mymostblessedworld

Shocking.

2009-07-07T19:31:00.008-07:00

or am I just being harsh?

Just read an article about how President Obama's daughters are excited at the thought of going to Russia with him on a diplomatic trip. The article was sweet, but the comments after were staggering pieces of evidences that there are idiotic people out there.

I don't have much to say about how appropriate it was to take his daughters and wife along with him- I would just assume that since he is Mr. President 24/7 and he obviously works 'overtime', (although that is understated) shouldn't a man have some quality time with his family? Especially when it isn't breaking any laws to do so. Some people compare this issue with Palin's- but for effing sake- she is NO President! And whilst she puts on her reading glasses to appear more intelligent, she certainly didn't read nor understand rules and regulations when she expensed her "usual expense claims" for her clothes, children, husband and most of all- herself. President Obama had the right to do so and any person in the right frame of mind would do so if this were the case. Blame the policy, not the man. Blame yourself for not arguing against that eons ago when every president did so too. Losers.

Besides, you see those CEOs / Board of directors earning millions because you contributed to their empire through satiating your wants and purchases? THEY earn a lot more money than Mr.President here and still get the perks. Managing some 1 billion or less net worth of a company warrants such a high salary already, I would imagine the immense task of the President of the USA should warrant a 50 million a year salary or more! But it isn't the case, so the perks shouldn't even be talked about. Period. It only shows your ignorance when you debate about such small and petty issues.

I do however, have much to say about Palin's presidency and the republican party. That woman is NOT president material. I was a little shocked in finding out from an American girlfriend of mine who's republican that she voted republican in the last election. My friend's smart and I highly respect her. But in all I could not bring myself to agree that this is the best thing she could have done. I asked her why and she told me that she's republican and that is not going to change, and so she didn't think much about it when she voted (she admitted after I challenged her statement that the republicans spend less and tax less than democrats on everything and that is to the nation's interest). I couldn't see her point also that the US economy is in this state right now because of what Bill Clinton did that made the economy look so bad in Bush's time. But I could only understand her point that anyone being in Bush's shoes might have done the same thing- to go to war. To be fair, I might have. But I am not a politician. Politicians should have more foresight and insight than to follow the sentiments and make a popular decision that he knew couldn't be backed up with hard facts. About Palin- she said that the republican party found a scape goat in her when they lost- so she's really not to blame.

My points:
1. Palin's not very smart. She cannot be a politican. Think about all the awkward moments she had with journalists when she couldn't answer simple questions like experience with foreign relations and a newspaper she subscribes to to read about the US and world's affairs.
Think about how she took 7 years to complete a 3 year course to obviously concentrate on things she felt were more important - pageants?!?

My friend debated that she had friends who did that too in school etc. I said yeah but they weren't politicians were they? Politicians should be the very best the country can offer and I don't beat around the bush when I say I expect them to be at least visibly competent when you ignore the academics. Palin's not.

Also about being the scapegoat, well to be brutally honest if she had been more intelligent or at least appeared to be so, no one was going to fault her for losing the election.

2. How does managing 7000 people in a small community of Alaska compare to managing 200 million people in the USA and 6 billion around the world? You're looking for the leader of the free world, not the leader of a number only large enough to compare it to that of a mid sized MNC.

3. Republicans do not spend less - spending less on the economy and more of war does not justify 'less spending'! In fact, spending on the economy is an investment for future benefits, spending on war... (well you can argue it's for future benefits) but still... that's a sentiment not shared by everyone.

4. Less Taxes does not justify voting for republicans- you still spend the same about of money but collect less- that just means your future generations are going to suffer for the benefits they did not get!

The rich can afford to pay more out of their pay packages, the poor cannot. Getting the rich to pay more makes sure everyone gets by ok. Of course you can question the way benefits are handed out, but that is another issue to tackle altogether.

5. Bush was enjoying the benefits, not delayed trouble from the democrats' term in office. The economy went haywire from the effects of the war, US was still holding up for the initial stage of war until the weight of it caved the economy in.

6. May the best man win- I see not republicans versus democrats but more of the best person for the job. Race is out of the question, it's intelligence, strong economic acumen, readiness and a quickness in mind to get to the solution as soon as possible that should have been key factors in voting.

7. If it were out of religious sentiments that people vote for the republicans, that people were voting for laws against abortion etc. That sounds logical. But with that you're voting for guns ownership and an innate sense of fear and need for protection that came along with it (against who I might add? against everyone else not like themselves!).

8. Lastly, an asian voting republican is quite ironic because of the extreme republican politicians with the exception fo others now seem to be white supremists. If they'll attack the blacks now, they'll attack anyone too but their own.

ramblings... a year of reflection

2009-07-07T01:49:00.004-07:00

It's quite excruciating to think about the ways in which I have changed over the years, but yet inherently you would think that there must have been some significant changes if your friends say so, and your family thinks so. I myself find it hard to believe, because I don't think my logic can lie, but then again sometimes the mind doesn't comprehend the complexities of life. Sometimes your left brain doesn't communicate with the right. Sometimes you're blinded by your own blinds...

A year on, a year older. A year that was fraught with so much challenges, yet endowed with so many blessings. It's hard to put to words what I feel about the year that has passed. But I must say 1 thing- that it has been great living through it, I have lived it the way I wanted (even looking back), I have no regrets and I have thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it.

A year in my company brought along with it deeply forged friendships with colleagues whom I call friends, so many fantastic learning opportunities at work and in the studies I had to uptake, a more intricate discovery of my strengths and personality, and a realization of who I wanted to be.

I am leaving with no regrets but much positive sentiments, gratitude and a focus. I feel if I am to leave something so fantastic, I had better darn work hard to be best at the next thing I do so as to make it worth the pain. I know I will try my best. God please provide me the rest.

The past year has been a torrent of work related commitments, without so much as a decent commitment to church activities. Yet activities of the latter beckon me when I least desire, and that is something I have to think through carefully now that I finally have the time to reflect and refocus. Months out of my home has taught me the beauty of being alone, the calm and recharging effect that meditation on the things I have done and have not done is something I desire and must schedule.

In any sense I think I am ready to move on because I feel this strong urge from God to take myself out of my comfort zone and move on. It's not easy and neither is it comprehensible by people other than my family, everyone respects my courage to make this decision and they wish me well- which is an effect more positive than I initially anticipated. Now the doors have been opened like I have asked and the conditions have been set right like I have requested as signs, I believe I need no longer doubt and move on as I should. No doubt it would be fraught with difficulties like ALL my pathways seem to bear, and I don't think it's going to be any easier than the path I used to take, but I know this for sure, I am confident that it is going to be so fulfilling and exciting, fruitful and eventful, that I can at the end of the day look back and say everything was just the way I would have wanted it to be, on hindsight.

You just don't know the measure of a man, or in this case women. You don't know the tenacity of the human spirit. You don't know the boundless wisdom we lack as a species. You don't know how things would need to be to be absolutely perfect and catered for our needs. You misunderstand and question God's direction for your life. You take everything in with so much anxiety it is as if you had lost your faith a while ago.

But someone doesn't give up, although he doesn't always remind you that He is there. He sends wonderful people in my life to bless me. I am so appreciative of my family and boyfriend. They mean the world to me, even when I don't take time off to appreciate all that they have done for me. God knows I need them. God knows my wants and needs even before I know them.

To God be ALL glory and honour and praise.

US Politics. Amazing.

2008-11-07T02:01:00.004-08:00

An incredibly silly yet ambitious showgirl, a 'maverick' who will not stop the war and suppresses his anger with little success every time he gets on stage, an 'almost quiet' long term politician caught between a 'good old friend' and trying to save the sanity of the nation, and last but definitely not the least- a measured and calm man, thoughtful and very intelligent, though with a tad bit less experience than the maverick, seemingly less ferocious, but with an appetite for justice and equality to reign again.

the US politics has taken the world by storm, with every eyeball glued to the screens and newspapers that churn out on an almost bi-daily basis... emotions run wild and accusations went deep, emotions went high and huge sighs of relief were the order of the day when Barack Obama finally won.

It was a long primary (for the democrats) and an even more intense election that took the breaths of people of every nation- every little nook was carved out, every little lie was exploded to the headlines and almost every logical and feasible economic solution was not presented due to the petty infighting and outward expressions of hate and discord. (and by this I mean the Republican party).

I pause to take it all in- it means that for once, the US can again be seen as the ideal nation to take after. Democracy and freedom (not just of speech) will be less compromised and hopefully not anymore. It means more so, that the limitations once placed on many have been lifted. A psychological barrier has been lifted, not so much by just one man but one man who inspired many to break through their own and come out of their comfort zones to be a voice, be someone, and be part of history. It reminded me of that man who broke the psychological barrier of the 4 minute mile run. It reminded me of entreprenuers and businessmen and women who strove to transfer their ideals in their heads to the willing listeners- and many a time had been dissed. It means also, to me, that it is NEVER IMPOSSIBLE for a woman like myself to succeed so incredibly well- if only I would put my heart, soul, mind and strength to it- and God willing.

I drew inspiration and strength from this election, the results took my bated breath away. I was fearful that the chance for psychological and racial barriers and breakthroughs might not come to pass due to the selfish, childish and almost impossibly silly people who cannot come to terms with the fact that the world has moved on, and they have not. The world has been enlightened and they wanted to be left behind. That the world seeks for peace amidst this turbulent times, but they want to sow discord and fear and issue threats to the rest of us in hope.

Because, even though the world may seem poised to crumble, even when the strength of the strong has been weakened- the weak can say they're strong, the poor can say they're rich, the blind can say they're able to see. With Hope, Faith and Love for one another, I believe the world can recover. We can do it. Yes We Can.

bittersweet.

2008-10-18T03:04:00.002-07:00

bittersweet feelings about my passing the company's course and getting the certification. I passed but I wonder about my capabilities to be even better.

bittersweet feelings about a good friend of mine finding the love of his life- now I get ignored and I wonder if I am being too possessive.

bittersweet feelings about my bf coming here to singapore for the whole of last week-because right now I miss him so much I feel almost like life kinda stopped for me when he left.

bittersweet feelings about seeing everyone moving on in their lives and I feel like I am being left behind.

bittersweet feelings about being myself - straightforward, honest and willing, especially when it is taken for granted and seen negatively.

bittersweet feelings about bittersweet- my mind's telling me not to waste time being bittersweet and get my ass to work...

Really looking forward to the F1 weekend ahead and beyond!

2008-09-25T00:12:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow marks the end of a rather trying week and a half for me. A week and a half of not understanding more than half of what I was reading, a week and a half spent deciding how best to present something to make others think I know alot about that subject and yet do not know it well enough. A week and a half of thinking about how I can hedge against risks that might come up along the way during a short hour long presentation... how should I do it?

But amazingly and somehow or other, I manage to gain a little more confidence each time I am assigned a new task. It seems that I am getting to be used to the learning process and having to explore and present the various modules in my company's software system. But this time round, I was given a 25% cut in time to prepare for a presenation that is supposed to be better. You get squeezed on both sides...

And I am expected to score alot better for tougher courses I get sent to- be so much better (marginally is out of the question) each time I interface with the client and my colleagues... I am not complaining- I am just wondering if I am learning things too slowly or my mates around me learn things way to quickly?

A good friend of mine just smsed me the other say saying that he is bored of his job as a trader. To me, that is like- wow I started earlier than this guy and I still feel as if I don't know enough and he is already bored? Makes me wonder if my job is really alot tougher. Well the guy genius in my office says it is - and I am inclined for my own benefit to think so :)

The F1 weekend starts tomorrow and it is so exciting to see for real something which I have been watching with my dad for some time now on TV... It's the live broadcast there and then but nothing beats the real thing- no? I don't know if I might actually enjoy it so much because it is right in front of my face or if it's because I would be going with my colleagues (and my colleagues are fun people) but I know that experience would either make me want to buy next year's ticket too or make me want to stay at home for good during the singapore races...

The following week ahead would have a holiday smacked right in the middle of the weekdays- I think my head for work might just not be there after tomorrow's presentation then... :p

then my bf comes to singapore to visit and meet with the recruiters for his job in singapore. and I would be taking 5 days worth of leave to enjoy his company :0)

then I fly off to Australia for my courses by my company...

then i come back, and then I had better study hard, make sure my 'O' levels kids are doing well in their preparations, go for cell group meetings and dance group bible studies... etc etc etc

and work hard too... life's like that.

ENTJ females...

2008-09-10T23:45:00.001-07:00

Takan from http://everythingandbutnothing.blogspot.com/2004/11/entj-woman-like-me.html

ENTJ woman like me...

Many NT types feel alone in the world at times. Given their relatively small numbers in the population, this is not surprising. NT females have a particularly difficult time in many instances: INTJ women are estimated at 1-2% of the population in some studies, while ENTJ women have it only slightly better at 2 - 4%. (Source: Charles Martin) While Martin's numbers vary slightly from Kiersey's, by either calculation, it's a small group.

The ENTJ female may find it difficult to select a mate who is not overwhelmed by her strong personality and will. (My husband reminds me of this all the time.)

