... haha... usually someone else does it... ???

bought a pair of rockport sandals... haiz... I have to stop spending beyond my budget... but my other pair broke... silly kickers... argh... but they served me well i guess... for too short a period... though...

today feels good...

feels good to be liberated... in a sense... *luffs*

and somehow certain things that have gotten back to me have been enlightening... it's good to be in the knowing... they say ignorance is bliss? I'll agree... but full knowledge of something from all angles and sides is bliss as well... just nothing in the middle... where everything's blurry and leaves much to be desired...

ah so I have gotten the privilege of using the com... thank God... without the com... life's meaningless... really... *wink*

Little superhero girl...

I feel like a little girl
trying to conquer the whole wide world
everybody wants a piece of me
and I just don't know where to turn
i've got work piled up to my head
all i want to do is jump into bed
and wash away my troubles with lemonade
play hide and seek with the boy next door
take a trip to singapore and
imagine how I'll make the world a better place

all I need is a good disguise
one where nobody can recognize
that i'm feeling so small
all I need is a secret weapon
i've got to have faith
zapping monsters into outer space
i'm going to be a superhero

na na na na...

if I were a little girl
trying to clean up the whole wide world
i'd kick the bad boys back to school
teach them fighting's just not cool
i'd give every kid a teddy bear
turn starving people into millionaires
break glass ceilings with dynamite
sprinkle a little sugar and spice
turn the bullies that terrorize
into pink poodles that bark
but don't bark

chorus...

Words and Music Corrinne May

never found a song so close to my heart... and an song-writer so spot on in feeling those feelings I feel... she expressed all I ever wanted to say in the songs she wrote...

on a lighter note...

the pretzel was sinful... and an after dinner snack... realised that I have grown fatter again... oh well... save me through the morning gym sessions... ???

getting orientated... finding my way around things...

I realised the sooner I learnt and picked up stuff... the more freedom acquired... :P

things aren't so bad after picking up the stuff... I realised they're pretty easy to pick up actually...

remind me never to be someone else's personal assistant... it'll be the death of me... all routine and no excitement...

day two and I'm starting to find it rather unchallenging...

been smsing throughout the morning... least someone's sharing the burden of having to work as well *wink*

my week's all filled up... going for a last-minute-called finance meeting for aiesec later... I don't mind it one bit... but the venue's something left to be desired... I'm going to propose a change... see if I don't...

and life's been good... this morning had my long-awaited exercise.. it's therapeutic actually... :P

the short readings from My Utmost For His Highest has been very refreshing and insight dripping (haha... ok so that description doesn't quite drip with attractiveness)

can't wait to go for lunch on my own... don't mind me... not that I'm trying to be a recluse... I like time on my own... too much running about... this gives me sanity...

and prayer whilst on the bus is very very good... I'm grateful for that...

more things to come but I don't feel it too much for now... after all, whilst doing something 'brainless' and all... and doing what you like during the spare time you've got... who complains?

really...

the person in charge of me is a christian... ok... somewhat...

the cup I got assigned to said : "Whoever drinks of the water I will give him will never be thirsty again"

my ex TJC tennis team mate works at the unit opp me on the same floor...

I met my exchange buddy... he works six levels above me... same tower...

one of the clients is a MBA Alumni... in NUS Business School...

what else to say? :)

providence is bliss...

Providence: I only need to take a bus to my workplace... from the bus stop just outside my place...

Bliss: I found out how to integrate my exercise regime into my busy schedule... because of the little time I'll need to take to get to work... and back...

thought-provokingly wonderful...

speaks the movie kingdom of heaven... and it taught me a thing or two about how I should be using my heart and mind to serve the Lord, since my soul is in his hands... and he builts us... no doubt some christians are cast in a negative light, but with no controversy sometimes comes no learning... and it sparks no questioning nor affirmation of faith...

Baldwin the fourth was well played... albeit the ugly outlook and masked person... he was fantastically personalised as a charming, wise and charismatic king... he's my personal favourite cast...

Dalian was surprisingly muted in his acting... the questions thrown out were crucial and collective... but he remembers the most important thing... even when God doesn't seem to speak to you, you have got to do what you deem best in that state of your wanting to serve him... in time to come, you'll realise the mission set out for your life...

and lunch was refreshingly fun and nice... ice cream was good... coffee (yes coffee again... had not a place to rest my feet except at coffee bean) was good... everything was paid for... thank God... but I really wish to treat you back in any case... ;P you've been a fantastic brother and friend... through my exams and the like... thanks for being there...

smile! you're on insanity camera...

