how nice to complain for a living?

i would be complaining in my next article, technically... since well, alot of it is really frustrations on my own part in the past... the next epi would be interesting... do look out for it! it's also avaliable in the national library... thanks to daniel... just got wind of it from winston during today's epi meeting... am secretary cum treasurer... more budgets and minutes again.

bank of america did it again...

they rejected my cheque to them, wasted my money and time trying to call them to solve the problem, now they charge me for my overdraft twice... and they are still asking for the money...

please don't mind me... but to heck with everything, really.

to put that aside I had a fantastic time with my anntic committee... had alot of things done, got to know them... was good. but got to know that i have to attend the exco meetings every month... goodness... that would leave me no time at all honestly... I really have to speed up on working on which ministries to be part of and etc...

which is not at all easy when you think that you want God to have full control of what needs to be done and not in your life... his timing is not mine... and neither do i have his wisdom to decide and know what is best for me...

my studies (something i really want to work on this coming semester), exco meetings, vcf cg meetings, epistole meetings, dance practices, youth ministry (attend a cell and head a cell), worship ministry (practices)... the heightened awareness of what a cell leader should be doing is not putting me at rest... there's so much to do and so much more i need to do... yet i feel that though the heart is willing the flesh is weak... and i may not have the time to do everything i set out to do... argh.

the common sense says to get rid of the things i had originally wanted to get rid of... the spirit within tells me to be sure of how and why i had chosen the few ministries i had decided on a little earlier...

God... how? help me.

If i feel so stressed now... goodness knows how i would feel when i do start working... like shane said. i guess i was forced to grow up quickly but not as quickly as some others i know... yet i think that although sometimes i feel it has gone a long way in helping me accomplish certain things.. it has become my source of discomfort in the knowledge that I overdrove myself in the impertinent things and didn't for the pertinent. i get irrate when i don't see things in a more mature way and yet maturity takes time and can only come at the right time... but i am too impatient. i am disappointed with myself... and i get blurry-eyed thinking of my failures... i can't seem to do anything right...

but yet a still small voice calls out to me: count your blessings, redirect your focus onto him, find rest in him...

everyone's been so nice... :)

thanks...

just within the course of 24 hours, i had three people i never expected calling and smsing me to ask about me... thanks jon, moses and karen!

i tried cheering someone else up today ironically as well... oh well maybe you need cheering up even when you're trying to cheer someone up... it goes around...

though of course i hope, like the three of them, what we set out to do was accomplished!

Human or inhuman?

When i do actually look back at what i have felt and done, it seems all so odd yet familiar to me that a girl like me should be swinging from high emotions to evoking sad sentiments. I don't now how the mind connects with the heart as such and like that... but i have realised that it's a matter of the humanity of the heart and mind, and the inconsistency.

many have said that it's only human to err, but for so long i have felt that it was inhuman of me to think that way... to think that one shouldn't be accomplishing something which is very much within one's reach is inhuman... or is it? when you could reach out and touch someone but didn't, is it not inhuman? when you could have achieved what you set out to do to make your parents proud and do your best for God but didn't, is it not 'inhuman'? when we have done something similar of that sort of nature and yet fail at the next try, aren't we 'inhuman'? I say this because i used to think of ourselves as mini-computers that learn quick and fast.

it's an irony that as humans we always think that the most 'inhuman' things are the very things that we should accomplish. so why do i keep thinking the way i do? i honestly don't know... but i see it as vulnerable stages in life that leave me depressed about my lack of 'supposed accomplishments', questioning God, and coming back to what he has asked me to do instead.

perhaps imperfections has its merits.