Whoopi Goldberg and Sigourney Weaver are fellow ENTJ women.

Clearly, gender issues are especially significant for ENTJ females. As a type, their arrogant, confrontational manner and need for control can appear to be quite "unwomanly" to others. Efforts by parents and others to mold them into more traditional female images are usually met with rebellion. Other women usually resent the arrogance of ENTJ females may unwittingly find herself to be a loner, something particularly difficult for Extraverts.

Of course, the problem intensifies for the ENTJ female when dealing with men, even male ENTJs. Their demanding, objective, competent, and independent nature is not particularly endearing to most men. These qualities may obscure the fact that ENTJ females can be quite nurturing and caring. For them, femininity is not defined by traditional roles. It is reflected in the total involvement and commitment they bring to each moment of life.

Relaxation does not come easily to most ENTJs and when it does, it is only because it has been scheduled. Even then it is viewed as one more assignment to master, and ENTJs attack such challenges with zeal and complusiveness. (!!!)

Gosh this describes me to the T

2008-09-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

Rational women tend to be late bloomers on the dating scene. They are sometimes unaware of or don’t wish to follow cultural norms which dictate what is considered feminine. As they get older, men often appreciate their logic and general lack of emotional outbursts, along with the fact that Rational women tend to clearly state what they think and want.

Cammy is a Rational Fieldmarshal (ENTJ). In high school, she had lots of friends but few dates. In college, she found it easier to find dates. Her friends told her she was bossy and intimidating. It frustrated her that what worked well in her career wasn’t good in romance. Then she met a man who actively pursued her. At first she wasn’t interested because she thought he was a light weight. As she got to know him, she valued his ability to understand her thinking and bring out her sentimental side.

Fell in love with Melbourne and the shopping :)

2008-09-07T17:07:00.001-07:00

and Nutella and Korean Food and Chocolate Cafes and Hong Kong Dimsum...

I had pretty much gotten over the fact that the Aussie dollar is way more valuable than the Singaporean dollar and have started on this tour of extravagance that has partly been the fault of the fact that my company pays for my living expenses... and so I don't feel this inhibition of the common dollar and I blow my way through purchases using what I assumed subconsciously to be 'monopoly money'. Ironically I still haven't seen the bill for my trip to Melbourne and I can be sure it won't sit pretty with my expenses for the month... as with ALL my shopping dollars- which I have started to become comfortable with after some hard blows with the wallet. Essentially I think I am starting to clean out my wallet and have vowed never to shop in Singapore this year... My mom is probably not going to enjoy this new sight of the burgeoning collection of clothes... (she does the laundry) and my purse is bursting at the seams with receipts-, not money :(

I NEVER thought that I would shop so much in Australia... but apparently the appeal of the foreign fashion industry has always been too much for me to resist well enough... and honestly where else can you get such nice clothing for such affordable prices? As I put the reason down to Andrew and YX- I don't want to be caught wearing the same stuff as someone else I know... :P I find that particularly embarrassing and quite shocking... so far I have had 1 case of 'matching outfits' with what I own in my closet (and was very thankful that I didn't wear that outfit out that day)

Argh. I am such a clothes whore. Spendthrift too. I simply love Aussie Shopping... :) and honestly I can't wait to get back here again for my next business trip...

A little more contemplative despite the overload of chocolate

2008-09-05T02:21:00.003-07:00

The little oompa loompa starts to write...

Life is so unpredictable.
The minute you think you got the hang of it- is the very minute you could somehow stumble

Changes in choices about life are changes worth thinking about-
But somehow it doesn’t get much of a look at- until something causes life to douse

As young people we think we know and understand how everything works-
Until we realise through mistakes how silly it was to feel that way- in fact now that feeling irks

Then we try to change the way we lead our lives and make new choices
Without understanding that that means a lot of hard knocks to take and not all of the time its joyous

Young people like us try to contend everyday with the “what-ifs” and “could-bes” and “what-if-nots”
We think every new day gives a brand new chance to test things- we always can give something a shot

But what we don’t realise is that time and tide waits for no man
The time we waste in life testing- is the time we waste in life truly experiencing

It’s hard to decide what’s really determines morals
Morals seem to be personalized to each person and no one should imposes their moral laurels

It’s between you and yourself and if you’re a Christian- God
No one really knows how the future would otherwise turn out
Only God knows- but it doesn’t seem at all funny to our limited gouts

I just feel like everything stops turning for me some days in an instant
The day after the loaf of the day seemed to run so perfectly risen

I feel sometimes like I’m more than 2 steps behind,
And it doesn’t really comfort the work holism and efficiency in my mind

I need some time to contemplate anything and everything
But everything seems to be running ahead of me- it seems to have no king

I try as I may to stay ahead of things
Coming up short too many times though has made my life without links

But I know at the end of the day I would celebrate the joy of having found the things in life God would have me have
It’s just right now that I am left a little lost, having to discover myself a little more, and having to know what I need to have

Bewildered.

2008-08-21T19:10:00.005-07:00

Or more plainly- stoned. I guess that not having enough sleep, having just recovered from some bout of illness and a little too much food and fun just about had me tied to my seat a little bewildered. I sit there and wonder how my boss and colleagues can be partying for eons and at their age still feel completely (almost) fine after being smashed to some sorts... bottles were doing down like candies for children after some hard archery in which I think I have some game... and the food was so good I just had to have meat although my blood type suits the almost vegetarian diet...

Basically - my company had a small event. I organized the archery event and my manager organized the dinner and boss the drinks of course... i believe we went way over budget on that one including cab fares and all but I ain't complaining :p and yes- I had cranberry juice if that is of any informational importance...

I suppose I am starting to understand a consultant's life a little better now... you party so much because you're always away from home. Because you travel so much you hardly have time to build a lasting relationship and have one unless you haven't lost that one before you started. You come smashed to the office and are expected to pick up s*** from yesterday (quote unquote from my boss) and you pretty much never have much chance with the clients because it conflicts with company or business policies...

so that reduces your time to almost nothingness- really. And your few colleagues and friends come and go as they are like you- consultants hopping from one project to another just as the boss pleases and plans. You have friends all over the globe whom you hope to meet another time if and when you go back to that country where you last met them. You really hope to find good people in this sense for friends- because you hardly have any really good ones... apart from some kind clients...

oh well maybe I am being too cynical. But I look at some of my colleagues and tell myself- whilst the lure of traveling and high-flying seems so good- it isn't really. I am not about to reduce myself to a career-minded-nothing-else-matters woman for sure. My emptiness can be taken over by careful meditation on God's work and will for my life- however directionless it sometimes may seem... and upgrading of my skills! I haven't so much as touched my CFA AT ALL... It is a good thing I can have at least 2-3 solid hours of studying when I am overseas... if I don't go out with my colleagues... and sans the exercise...

Time and tide wait for no man- but if I refused to be subjected to the pressures of time... I guess I can be unafraid of most things...

Yes yes that is my optimistic side showing... I know I never want to give up- and my friends and family would be shocked if I ever do. That is not my style. I'd like to say that I serve agression with disgression :)

on a side note- being a mom in singapore is starting to become so attractive- even my male colleagues want to conceive. I am starting to see Singapore as a good place to bring up children (maybe in the american international schools though) *chuckle* nah... they'll hopefully be so brilliant they'll be wanting more from the educational system than it can provide :p

Today's the only 'rest' day

2008-08-12T00:53:00.002-07:00

It seems weird but somehow or other- the days have been going like lightning- and I have this slight fear of being left behind when I do get left behind- of aging and the like. I wonder if it is due to inexperience and ignorance that what I understand from some people about life being so meaningless and conceding defeat to the idea of simply wasting away- does not apply to me. I hope it never does- I want to enjoy every moment of my life here on this earth.

Friends- I have taken a more active role in meeting up with my friends and family and cousins- chatting them up with no strings or motives attached. I just got used to the idea that what the world deems simply as "wasting time" is actually very fun, intriguing, mentally challenging and enlightening. I learn so much from people around me everyday- I don't always have the best ideas- and even if I do - there is always room for improvement :)

No one really dares to believe me when I say I am being more astute with the value of being tight-pocketed. Of course the lure of that spending trip to the US or Australia is always going to appeal to me- maybe I haven't lost it- I just am not used to spending mula for fashion in sunny Singapore. I am used to my US stripped malls and huge stores that has exactly what I want and where I want it- and at the price I can almost know off the top of my head. I guess that retail management course was rather alright during my exchange- and you can say that it started the wave of a barrage of clothes that saw it's way through and tried to go through my wardrobes unscathed. Of course I couldn't bear to part with most of them- I am just such a hoarder in that way... but I think still- that I have become less interested in shopping- and I shop like a guy- I aim and shoot- I don't throw random rocks that blow my budget. For now.

Money is hard to come by of course- which is new revelation to a girl who has never had to worry too much about money... no I am not freaking rich, just middle-class and able to earn quick bucks with tutoring...

Speaking about money- work has been great :) I love my colleagues, I love my job, I love the opportunities and more given to me and I love the challenges everyday. My small division in Singapore has been fantastic and I harbour dreams of being a young senior executive one day and soon... I try at this with no more than a good determination that seizes itself when I try to overtime too often (the seizing caused by the air conditioner being turned off in the office). And so I never do more than 9 hours of work on a half hour lunch break. Which is comforting. Then again- might be shocking to some :p

I feel like I am building towards my good break soon enough and I can't wait. But first I have to keep things level headed and cool- thank the Giver and not just embrace the gifts. Give and Serve even when I feel like I have no discipline to. Press on towards the goal He has set out for me- and I know it's no mean feat- it means a feat that takes me over and past defeat :)

Women everywhere...

2008-05-14T18:11:00.002-07:00

After I started to take note of my mood swings- I realized some days I feel beautiful (whether like Snow White I don't know) and some days I feel grumpy, sleepy, dopey, doc (miss smarty pants), happy, sneezy and bashful (well ok not quite so)

Gosh that's so much like snow white and the 7 dwarfs all rolled into one... mashed up somewhat...

After I started to take note of my spending and earning habits (ok so I don't really have an earning habit yet) and discover to my horror the spending habits I never thought I would regret and realize the income I never had... sheesh... I save too little, spend too much, earn too little... where do the financial revelations start? Glad it's now and not later... got to get to it. And pick up the tempo.

I started taking note of my interests in sports and realized that I travel between sports at a rate of perhaps every 3 months... perhaps it's perpectual boredom, or perhaps it's just not being forced into a working mode of independence that requires me to be less adventurous in the sports I do... and just work out to keep trim.

I started taking note of my academics and career and realized that for once in my soon to be career- I have direction, a sense of purpose and know what I am gunning for next. Better late than never. And better to do it all with a capable man I know I can rely on as my side kick :)

I started taking note of the friends I have and had and realized that due to my transient nature of taking life as it is- I have friends all over the globe, without any real attachment anywhere... it's sad to think this in this one way but then again I always had really great and good friends at every stage of my life and thank God for all of them- really.

I started taking inventory of the cute guys- or so I think and they revolve around guys with athletic ability and alot of smarts... I don't appreciate white boys and chinese guys... oh well... :P

I started spending more time with my sister and brother, mom and dad, and I realized I am started to support and love them in the best way I can- with time, effort, a little more understanding than before and this is perhaps due to the fact that I am approaching the stage my parents are in right now and appreciate it all the more... and the mothering nature of me coming out at the right time... protective syndromes and fiercely protective you might add...

I am started to get a better idea of adulthood and it's began a little scary I must add, but once I started to digest it and read more about life... sometimes it makes me more skeptical about life- sometimes it makes me realize that life really needs one to embrace it very much and love doing what you do. Life is too short to be calculative and conniving... :)

Have you ever felt lonely?

2008-04-30T21:02:00.003-07:00

Have you ever felt lonely, when you seem to have gone ahead of your peers in life and no one around you seems to understand no more.

Have you ever felt lonely, when the drudgery of work drags your mood down and seems to take the cheerful spirit you used to have?

Have you ever felt lonely, when you finally had the time for yourself and you realize that you seem to have nothing and nothing seems to be going for you?

Have you ever felt lonely, when the world whizzes by and you felt stuck in your own rut?

Have you ever felt lonely, when the place God chooses to call you to has no one else to pioneer it but you?

Have you ever felt lonely when you're the only voice in this desert devoid of hope and faith?

Have you ever felt lonely when you felt you could have spent a lot more time with your family and friends but could not?

Have you ever felt lonely when you think about those times you played in the church band but now you play your instrument in your heart and sing alone?

Have you ever felt lonely when you stare into the night sky and breathed a breath of cool night air- looked around and found yourself alone?

Have you ever wondered why the television holds you in so much intrigue but constantly leaves you feeling empty and confused after switching it off?

Have you ever felt lonely? I have. I bet tons of people do too. They just don't talk about it. With people, they downplay it too much or never speak about it. When they're alone, they can't stand the silence and feel agitated. I've learnt that loneliness is a blessing- it's when you find out you're empty and nothing with or without things to do- stripped bare, you're just a person trying to find a purpose in life. Some of us have Jesus, some of us just crash into pieces.

