Tired and weary soul finding streams in the desert.

And finding that the fellowship and sharing with other christians puts me so much more at ease, knowing that the moment i lay down my pride to share and be seen as the most unimaginable person on this earth, I find complete joy in the release and love I find in God alone.

Sure i have bad feelings about this, and i wish to run away from it all. But somehow logic and God's wisdom don't coincide all the time and i am still praying for his mercy and grace to be in my life.

The moment i act on my logic and what is seemingly God's wisdom or the moment i am sure of it all, i know the moment of reliance on God is lost. The moment i do that, i tend to justify and be a pharisee... be spiritually righteous when i am not.

how sacred or secular can one be? does action speak louder than words? do feelings lie? does love hate?

all i am going to say to all these is: I want to know God more and find my answers through him. he hasn't failed me though i have failed him. he has been giving me answers along the way, advice. but i need to hear from him alone. i can't take everyone else's relationship with God and make it my own. i need to hear from him personally. and i know somehow that that is going to hurt. i know what i ought to do, but i am not ready to do it. i can't. I'm afraid.

and given that i would be going away soon, that would be the perfect excuse to run away... but now i sense resistance in going away for now...