"this is show business"

I post this for a couple of reasons which i don't mind sharing about (since this is of course what a blog should be about!)

when Ryan Seacrest started to taunt Simon Cowell about dissing Taylor Hicks during the auditions when he's obviously, the American Idol now (given objectively by his performance for the final two), I wondered at what Simon was going to say... until he mentioned that "this is show business".

i thought to myself that he could mean either of two things (or he merely wants to confuse and get everyone to stop their taunts):

1. this is show business, we're wrong sometimes

2. this is show business, sometimes you say what you don't mean so that it gets more interesting for the audiences...

now i thought this was interesting to look at given the workshop during LPC that I had just attended, conducted by Jasmine. The workshop was called "Dealing with inadequacies". much as i am apt to wonder at the subtle touch to the title, given that the world "inadequacies" was used in place of otherwise, "insecurities" or "inabilities", i shall try not to delve too much into those.

i was just reflecting on what i had learnt (until the statement which caused me to want to blog for no good reason but to think aloud):

* Feelings of inadequacies are feelings
* They arise due to expectations (of oneself, by others and 'expected expectations from God')
* They arise due to comparisons that we make with others
* They arise due to past experiences we had as a child (maybe our chinese-families didn't like to praise us much but much tended to criticize, or failures, or successes)
* Failures make us shun tasks
* Successes make us do so too, because we feel that we cannot do better than before and the expectations are higher then...
* The enormity of the task and its requirements

and so, we react, by:

* getting frustrated, angry and nervous
* putting others down
* further dwelling in inadequacies with more comparisons, and over-acknowledge them
* ignoring the inadequacies (and not dealing with it)
* packing our schedules with tons of activities to 'forget facing it'
* sinning, since we're 'crap' anyway
* blaming God and others
* rejecting the tasks and running away
* and lots more examples which i can't think of at the moment... but maybe this list gets you thinking and going...

we need to deal with it by:

* having a paradigm shift in focus (from the task and ourselves, unto God)
* making the choice to claim God's promises even though it seems impossible and tough
* remembering that we're not endowed with everything because one of us is the hand, the other is the feet, we need each other in the community
* not being the best at it doesn't mean we're not good at it, similarly, not being good at it doesn't mean we cannot do it right
* acknowledging the measure of success and failure of God (which is very unlike the measures of men)
* acknowledging the feelings of inadequacies (because it's through these moments we find ourselves needing and communicating with God more)

They are "feelings of inadequacies" and not "inadequacies"

It is "dealing with inadequacies" and not "dealing with inabilities" or "dealing with insecurity"

security comes from God, ablilites comes from God, but feelings of inadequacy comes from within ourselves...

so how does this link to show business? you know how the saying goes that life is a stage and we are but its actors? in life we most definitely have our success and mistakes... yet sometimes instead of acknowledging our wrongs, we choose to say that we said things at certain points in time due to the circumstances, but reality we were wrong. and this stems from a pride that we need to acknowledge. pride is always a manisfestation of feelings of inadequacy.

i know my chain of thoughts run long... but i don't think it's that hard to link it all up, is it?

need... glucosamine...

argh. my knee is really giving me a time and i don't know what to do with it... i had the same injury (if i should call it an injury) back in training in JC and it kinda faded away when i decided to do alternate exercise, and subsequently, dismiss exercise altogether...

I do gym alot less now. I halved it in fact, due to my knee and the fact that I don't see the need to do so much anyway... it'll only wear out my knees and limbs.

it helped a little when i drank milk... maybe it's my bones? i don't know...

i have a bottle of it at home... probably bought by my dad for his joints. he used to be a school runner... so i guess it's quite the same thing... over-exertion.

it hurts.

both inwardly and physically. it hurts that at the tender age of 20 going onto 21 i have such problems and of course it hurts me physically when i walk too much or sth.