My clothes are warring with my wardrobe for space...

2008-04-23T19:22:00.002-07:00

and google is taking over almost everything...

Gosh I just wanted to find those what-used-to-be-hip jeans from my cupboard for the church dance item and emerged rather disoriented from finding about some 20 pairs of jeans I had long forgotten about. No wonder my mom chids me for buying so much. No wonder I went to the stores yesterday before meeting Adelia and couldn't find anything to buy- somehow at the back of my head I know I have something of some sort of tons of stuff somewhere... out there- until I finally found it.

I felt utterly disgusted and ashamed of myself- I wished those jeans would suddenly turn into pants that I can use for work! Now I have got to spend money which had I been the wiser might have been comfortably split between good jeans and more presentable pants for work. Urgh.

Girls- oh well. But the good thing is between the shoes Aunty Linda gave me and more pairs I bought on my own in the US, I should have about 5 years worth of change-abouts for work and such- I hope! I want to invest in fixed assets, not liabilities like clothes and cars... suddenly the girl is growing up, suddenly the girl understands the merits of saving more, suddenly the girl is looking ahead.

Oh well- never too late to start all over. Except you can be sure shopping's way off limits for me now. My clothes seem to be badgering me for more cupboard space.

Graduating... Have not graduated.

2008-04-17T02:16:00.002-07:00

It's been an interesting last few weeks of school... you inevitably have to take some steps back and reminisce about 4 years of schooling- one which you had every undoubted intention of finishing, yet did not know at so many points along the way if you would have made it through...

I hung out with newly found old friends a.k.a faces I see ever so often in school but never took the extra step to get to know them better- it was nice to finally be amongst groups of friends who have had their bonds tighter than I had around my friends as they did spend alot of time together as undergraduates- and I had chosen to spend a year and a half outside of Singapore to challenge myself on my own accord.

You get some you lose some- I didn't find a consistent group of friends I could count on for that after school snack or two, but I learnt how to make fast friends and have tons of them who wouldn't mind my company :)

final test is due on 5th May 2008. I look forward to that day- wait, I would look forward to that day after I am done studying for it. I have to admit, keeping up with the philosophy class has been disturbingly tough- given the lack of motivation to do my best for this final semester. You have this what-the-heck attitude, but I constantly remind myself that if I don't buck up at it all- I am going to regret it for the rest of my life- literally. So I do put in some hard work. So I think.

There comes a sinister obsession every semester during the exams. The allure of chinese wuxia episodes and books as well as comedies is very real. More recently, I have been overwhelmed by a young point guard from the New Orleans Hornets- Chris Paul. I like his fresh and down-to-earth attitude, I like that he's leading a team at age 22 being much younger than the rest of the starters, I like that he's humble and has a very good heart, I like that he makes his team mates better. On a side not, he also happens to remind me of my boyfriend :)

But yeah I have been following the NBA rather insanely after not having much to do with the job search done and over with- that said- I did spend a lot of time trying to objectify my cognitive dissonance with my job choice. I finally came to the conclusion that I am where God wants me to be at. It's a fantastic place to be in and I am all ready and looking forward to my first day of work!

Am going to be meeting up with my Anntic com friends, my JC friends, some of my NUS-alum friends and current NUS friends... it's so beautiful to cap it off like that- just plain vanilla nice. Nothing too outlandish, nothing too plain. Just good old hanging out and having fun- discussing the future... and having to hear from everyone else. I hope we meet up soon again some time- but in any case there's facebook. Yeah we say this now but in due time everyone's going to be busy getting married and having kids and having a career... Wow- how time flies.

Dugged. Tugged.

2008-04-01T06:55:00.002-07:00

I dug into the inner parts of my specimen heart and found out why and how in the world I had been unreasonably angry, selfish as a result and constantly a little fire-shot waiting to be exploded...

I am way too tough on myself- because nothing's ever good enough for me. But why? I asked myself- and I came to the conclusion that if God loves and accepts me the way I am- I should too. Thank God Joseph talked me through the whole thing and put up some kind of resistance to get me thinking... Gosh if I could walk all over him I would have and never would have learnt! :) You're the best...

Dugged deep- now I tugged my socks up and made headway in my papers and tomorrow's presentation... Finally- after watching 30 reruns of The fresh prince of bel air- I reckoned that enough was enough- ok ok I'll be honest- I stopped because they ran out of episodes on u tube :p

But thank God anyways :)

Miss Angsty Pants

2008-03-26T02:26:00.002-07:00

Argh I think I've tried to no avail for now-how to relax. Gosh and sheesh I don't even try to relax in trying to relax... Man oh man.. is it just part of me- and something that I can never seek to change... or is it a concept and thing I need to eventually learn at some point in time to avoid going insane by stressing myself too much every now and then... I think that no one's going to be giving me an easier time- so I've got to create an easier time for myself... Joseph says that I rationalize EVERYTHING under the sun and I make everything too much of what it should be... and stress out of course. But sometimes a girl's just got to share what's on her mind so that she really doesn't become insane...

Is every girl in the world like this? I hope so... I don't want to be this abnormal behavioural phenomenon who doesn't know that she is...

I think feelings take control of me sometimes...

2008-03-24T07:25:00.002-07:00

But nevertheless it is interesting to see how the free run of emotions brings me. It ain't such a good time now that time is of the essence and many papers and presentations do shout for my utmost attention. Gosh I was trying to transfer the information from my previous A5 sized calendar to fit that which is of A4 size... and realized what a tight squeeze of time I have for my papers... and I still haven't gotten over the fact that after a month and a half of school- I'm done. I really done with everything.

Never mind the poor grades recently and the little bumps here and there every now and then... Never mind some poor friendships formed (if you can call them friendships, I would)... Never mind those moments when poor me overworked myself just to fit into what people call a "successful student"... never mind the overly ambitious thoughts of trying to work and study at the same time... which I did not once but twice. I am glad to say I'm finally going to be making it- that is- when I pass all the subjects this last and final semester...

Wow.

I hope that I can say I leave this place full of memories- but honestly those are hardly coming off my radar right now... what I treasure are those little moments when I interacted with random friends, met new friends everywhere I went, learnt a little more each time I meet someone new, and evangelized or try to create a better impression of Christians (we're not boring and no we're not dull)

I hope those are life skills I never forget and always remember to heart. Be fresh and open in mind, strong in spirit, wise in outlook and quick to listen and learn.

Ah well- all these coming out from me after an emotionally trying time trying to figure out what to do in life- after doing countless personality tests and trying to figure out who I am... what I should do... and when... It was heartbreaking to a certain extent when all that I thought I wanted to do wasn't it- and frightening to learn that what now stands ahead of me seems like a mighty task I don't know I can handle... some people say the key to success is to be ignorant and confident- I think I used to be "successful" in that sense... but ever since I learnt more of the world and about myself these days, the volatility of character and my knowing of what I don't know and knowing that there is more I don't know that I don't know frightens me...

It's hard to go out there to try and conquer the world with that childlike faith and hope... It's so easy to get beaten down and become down and out with your spirits when everyone's the same that way... but I must not be moved... and I know all the more, I need the fresh renewal from the spirit everyday- and Lord, guide me through it all, in every way...

Feel so deranged now... argh

2008-03-20T00:39:00.003-07:00

I have just ended the 'other' interview.. the one which my other company would probably like to have me not be chosen. I had wanted to let God take over- but I inevitably- through my own selfish and conceited human nature want things my way. I hope they don't, really. After all that I have gone through in decision making keeping in mind that I know there is no means of success except what God allows me, I think it'll be unwise to do otherwise.

And ironically every time I humble myself to understand this in the midst of my nitpicking of my current situations... he shows me the way. And sends unexpected people along my way to remind me of what I had come to terms with with God right at the beginning when I first committed my life into His hands...

And now I feel deranged, PMS-ed probably, and having the wonderful people in my life suffer for it. My best friend says I am abandoning him, my boyfriend says that I am being unreasonable and a little insane...

I don't feel good, I feel like puking every now and then- brian jokes that I might have the "immaculate conception" (that's so like him) but I think that I am probably thinking way and far too much about things to get my body to rest properly... Joseph just thinks I worry too much and shouldn't- which is true.

Wow- I haven't posted anything for eons now...

2008-03-16T19:06:00.004-07:00

I guess everyone's been starting to smell the staleness of the blog since I haven't been diligently blogging nor had the time and inspiration to write anything other than my business case a couple of months ago, papers for my modules, doing up presentations for the Marshall USC international case competition and finally trying to catch up with work with the barrage of events that came or are coming along- Joseph's coming to town, job search with tons of interviews and midterms... I am still trying to catch up with work by the way- and it hasn't been easy not due to the difficulty of the assignments but the lack of motivation to do anything at all. I am tired.

So here I am trying to keep awake during a simple lecture- seemingly. I think it's harder for me to keep awake these days- perhaps due to having a variety of things to do... which I otherwise would not in a crazy schedule. But I guess I have always been a little insane in scheduling my time- I sit for a couple of hours not doing anything and scream bored.

Work's probably going to start 2nd June with a Danish Consultancy firm though I have yet to accept the offer offered to me as I have one last interview with a bank this wednesday before I make any final decision. It has been an interesting time of interviews where I went and dressed up for interviews in which I knew I had 30% of interest level just so to gauge my competencies in interviews- which was a good move as I performed much better at the actual ones. It also helps that I prayed to God to shut out all other opportunities except the one he wants for me. But as usual, 2 of the most differing job scopes lasted as my final 2 and should I get this wednesday's job- it might perhaps be the largest scale decision made this year...

But everything is fine amidst knowledge that Joseph would be coming to Singapore to live and work in Singapore as soon as he can- I really cannot wait for him to come! :) He highlights my weeks and days and more so ever since he came to Singapore and dispelled all fears of the unknown and mysterious american boyfriend... :)

Trying to choose between ministries and cell groups and what not within CCR again- I suppose re-integrating back to to church has been both a little interesting, refreshing and yet trying for me. Trying as I don't know what to do, where to go, whom I can identify with again and etc. But I guess being able to fit in is my forte- the question is though, is the act of fitting-in ideal or joining a group which suits me better? Is joining a ministry I can comfortably sit in or joining one more trying the better choice? Is it better to fit in and not be able to see the whole picture or fit in and give excuses why or why not something can or cannot be done?

I suppose in everything- like I have mentioned to so many of my christian friends- it's a matter of God's choice for you and should one follow it despite the supposed arduous journey- you would come out the better of it. I should know- being an extremely average student with huge aspirations within an unfamiliar environment of business and smart minds... I still don't know where to do and what to do- but Joseph tells me that everything would be worked out by God- I shouldn't worry. :)

and hence my tiredness attempts to drift away from writing these but I doubt anything works like a coffee charm on my tired body and mind. Sometimes I can't help but feel like my body has been worked to the max although not doing anything... I don't know why anymore... but I have gotten slightly more orderly and perhaps older in my habits and thinking- sleeping early, getting up early and being disciplined with what I do. The minute I drive myself to the edge of the road with late nights and what my undisciplined and rebellious nature likes- I exhaust myself. *yeeks*

I really need sleep- and a lot of coffee...

Leanings of a Scott.

2007-12-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

Just thought I would quickly share what I learnt from the learned man before I actually go into despair of knowing that I would be leaving the valley and someone whom I love very much, and friends whom I have met and grown accustomed to- my mentors, friends, colleagues etc.

Key decisions you make in life would be people decisions.
Be aggressive timely, know when to fight for it or not.
Anger no one.
Business = selling
Life is about selling.
Let others be sold to you
Be a source of inspiration for the future generations (esp. your offspring- let them have someone to look up to and emulate- although, don't expect)
Being open-sourced takes courage. (take this personally)
1. But it helps others help you. (0 barrier to entry to developments)
2. Enormous assimilation
3. Reduced R&D costs
4. You don't have to worry about security (breeches)
5. Eliminates barriers to exit for user
If you don't enjoy doing something- why do it.
Aim to translate complicated ideas into layman's terms.
You don't create leaders- you identify them.
Be a person of Integrity, Intelligence, Smarts, Fairness and Physically capable.

Trust Your Gut.

Our deepest fear...

2007-12-06T14:22:00.001-08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Nelson Mandela, 1994 Inaugural

someone to be, someone to love, work to accomplish

2007-12-06T00:43:00.000-08:00

Chi Hua said these very touching closing words during our last class of E145- it has been an excellent class- we had tons of experts in their fields coming in to talk to us about entreprenuership and the various aspects with it.

Some words from Chi Hua and Alex before I retire to bed- I'll write more about the time we spent with Scott McNealy on monday at the SUN campus in Menlo Park.

Chi Hua-
Your integrity is extremely important in your life- guard it with your life
Be someone to be, have someone to love, and find work to do in this life
Find mentors whom you would try all means to make successful and who would want you to be successful
Don't go into something because it has the most monetary value- go into it because you are going to have the best platform to learn and grow

Alex-
Be People-Focused- in everything you do- it's about people you meet, you interact with, you plan your time around to nurture relationships- without people, everything really becomes redundant
Keep your options open in every situation
Be flexible or go insane
Confront uncertainty in the face
Go with your Gut feel
Go out with confidence and persistence :)

You only need to be humble before God, really.

