he thought of running!

and i thought of eating more... haha seems like 'ai wu ji wu' to me...

well i AM eating a lot more... this week and the next: might be thinking of the all starch diet which i read about in the books... seems cool to me. :)

yesterday was really fun! i LOVE ice skating... brings me to a new high... albeit the physical part of it... banging into people and getting hugged by strangers and all... haha... the exorcism of emily rose was not funny btw... but what could i do? i had one 'unreasonable' task to complete with respect to someone's helping me crucially just before the finance paper... :)

trying a new regime... not going to exercise so often anymore... and going to eat more... see if it increases my metabolism.. otherwise.. it's back to the gym for me!?!

with of course a sensible diet plan... which sounds rather weird doesn't it? I'm eating a piece of bread i just baked as i am typing currently...

*shrug*

people do change don't they?

haigh's chocolates and buffets!

went for 2 buffets in three days... how bad can my compulsive eating get? and i had been stuffing myself during the exams due to stress... argh.

to top it all, chocolates brought by my cousin from sydney!

*grit* and i need to stop skipping my workouts... which i have been guilty of recently.... hehe... guess when there's no structure to my life... it rolls out of control...

but going out to ice skate tomorrow! yay... haha and play pool and possibly bowling... :)

c'est manifique!

and my passport wasn't returned today which means... that i cannot make it for the trip tomorrow... oh well... it could do without me... but the visa was easily approved by the interviewer albeit the two hour wait prior to getting into the embassy...

red tape. *rolls eyes*

getting fat. *rolls eyes*

the latter has its merits though... it means that certain parts which reduced in size recently have started to reappear.... haha... guess what? ;P

rather exams than this

bzbzbz...

is that how i am to spend the rest of the month that i would be in singapore?

everything is back to back and yes as andrew puts it - e business... engulfs you.

and friends do the most horrendous things to you... or you so thought it's incorrigible. Well i am way over hating people for what they do... after all i have always been the most accomodating when it comes to explaining why people do the things they do... and in this case... i believe true friendship shines through. I respect you.

Thank God for the friends who have come along and given me support and direction and advice. I think I wouldn't have stood had i not have them to hold on to for support. Of course God gives the ultimate support but he designs friends to be around us for such times...

thanks Karen... :) thanks so much for everything...

catching up with sleep and the many friends whom i have gotten out of touch with for a long time... whoa josh i think ah this friday is impossible leh... got anntic com meeting and that movie organized by bizad...

just shared with my mom something on paper... i feel much better in this... but moms always have a knack of knowing things... so i should think she shouldn't be shocked.

can't book the coach tickets for tomorrow... going to genting only on tues... if i make it to that... and if nothing else irritating crops up...

I love my family... will miss them alot. I love my cell girls, my friends... my bizad company... my everything... argh. it's irritatingly hurting to leave... but 3 months is 3 months... short yet long...

agony? or excitement? both i think. :/

made of clay?

Let Your Fire Burn
(taken from 1 Corinthians 3:12-15)

Are my actions made of gold, or are they made of clay?
Am i mining out a truth that will last beyond today?
When you look into my heart
Is there anything that's true?
If there's any part of me
That's not a part of you

Then let your fire burn
Tear my dreams apart
Purify my heart
Till I finally learn
To keep my eyes on you in everything I do
Teach my soul to yearn, to let your fire burn

Am I strengthened by Your word, or by my pride alone?
Do the trails of my life find me kneeling at your throne?
Is this all that I can be?
Lord I know there's so much more!
So 'til my faith can finally see
All that you have saved me for

Let the flames grow higher and higher
Till you control my every desire!