God, help me.

been trying at my term paper that is due next week. somehow i don't feel all too confident about this one. :*(

bones?!?

interesting comment from diana on my tag board... don't see the obsession of bones and thus i wrote my earlier blog... of course, part of the reason was to excuse myself for my lack of words when 'those' comments come about and i seeth.

nah i would want a butt and chest, believe me... just that any other fat globules other than those would seem redundant... but in retrospect, they provide good cushioning when i bend over too much and stuff... so i thank God for them anyways... given my clumsiness... :)

it's coming to the end of may and i must say that times flies... really fast.

been back for almost two months already and it doesn't seem like so, yet so much has occurred within me emotionally, spiritually and mentally that i am apt to think it short yet long...

the beginning of august would post as rather a major change in life for me... no one to rant to, no one to listen to the rants, no one to patiently ignore my crazy sentiments and laugh occasional times, provide the simple solutional insight, calm my nerves down... etc.

sigh. life's like that.

bohemian chic.

as opposed to popular beliefs, i try not to do too much mix-and-match with clothing before i go to church, or anywhere, more than before. i simply wear what i like to and what's convenient, which has either been hanging around waiting for me to pick up or flats that allow me to run after public transport.

but with the prior thoughts that got me shopping in the past, the look has been, undoubtedly, a little more 'bohemian'. Nic said that and supposed it to be a compliment. i think i took it well. :)

perhaps it's the lacklustre child's-play with barbies and kens, that got me more interested in clothes currently. swords and guns don't teach you anything much about being womanly and girlish except suggest that silver or black, between themselves, are wonderful colours to work with.

prattling on... i disguise a disgust for some. i cannot comprehend why some people are the way they are. why they're forever so outwardly attention seeking (as if being silently attention seeking isn't enough). and then i think to myself. maybe i am one of them.

all that talk makes me sick. literally.

"hi, how was the US? Oh, you put on weight didn't you?"

"oh it was good. a really great experience. *silence*"

how do you expect someone to answer that sort of question?

I thought and carried out a few alternatives:

1. "yeah and so I am going on a diet now. been exercising and running and all."

Response: "huh? no need la, you're not that fat la..."

counter-response: *pure irritation* *then shut up about the "getting plump"* *stop contradicting yourself*

2. "oh really? which part did I put on weight? the face? the arms? where?"

Response: "er... i don't know la... maybe the face, maybe the arms... i don't really know"

counter-response: *pure irritation* *if you don't know where then don't take it as given that everyone who goes to the US has to "put on weight"*

3. "oh really? but i slimmed down leh"

Response: "huh... then i think... erm... i don't know la... haha..."

counter-response: *pure irritation* *if you like that sort of thing played on you, please continue doing so*

my mom says that i am resistant to comments. i refuse to acknowledge that, ironically.

i would say i am irritated by comments without solutions or suggestions. comments without basis and thought. and comments that don't go through processing through the brain before it comes out from the mouth.

do you know what these comments confirm? for one, you can say that i am a completely insecure person who doesn't know how to withstand comments like that and refuse judgement. you could also say that the world is becoming too much 'looks-oriented', as well as 'surfacial'.

must every conversation start with one losing the weight or gaining some? must every statement carry some weight about make-up, complexion and shape? can't everyone say something more substantial? can't they dig deeper and defy the perverse-anorexia-tormented- world and question beliefs rather than fats?

much as i am seething from these misconceptions and trying to become more of the woman God wants me to be-and i believe being slim has nothing to do with that... i think i must understand something...

i used to be obsessed with my weight. i tried extensive dieting and exercise. i went through tablets to aid fat combustion and cellulite solvation. but what did i gain? a heightened awareness of my imperfections and lower self-esteem that didn't benefit me in any way. i was deprived of food and joy in eating (something i used to enjoy to a great extent)... i was mentally drained from trying to resist temptations...

i went overseas and continued my obsession. alicia called me a health freak and said i never ate anything fun.

i didn't do anything about it until halfway through my stay there... i decided to do whatever i wanted and eat whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted, without whatever reason.

i am more horizontally challenged than before. but i enjoy and embrace it. i eat more than before and embrace it. i can do whatever i like now and embrace it. life is so much better to live when one is free from preconceived misconceptions and notions...

besides, i don't want to diet now and have to diet even more in the future when my metabolism does decrease eventually with age.