2007-11-30T15:03:00.001-08:00

Taken from My Utmost for His Highest

The way we continually talk about our own inabilities is an insult to our Creator. To complain over our incompetence is to accuse God falsely of having overlooked us. Get into the habit of examining from God’s perspective those things that sound so humble to men. You will be amazed at how unbelievably inappropriate and disrespectful they are to Him. We say things such as, "Oh, I shouldn’t claim to be sanctified; I’m not a saint." But to say that before God means, "No, Lord, it is impossible for You to save and sanctify me; there are opportunities I have not had and so many imperfections in my brain and body; no, Lord, it isn’t possible." That may sound wonderfully humble to others, but before God it is an attitude of defiance.

Conversely, the things that sound humble before God may sound exactly the opposite to people. To say, "Thank God, I know I am saved and sanctified," is in God’s eyes the purest expression of humility. It means you have so completely surrendered yourself to God that you know He is true. Never worry about whether what you say sounds humble before others or not. But always be humble before God, and allow Him to be your all in all.

There is only one relationship that really matters, and that is your personal relationship to your personal Redeemer and Lord. If you maintain that at all costs, letting everything else go, God will fulfill His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God’s purposes, and yours may be that life.

For a moment I thought I had lost my sense of time...

2007-11-29T14:59:00.000-08:00

Ever since I last blogged- it's been a very very hectic though highly anticipated time of the year... it still is- but the thanksgiving holiday lull has led myself to have a break and enjoy late nights hanging out with my juniors whom I won't be seeing for the next 6 months or so- or perhaps for a long time since I probably would be trying to graduate at the same time as everybody else- gain the experience, and try for a 2nd degree (post-grad school or sth). That's that for life time goals- what happens in the years ahead is really up to God and not me, but I guess I can still have some sort of a goal and idea and I doubt it would be too far from the truth as it unravels if I continue to keep an open mind...

Perhaps it's pay back time for me educationally since I haven't exactly been spending too much time on my academics (as I think I should have) back in Singapore and a single newspaper interview/writeup coming out in December is probably going to help me understand my inner thoughts and emotions, which I tend to emote whenever I feel confident, relaxed and unrestricted. I really prefer schooling outside of Singapore.

The people around me have been both fantastic and telling of my nature.

My mentors, now 2 of them in Silicon Valley including Joanne and Joseph have been the largest inspiration of my life. I can't believe I actually passed up a chance to study for one of my courses' midterm to chat with Joanne, but I wasn't surprised that I was floored throughout that conversation. The more I talk to them, the more I realize how much I have changed mentally. I am still the same old me, characteristically straight-forward, garrulous and animated- but with a clearer mind, probably better analytical and argumentative skills (don't know if it's a good sign) and I don't lose my temper all that often anymore... Maybe it's the passing through the crucible, and I have come to be numb to everything after being in such hot broth all the time, it becomes 2nd nature, and you upgrade and improve yourself, and you find yourself more equipped and ready for the future, though at a painful cost everyone nevertheless has to endure.

Friends- I have started to accept the fact of man's basic nature. A nice person can appear to be horrible to be with, and a person who is nice to be with can really be a horrible person inside. However, whatever it is, I have learnt to give people the benefit of the doubt, and only expect the best of everything and everyone. I realize time and again that it does nothing for you to beat yourself down for not giving others the benefit of the doubt nor for giving them so, it only causes you misery. Expect the best out of people, hope not in men but in God, and love not through circumstances but through comprehension. I started throwing away all pre-conception started building time for comprehension, started looking at people's actions and not words- they speak volumes. I have learnt not to hate nor love someone for doing something, for who am I to have the right to love or hate? I just hold that friend's hand along the way, stand aside to let him/her have his/her space- I only illuminate their thoughts so that they know I understand, and having someone else to talk to who doesn't shoot blanks is comforting- I myself certainly should know that- I myself complain too much.

I like the limelight- I used to and still do. I used to use it as a platform for me to show everyone else up- through qualities that I now feel ashamed to even describe. But thank God for people around me who tell me I am amazing on my own and don't need anyone else's approval. If God says I am special and unique, I can't hate myself. I have no choice but to embrace myself. I once asked a random non-Christian friend if he loved himself- he gave me an yes without conviction, a yes without consideration, a yes without a conclusion. A friend who overheard our conversation then asked me after the slight pause everyone else around us had, if I love myself. After thinking for a moment to myself- I told her I like some things about myself, I also do not like some other things about myself, but I love myself. I suppose to me, love is not something you need to explain, it should be spontaneous. It shouldn't be based on anything others say or on how the circumstances unfold. More specifically, it shouldn't be based on how pretty and attractive or nerdy you can be- you understand your strengths and weaknesses, you continue working them out hard, and you do so because you love yourself- I have to and I am learning how to because God loves me.

People who are hard to deal with- everyone is. Whether you are a kind and very considerate young lady with the right airs and decorum or a person whom everyone thinks to be a jerk and has zilch Emotional Quotient- you have to wonder about the former's lack of frankness and honestly due to her decorum, and the latter's willingness to show himself up for what he really is. Which would be a better person? Only God knows and judges- we don't have to announce our liking for either or lack of. Who is easier to deal with? You tell me. I don't think either is easy for sure.

I have some observations which I had picked up along the way, and although they would not stand in almost any and every situation for everyone, I will share some with you now.
- The picky people embrace themselves a lot more than you think, the silent ones have a lot more to say, and a lot more to be shocked by (trust me).
- The nice and helpful people always either have an agenda or are really struggling inside with issues and so they do things to mask their feelings. (don't get me wrong, there are some people who really have had those bad times before and genuinely don't want others to go through those times like themselves, or they have had a close encounters with the ultimate struggles in life- and they have championed victory ever since) *Just know which category they fall into*
- More guys smoke, drink and do drugs compared to girls not because they are easily swayed- it's because they don't have an outlet- given the culture that it's mostly gay for guys to talk about their feelings anyway.
- You reap what you sow (More time hanging out and having a good time really only perpetuates your heightened sense of pleasure, more time concentrating on your goals you set out to achieve sure limits your opportunities to pleasure, but you're sure going to get things done a lot faster)
- The negative people really only put you down to make themselves feel better about themselves (they haven't learnt to embrace themselves, so don't retaliate, but understand their plight and help them out- they'll be grateful because few would bother to)
- When guys tell you you look good that day- they mean it and please take notes (just sth to ease the sombre blog post!)
- Guys are magnet suckers for girls who boost their egos (it could be looks, being helpless or submissive but it sure doesn't encompass tripping their egos- something I have worked to perfection unknowingly)
- If you're attached, you're not really 'attached' in both the hearts and minds of yourself and others until you keep mentioning your partner as a punctuation in every sentence of yours
- Men only work their moves on potentials- those they de-list are out of the picture, forgotten and taken to never exist until such a point in time that circumstances rule them available again
- Men age better- sorry girls
- Men are growth stocks, and women are like Cars that depreciate in value (but there will always be some men who have this thing for antiques :))
- To cap off this already long list- most women need more biological knowledge about their body types and shapes and see more unglamorous pictures of celebrities who need to look good as part of their job scope to feel a little better about themselves :)

Oh, and Being Different does not equate to Opposing Logic... it could be merely voicing out the logic which no one else dares or bothers to say.

Wow- just wow.

2007-10-19T12:34:00.001-07:00

I sent a desperate email to one of my tutors in class who has had so much experience in the Venture Capitalist and entrepreneurial area for help. I just don't know what I need to embark on, what I need to know, how and where- I was looking for answers- that a smart man like him would be able to give- and came away with more than I ever thought I would get.

We spoke at length about my program and background and I wanted to know what options I had- he clarified that in Silicon Valley- options are boundless, people work for 2-3 years on a job and move on... no one really settles down- it's like pure job liquidity- everything goes really fast. If I like that- experience counts- and you never can expect what to get.

If I should be thinking about going to other areas in say new york or singapore- certification counts- nothing else does.

That cleared up my thoughts quite a bit- I only have to apply wisdom in choosing- and he could tell that I could go along with that well- so he started on asking me if I was a person of faith- a christian.

I said yes and what a revelation I had as he poured out his christian struggles and told me how he came to where he was- not my chance nor his own capabilities, but everything is a gift from God- and he wants to work hard on those gifts for His glory. He didn't choose a job for money- he choose it because God asked him to- as I saw how his life unfolded- I had this hope that God will do it for me too. He has a really godly wife who prays with and for him- and they attend abundant life too.

I left not with my questions answered but left with direction.

Thank you Lord for reminding me everyday- what I need to do- put in the hard work and pray hard as to what you would have me do. It's 99% of getting your will to align with God's and really, 1% of listening out. I think I am going to have to pray that God blocks all paths but one or shine on one path as opposed to the rest- I am rather stubborn I know- so yeah - every route has its advantages but there is nothing quite as joyous and exciting than living out what God wants to have me to :)

Wonderful Savior (Song to share that I heard over the radio )

2007-10-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

Words & Music: John M. Harris, 1905

Jesus, my King, my wonderful Savior,
All of my life is given to Thee.
I am rejoicing in Thy salvation;
Thy precious blood now maketh me free.

Refrain

Wonderful Savior, wonderful Savior,
Thou art so near, so precious to me!
Wonderful Savior, wonderful Savior,
My heart is filled with praises to Thee!

Freedom from sin, O wonderful story–
All of its stains washed whiter than snow!
Jesus has come to live in His temple,
And with His love my heart is aglow.

Refrain

Jesus, my Lord, I’ll ever adore Thee,
Lay at Thy feet my treasures of love.
Lead me in ways to show forth Thy glory,
Ways that will end in heaven above.

Refrain

When in that bright and beautiful city
I shall behold Thy glories untold,
I shall be like Thee, wonderful Savior,
And I will sing while ages unfold.

Refrain

Glimmers of Hope

2007-10-11T14:38:00.001-07:00

I have little glimmers of hope every here and there and yet I see a huge impending obstacle in my way. JD told me that nothing is impossible with God but somehow I find that with human intelligence- it's hard to think of the unthinkable. Or maybe it's just my brains- not that developed as far as I know it to be... I want to come back here for an internship with certain companies- I have got some little contacts here and there- but now I need the waiver of the visa requiring me to stay put for 2 years in Singapore - unless internships does not count as work salaried jobs.

*praying and hoping for a breakthrough*

Meanwhile my birthday was a blast- had dinner with Joseph at a nice Japanese restaurant (it was supposed to be French but I winced when I looked at the French menu) and then Akshat bought me a huge chocolate cake and Ryan got me chocolate cookies for my birthday- had tons of well-wishes from people all over the globe and Andrew greeted me with a Little Miss Sunshine booklet with a beautiful card from Australia :p

I had a huge bouquet of flowers on my table when I got to work this afternoon and I was so surprised- the flowers are purple and absolutely beautiful :) Thanks JD :) He mentioned there's more to come- we'll see... :)

Paul wrote from the prison (after 2 years of being in that rut)

2007-10-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

And he was still praising God and encouraging others that going to prison only furthered the gospel to others, through their lives' testimonies and never ceasing encouragements and sharings. I need to become like that in the midst of the downs, and it is not just about acknowledging that it is a down- but seeing it through the eyes of God- that each set back is an opportunity granted to you for something better, and different. Like God did to Gideon's army before He granted them victory- he subtracted from them before He multiplied hundreds and thousands of folds... I need to keep trusting in Him for my career, my family's careers, my loved ones' careers and our lives...

Degeneration comes with trying to do things on my own.

2007-10-05T09:32:00.001-07:00

I still stand by the idea that whenever I am pissed with anything, I should take a step back and have time to myself. It's not that I don't want to involved people with these problems. Suddenly I find myself being a little more like someone who likes to keep things to himself and then only talk about it (if he ever does) much later on in life. I never thought I would be like that. But it seems I'm starting to.

I need to talk to God before talking to men about my problems. I can only do so when I am alone with Him. Maybe I shouldn't say I need time alone- I should say I need time for myself and God- for Him to help me reconcile things.

I have been very hurtful in my doings and sayings without my knowing it at all. I never have those hurtful and evil intentions- but when you well it all up in your heart and don't let it out- the sinful evil nature shows itself.

Complaining bad little girl... :(

2007-10-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

Not only have I been complaining about what has already been considered as going on pretty well thus far, I have been gripping about not getting this and that, and not having more done, or accomplished, complaining about the lack of time and youth I have on my hands, and being pissed about how my progress in everything has been coming along...

Little did I stop to realize about many blessings- sure I didn't exactly have the best deal you can call it- in the world but I've had my moments. Many people never get to see what I have seen, experienced what I have experienced and meet the people I meet today and tomorrow. I just keep griping when trying to compared myself with my fellow friends- who all have done extremely great jobs in being accomplished in their fields (no don't get me wrong, I am not jealous of you guys but I am proud of you all!) I just feel bad for myself that I haven't accomplished as much. And I feel bad for not taking the opportunities when I have them. For choosing wrongly at times. For failures. For life's unfairness and uncertainties.