Words and Music by Carol Fivecoate
(c) 1999 Carol Fivecoate

just about to pour out my grievances when...

something happened. i was drawn to singing the songs i first heard and last heard, quite a number of years ago... when i was in secondary school... these songs that once brought me to tears once again brought new meaning... :)

i was about to complain about more mistakes that i made on my paper when my mom and dad lovingly told me that they won't mind if i didn't do well... there's always another plan we can't see. perhaps if i kept praying against his will and doing things my way, perhaps i would miss the many blessings he has in store for me, because those can only be given to me once the rest of the distractions are gone...

so i shan't be aiming for honours no more... shall be aiming to do my best. if it's a double majors... so be it. shan't fight back no more.

Just to share one of them with you:

The Miracle Is You
(taken from Psalms 77)

There are times when doubts creep in
I wonder if you're near
No answered prayers, no joyous smile
Just the pain that pierces through
There seems no hope at all
Every word says I will fall
No shining light to guide
No secure place to hide

But as I look behind on this path I've tread
Your faithfulness just shines
So many times you've delivered me
Given hope I now call mine
You've changed my life within
Only you know where I've been
How could I doubt your love?
Disregard the things above?

Only a miracle will do
To make me the one that I've changed to
And purely by your grace I stand
For the miracle is you

There's still so much I need to learn
You'll teach me in your time
As i run this race help me seek your face
So you're always on my mind
You're the reason I've come this far
Now i see beyond the stars
As i stand and hail you King
May my mouth your praises sing

Words and music by John Rajan Nair
(c) John Rajan Nair

Little superheroine girl doesn't wanna be no more...

i hate being a perfectionist. so should i say i hate being me? argh. well the paper today was so darn hard and it doesn't help that i didn't do a large part of a 25% question which cost me a leg. and yes add to that being a perfectionist or supposedly it's absolutely unforgivable.

but i need to carry on. count my blessings and thank God that at least i could do the other 75%!

three more modules to go... and then it's a real break for me... from the face of this sunny island singapore though it's starting to feel like cameron highlands brought to my doorsteps!

haha today's someone's birthday! Happy birthday Diana! hope you love the flowers... hehe...

and yes girls love flowers... i shouldn't need to mention that right? because the funny thing is though girls always state how 'obviously' wasteful receiving flowers are... it's a natural thing to feel very flattered when receiving a bunch!

though for me i still stand by receiving the equivalent of the bouquet money to buy my favourite things... hehe... joking la... i'm not so unromantic!

and yes... i need to go to the US embassy for an interview regarding my visa.. of all the people i know only i have to go through this... wonder if that means i look too fearsome for their liking... hehe... which means i might not be able to make it for my genting trip! *horrors* but oh well... *shrug* see about that i guess...

had my monthly dose of pms today only in the form of a physical breakdown not an emotional one... he's counting his blessings... ;P

back aches and all... churning stomach and felt like puking... gross.

oh i learnt quite a lot from a friend of mine i just got to know recently. hehe. she's terrifying... to her boyfriend she's the queen... to the rest of the guys, the former would do. i am still wondering how she does it... but man, give it up for the matriarch!

mind's all blown!

and not surprisingly, happy at that it seems! haha... now i think i look like a screw ball who doesn't know how to quit slacking and goofing around... :)

well i had been busy and stressed out with my confirmation of modules in UWA, the accomodation, airtics, visa etc etc etc... well for all the red tape there is, it simply stinks really... but I got to look at the things that are blessings... like how i am able to get the things all done (at least, those that i ought to and need to do)... what's the outcome is uncertain as always of course... yet i am reminded now of the times when i thought that everything was impossible and now i know that everything is possible through him... :)

and that i have friends who do care about me, pray for me and help me out with my visa! *grin*

thanks all you people!

for a moment there i thought that i might have been really down... couldn't go to church yesterday as i tried getting up without having to stumble with the killing headache and bodily aches... and not to mention my wanting to puke... and that's disgusting since well, i have worked up an appetite this exam period and rediscovered my love for food... :)

but thank God i'm alright now.. and trying to remain sane for the next few days more to come... as the exam gets nearer... thank God my heart's more and more at peace... guess it's the comfort of it going to be over sooner than not.. and i know that i have displayed a better attitude towards my studies which i hadn't since a rather long time ago... whether or not it translates to my getting better results... i don't know... but i know he is just and gives as he deems fit.