4. "oh really? i did? haha, that's good! to be able to eat is bliss! and i am enjoying it better, even if you don't agree. "

Response: *silence*

Counter-response: unaffectedly affecting and bliss.

open arms.

within journey's open arms lies the simplistic thing i want to have in life- God and me, enjoying life together with what he has in store for me.

but along the way, i was selfish and equally ignorant- and so i found myself entrenched with a load of commitments that either fell my way or was picked up deliberately to find a more fulfilling life which was more or less defined by me. impatient, i ventured into almost everything and i prided myself in being able to experience so many things, but thought-processes which are crucial to every and any life needed to be done. i didn't allow it partly for the fear of the unexpected events and issues that i might have to face, having left it behind for so long... and partly with the then current realities of packed schedules.

i lived life for myself, and i answered to no one else but myself. so you can imagine the shock and trauma i went through and still am going through when i ironically realised there's more to the environment than what i used to see. there are people out there (other than the ones i know and share convictions with) whom i needed to consider and form a community of believers with. I don't know if it is so that I have to form a community with believers only but I was then used to having whatever friends I had- and both christians or non christians alike would be an accidental fact. perhaps it was also due to the fact that i came from a christian school which had a large population of christians and so i never saw the need to join any christian organisations for that matter, since well, i was living in a community of believers! but puberscent teenagers do not really like to live too religiously and so fun with christian friends of mine consisted of hanging out, watching movies, gorging buffets, skating and dancing (break dancing more apparently) and etc.

then i came out of that closely knitted environments and stepped out into foreign 'unchristian' land- junior college. i chose to go to temasek for a couple of reasons i deem reasonable.
1. my mandarin sucked and knowing what an economy china would become, i had to go to a predominantly chinese sch to brush up on that.
2. my results allowed me have place there.
3. it was reasonable to assume pride in being part of the top 5 JCs (but later i realise why they always emphasized top 5, cause temasek was always no. 5, never better).
4. i didn't want to engage in a christian sch (ACJC) because it was too far away from home and it's going to be like SHSS, i thought.

junior college was a zombie's world. i slept 4-5 hours everyday and tirelessly went for trainings artistically (drama) and physcially (tennis). on top of copying the tons of homework and doing the bare minimum to get by, i also went out and hung out quite a fair bit (being relationally engaged at a young age). it wasn't disaster. neither was it pleasant. it had it's good times and bad. for that it was yet another experience to remember.

when i entered nus' business school, it was a turning point in life. you see, i had many aspirations. i once dreamed of being an eye surgeon, a neurologist, a gynaecologist or a woman's doctor. it was never about business. i also gave serious thought to becoming an engineer, either mechanical or electrical. but i put bioengineering into my choices form because it had 'greater career prospects'. i got it. but rejected it. i missed melbourne uni's dateline for medicine and dentistry by a day (which meant i had to wait a whole year for entry and i wouldn't be sure of entering anyway). i thought of retaking the 'A's... but it was altogether too traumatizing... reason being that i knew i could attain better results, but freak incidents during the 'A's such as a mental block during 1 of the 2 f math papers and knowing exactly how to answer everything when i came out of the exam hall and memorising correctly the wrong answers giving by a chemistry teacher for a highly weighed question gave me no courage to do so.

so i resented being in business. sure, the entry points are supposedly tougher, but i had no passion. and passion drives people to do things they never thought possible. for me, having no passion made me do the things i never thought possible: giving up on myself and my studies. plunging into a myriad of activities to ease the disappointment of it all.

having recently been released from what i now deem as unnecessary activities in school, i pledged allegience to God by wanting to give him my time in church and vcf. i thought that nothing could go wrong this time around... i was proven wrong.

i prayed to him to let me know which one to get out of (given that i had reason to think what i have is too much, really) but he told me which ones to get into- dance, epistole and chairing anntic in vcf.