Maybe it's that time of the month.

Maybe it's the fact that I have always been the conscientious student typing notes into my lap top and I think the speed at which I do so makes people think that I am probably trying to document mindless chatter rather than brain-worked notes. So my professor has this fantastic idea of shaming those whom he deems as not-listening-to his lesson right in front of the whole class- and it is all broad-casted. So I got it- if you cannot already tell from my sarcasm. AND I am not ashamed to say that I am superbly pissed-off.

Of course after this outburst, I shall then admit that being so pissed at such a seemingly small thing shows alot about me. What is it that I am angry about? My pride? My reputation? I resisted the urge to turn on the microphone and correct my tutor in public (Broad-cast) I decided to go to him after class and talk to him, explain myself and then he apologized- telling me that some other chinese students (presumably smart) have been reading the news during his class and it was shown on broadcast, which reflected badly on himself. Well I hope he knows that is how I felt. And no I did not pursue the race thing- like all chinese are smart *luffs* I know I need a lot of work on top of listening to the class- but I am no dummy. So I did tell him straight from my heart- I enjoyed his lesson, and I really look forward to learning more from him. He was taken aback. But I guess and suppose, this is the start of building a good r/s. Like the chinese say- bu da bu xiang shi. I shall see that I will keep up good relations with him- now that he has reason to remember me.

But the tension built up somehow alongside the running around the office today as well as the impending monthly protocol, and poor JD always has the worse of it. It's been 3 times running now and he's such a poor thing... oh well... this time it was something about the education system in Singapore and I misunderstood (or maybe I didn't but I wasn't gracious enough to explain nicely) that he dissed my concerns about my education and career. And how it's different in Singapore.

I realized something about myself though- when I am pissed off, I ought to go somewhere to cool it off, and think things through. Sometimes people want to just solve the problems there and there and I must say I am efficient at it when it's something mental or physical. But when it comes to the emotions- I am stuck. And I need time to unravel my emotions. See why I am feeling the way I do or did, and run through things in my mind. People need to understand that, and I don't blame others for not comprehending, I just blame loved ones for not understanding- why? Because i think being so close to me, they should know how I function. But I place too much expectations on them. I need to rid the frustration and love them dearly, love them at all times. Because Love is patient, love is kind. God is love.

I'm a bad girl... :(

2007-10-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

Was supposed to be studying on monday night after complaining about the work load of my courses and ended up going shopping with some of my noc people for reasons hard to explain but I wanted to and I promised to go sometime... why not now when the workload's not too bad?

Tuesday came and work was crazy as usual, I got wind that the business case would be moving in high swing this whole month- so don't expect me to be around online too much :( I haven't been these days either...

Wednesday's today and class was good! Seth Sternberg, the CEO of Meebo who's one of NUSEA's mentors as well as good friend of one of our professor, whom I shall want to get to know pretty much and soon enough since he's a VC and knows tons of people there, and my team managed to get Seth as a mentor for our course on entrepreneurship. Sweet.

And our team has this knack of being in the headlines, for best financials and had to present on monday, and having the honour of having seth as our mentor (Sweet for now, but it's tough to work uphill from there :/)

friday, saturday and sunday...

2007-10-01T00:26:00.000-07:00

things went great at work on friday- in the sense that finally i felt productive during that time of work and did alot of filings for the finance department and gotten some school work done too :) I had dinner with JD and headed back home to do some work...

Wasn't very long until I feel asleep after doing my laundry and talking to my family for more than an hour (and after not talking to them for the longest time)

my readings lay there untouched. :(

saturday came and I had breakfast with ryan and hoeylit before stanford project group meeting. I had two in a row and it went faster than I expected and so we headed to the event as soon as we could after grabbing some lunch and i got to manage the volunteers, help out at the store, sing in between my chores (feel like cinderella now) and smile in the midst of the confusions amongst the event helpers ...

But the ASEAN alliance people were really grateful for the help we provided as well as the helpers from nusea were great themselves, sacrifing and helping to sell as much as they could all for a charitable cause- all proceeds go to an orphanage in Burma (myanmar)

I didn't know how I managed to sing my heart and lungs out but i managed to alongside two professional singers who had cut their own albums already... i croaked out a couple of songs and screwed them up although i think no one else heard it as so... and then hit the 4 songs in total superb at the end when no one else but my few friends were there.. it was ok for me, it was just in fun, zest, and i didn't need those people i knew here to know that i was singing...

I hope to be invited to another event to sing like this though :)

and i went home, tired out, yet struggled through more work before falling asleep... wow. however did i manage?

I just came back from Aunty Do Hui and Uncle Wing Kong's place from tennis with the boys and dinner with the family and steph (whom aunty do hui wanted me to meet, and whom i discovered was my jc school mate!) we had a fun time catching up and seeing how our paths changed along the way :) I was really happy to find that God allowed my circle of friends to keep overlapping one another.. and everyone knows someone else I know... (it's amazing how small singapore is)

i would be bringing her to meet my other christian friends here in the valley as well as bring her around- shopping and stuff :)

have you ever felt instant peace?

2007-09-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

That was exactly what I felt when I attended the Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship Welcome tea... I met the people who were at the booth yesterday on my way to class- and they invited me to their cell group. I brought along Jennifer (Nelson's and Clara's church friend), Hoey Lit and Alvin... Met some other singaporeans there who knew Colin and I think being around such like-minded people once again brought back memories of VCF and yes I will continue to commit to this until I am done with NOC- and yes Hoey Lit and I want to attend the Bible Study class together, and yes I felt so much at peace choosing God over trying to do my readings. God will make a way for me- if I choose like Mary did, and not Martha.

Even JD heard the instant change in me over the phone and was glad that I went :) He said I seemed so much at peace (like instantly) and of course given the amount of crap he has had to put up with all my stressed up, pent up emotions, I guess any less stressed up feelings would seem peace to him *grinz* But yeah I feel so much better :)

Cold days ahead- crazier days ahead...

2007-09-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

This week hasn't been up and down (are you kidding me?) It's been so busy (all the highs in the wrong places) such that I want to find time to talk to my family because i haven't been the past weekend (called them but they were at my grandma's place celebrating her birthday) and then I wanted to just feel that love from them like I always had- I need every ounce of support that I can find right now...

and I want to find time to schedule all my classes, assignments due, projects due, exams, both midterms and final terms, find my groupings for both classes (if you haven't already realised I am taking 2 stanford modules on top of the work load I have)... organize my business case, meet up with the group members to deliver the goods every week without fail and with some weeks having a total of 4 presentations...

and try to plan the organization of events and go for others, sing at this saturday's picnic event for the ASEAN Alliance and I am almost really just ranting for the sake of trying not to go berserk...

That done- and I believe God never denies us the liberty to feel such frailty- in fact once we're done and over with the "I can't do it God, really, I used to do much, but this is just too much" then God starts to reveal himself to me.

I turned on the radio in the car as I turned out of the stanford parking lot and the word comes to me " God has to subtract from you before he multiplies you"

and I thought about all the stress I have been having- perhaps I should, like the preacher said- just take it in my stride. Even if it seems as if I am fighting a losing war with little or no resources to tap on- even if the doors are closing or are being closed, even if the energy seems zapped from you like there's no tomorrow... even when you feel the lowest, most emotionally zapped and mentally scrapped person- God can then better use you- because you would never ever be able to say it was your effort- it has been God's all along... you just held His hands and watched.

I just paused to think about my week and how things have fallen into place throughout the 4 study days... I had a great rehearsal with the Band in Daly city last Sunday and went out with Aunty Linda to shop for her last minute items before heading back to Singapore and having her series of holidaying before that. Monday came and I went to class straight from home after getting the approval of my CEO to work from home on mondays and wednesdays and head to work after tuesdays' and thursdays' lessons... I should have thanked God for that- but I forgot.

Monday came and I didn't have to find people to group with me, hoey lit came to me and wanted to me my partner- which was great since both of us complemented each other very well. Although there was this constant pressure from her admirer to back off so that he can do the group work with her instead of me in the form of emails and calls, I guess I finally learnt after much anxiety over whether I would appear mean not to accede to his demands that I really couldn't care less. It was up to her. I had no benefits changing that. I had a great time with Bing over dinner thereafter and she's a malaysian lady who's older than me but very youthful at heart. we played tennis once and hit it off :) I like her and her very personal and exciting sharings... hope to do with her more so soon :)

Tuesday came and I had to rush to class for operations management class and found to my horror the workload on top of what I already had for the other class. (I had been hoping not to have so much to do this term- then again who am I kidding?) to no avail. Maybe I should have prayed harder...

I still had no groups, no textbooks, a ton of readings to do, assignments are due next monday and tuesday and I had no clue whatsoever. I was tired, grumpy, irritable and easily stressed. (not that I wasn't already)

I went to curves to work out and found to my pleasure that the lady Rebecca, who owns the curve is also a part time minister in her own church and she has had the best experience of her life being married 2 years ago, having her first nephew, handling two curves businesses with her husband, helping the church out with the finance and accounting, and ministering to young people alongside her husband.. and she isn't much older than me- prob 30 or so and she was so inspiring... despite helping me to kick some ass (wait- she kicked mine into working out hard man) during the workout... I need to- I seriously put on alot of weight in the past 2 months or so...

Prior to this Rebecca, I went to another curves and spoke to another Rebecca who was also a happy church goer and helps out with the children ministry alot...

Wednesday class came, and I met this young and inspiring lady who seriously has been there and done that all due to chance. I wonder if God would create those chances for me- but that encounter kinda made me a little envious... you know- what if i wasn't meant to be so?

Found my group by just asking around (like Joseph said) and I found a good mix of capabilities- engineering, computer science, life science and finance- why ever not? :)

I tried to renew my library card after class to get the book for my readings for an assignment due next week but to no avail. Book was hard to find and by the time I got to it- the librarian said I couldn't because my library card expired that day and I had to renew it. I asked where and they said it closed already.

Today's thursday and I went to the library to renew it- but oh no I can't without the permission of the admissions lady and so I have been sending emails to try and get that done. By the time she is done with it- I think I would have gotten my books from online already... what to do till then???

Then I tried to rush to the bookstore to see if they sold it but it was way too expensive and I didn't think it would be worth that much- so I guess you would see me in the library doing some work then :(

Then I came out and found the booth to the International Varsity Christian Fellowship
and asked about their activities... I kinda stopped going for the Chi Alpha in the past weeks of holidays and am looking to join IVCF with Hoey Lit (my junior and group mate, friend of another VCF friend also)

I went to class- found that everyone had formed their own groups and felt so lost. Then I just asked someone to join me, and another guy who answered all the questions the teacher had in class (bet you he's smart) and yes I finally got back to work after that... a little more relieved.

Thanks for being there for me JD, thanks for putting up with the crap and the whinning and the outbursts and the mind-wrecking ways I blow people's brains out :)

Thank you God!

Got to sing in my bathroom all over again :)

2007-09-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

It has been a rather irritatingly tiring and frustrating week for me due to some things that cropped up... but little bits of blessing here and there and meeting the people I believe God has placed in my life to meet has been really nice and sweet at the same time... Been meeting alot of nice christian ladies at the gym that I go to as well as just acquaintances due to the events and the performances I put up twice before. I came back from the tune-up at Daly City for my performance on the 29th September, which is really far away for the band leader whom I never met and who wanted to test me out before allowing me to practice with the band... I was a little shakened initially because Maurice, his brother-in-law, told me that this guy is a little particular and is very very picky about timing and all that.. I had dinner with Maurice and his wife Mary who is Singaporean and thought to myself- what in the world did I get myself into... before heading to his brother-in-law's house for the band practice...

Turns out- he likes me la :) Good thing I have a knack for the tunes and the beats or else I would have been scolded to bits. He's semi-professional... *phew* now for memorizing 5 songs...

School's starting next week! :) Yay because finally I have something to go for and do.. I hated the days when I felt so unproductive... haha I say it now but maybe I might complain about it soon enough :p

And I didn't know it was moon cake festival until my mom called to remind me about it... reminising about the times I ate nice home-made moon cakes by my uncle with my family, I bought a box to share with my house mates... haiz... but it ain't as nice la :(

Full weekend ahead! :) can't wait...

I feel like I am always living in my own affections...

2007-09-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Our Lord’s exhortation to us in Matthew 5:38-48 is to be generous in our behavior toward everyone. Beware of living according to your natural affections in your spiritual life. Everyone has natural affections— some people we like and others we don’t like. Yet we must never let those likes and dislikes rule our Christian life. "If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another" ( 1 John 1:7 ), even those toward whom we have no affection.

The example our Lord gave us here is not that of a good person, or even of a good Christian, but of God Himself. ". . . be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." In other words, simply show to the other person what God has shown to you. And God will give you plenty of real life opportunities to prove whether or not you are "perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." Being a disciple means deliberately identifying yourself with God’s interests in other people. Jesus says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another" ( John 13:34-35 ).

