quoted unquoted. cover uncovered.

i kinda find life a little more interestingly hard to live at the moment.

and it's not about the work one's got to do (although that in itself is enough to kill)

ya, as if work's not enough, we've still got so much silly stuff to tend to. which i don't even know where to begin with and what to start with...

i feel valued in some ways, in some ways, not so stellar. in some ways i understand that everyone has the standard same number of hours and whilst some others choose to use the time a more in A than B, it's more like me to put time where others don't really put their time into. like more into B than A. so that makes me not so popular in A and while B wants to embrace me, i can't because of what i am, and what i need to do. a duty to accomplish with much sacrifice... yet i don't know if people actually see it through my eyes, or try to in any case...

no they don't. i don't think so. everyone's too busy with their own lives just like me in my own to think about such stuff...

and even if they do, so what? nothing's accomplished unless there is true acceptance and love and we haven't exactly reached that stage in our christian walk...

i only feel out of place because my childhood friends who were once with me are no longer. time has moved on and so have i. yet i'm questioning which is the right. who determines what is right? The Lord says that we have to be in the world but not of the world- that in itself, i'm strongly struggling with... the Lord says we have to be a part of the community... the church. but in some ways i don't feel i belong to the 'correct' group...

you know... i can actually feel more comfortable with the adults from my dad's cell than people my age in church. i now understand why there are so many younger christians in church who don't attend the youth service. do i blame them? no i don't. and my cell currently has alot of those people i mentioned about. seems like i'm not really going to care about details... i'm just going to do what i need to do. know that they shouldn't in any case feel the way i do. find community within the cell group... i just be there to facilitate. then maybe when everything's fine and settled... i'll move out and see where else i can serve... where else i should go...

so should we go ahead and make judgements when people do leave the church? I wonder... i'm for the case that under every circumstance i would want to project a christian community that loves, whether or not at that point in time that person did feel part of the community... that accepts...

but i ask myself... you accept and love... but are you there enough?

do you spend enough time there for others to see and be encouraged? no. i'm merely a selfish little spoilt girl who thinks nothing but golf no?

and some occcasional shopping.

i admit. i'm different. not because of whatever circumstances i am in. i'm arrogant yet not ignorant of the fact. i choose to appear ignorant and do whatever i want to do. why? because i do the things i do not want to do and do not do the things i need to do... i believe i think really different and feel really different. since young it has always been that way i guess. how many more people actually have gone through death and returned only to want to do more and nothing else?

except that sometimes my attention is viewed as incorrectly placed. but why? who dictates what? must we always be joining every christian activity? in your wishes and your choices? i have mine and i don't intend to let them down...

so i have a cca. i spend a great deal of time on it. does that make me any less a christian? it's up to your discretion. but i encourage my friends there. aren't i in the world? and now i'm trying to pull away from this... simply because i want to be free from it to serve God in other areas i haven't explored. like dance and in writing... does that make me less focused?

not that i ignore my friends from aiesec. i'm on good terms with them and they know they always can count on me being nice and smiling always... thank God that i can still be a testimony thus far... but it ain't easy... especially when no one appreciates the fact that you're doing what you are doing... simply because they don't understand...

of course i do have christian friends along the way who encourage and pray alongside with me... thank God for my friends in VCF... don't know what it would have been had i not met them... much as i don't get to see them often... i see them very little... yet there is a community and love i don't find elsewhere... who blames me for being selfish and wanting to join more of vcf? no one should.

thank you those guys aka security for making my trip down to cell so wonderful today... you guys showed you cared. especially in a time when i was contemplating alot. it wasn't much to ask about my day and listen to my crap... but you guys did. andrew, derrick and des... thanks...

hey bro, you rock man!

i'm trying very hard to be laconic. but i'm vocal and so what? discriminate again?