worthlessness and worthiness...

quoting from an unnamed source " it's my friends who remind me of what little worthiness i have"

quoting from a spiritual source " it's Jesus who reminds me of how worthless i am"

which do you prefer to subscribe to?

i don't blame anyone for choosing the former... after all, i am guilty of it as well... in a sense, the former does hold within oneself a source of pride and dignity (so to speak) and one believes that one has worth and that worth is worth keeping, preening and growing...

we find our worth in a myriad of things... money, a good career, academics, looks, talents that are more tangible to the public eye... etc... and when we find that we cannot attain those, we seek to elevate our self-worth by being obstrusive, negative of everyone but ourselves and being judgemental.

i came upon this idea or rather, philosophy if you could call it, when i was sitting there pondering to myself on why i have been particularly snappish, irritable, and negative of everyone... but the thing is, i am also extremely judgemental of myself. so in some sense i do not fit into this prototype and neither can i easily find some solution for this...

and i always have some motive when i am not nice... to give someone else a taste of his or her own medicine... but find myself irritated when they do not see it... but when i am tolerable, i normally do not harbour anything within... so i guess i have to watch those moments...

i think i have to quit thinking that every and anyone can be real in their expressions... and quit being disappointed when they don't... i came back from america wanting to lead a 'normalised' life and found that i had adapted theirs somehow and now i inherently demand everyone else to be outspoken and fearless of exposing their thoughts... and giving a view to it...

and the lack of action. i was offering one of the youth in my church help when i realised that all the talk about needing help was really a desperate call for help more as an expression... or maybe i am wrong... but i just said i was available. she never got back to me as to how she wanted to be helped and all... no i am not condemning this girl, don't get me wrong... i was just disappointed that no plans were made... nothing was suggested on her side to aid herself. i think singaporeans are fast becoming what i earlier described. either they are fearful of asking for help, or they are lacking in action...

and practiciality. no one is going to sit there and be available for you all the time... go grab it if you want it... but for now... i am re-packing my schedules again... would be going to joel's to record some songs... dunno if it would make the cut... my throbbing headache is not a good sign at all and my muscle aches are giving me the hesterics... the cut in my feet didn't split from the scab despite hours of dancing (thank God) and seems to be doing well...

arguments with the people i love are leaving me listless and pissed. but you know you can't be pissed for long... got to treasure them... with so many recent sudden deaths, you can't help but wonder that perhaps it's God's way of telling us to pull up our socks and buck up!?!

i have been contemplating the ministries to be in... and i found new motivation... guess when you try to find out the answers yourself it never comes out right... it's only when u ask the Lord how and which does he tell you. so i ended up not with lesser ministries to be in... but confirmation.

i find it hard to think that other than music (playing the piano), and singing (as most pitched music students can) i am faced with ideas that previous tries have left me cold...

take dancing... i joined to support a friend of my mom who later became my friend (of course you don't dance together not knowing names and she's so nice) thinking that i should be getting out of the dance ministry in no time at all... which i attempted, and failed when a friend of mine broke her leg and had to be replaced with three rehearsals to the actual thing... my plans for a fuss free, stress free holiday were shattered. but was it? i found filfullment in some sense, and i never thought i was say this but it's dancing on stage that makes me comfortable, not so worship leading and all... i am not one for 'spiritual words'... so i guess i make myself heard through dance... to think that when i used to go for ballet at a very young age, i quit soon after because my teacher was horrible. so i would be going for the dance retreat and see what comes out of it (God will see to that like he saw to my costume for the easter dance)

take writing... having been one of the most talkative people anyone around me has ever met, it is rather a shock when people see that i take to writing and books more crazily than others... at first those little poems during literature lessons which were so boring back in sec 1 seemed juvenile and i made nothing of it... i started to write whenever i was down, unhappy or happy. it was always and has always been a private thing of mine... i tend to flood my blog with words so that people won't be bothered to read them... and my blog has this advantage that i have an easy access of nicely typed words in files and archives... i scribble. i believe epistole is one thing i have passion for in vcf... over and above the others... not that it is superior... but i somehow find my niche there... of course one thing that restricts me is that i have to write in accordance to the themes... am trying to adjust... hopefully well...

and of course writing helps you jog your memory on things that have happened so it stays more vividly in your mind... and i hopefully learn more from it...

drama, sports and even previously being in the 'geeky' ( i don't find it geeky) science and math clubs as well as GB has carved me. i look back and think it's a miracle, really... how i never get to serve God in what i really can do but he trains me in the things i had thrown away so long ago, helps me realise my weaknesses and have the courage to start all over again...

the one thing that is weighing on my mind is my studies... when will i have success like back in the old days again? will i even qualify for an honours year? how will i get a job with a degree class like that? i can't imagine... i keep thinking of my cop out as flying to new york to work...

ops i have said too much... it's enough thinking for a day..

oh my nick on msn was rather a distressed mode... i am not really that bad in shape (though i am found physically wanting in many areas) except for a throbbing headache, a cut in my feet which is healing... muscle aches in my entire body...

and wen was so nice... he immediately asked me how i was doing... etc... despite his being so busy... :) i really can smile to that despite everything... and i told him that.