The true expression of Christian character is not in good-doing, but in God-likeness. If the Spirit of God has transformed you within, you will exhibit divine characteristics in your life, not just good human characteristics. God’s life in us expresses itself as God’s life, not as human life trying to be godly. The secret of a Christian’s life is that the supernatural becomes natural in him as a result of the grace of God, and the experience of this becomes evident in the practical, everyday details of life, not in times of intimate fellowship with God. And when we come in contact with things that create confusion and a flurry of activity, we find to our own amazement that we have the power to stay wonderfully poised even in the center of it all.

Taken from My Utmost for His Highest

We see like children, and when we try to be wise we see nothing (see Matthew 11:25 ).

2007-09-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Taken from My Utmost for His Highest

Simplicity is the secret to seeing things clearly. A saint does not think clearly until a long time passes, but a saint ought to see clearly without any difficulty. You cannot think through spiritual confusion to make things clear; to make things clear, you must obey. In intellectual matters you can think things out, but in spiritual matters you will only think yourself into further wandering thoughts and more confusion. If there is something in your life upon which God has put His pressure, then obey Him in that matter. Bring all your "arguments and . . . every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ" regarding the matter, and everything will become as clear as daylight to you ( 2 Corinthians 10:5 ). Your reasoning capacity will come later, but reasoning is not how we see.

I guess the idea of simplicity and spirituality keeps itself confirmed over and over with my readings and my experiences these couple of days :)

I need to learn how to love...

2007-09-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

(4)Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud (5) or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. (6)It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. (7)Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (8)Love will last forever..(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Finding some breathing space...

2007-09-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

I guess it's that time of the month again when I have to be a trifle isolated and try to be as contemplative as possible- or maybe not even trying but just being quiet, stop thinking about everything else in the world and try to keep an open and clear mind- which is ironic that it should be hard when all I try to do is finish the tasks at hand to have a break- I never thought that the break is within my reach- as long as I reach out and grab it and let the tasks wait whilst I accomplish the things more important than others...

Being a rather garrulous person, I don't give myself much time to think nor keep quiet and keep to myself some just to think about things... which is a bad thing since I realised that thinking about things makes you take a step back, realise all that you're doing in its full entirely and then contemplate your next move with a third person's perspective. You become clearer of what you need and want and know and don't know... you contemplate advice from people without rushing to pick out everything they offer to you... You realise who means the most to you and whom you love and need to show that you love... You realise no one else thinks for you anymore than you should- and you realise you're finally an adult, no longer a young teenager still expecting parents to continue to be catch nets, and you're starting to grow into a young woman, someone who needs to learn to be independent, learn to take care of herself...

Some people call it the quarter of a lifetime crisis- perhaps. I am thinking that I am already 22 and yet I haven't graduated, I don't know what is going on in my life, I would like to know what is coming next, and I don't know what I want really, when I have always thought I was certain about many things... when people start to challenge and speak out, does it change your mindset and attitude? If it does, you better take a step back to think through it again... think through and contemplate until you have a definite answer... and many of which I wouldn't know until I ask God for His help- and God please help me through everything...

In the midst of such tender and raw vulnerability, everyone starts to seek some form of comfort. Some turn to astrology, some try to become numb and be apathetic, some worry too much (and they undoubtedly would since they don't know what in the world is going on) and others turn to religion...

But what is the religion that tells you to be good and righteous, upright and charitable to achieve your life long goals and be happy? Every religion says so. I choose to believe everyone is unique, and I selfishly think that I am special and unique- and why in the world should I have the same aspirations and life long ambitions like everyone else? It's altogether too horrid a thought- I reckoned that I would be more special, and I would have a unique mission to carry out, one that the next person cannot claim to have, and can never have to live out...

And though I don't know about tomorrow, I just live from day to day. I don't need to worry about the future, for the skies may turn to grey. I just know what Jesus says- that everyday He would walk beside me, and He knows what is ahead...

There are many things about tomorrow, that I don't seem to understand. But I know who holds the future (whatever it might be) and I know who holds my hand.

I realised I tried to think through and organize my thoughts without Jesus- what folly. I should have come to Him first and lay down every pride to seek His face. And right now- I still don't know about tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand, and I feel alot better- I don't need to know the mission, I just live day to day to receive my daily bread, when it comes it comes, and when it does, I had better be ready...

Reflections

2007-09-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

We made so many sacrifices to come here to the Valley- am I making the most of it all?

God made us special and unique, beautiful and absolutely wonderful in His eyes- am I acknowledging that and treasuring myself?

God gave us wisdom to make good decisions about life and the sort of hopes and dreams that we would wish to pursue- am I being a good steward?

God knows the next things of our lives- am I looking towards Him for all guidance and hope?

God holds the key to life's opportunities- am I asking for the spare keys to open them?

Nobody knows what would happen tomorrow- tomorrow would worry for itself. We cannot depend our hopes on humans for they might fail us, but God never fails...

Wild side- San Diego!!!

2007-09-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

Went to San Diego over the weekend and had tons of fun hanging out at the beach, experiencing the fine southern Californian weather, speaking the southern drawl a little, and trying not to be as bimbotic as I looked in my huge sunglasses and beach wear *sticks tongue out*

It was a drive to remember with 10 hours going each way but it was a good break from the very workaholic sort of culture back in the Bay Area. You wind up being tired physically, yet a lot more awake in your mind with the refreshing experience, a change of mindset, and some time to relax for a bit (a day to be exact)

San Diego has always been the hangout for young people since the marines, navy and airforce training grounds are there, there are a ton of colleges around the area, and when you get young fit people who hang out surfing at the beach all morning and sun bathe all afternoon, you get to a state of worry-free, and your troubles seem to be taken away just from the experience of being with such free-minded people...

I loved the place- but being me, I wouldn't want to settle in there permanently. Perhaps I have always been the non-smoking, drinking, clubbing sort and never taken any remote interest in those sort of vices... so I wouldn't fancy such an environment. Northern California just works for me, not too horrid a weather, and acceptable in work attitudes... :)

It's back to the grind for me- but I wonder if I need to step on the pedal and I need to.

Would be dog-sitting for my VP of Sales for a week until monday and until then, I have a nice huge house to live in with 2 dogs and a cat- something I would never experience in the future for the fact that I have no interest in taking care of something else other than a human like myself or my future husband and kids... and mom and dad and brother and sister.. you get the drift... :)

and I am so going to the mall...

but before that- I'd have to say I am not thinking too straight right now... but I guess I will be after walking around a bit- missed the gym session yesterday *shucks*

There's always something special at the US Open!

2007-08-31T18:06:00.000-07:00

If there is something that perks me up from those bouts of depression- it would be sports, and the fact that I am able to get to talk to people who share my perspective, and frame of mind...

Was glad to have spoken to a close friend of mine from Singapore, back in his last year of academia... and soon to be one more year of housemanship... haven't been talking to him much for the past month or so and was glad I was able to speak some perspective and insight into his life despite the supposed bouts of depression...

It amazing what you can allow yourself to do despite being down yourself... and God has His means and ways to shape people- some in more unique ways than others.. some in more unconventional ways than others... but all in all for His purpose and good... in His perfect timing...

Have not been trying at my diet- think that it's too much to think about such things and I should just enjoy life as it is- exercise more, eat less buckets of biscuits for snacks and I should be fine :)

Meanwhile- am so looking forward to San Diego! It's the long weekend ahead and I am so glad for the week that has passed- certainly went through alot of thought, alot of work and finally got started on the process of the business case after weeks of inactivity...

Wish I could be in New York right now though- I mean when you are in the country of the US Open but are on the other side of the continent- it's a little irritating.. though the time difference works perfectly fine :) and I don't have to wake up at 3am in the mornings like back in Singapore to watch good tennis....

The women's game has been concentrated with many top seeds and the male seeds are pulling through (because it's best of 5 games and not 3 any more) the prize money has been increased to an overall 30 million USD... Man!

I am rooting for my James Blake and Novak! :) Women- hm- Ana Ivanovic and Venus Williams...

"You're always willing to try new things- that is something I admire about you"

Are Mood Swings Legal?

2007-08-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know about that but the past few days have been either pretty ill-directed or not utilized to its full capacity- that gets me pissed and pretty much with every and any one around me... I don't wish to be so and I wonder if it's legal but it sure convinced me that I wouldn't want to be working anywhere near a female boss like that and I know this next statement is going to get all the stares but I would rather work under a guy.

I have been working under my CEO and it has been enriching, it's going to be crazy schedules ahead, and it has been very straight forward despite a lot of uncertainties. With women, you tend to have the I don't know coupled with a lot of crazy mood swings and insane not-solving-the-problem short-sighted remarks and action.

Been pretty much in my own world and observing myself, everyone else, thinking about things and reading up on Sports.

Been feeling that I am defining myself more and more- I have started to feel and sense the sense of purpose. I hope it is thinking more adult-like and not more childishly anymore. And I certainly am thinking faster albeit the lack of sleep. It's a weird feeling, and I don't know how to describe it, but I prefer feeling this way.

I just need to know how to communicate this new person to people in a less demanding and imposing way... As I kick aside the possible unhelpful inputs, I hope to keep hearing nevertheless to find value in those bunch of words for my sake, for my self-improvement.

I do what I believe in my heart to do, and no one dictates where and what I do but God. I don't want to care for those decorum and narrow-minded cultures no more. The fish tank has been too small for me all along. I need to find elsewhere to grow- in the mind...

Jamba juiced my change out of my pockets...

2007-08-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

I love Jamba Juice! There's this franchise that is practically everywhere (though I wish it could be more prevalent) and I love the whole concept. Been drinking it the past 3 days and it's fabulous... I think I might make it a 'religion' soon... *grinz*

but of course it's juicing the change out of my pockets... *sticks tongue out*

Tons of chicken, sports and going berserk?!?

2007-08-27T12:28:00.001-07:00

I've been stealing tons of chicken into my diet plans and I so don't feel like apologizing for my loss of diet plans because I SIMPLY CANNOT BECOME VEGETARIAN!!!

and I love chicken- so it's been sneaking into my non-existent diet plans now :)

Tons of sports- not not actually carrying our the sport (sadly) but watching tons of it on TV and I love James Blake- really... (I just found out I have this affinity for mixed bloods- he's half white, half black american)... The Rock Dwayne Johnson is half black and half Samoan...

Going Berserk because of weight swings as well as a lack of perspective last week - prolly the after effect of not having to head home to study everyday after having that sort of schedule for 6 weeks...

Going Berserk because I have been meaning to go to the Mall so badly in ages but the day I could- I didn't feel like it. I stayed home until I bored the lack of excitement out of me and I headed off to the Mall, only to cuss when the malls starting closing at 6pm on sunday- I should have gone earlier! :(

Church was interesting- went with Joseph, my ex-colleague and the pastor was talking about the right associations. The right associations get you to places God wants you to go. The wrong gets you nowhere. Elisha associated with Elijah, Joshua with Moses, Daniel with his 3 friends.. sometimes if you feel you've out-grown the fish tank you came from, maybe it's time to find another fish tank... find people who can think greater things- things of heaven, not dwell in small-minded and limitations...

Finally some breathing time- or not?

2007-08-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling mighty lethargic, super grumpy and a little jumpy lately- been sick with my nasal voice, sore throat's all gone, headaches come back in spasms and my nose runs most of the time... but it's still manageable and I desperately need to get going on my business case...

Been trying varieties of diets- and going to stick with one after some experimentation. Meanwhile the experimentations have been going awry with my constant stuffing of oneself and it isn't helping alot that I have been having mood swings that tries to emotionally justify why I can and need to eat so much...

Life's a little less engaging these days but can you blame me?

And being back at the office everyday and not going to school feels weird, somewhat a waste of time since I used to be so efficient with time... now that it's supposedly in abundance I take advantage of it and slack alot... not just some...

The BBQ we had at the San Pablo household on saturday was good- tons of people from the new batch turned up and I worked myself cutting fruits, cooking the bbq stuff the whole time and helping to prepare since I felt a little edgy... thought that would be perfect to get rid of the post-exam jitters... which it did but it ended up with me being a little sick and I was down almost the whole of sunday and monday... :( too bad.

Been cooking alot more these days- I wonder how much longer that would last. Being domesticated isn't exactly my forte, but if it's what every girl would have to go through- oh well and let it be then :)

been getting fatter- again- argh. Got to stop, cut and trim... tone, workout and diet.

meanwhile trying to find means and ways to get back here to the valley to work on an internship next year again- got to go through tons of governmental approval but with the determined progression with my career path now that I have a good idea of what I want- that would help me most in it really... *cross fingers*

Meanwhile I am thinking of how to handle the 2 courses taken at Stanford... 2 whole days of classes, 3 whole days of work. Should be more engaging...

and time's passing like there's no tomorrow... pretty fast and before I know it i might be back in singapore already...

Driving's been unnerving lately I think with all the rush to work after the summer breaks and vacations and all... people probably forgot how to drive, including myself. Really got to watch it and watch it good.