I didn't feel that much of an impact in finishing my last paper yesterday (technically). The weather was good... had some great chat with my best friend del... sure we girls have alot to say... and yes I'll admit I need more sleep... the dark rings have taken their revenge... the coffee's going to be thrown out of the window... for sure now...

got to leave my house in like 6 plus hours' time... this is cruel... I don't even have enough time to sleep and look lazy... *shakes head* aiesec meeting in the morning at nine... sheesh... but having lunch with sen thereafter... :) yay... jap food... so sorry darling, i've decided... no choice for you then... *wicked smile*

but had a good chat over the phone just after my exams... ;P had to... was bursting with words to say... not pent up... I just love to talk... in case it wasn't evident... :)

and yes.... more and more people are commenting on my quiet look... amazing how one comment sparked the whole furole...

I think I get my kicks seeing cute tennis stars...

David Nalbaldian, Tommy Robredo, Carlos Moya, Juan Carlos Ferrero, Tommy Haas, Joachim Johansson... you name it... was watching some ATP tennis tour 2005... really nice to see people exercising that part of the brains and body for once... the mental game, the sports techniques, the rushing for stray balls and of course... who can forget? the fantastic hits and serves... ARGH... made me want to play some tennis... and horrors... it rained... yeeks...

and yes so what if I sound like some gushing little girl? least I'm gushing over people worthy of my gushing... I think... *squint*

studying and playing... merely... where's the glee?

but I'm glad you liked the music...

thanks for those calming words... set my day right once again...

and for once some people read more into me... or rather, bothered to... ??? :P

sometimes, we've got to accept that some people are harder to get to than others... but the intriguing part is getting to know... finding out... sometimes I think I should be blatant... but at other times, it really seems downright boring... sure decorated words and the like can get anal... but who's to say that the beautiful shakespearean language isn't beautiful?

and today's 050505... sigh... in about five years' time... my perfect birthday... 101010... :)

I woke up...

"The moment we recognize our complete weakness and our dependence upon Him will be the very moment that the Spirit of God will exhibit His power" Oswald Chambers

God... thanks for waking me up... although with a painful experience once again... I know my life's in your hands once again... I tread not on unsteady ground... :)

I went home... saw the tutorial answers... nearly killed myself...

it was sooooooo simple... the solutions to that question... I could have drowned myself in my cup full of water if I could... and now? nothing but to live with the realisation that I never did do much for that module... and i never would again... because why? I didn't listen to the voices in my head to study the tutorials more carefully...

argh... that one faithful night that I was so sleepy I couldn't see the answers good enough...

but ice cream today at sunset way was good... bing, mark, kevin, me, mel, deb, joel had some fantastic time... ;p THANKS GUYS... MADE MY DAY...

well well well... look who guessed it correctly again...

I just knew deep in my heart that there was bound to be something I would miss out whilst not intending to practise for my statistics test... I knew it... yet I didn't... it probably was laziness on my part... and partthereof some apprehension to work my brain a little more... *shoot*

sigh... what can I say? if the A does slip out of one's hands... I'll only have myself to blame... but seriously... right now? I can't be bothered... I went on a stationery buying spree just now... spent about 20 plus bucks... argh... thought to myself that if I wanted to vent my frustrations on shopping for some needless clothes... I should crucify myself... but pens and the like weren't that bad to have I guess... my sister and brother probably needs them more than I do now... and I don't deny they are good assets to have... *cynical*

but least the cynical humour's back... why yesterday, I hadn't so much the capacity to laugh or smile at all... and after today's horrifyingly predictable paper (yet I know I won't score due to my lack of action as mentioned above)... I think I can afford to smile a little... don't you think?

sheesh... sophie sophie sophie... won't you wake up?

but for my global paper... I have been studying for it... not to worry... I won't become a lifeless worm who doesn't work for nothing...

why am i concerned about the little things in life and not the bigger picture?