i winced. because if it were something more familiar and easy to do, something which i have been doing all these while, and taking out the unfamiliar, it would have been a breeze... but would it? i looked back at the rest of the things left unconfirmed: cell leading, leading in worship and playing the piano. i looked at what it entailed for me: long practices and having to go for dinos because i am a leader there and having to lead another cell group. with dance becoming fast like a cell group of dancers and vcf's cell group, 4 is really too much.

so rationalising, if i have to go for dance and vcf's cell group, do i have to hold on to the rest of the commitments? would it be too much? am i saying it's too much because i am using my head and not my heart and passion for God to judge it? or am i simply afraid to get burnt out again? am i not willing to give up precious time with the people i currently spend more time with: my family and close friends, along with activities that i love? is this how firstfruits of sacrifice is constituted?

much as i know God is a God of passion and he gives strength to those who ask of him... and we will not 'grow weary' and we shall 'fly like eagles'... God gives wisdom, doesn't he? He gives us wisdom to manage our everyday life and of course while there are people who have to ask God whether they have to take a breath or brush their teeth, i am not the sort to sit there waiting... but has it been a flaw of mine? so that what resulted was taking up too many things and now i am facing the 'consequences' of confusion, irritation and moodiness that comes along with psychological stress?

honestly, no one can be conceived as a problem that needs to be found out so that solutions can be found. I think I am no more complex than other people are. I have come to terms with that. and so I never try to solve other people's personal problems except attempt, with what little hearing skills i have to ty and understand and sympathize... and let God handle my fellow brothers or sisters... i occasionally try to put my hand into matters but i realise it complicates things.

No girl (and if so i would believe guy) would want to be subjected to pin-points of a problem when speaking from the heart. this is the pride of men. and this is the need of wanting to be listened to. what's worse is when stereotypical solutions are suggested when they don't constitute a fit to the problem.

this is anthropology from a minor perspective. i can't think in any other way but this. forgive me if this sounds overtly arrogant or i sound like a displaced youth who don't seem to accede to the demands of what constitutes a typical youth in singapore. you see, i don't think there is a typical youth out there. everyone's atypical when you look hard and good within...

it's elementary my dear sophie.

here i am left always wondering why and how my thoughts can be conceived so easily and i realised that this is a public blog which has its own addresses sent out to various people by yours truly...

shall i be more aware of what i put up and what i don't?

*luffs* looking back past entries... it's been a bunch of rubbish anyway... i tend to look back and regret things that i have said and done... but having them there as stark reminders keep me on my toes to be less dumb.

was doing some research the whole morning and i am worried i can't come up with an acceptable term paper in two weeks... yes, it's due in two weeks and the weeks ahead have got me engaged with all sorts of rubbish but legitimate stuff... i desperately need to find time to get myself in tune... sociology and singapore's core values... national education and policies... the ministry of education and the effects on the political, economic and social environment...

excuses.

:(

i was trying to cheer moses up the whole day and i myself got a little miffed... when things didn't occur as i had planned...

but in any case me and moses would meet up one day... :)

me and adelia went to shop for ad's present today... was nice hanging out with her as always and met a tjcian on the way back home from bugis... i hope ad likes the presents... :)

is 930pm a bedtime???

unfulfilled dreams of char quay teow and laksa...

why does good food constitute an unhealthy diet? :(

watching the food variety shows have made me want to try out more char quay teow, laksa, neoh hiang, yong tau foo, char teow quay, ah-balling, pop piah etc than i have been eating...

it's never enough ain't it?

hair scare.

well they're going to do more to my hair than i thought and apparently the outcome doesn't seem to be as properous as i had imagined... going to have an entirely black crop of hair once i would be done with that... *yeeks*

but oh well, what the heck...

readings are piling up everyday.

marry a man who would care for others...

i think that ultimately, at the end of the day, a man who is willing to serve others other than himself is worth marrying... not only would he care for you really well, his act of caring for others would spur you in encouragement to serve with a willing heart as well...

i went to the old folks' home today to help out a little... push the old folks into the church for service and chatted with them whilst and after we fed some of them...

