the odds are stacked up against me...

I have gotten through the 2nd round of NOC and now it's dependent on whether any companies would care to have me as an intern... Been given a choice between BioValley and Silicon Valley.. it's hard and tough, because it seems that my advisors think I probably have a better chance with Silicon Valley... and not to mention, it's something I wanted, except that I didn't really see much prospects of a company with Silicon Valley... Now with this, I have looked through the list of companies and people on the list (16 of them) and found every one of their resume spectacular and i wonder how in the world I managed to edge out some people to get to this stage- it must be his plan and timing... I couldn't do it on my own. My cap is rather laughable and I definitely do not seem to have as much experience as many of them... BioValley seems to house tons of Bio and Chem engineers.. it's ironic that some years back I turned down Ntu's bioengineering course... and now i am back to this...

i have been wondering ever since i started studying here in nus- why i have to be here. i had prayed about my choices and God wanted me to come here... i can see why now but i didn't understand why business... but i realise (very much later and after alot of angst and deliberate frustrations and complaints) that if his favour is upon you, there's no reason why you cannot be blessed... though in ways that the world doesn't see, and sometimes you don't too...

should i not succeed in getting an internship, it's God's will to test and see if I would resent him for not bringing me there... If I do get it... (they say it's usually 95% certain) to see if i would credit everything to him, or take the credit on my own... but i highly doubt taking credit on my own... because really... what am i compared to those people on the charts? sure i smooth talk, but that's really about it. i'm utterly scared out of my wits and nerves.. and i don't know if i would bring any value to any company there... i don't know if they would take me... then again, i hadn't known so many things.. perhaps i would just let go and let God?

to add injury to my vulnerable state... i believe i have disappointed both myself and someone very significant in my life... he's slated to come back on the 1st of january from denmark and with my going there for a year and the possibility of leaving just as he arrives- the whole issue is daunting... i don't know what to do or think... and i cannot seem to do anything anyways because i am not really confirmed going... but yet in my heart i dunno how to placate this upsetting thought of a probable tension... i hope he comes back earlier to spend some time with me... but i don't want to hold him back from enjoying the time in europe... it costs a bomb to get there... we both love travel, and i won't want him to lose the chance of enjoying himself... but the heart is weak and wants him back home...

God, please help me out. make things right. why did you bring me all the way if you're not going to bring me there? I prayed for a letter of rejection if it's not your will to go and you have shown me so many signs... why this? or am i acting on my own silly thoughts? you are going to put it through for me?