open arms.

within journey's open arms lies the simplistic thing i want to have in life- God and me, enjoying life together with what he has in store for me.

but along the way, i was selfish and equally ignorant- and so i found myself entrenched with a load of commitments that either fell my way or was picked up deliberately to find a more fulfilling life which was more or less defined by me. impatient, i ventured into almost everything and i prided myself in being able to experience so many things, but thought-processes which are crucial to every and any life needed to be done. i didn't allow it partly for the fear of the unexpected events and issues that i might have to face, having left it behind for so long... and partly with the then current realities of packed schedules.

i lived life for myself, and i answered to no one else but myself. so you can imagine the shock and trauma i went through and still am going through when i ironically realised there's more to the environment than what i used to see. there are people out there (other than the ones i know and share convictions with) whom i needed to consider and form a community of believers with. I don't know if it is so that I have to form a community with believers only but I was then used to having whatever friends I had- and both christians or non christians alike would be an accidental fact. perhaps it was also due to the fact that i came from a christian school which had a large population of christians and so i never saw the need to join any christian organisations for that matter, since well, i was living in a community of believers! but puberscent teenagers do not really like to live too religiously and so fun with christian friends of mine consisted of hanging out, watching movies, gorging buffets, skating and dancing (break dancing more apparently) and etc.

then i came out of that closely knitted environments and stepped out into foreign 'unchristian' land- junior college. i chose to go to temasek for a couple of reasons i deem reasonable.
1. my mandarin sucked and knowing what an economy china would become, i had to go to a predominantly chinese sch to brush up on that.
2. my results allowed me have place there.
3. it was reasonable to assume pride in being part of the top 5 JCs (but later i realise why they always emphasized top 5, cause temasek was always no. 5, never better).
4. i didn't want to engage in a christian sch (ACJC) because it was too far away from home and it's going to be like SHSS, i thought.

junior college was a zombie's world. i slept 4-5 hours everyday and tirelessly went for trainings artistically (drama) and physcially (tennis). on top of copying the tons of homework and doing the bare minimum to get by, i also went out and hung out quite a fair bit (being relationally engaged at a young age). it wasn't disaster. neither was it pleasant. it had it's good times and bad. for that it was yet another experience to remember.

when i entered nus' business school, it was a turning point in life. you see, i had many aspirations. i once dreamed of being an eye surgeon, a neurologist, a gynaecologist or a woman's doctor. it was never about business. i also gave serious thought to becoming an engineer, either mechanical or electrical. but i put bioengineering into my choices form because it had 'greater career prospects'. i got it. but rejected it. i missed melbourne uni's dateline for medicine and dentistry by a day (which meant i had to wait a whole year for entry and i wouldn't be sure of entering anyway). i thought of retaking the 'A's... but it was altogether too traumatizing... reason being that i knew i could attain better results, but freak incidents during the 'A's such as a mental block during 1 of the 2 f math papers and knowing exactly how to answer everything when i came out of the exam hall and memorising correctly the wrong answers giving by a chemistry teacher for a highly weighed question gave me no courage to do so.

so i resented being in business. sure, the entry points are supposedly tougher, but i had no passion. and passion drives people to do things they never thought possible. for me, having no passion made me do the things i never thought possible: giving up on myself and my studies. plunging into a myriad of activities to ease the disappointment of it all.

having recently been released from what i now deem as unnecessary activities in school, i pledged allegience to God by wanting to give him my time in church and vcf. i thought that nothing could go wrong this time around... i was proven wrong.

i prayed to him to let me know which one to get out of (given that i had reason to think what i have is too much, really) but he told me which ones to get into- dance, epistole and chairing anntic in vcf.

i winced. because if it were something more familiar and easy to do, something which i have been doing all these while, and taking out the unfamiliar, it would have been a breeze... but would it? i looked back at the rest of the things left unconfirmed: cell leading, leading in worship and playing the piano. i looked at what it entailed for me: long practices and having to go for dinos because i am a leader there and having to lead another cell group. with dance becoming fast like a cell group of dancers and vcf's cell group, 4 is really too much.

so rationalising, if i have to go for dance and vcf's cell group, do i have to hold on to the rest of the commitments? would it be too much? am i saying it's too much because i am using my head and not my heart and passion for God to judge it? or am i simply afraid to get burnt out again? am i not willing to give up precious time with the people i currently spend more time with: my family and close friends, along with activities that i love? is this how firstfruits of sacrifice is constituted?

much as i know God is a God of passion and he gives strength to those who ask of him... and we will not 'grow weary' and we shall 'fly like eagles'... God gives wisdom, doesn't he? He gives us wisdom to manage our everyday life and of course while there are people who have to ask God whether they have to take a breath or brush their teeth, i am not the sort to sit there waiting... but has it been a flaw of mine? so that what resulted was taking up too many things and now i am facing the 'consequences' of confusion, irritation and moodiness that comes along with psychological stress?

honestly, no one can be conceived as a problem that needs to be found out so that solutions can be found. I think I am no more complex than other people are. I have come to terms with that. and so I never try to solve other people's personal problems except attempt, with what little hearing skills i have to ty and understand and sympathize... and let God handle my fellow brothers or sisters... i occasionally try to put my hand into matters but i realise it complicates things.

No girl (and if so i would believe guy) would want to be subjected to pin-points of a problem when speaking from the heart. this is the pride of men. and this is the need of wanting to be listened to. what's worse is when stereotypical solutions are suggested when they don't constitute a fit to the problem.

this is anthropology from a minor perspective. i can't think in any other way but this. forgive me if this sounds overtly arrogant or i sound like a displaced youth who don't seem to accede to the demands of what constitutes a typical youth in singapore. you see, i don't think there is a typical youth out there. everyone's atypical when you look hard and good within...