although the fact of their abandonment is hard to swallow, it's harder to think that we don't appreciate what God has given to us, and we don't use whatever we have got to serve others... our time and efforts... most times thinking that we haven't got the time due to having so much church service to cover, and at others thinking that we don't have the aptitude to serve others in this way...

i never felt this way before... waking up so early in the morning to travel to boon lay to serve... and wasn't disappointed when i got there... i was really glad i came... there are people in this world who need help... many of them lonely and needing a hand, or ears to hear them out... someone to share their interests and someone to make what we call 'unnecessary talk'...

and it seems like the age gap between me and my older cousins is closing in... just met up with some of them while i was there at my close-cousin-cum-godbrother's 21st bday... and i realise that i can actually play with kids! i am not irritable with kids suddenly...

so suddenly... so many things have changed...

and soon, more to come... soon...

there are times you really hate yourself...

there are times when i really hate myself... for reasons that, logically, aren't legitimate. but i blame myself for them anyway... i tend to think that women are in general, like this... we try to take on all responsibility for everyone else and more so for ourselves that everything wrong that happens around us is our fault. and no one else is. of course then, there are times we blame everyone else but ourselves...

extreme creatures we are...

one moment happy, one moment cranky. one moment feeling blessed, the other feeling bitchy.

but God loves us all... why don't i see that all the time?

why.

:) i cried like a baby today... broken. broken away from my burdens and expectations. from my unforgiveness of myself. from my unforgiveness i had towards God. from my unforgiveness from people whom i have always thought had a stake in my failures...

sister sharmini shared wonderful moments with us. every time i think that i have nothing to do with dance, God reinstates me once and again... although i wonder why - i have not touched dance for real since i was 5 or 6, and occasional dances don't really count do they? but in dance we use our whole bodies, making us more aware of using our whole beings to worship him... but i sensed so much within me that's unworthy and uncleansed... until sharmini prayed for me and shared with me that God wants me to bring to my friends in dance, love and joy. ironically i have never been known to possess either... so why? i don't know...

surely the flexibility i have retained somewhat has to come from somewhere... so i rationalised my joining the dance ministry... but that wasn't what he had in mind for me... seems like i have to minister to my sisters in song and piano... something i have been equipped with since young... and i am finally putting things all together... slowly but surely...

dancing in the spirit is wonderful. a little scary at first, but you feel beautiful inside. feel ministered to. feels good.

muscles.

hm... i am starting to think that maybe i may be too muscular for my own good... ok so i don't really have a whole load of them, but definitely more than the average girl... though i would argue that most sports people got them... i don't even dare say i have toned arms and thighs cause that wouldn't be right...

went for the dance retreat today and uncle lawrence was telling me not to lift weights so much... thing is... i used to lift a whole bunch in the past and got peanuts for muscles... now when i don't bother... i have got them... how do you explain such oddities?

i used to like having the toned body. said that a few blog entries back... and i still do.

when elaine from coos was teaching us some dance moves... i realised you have got to have those muscles man... :) made it alot easier...

verdict? just let them be... after all, what can i do?

tennis helps work them out too...

a little dizzy...

dizzy from the amount of readings done and yet to be done. dizzy from the fact that everything that i have conjured up in mind from the readings doesn't run parallel with what needs to be said and discussed in writing and speaking in class...

i think it's more difficult to unlearn the previous sociology stuff and re-learn something new from a different perspective... sheesh... it's really horrid actually... imagine history, political science, anthropology, economics, building and housing etc. all crammed into one module...

and i expected this to be a nice ride actually...

oh well. bummer.

a little less conversation, a little more action please

and action my lecturer did. i think he's wonderful to keep teaching with that same enthusiasm and spark although the class seemed to be highly disinterested. and it's teachers like that who keep the interests alive in those few students who actually bother to listen...

i am so going to sound like a teeny-bopper hopper but the american idol season this time around was rather fantastic... would hate to see any of them go...

