all that talk makes me sick. literally.

"hi, how was the US? Oh, you put on weight didn't you?"

"oh it was good. a really great experience. *silence*"

how do you expect someone to answer that sort of question?

I thought and carried out a few alternatives:

1. "yeah and so I am going on a diet now. been exercising and running and all."

Response: "huh? no need la, you're not that fat la..."

counter-response: *pure irritation* *then shut up about the "getting plump"* *stop contradicting yourself*

2. "oh really? which part did I put on weight? the face? the arms? where?"

Response: "er... i don't know la... maybe the face, maybe the arms... i don't really know"

counter-response: *pure irritation* *if you don't know where then don't take it as given that everyone who goes to the US has to "put on weight"*

3. "oh really? but i slimmed down leh"

Response: "huh... then i think... erm... i don't know la... haha..."

counter-response: *pure irritation* *if you like that sort of thing played on you, please continue doing so*

my mom says that i am resistant to comments. i refuse to acknowledge that, ironically.

i would say i am irritated by comments without solutions or suggestions. comments without basis and thought. and comments that don't go through processing through the brain before it comes out from the mouth.

do you know what these comments confirm? for one, you can say that i am a completely insecure person who doesn't know how to withstand comments like that and refuse judgement. you could also say that the world is becoming too much 'looks-oriented', as well as 'surfacial'.

must every conversation start with one losing the weight or gaining some? must every statement carry some weight about make-up, complexion and shape? can't everyone say something more substantial? can't they dig deeper and defy the perverse-anorexia-tormented- world and question beliefs rather than fats?

much as i am seething from these misconceptions and trying to become more of the woman God wants me to be-and i believe being slim has nothing to do with that... i think i must understand something...

i used to be obsessed with my weight. i tried extensive dieting and exercise. i went through tablets to aid fat combustion and cellulite solvation. but what did i gain? a heightened awareness of my imperfections and lower self-esteem that didn't benefit me in any way. i was deprived of food and joy in eating (something i used to enjoy to a great extent)... i was mentally drained from trying to resist temptations...

i went overseas and continued my obsession. alicia called me a health freak and said i never ate anything fun.

i didn't do anything about it until halfway through my stay there... i decided to do whatever i wanted and eat whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted, without whatever reason.

i am more horizontally challenged than before. but i enjoy and embrace it. i eat more than before and embrace it. i can do whatever i like now and embrace it. life is so much better to live when one is free from preconceived misconceptions and notions...

besides, i don't want to diet now and have to diet even more in the future when my metabolism does decrease eventually with age.

4. "oh really? i did? haha, that's good! to be able to eat is bliss! and i am enjoying it better, even if you don't agree. "

Response: *silence*

Counter-response: unaffectedly affecting and bliss.