raging...

hormones? somehow i feel that at this stage and point in life alot of things are happening to alot of my friends... :) haha in a sense, well a more exciting and dramatic life awaits?

and yes taking a breather in the middle of the night not due to studying oh no... more for eating that chocolate laden ice cream sundae in the middle of the night... oh man... it was good... had no regrets and won't be regretting... :)

my life's turning upside down and inside out... stomach wise... hehe

and i am rather not really looking forward to the exams and neither after the exams... like i said... that would mean me leaving all the sooner... and these days of planning my exchange has been highly upsetting yet exciting as well... :/

and the holidays are packed for me... would be going to genting highlands with my bizad friends for a couple to three days and then it's back to youth retreat followed by anntic and then a trip back to KL for shopping (yay i think...) and then a week down to my moving out of this country for three whole months and more...

packed. raging emotions and feelings... feel like staying yet escaping... haha

confused.

study heat so not on... :(

*sob* i wonder why i have been so tired lately... sleeping alot... and not to mention eating alot as well... :(

exam stress? nah i don't think so... prob due to my incapabilities to do some 5 core modules all at one shot...

and trying to settle my air tics as well as accomodation in the US along with alot of visa and credit card stuff... those are the ones driving me up the wall and nuts...

gym time doesn't seem so attractive anymore unless i'm totally zapped of my energy to study and then i practically nap during my session...

haiz the sad truth of the students taking examinations...

tomorrow's my first paper! can't wait for it to be over and done with so that i have less an obstacle in the way of freedom!

cause the rest of the papers would be more killing than this one... not that this would be a piece of cake!

*grit*

think i should go read some enlightening stuff... brings me back to the Bible to destress... :0)

if doing the good things...

if doing the good things ends up with me being less vindicated, less understood, imagine what doing the wrong things would do to me! (will probably be more hot soup then!)

I'm not backing down from doing the right things... I realised how important it is to show one's vulnerability, show one's true weaknesses and be real. Not that i wasn't real at all, but being a task oriented and independent girl i tend to forget about my feelings and emotions more often than not... Coming to the surrender and admitting of mistakes... (or should it be the other way around?)

And now i hope that the cell group doesn't stay this way that which i once lead in this way so anymore... i am asking for forgiveness and hoping that we would all eventually come to this stage of true and real fellowship, real sisterhood... real relationshiops... i want to change my approach... sure i need lots more feedback and correction... more surrender... but something's pushing me and egging me on... :)

am trying to look from the outside looking in... but it's tough... i've been used to being a prideful, conceited girl...

opening up is risky... but the returns are high as well... am i willing to take this risk? suddenly i am less risk averse... less diplomatic... less rationale... is this all a bad thing? perhaps if it were me before, this would all seem wrong... but it's not. :)

Tired and weary soul finding streams in the desert.

And finding that the fellowship and sharing with other christians puts me so much more at ease, knowing that the moment i lay down my pride to share and be seen as the most unimaginable person on this earth, I find complete joy in the release and love I find in God alone.

Sure i have bad feelings about this, and i wish to run away from it all. But somehow logic and God's wisdom don't coincide all the time and i am still praying for his mercy and grace to be in my life.

The moment i act on my logic and what is seemingly God's wisdom or the moment i am sure of it all, i know the moment of reliance on God is lost. The moment i do that, i tend to justify and be a pharisee... be spiritually righteous when i am not.

how sacred or secular can one be? does action speak louder than words? do feelings lie? does love hate?

all i am going to say to all these is: I want to know God more and find my answers through him. he hasn't failed me though i have failed him. he has been giving me answers along the way, advice. but i need to hear from him alone. i can't take everyone else's relationship with God and make it my own. i need to hear from him personally. and i know somehow that that is going to hurt. i know what i ought to do, but i am not ready to do it. i can't. I'm afraid.

and given that i would be going away soon, that would be the perfect excuse to run away... but now i sense resistance in going away for now...

tired and weary eyes...

