a song that touched my heart...

who am I, that the Lord of all the earth,
would care to know my name
would care to feel my hurt

who am I, that the bright and morning star
would choose to light the way
for my ever wondering heart

not because of who I am
but because of what you've done
not because of what I've done
but because of who you are

I am a flower, quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapor in the wind

still you hear me when I am calling
Lord you catch me when I am falling
and you told me who I am
I am yours, I am yours...

this really tells of how I feel sometimes... floating around on this earth, doing what i have to, yet not knowing if what I have to do, is really what I have got to do... and merely drifting in and out of people's lives... like I'm some good when people have got their problems... and nothing when I have got mine and can't find any avenue to speak it out loud... I haven't been entirely open with everyone with my problems, since that has got to be impossible... and it seems like the people I once thought understood me, do not... but God gives grace... and he sent people to speak to me and assure me...

it feels like what you've ever believed in is wrong... (like in the sermon today although that didn't provoke my thoughts but it has been on-going for a long time now...) and you cannot do anything about it because that is the way the world is... and I am not talking about the world, I am talking about the christian faith and community as well... sometimes, people aren't too sincere... and yet at other times, though more rarely, you'd find the most heartening friendships...

so what do I think of it all? I'm giving it all up for Jesus... it is faith, and not emotions... that should keep us going... it is the constant knowing that the Lord is there whether or not he feels like he's there... and it's believing for sure that although the 'wonders and miracles' and 'words of wisdom and prophecy' do not come as readily anymore... it isn't that God doesn't love us nor speak to us anymore... it's probably because we have faith... that believes not in the seen, but the unseen... not the heard, but the unheard... when we get all excited about new signs and wonders and encouragements... I feel that perhaps, then, that's when we're the most vulnerable, easily tricked into looking forward to more signs and wonders... and not the Lord...

Thank God for such thought-provoking daily devotions I find in "My Utmost For His Highest"... :) i should have known about it earlier... some doubts and feelings would have been cleared long ago... but ah, perhaps, then, I might not have been ready... who knows? only the Lord knows...