A little lost here- sick and the lack of assignments and tests to keep me in check.

High Carbs, No Meat and I practically live out of a Safeway basket... :/

2007-08-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

I am trying to go for the blood type diet that suggests high carbs and no meat for my blood type- so far it's been doing more than ok- except that I cannot stand not eating meat and I occasionally steal meat to eat :(

And I have been going to safeway almost everyday... gosh- I think the people there can recognise this young asian girl who shops to feed a whole farm but she feeds only herself *grinz*

Been studying (or rather trying to study with the lack of energy) and not getting as much out of it as I can- I don't think I would be able to finish studying the whole textbook but I guess the thick bunch of lecture notes would be fine in itself- try 4 inches thick!

and the textbook's another 4 inch thick- oh well :/

Burning my Saturday for the test which is 3 hours long in the afternoon, going for a bbq at one of the juniors' household for house-warming... then guess I gotta do my laundry and...

Finally getting to San Francisco City this sunday- gosh it's way overdue- and a colleague of mine is bringing me there- we're going to take the train to the city since it's mighty expensive to park (try 50 bucks for a couple of hours) and yeah just go hang out, see exhibits at the musuem and shop?!?

Nah it's too expensive there... :/

Meanwhile- study!

Laundry late into the night....

2007-08-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

I had class yesterday and headed over to the Vasquez house to get some practice in for today's gig at the SgConnect event cum picnic. I was confident we would get it pretty soon and my estimation was nowhere wrong. I even had the time to do my laundry after the practice albeit it being rather late (as I had no choice and wouldn't have the time to all weekend) and slept late folding clothes... in my sleep probably as well!

Then we all woke up early to get to the Sg Connect event at Redwood Shores and had a fantastic time! I performed twice, got my pictures taken by quite a few of my friends and even a professional photographer, had contacts passed to me to possibly take part in part-time gigs, as well as got to know everyone else through this. I got to know one of our mentors very well just because of this and I have never been to any of her events she organized as yet. She wants me to take charge of the next event at her place now :)

So much things, so little time...

and I was feeling a little down this afternoon at the lack of activities in my life- maybe the lack of fun activities and a constant occupation... but who's to complain? :)

Bish Bang.

2007-08-09T13:38:00.000-07:00

Phone's dead- Thank God my Daddy told me to bring 2 phones to the US. Problem is though, that I need another phone to have my singaporean line going.. :(

Contacts- good thing I went to task to transferring all the contacts in the old phone to the new some time back when I was in singapore- it could have been worse.

Some friends of mine have been so understanding- and whilst I feel somewhat uncomfortable at having my root causes and illnesses spoken out without so much as a sweat- I guess it's obvious logically- I am surprised to be open about it and not being as defensive as I thought I would be- or characteristically has been... hm... is this maturity? Or submissiveness? or gentleness in spirit? or self-control?

Been trying to study alongside trying to think up the business case plan for my company- since no meetings have been held and generally nothing is up right now :( I am just tasked with studying as hard as I possibly and physically can with the lack of time and energy necessary right now as my midterm was horrendous- scored below the mean (it would never have happened had I been more studious and stopped procrastinating alot earlier and not study 3 days before the exam, or if the mean hadn't been 88 marks out of 100, or if I hadn't gotten those two silly mistakes- would have been up there)...

the next assignment is coming up as with the finals...

just signed up for another 2 Stanford modules for the fall quarter- the last quarter for the year... before I head back to Singapore.

I won't be going to Japan with my family now that things hadn't worked itself out- but might do some traveling within the US before heading home. Dunno. Plans all warped now.

anyways excuses aside- been eating Alot lately! :( this is definitely bad- I wanna fit well into my clothes again! *sigh* Work it out girl!

The events lined up over the weekend are pretty daunting- given the fact that I need to be studying :( more events coming up- more to organize. more to play a huge part in, more to socialise within. I totally have no time to study man- let alone call home and do my laundry...

Life's like that.

And I still need to be finding some internship soon for next year- have to be mapping my modules, have to be handling bills, be a listening ear to everyone I can listen to or have the time to- catch up on sleep...

etc etc etc...

God- give me strength and wisdom to get through it all...

The 7 tenets of Modernism?

2007-08-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

1) The Supremacy of reason.. we believe that rationality works out everything.. best encapsulated in the sentence- ' i think therefore i am'

2) Dichotomy... we can critique the bible but not vice versa.. we feel that we can rationalize the bible--->birth of apologetics

3) The elimination of purpose... we believe that if we bring together the right people, have the right timing, and the right occasion... we'll get the right results

4) Our optimism is always in progress... This is the case for America... America has widened the divide between the first and 3rd world... now they are telling other countries that they should be like the US... cultural imperialism

5) There is the distinction between facts and values... facts are seen as science while religion is associated with values... this also gives rise to the secular versus sacred divide

6)We can visualise all problems in principle, everything can be solved if we have all the required facts and knowledge

7) All humans are emancipated from one another.. there is some individualistic thinking

Bourne Ultimatum

2007-08-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

Way cool man- Matt Damon is a genius at acting and the whole movie was superb!! :)

and I am starting to find myself speaking more American and thinking faster than before- wonder why...

are you really sure it's the weekend?

2007-08-04T10:44:00.000-07:00

It doesn't feel like it- then again my weekends have never been more than mere packing, studying, trying to find a life by hanging out and sleeping oh so little... i couldn't manage to sleep much last night as i slept at 3.30am chatting online, fully expecting to be able to sleep in until 9.30am or as much as my body clock would let me :) guess what? I woke up at the same time i do everyday- 6.45am, tossed and turned until i decided it's no use but to go do my laundry, then i decided to pack my room, and then i managed to throw out tons of stuff- i'm all set to study finally?!?

Hope so. Yesterday's midterm was an eye opener- in the sense that i never ever had to spend so much time per question- and it was as if my speed in calculations had lapsed a great bit- and it wasn't that pleasant an experience when i discovered i had 2 questions out of 5 left in the last 20 min. *shudder*

but i managed to scrape through but didn't manage to check through my paper. I am not even concerned if i got some this and that right- don't wanna spoil my weekend- just got to move on- after all why bother about something that is pass/fail and just maps over credits? I just enjoy the course- don't have to stress myself out.

but now, the business case and report- is another thing altogether. i got to gather up my resources, time and meet the people i need to meet to get things done and soon.

i had the most enjoyable week actually despite having to study so much- i felt so refreshed studying finance, and making the notes and formulae sheets... had dinners with Joanne, a product manager and mentor from oracle (we've had uncanny similar experiences) and Joseph- my assistant finance controller from my company (he's going to help me out with my business case as with my CEO)

Woo!

Beautiful weekends ahead :)

Just need to do one business case (>40 pages), organize events, participate in more, do 2 and a half more courses in stanford, present business case, write more reports do more marketing research, hang out more, network, be a good testimony and attend the christian fellowship stuff etc and not exhaust myself :)

Pictures from Meeting Seth Sternberg, Meebo CEO

2007-08-02T16:48:00.000-07:00

Coming home to His heart?

2007-08-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

Lyrics: Chris Daughtry - Home lyrics

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Some nice, new Christian songs on my drives to work

2007-08-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

How Can I Keep From Singing? (Chris Tomlin)

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your love?
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives
And I will walk with You
Knowing You see me through
And sing the songs You give

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your love?
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And I fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your love?
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart
I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart
I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing
I can sing

Made to Worship (Chris Tomlin)

Before the day
Before the light
Before the world revolved around the sun
God on high
Stepped down into time
And wrote the story of His love for everyone

He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we always remember

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be

All we are
And all we have
Is all a gift from God that we receive
Brought to life
We open up our eyes
To see the majesty and glory of the King

He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we always remember

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be

And even the rocks cry out
And even the Heavens shout
At the sound of His holy name
So let every voice sing out
And let every knee bow down
He is worthy of all our praise

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free, yeah
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see, you and I will see

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free, yeah
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be

Mama's dinner with quite a fair bit of the 12th Batchers!

2007-08-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

don't understand why i am such a procrastinator these days.. :(

2007-07-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

I keep procrastinating studying for the exam last week- with the harry potter stupid craze- and the book wasn't even all that good (only now when I look back in retrospect) and I kept going out with the seniors and juniors for dinners and all of last week and over the weekend- and yes you can imagine I didn't get much studying done and it's all my fault really.. :( but at least i had tons of fun- that i am sure of :)

I've got to mug at home tonight till Thursday night then- then it would be no more- and i would have to face the music...

i have never been like this before- i wonder what sparked the change... hm.

formulae sheet to write (might take hours) and more questions to try out- or i'll be done for.

Did someone move the finish line?

2007-07-29T23:01:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

Wow- it's like opening present after present...

2007-07-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

My new colleague came up to me and started talking to me- asking me whether I was a Christian after realizing that I had the 'spark in my tone' :) he is a Christian too and a very encouraging one in fact-m was saying that the Christians in the workplace should continue to share with one another and be each other's support. He also told me about other colleagues who were Christians... wow.

Wow- Overwhelmed

2007-07-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed by the number of juniors and overwhelmed by how things go without me having to put my hands into it...

The junior are great though I am starting to have a few favourites :p Dalvir is a really nice guy who is good friends with Winston, Mok and knows Newman as well! And then we were talking about playing badminton and all that stuff since he used to be from ACJC badminton :) and then he knows Cherlyn, who went with me for exchange to Uni of Washington and also is from VCF- I was in the same group as her for the last anntic I went for and our paths have crossed many times :)

Then I really didn't know what to do for my business case and God sent a business case plan for me to do and I kinda rejected it in the face of my VPs because I deemed myself too busy to take on another business case plan. I guess God must have known I would and sent my CEO to talk to me about it further- I am roped in now- and I realised finally that this would be my business case plan for my consulting practicum. Wow.

And the topic is exactly what I want and need.

Hung out with the juniors last night till really late and yeah think it'll be very interesting to see who I would be really good friends with- whom I can talk about most things to etc... since we're all going to be taking some modules together in stanford next quarter :) I just regret the lack of time to hang out... Weichong has been a great senior and we've been talking a fair bit- really hope his extension is approved and then we can hang out more often with the juniors also :) Vid and Shao Rong are super nice seniors also :) Just kinda overwhelmed- life was a little more peaceful back then- it's going to be a rocking 5 months :)

Selfish me in my own world?

2007-07-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know too much about that but a rude shock came in yet another 'shot' by a friend in the valley who has been known to do that pretty often to me. I won't back down and let people step all over me right now and like Dumbledore, Colin has taught me to stand on my own feet and stand my ground. Well I did explain myself about my busyness but he mentioned not to 'cry over spilled milk' and that I had been rather irresponsible leaving my buddy in the lurch and not going to meet him etc. At first I was so inclined to defend my position because well- I have been contacting him since day one that I knew he was my buddy and gave him my hp no etc. But this capable guy has no need for it and my style is to leave him until he asks for help whilst i would of course offer it- which is my style. I don't expect guys to be any less independent and less vocal about asking for help as I am.

Yet- there was this thought in my head that told me to step back and see things in a larger picture. I could have offered my help that I intended to my batch mates who have been taking care of them for 2 days now- whether or not I could have since my office is super far away. I could have avoided this email 'arrowing' and 'shootings' by being more astute as to what is going on... then again I hate to be embroiled in those politics. My home is my safe refuge- but is it? should it? Even though i know of intentions to shoot- should I not have come up with a more satisfactory answer that wouldn't seem like i was defending myself since I had nothing to defend and be more wise in choosing my words?

Or maybe I should start to think more for others and less for myself. Stop being selfish even if i feel it doesn't warrant it. Who am I to talk about rights when He has laid everything down?

I am nothing.

The game of life.

2007-07-23T12:58:00.000-07:00

My pastor spoke yesterday about how life is like a monopoly game- people get into the game, look forward to every paycheck at the 'GO' and then try to acquire as much as possible for themselves,stepping over people, bankrupting them and going through all sorts of circumstances to get what they think would be enough should they acquire and achieve more.

People get so consumed with the game and keep accumulating their personal wealth but forget that at the end of the day the game will end, and everything goes back into the cardboard box- just like how we all leave this world in a box- a wooden one.

Death in itself is so certain and so obvious, but yet everyone ignores it and live like there is always a tomorrow. We don't treasure the people and relationships around us, and we delay the time spent with loved ones because there seems to always be a little more time, a little more time to wait, a little more time to achieve slightly more, a little more time to get pass before finally being content.

I was rather awoken from my ideals about life when i heard all that...

The ironic thing was that I went to my friends' place yesterday for dinner and ended up playing the game puerto rico- which is much like a building, trading and accumulating of wealth game like monopoly.. I suddenly didn't have the 'killer instinct' anymore like I used to with the game monopoly, and i just tried to enjoy the game- or tried to- since the rest were so competitive- and some even scolded expletives and chided one another for making stupid mistakes...

I just enjoyed and learnt along the way with my partner who played alongside me and finally understood what my pastor was saying all the more through his preaching and message... It's amazing how God teaches you things in the everyday. :)

Hike! (Ethan took this)

2007-07-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

Hike, Hike, Hike!