*grit*

must go on and not give up... must give my best and excellence though not the best of results it may be... of course everyone hopes for the best but God's the one to give and dictate, not me... God keep giving me the strength to carry on, every moment of the day... each time i feel like giving up... don't let me go astray... :)

enlightenment.

thanks nic tan for the great pieces of advice! seems like though i would never actually understand what a guy thinks and feels due to my own sexuality... it's no excuse not to bother comprehending... :)

nor being nice and accomodating...

perhaps if i would just close both my eyes and let it brush over... who knows? hai quo tian kong?

or maybe i need some serious comprehension classes...

sheesh... i have never stepped over my rights (and yes yes i do admit i'm probably that insolent little girl who refuses to be appleased)... God help me to learn... :)

yi du zi de qi hai mei fa, dan shui neng li jie?

haiz... firstly, my resolution to study isn't going anywhere... well it's going places! anywhere but not where it should hold...

secondly i don't understand some people... really... but am trying to comprehend and accept and embrace in my own little ways... God help me i don't think i can take such things lying down for long... i'm a fighter, not a resigned little girl... :( yet i see that you're helping me to become more like you, loving and accepting... *grit* ya maybe i need such people in my life, to irritate the hell out of me for me to input more love and understanding in between... :)

pretty disappointed with myself... there isn't much time my dear... you've got 5 papers... FIVE CORE SUBJECT PAPERS MIND YOU!!!

*grit* i'm not doing what i am supposed to be doing...

both andrews said it right... "erm, isn't it the exams? why are u online more frequently?"

ya, i'm asking myself... maybe it's due to the stress that i have in having to study so much... but so does everybody else! what makes me different from the rest? except laziness... i reckon... :(

and i keep thinking of destressing when logically there isn't much to destress about given my current situation... I'm so irritated with myself... always sleeping so late to chat over msn, sleeping so early when i don't. don't know which is a better reason to box myself...

or someone else can do the honours.

God help me... i'm no nerd, honours, nor scholarly material... i'm just me, always wanting a life of excitement... :)

ever done something against your will?

which you felt is right to do and most admirable at the end of the day but at the same time you realise it means alot more... of compromising your happiness (which i now realise would be temporal) to be a friend, a pal, a protector...

ever resorted to the most unthinkable thing you could think about? i did.

ever been in the situation most unthinkable? I am.

ever been played out by your own set of logical reasonings? i was. still am.

ever made a major decision in the midst of the coming exams? i am supposed to.

ever defuncted from making decisions? i would like to right now...

hurt someone? oh too many times. for that i hate and resent myself...

prayed about something, believed in it so much only to find out it wasn't meant to be? (or rather what seems like it's not meant to be) ya i am facing it now...

how? why? what? when? who? where?

suddenly the players have started their rehearsal, the camera is rolling and i feel like part of the audience from the outside looking into my inside...

the breaking and collapsing of my independence...

will i give independence up? do i still believe i have a right to my own independence? will i completely surrender to Jesus and not place my conditions and desires in front of what would be his will?

it's hard.

but i have been making little progress here and there in this area... :)

not having the audacity to slack even during the hols!

what's this? *disgusted*

and well not that i have been very conscientious but seems to me like we don't even have the chance to slack whilst during the holidays! where's the justice? *grit*

and yes i have been holding back regarding issues... in which right now i seem to have gotten more or less more of a peace of mind on... :) and i'm glad, not anxious. guess that's how the thing goes isn't it? you don't become anxious and you let God do everything and the rest...

not that anything's been resolved...

haiz... need a ear. someone who won't defunct from listening because of my going on and on and on... i get irritating... honestly. haha.

just don't know why some people chose to take on this "premium" risk!

argh. why am i so into finance? i really don't know why and how... *shakes head*

show me more?