I think I have got to constantly remind myself that too many times, one's insecurities does make one extremely narrow in scope and mind... and thinking...

take my accustoming to a little green-eyed feelings when I heard of a friend's good fortune to have a nice BMW as a toy... ha... of course I was happy for him... but who wouldn't be a little wisful huh? guess I'll have to work harder to get mine in the future... if I do even have the fortune of having one...

but all these kind of makes me think twice... especially when I heard of my sister's little classmate... he lost his dad just this year and the poor boy has got to keep going in his studies, act happy like the other kids when he isn't just so that he can fit in with the rest of the kids, who would otherwise call him weird...

I mean, what's with me man? why am I bothering about trivial issues and matters as such when there's so much more that I could be doing... other than studying... and to be an impact in the lives of the people around me?

my mind's in apparent tension yet in covert harmony...

there's so much to study and yet so little brain power left... time's no longer a factor but the capacity is... thank God that although I have been reading mindlessly the articles I'm supposed to, the mind's been slowly trying to integrate main concepts and the like... I haven't much space left but hopefully everything can sort of become more de-fragmented and compressed so that more can go in...

argh... and my silly msn thingy isn't working quite well again... but all the better for me to study then...

besides sleeping off all the troubles I had in my mind... I think I desperately need to try to sleep off the lack of sleep I've been accumulating... my voice's almost gone... my headaches... though not all that often are pretty troubling... and tomorrow's my stats paper but I don't know if i would be fit mentally for it... haiz...

study troubles and the like... what more do I need?

can you stop being a jerk?

I don't know why I'm feeling this way but a good friend of mine has suddenly turned monster for no apparent reason and although I have good reason to suspect certain issues and reasons for this sudden change in attitude... I'll choose to give him the benefit of the doubt and still try to accomodate and give in... and come to think of it, perhaps I have been mean a long time ago a short time into our friendship... I hope he ain't taking this as mere revenge...

and yikes... the meetings have started to flow in for me... aiesec stuff and the like... in fact, my schedule right after my last exam is so packed... I know not where to start catching my breath...

well it was as good as it lasted... the exam period... and I still have got five more days of sanity... ironically...

or maybe four... for now...

new life breathed into my notebook...

I'm so so thankful to God for my brother who knows more about all those sort of stuff than I do... and... the virus is finally out for once... out of my notebook... I was so devastated at the idea of losing my notebook to the deadly virus that I was even rather emotionally disturbed... ya ya.. I know I shouldn't be... it's just an inanimate object...

but everything's back to normal... although you can be sure I won't be going online all that often anymore... too scared for now... argh... I know it's a stupid fear... but well... you know...

a song that touched my heart...

who am I, that the Lord of all the earth,
would care to know my name
would care to feel my hurt

who am I, that the bright and morning star
would choose to light the way
for my ever wondering heart

not because of who I am
but because of what you've done
not because of what I've done
but because of who you are

I am a flower, quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapor in the wind

still you hear me when I am calling
Lord you catch me when I am falling
and you told me who I am
I am yours, I am yours...

this really tells of how I feel sometimes... floating around on this earth, doing what i have to, yet not knowing if what I have to do, is really what I have got to do... and merely drifting in and out of people's lives... like I'm some good when people have got their problems... and nothing when I have got mine and can't find any avenue to speak it out loud... I haven't been entirely open with everyone with my problems, since that has got to be impossible... and it seems like the people I once thought understood me, do not... but God gives grace... and he sent people to speak to me and assure me...

it feels like what you've ever believed in is wrong... (like in the sermon today although that didn't provoke my thoughts but it has been on-going for a long time now...) and you cannot do anything about it because that is the way the world is... and I am not talking about the world, I am talking about the christian faith and community as well... sometimes, people aren't too sincere... and yet at other times, though more rarely, you'd find the most heartening friendships...

so what do I think of it all? I'm giving it all up for Jesus... it is faith, and not emotions... that should keep us going... it is the constant knowing that the Lord is there whether or not he feels like he's there... and it's believing for sure that although the 'wonders and miracles' and 'words of wisdom and prophecy' do not come as readily anymore... it isn't that God doesn't love us nor speak to us anymore... it's probably because we have faith... that believes not in the seen, but the unseen... not the heard, but the unheard... when we get all excited about new signs and wonders and encouragements... I feel that perhaps, then, that's when we're the most vulnerable, easily tricked into looking forward to more signs and wonders... and not the Lord...

Thank God for such thought-provoking daily devotions I find in "My Utmost For His Highest"... :) i should have known about it earlier... some doubts and feelings would have been cleared long ago... but ah, perhaps, then, I might not have been ready... who knows? only the Lord knows...