a little spark, to understand a little hard.

some things are best left understood.

i was just thinking that maybe and perhaps i could leave things the way they were. not understood and not misunderstood. but it wasn't meant to be. i was asking God why i suddenly felt all that is within me left without a word and didn't attempt to make any comeback. i asked the Lord why I wasn't thinking straight and wasn't myself... but these few days alone, i found them slowly. and surely.

and just when i thought that my life for the next half of the year would be a breeze and very much less of commitment since i dropped out of my other ccas and would only be concentrating on vcf and church related things... church related ones being dance and youth min which includes the music min... vcf being epistole and coming for contact groups. but i was wrong... it's not going to be such a breeze for me... would be heading anntic committee for this year... how ironic it is that a year back when i asked the Lord he told me i would become the anntic chairperson but because i wasn't too gamed for the idea i was relieved that angeline took it up and i played a supporting role... didn't know God had such a sense of humour...

so i am back at it again... would be running here and there all over once more... but with more direction! i threw aside all non related 'unnecessaries'...

i found fiesty, hard-core, feminist. michael did it again!!!

just when i thought i had lost all personality and sense... somewhat always doing the things i never expected- senseless and without solid backing... i found fiesty, hard-core and feminist again... i think i need to be around people... it energises me... much as i tried to be a one-lady-island... i couldn't. some people are just not meant to be alone...

and yes the Formula 1 races are heating up without the dominance of any team.. (cross fingers) i really hope for michael schumacher to make a huge comeback this time around... without all the car engine issues and problems... :) he has and will always be my F1 hero...

just imagine, you're much older and you know you have to work harder than anyone to get to the expected fitness level... but you work so hard that despite your age, you're the fittest of them all... and you possess control with speed... hard-headedness with versatality...

you should be a lawyer.

i have always gotten those remarks... haha... but the thing is: girls always have a knack of making a molehill out of nothing... and we have a knack of catching guys at their little remarks and turning them against them... nothing impressive about this except the fact that alot of girls can do this too :)

just hung out with some bizad friends at a bbq... was horrible at first because it rained and stopped and perpectually brought us through that for the whole of the night... but nothing really dampened the spirits of the election and all the guys were vehemently yakking away about it like most macho dudes who want to prove their brains would (they didn't have to, i think they've got enough to fill cupfuls) and the girls? talking about how to handle and cook the food we bought.

and they think us girls have nothing else better to talk about than these mundane things... well... for one, they eat the food we prepare while they talk of things that doesn't fill their stomach in the first place... being so short sighted they don't think of their own needs, how would they think of others'? thirdly, if we girls always talk about clothing and what nots and it forms a huge part of whether girls are considered as attractive or not by guys... (though sad to say) they shouldn't be complaining... *luffs*

okies i shall cease to demean with what little sense i have.

edward called me a chilli padi. shawn said the title. chris couldn't handle me and mark found me amusing...

oh well i really enjoyed the time with elaine alot though... :) she's sweet... guys, look out for girls like her... capable, can cook and very sociable...

bleachers.

well i finally had a hair change- as much as i wanted! hair partially bleached and baby-dollish fringe with short hair... perfect.

though i am not going to score any job interviews in the near future... :)

went for an image course with my mom just now... was pretty interesting how you can use your body language (both static and dynamic) to create a beneficial situation...

kinda missed someone a little... don't know why...

when you're happy before you know it time flies past.

but it's the wonder of the experience that makes it so exceedingly intriguing... it's been a month now and i would be just about to start school next monday... wow. that's fast. and what have i accomplished? just about a dozen books read, more than a couple of great movies watched and tons of comic books flipped through. i haven't gotten to the ultimate task as yet- packing my room. i don't have the persistance to, cause everytime i try to pack things up, they end up untidy anyway...

i'll miss freedom, and slacking.

will miss doing my 'own things' and not what others ask of me to do day in and out.

would miss being ignorant of work to do...