2007-07-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

Ethan from my chi alpha group organized this hiking trip which lasted 2 hours to somewhere near santa cruz at skyline... it was fun! Albeit we saw alot of bugs, saw a couple more deers and many more lizards which caused esther to keep screaming and frightening us and the animals more than anything else! :) We had dinner at Cupertino village and went around looking for some restaurants which was crowded- and ended up at this vietnamese place which had very few customers and we were a little worried about that but the food turned out very good!

and oh I found out that Ethan and I have had very similar childhoods- daredevilish kids who keep trying to do stunts on everything :p

Prior to the hike, akshat, jay, weichong and myself went to this indian restaurant and I had my dosai and curry :) shiok!

I honestly also think that I have to stop eating so much :(

The change in tides... wow.

2007-07-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

And I just found out that another very attractive friend of mine has left the dating scene and has been that way since 2 years back! Believe me from knowing this it left me rather shocked yet it's comforting to know that God is calling His people back to focus on Him rather than ourselves... He's not exactly the first person whom I know of would advise me to do this but he told me to use this time wisely to seek God and find back the true meaning of love, which God has intended for all of us... Well well well.. so the unattached have been griping about not being attached and slowly one by one being attached and the ones who have been are keeping their hands off it... it's all rather confusing and amazing to see how one grows in one situation and another through an entirely different situation...

Was sharing with another friend of mine and encouraging him thorugh this singlehood since he has been single for quite some time now- I am glad to have been some sort of a source of help despite my not speaking to him in a long while. I seriously and honestly think that distance makes the best friends out of people, u are genuinely concerned as a friend as a the possibility of anymore would be impossible with the distance... saying that, i feel like organizing getogethers for friends whom i knew individually but we all know each other within some coincidental circle of friends when I get back home... long lists of people who are slowly tying up together into social circles... :)

meanwhile i am trying to give myself space to breathe after being rather pissed off with some situations which are sticky and for once I won't mention it here.. but all I can say is that I keep trying to think that platonic friends are possible, as long as you keep things clear. What I didn't understand was that, guy friends can also be jealous when you are good friends with other guys? But how lame is that? I should be able to talk about anything under the sun and do whatever I like with good friends! I think so... so here I am trying to balance between what people believe to be true and what I believe to be true about our friendship. It hurts when increasingly it starts to not seem the way it used to be anymore and I am slowly but surely being proven wrong... I just found an estranged friend back - must I lose another?

And I finally understand and can explain things in a better way now... relationships wise... attraction at first contact when you have a list of ideals is possible since people like that do exist though the chance is low. But time and energies and meeting someone is essential to convert that attraction into love- that I think was lacking..

*shrug* as I was telling Kohni, these things take time, let them take its own time then! God will direct, and meanwhile just hold onto great friendships and see characters go through fires to discover their strengths and flaws and your own as well... If God wants me married at 35 or 25, who am I to say that's not for me? We plan too much, but God has seen the end of it :)

She just walked through the doors of the church...

2007-07-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

Wow... I just found out a friend of mine is attached and yes though I have been highly suspecting that a fair bit I never had the chance to talk to him about it, or for that matter talk to him! So I found out after asking about his busy schedules and good thing we can click on a common level now- he's an estranged friend whom I am very glad to have patched up with- albeit unsuspectingly... and he told me the girl just "walked through the doors of the church and we hit it off"

It's amazing how some people find their gfs and sole mates and what nots :)

Some other friends of mine- well they just break up... like me. I hope they find joy in their lives and thoughts through it as well! :) and learn to depend more on the Lord day by day- keep trusting despite the hurt, and keep healing from the hurt...

Green nails, Geppers community, Gosh!

2007-07-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

I was too irritated with the lack of attention on my nails and they have as a result either broke or teared or cracked or etc etc etc.. so i did a little unprofessional filing and nail painting to hide the flaws underneath :p and it works :) so I currently look like some freak with too much green paint all over but the toe nails look fine to me :)

I just realised that alot of my good friends are geppers!!! Andrew, Colin, Linus, Lester, Gilbert, Winston... just to name a few.. and I am actually good friends with quite many enough... and they all know each other!!! I guess that is what happens when you're gepper and you're christian and nice :)

Gosh my latest assignment- I just started on it and it looks like an uphill task for me man! I didn't know that writing mini essaies on finance is tougher than the calculations... I spoke too soon... oh well least it's finance and not some crap module I don't like... :)

Can you finish those all by yourself? Yes I can!

2007-07-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

And yes it's bad for me since my fat index shot up yet again but the good thing is that I lost a little weight (haha some form of comfort amidst bubbly fats *grinz*)

I am just eating what I want, which is sometimes not what I need since Linda, my HR manager saw the grapes that I was eating and she commented it's alot! Yes I can finish 1.5 kgs of grapes at one go- beat that.

I am trying to apply for everything that I would like to academic and career wise- starting currently. It feels weird to go back yet again to having this frame work and mindset of trying to achieve this and that- but suddenly I don't have the "if i don't get this i will die or be super disappointed" kind of attitude anymore... I am just happy in my own skin now I guess- and it's such a blessing! I know God will direct me to the right people at the right time... and right now I am trying to see how those people whom he directed into my life would be part of my life's circumstances... :)

Everything feels right for now- and I feel as if I am threading on the right path compared to a year back and more.. albeit doing the same old things... feels weird- a little strange, but surprisingly calming... Is this how it is supposed to be God?

And I am getting better at controlling my desires and wants in shopping- I am restricting and rationalizing things through in my head before I make any decision. This training is good for me even in the future for whatever situations... and of course since taste in clothes and fashion would become more expensive in the future, it is definitely a money-saving technique to muster :)

I am wondering if it would be a good thing to conclude that career goals and finding a mate doesn't go in line... I have found my master, am starting to concretise my mission, but in doing so it rather doesn't give me much time to settle at any one place, which is bad for any relationship or friendship, even family ties. I do continue to minister to people (don't ask me how I can do it- it's God really, I do so unknowingly) even whilst overseas.. and I stay closer to God when I am not in my comfort zone... hm.

got to think about that.

Was a little deranged for a bit...

2007-07-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

It's tuesday and I felt like i had tons this weekend in itself already! :/ perhaps it was due to the long weekend I had (yet again) and then not being able to study much... yesterday had work, class, and two events to attend.. was super tired when i got back... and then had to deal with some car insurance payments and stuff like that... oh well :P life's like that!

But in the midst of the hurry I managed to find some time to talk to a friend I haven't spoken to in a long while (a year maybe) - then again I have been speaking to many friends whom I haven't kept in contact with for a long time... speaking of which another just came online.. ;P I am really glad to keep these friendships of mine though my list of friends to meet up with is seriously extending like crazy end of the year... but I would be glad to! :)

so I encouraged him with some (so he thinks) honest and heart felt words of mine- which definitely came from God since I don't think I could muster up so much in so little time to talk to him but I am glad in the midst of busyness God can still use me... :)

I can fit into my nice clothes again without looking like a cow! :) Despite eating more- maybe that's the key man... *shrug*

and someone called to say bye from the LA airport... well- he's gone now- my good friend is gone now... Will miss him alot.

Uncle Steve and Aunty Linda would be going back to singapore as well for the next month or so, including aunty do hui and uncle wing kong... initially thought that i would be andrew's or ben's hitting partners in tennis (they're 10 and 15 respectively) but guess would have to wait until mid august!

thinking of pampering myself with masks and facials and that this weekend... *luffs* how bimbotic :) i mean- what else can i do right? oh wait, there's the arts and wine festival in mountain view! and church and badminton with bing and hasan and some of my batch mates- should be nice :)

Soccer Game at Stanford!!! :)

2007-07-15T02:08:00.000-07:00

Whoa- soccer game at Stanford this afternoon after sending Ben to the airport in the morning despite having 4 hours of sleep and less after talking for ages over the phone... :p

Captain John Terry netted the winner as Chelsea kicked off their pre-season campaign at Stanford, California with a 2-1 win over Mexican side Club America. He later got the player of the match award shirtless whilst also getting the disney cup (disney sponsored this event)

But honestly, it was that Florent Malouda guy who saved the day with his 74th minute equaliser after América netted their first goal minutes into the game... Ryan said that Chelsea is so well practiced that they are used to playing under pressure, and so it was inevitably when Terry, the only Chelsea man cum captain to have played 90 minutes, rose to nod home the winner with seven minutes remaining.

I seriously thought that the english players were melting in the heat and so the club american players had to draw first blood or forget it all...

I think that there were 2 styles of play- from what I saw... the mexicans from club america tend to do more quick feet and fancy footwork, whereas the Blues go for strength, speed and rushings down the field...

Shevchenkom Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Ashley Cole, Cork, Kalou, Drogba, Malouda... wow. 47,329 in the overwhelming crowd- wow.

With just minutes remaining, Terry's header at the far post from Malouda's free kick wrapped up the game.

The players:

Chelsea (4-3-3): Cech; Johnson, Ben Haim, Terry, Cork; Makelele, Sidwell, Lampard; J Cole, Shevchenko, Robben.

Second half (4-3-3): Cudicini; Johnson (Sinclair 76), Carvalho, Terry, Hutchinson; Essien, Diarra, Wright-Phillips; Malouda, Drogba, Kalou.

Goals: Malouda 74, Terry 83

Booked: Diarra

Club América (4-3-3): Navarrete; O Rojas, R Rojas, Davino, Rodriquez; Villa, Arguello, Mosqueda; Insua, Fernandez, Mendoza.

Second half (4-2-3-1): Navarrete; O Rojas(Tena 64), Cervantes, Iñigo, Zavala; Sanchez, JC Mosqueda (Sub 64); Infante, JJ Mosqueda, Mendoza (Martinez 69); Marquez.

Goals: JC Mosqueda 3

Booked: JC Mosqueda, JJ Mosqueda

The day the sprinklers came on... :p

2007-07-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

We were having our session of worship and spent about 45 min worshiping until the sprinklers suddenly turned on out of nowhere... well we were at the oval right at the end of Palm Drive at stanford and the powerful sprinklers almost came all over us- Glen, myself, Ethan and his Guitar, Esther and her mini drum, and Sarah! It was hilarious- had we been a little to the left or the right- might and would have gotten the showers of blessing really.. NO- we weren't singing the song- send your rain :)

cars are cheap in the US, car fines are not!

2007-07-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

Everyone speeds- and those who get caught are one out of many! I definitely want to appeal but I've got to wait for the ticket details to be mailed to be in 2 weeks' time... oh well, acquitted of one ticket and getting another... was just on this small road driving a little over the speed limit I think (in fact i looked at my speedometer and saw that it was around the correct speed- but i remembered the speed limit wrongly- it's 30 and not 35!) So he booked me.. :(

I guess I could have been booked for more times than this? But I will try to appeal- God help me yet again- everytime I get caught it's seriously and honestly an honest mistake which I don't even know of... if I did so and deliberately as well- then I have no basis for appealing... but I pray the judge will hear my story...

With Scott McNealy! :)

2007-07-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

Menial Everyday tasks...

2007-07-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

It's through the menial everyday, seemingly unimportant details in life that we should look into in glorifying God... If we can handle such small details, God will give us more to be in charge of...

I simply just talk to people- and I enjoy talking to them... and somehow God gives me the capacity to talk to them so much so that they open up to me and share openly about their issues in life- especially with respect to relationships, which people regard as most private and precious to them- and I am amazed, astounded... kinda shocked but feeling a sense of bliss inside- that I don't have to try and own anything, i just have to be myself, and be ready for the time of others' needs and to be there, available for them to talk to, open, sincere and full of empathy...

Christian fellowship on monday was great- we actually prayed through the anglican prayers- which have always had a huge place in my heart and mean alot to me, as well as discussed the forgiveness of sin... there were tons of questions raised- and Glen did enough to raise the questions in our head- so that we would go back to the word to find more wisdom and find out the truth... the truth is that Glen wants us to question the faith, wants us to debate amongst and within ourselves, only then is the faith real and pierces through us deeply, even as we ponder over it and go through struggles in life to understand... I initially did not like the style of leading as I felt that God's word should be concrete and have solid interpretations at the end of the day- but there are so many interpretations- who is to say which is the right one? I really just have to continue having full commitment and confidence in the father Christ, and depend on the Holy Spirit for guidance... :)

Tuesday- I went to work and then went to meet Scott McNealy, ex-CEO of Sun Microsystems, and it was great meeting such a fantastic guy! I am not saying this because I am trying to boot lick or something but there's a difference between the 'fantastic' guys i am exposed to back in singapore and here in the states.. here- fantastic guys are honest, real, very sincere and if they wanna kick someone's ass, they say it outright. like it is. I like that very much- there is so much power in telling the truth and being real...

i shan't go into details about what sort of guys i admire back in singapore...

anyways- then i went to meet colin to grab some dinner and then rented a movie to watch- the Prince and I- kinda lame in some sense but cool in other sense... :)

going to head to bathe and off to school now!

Haiz the days ahead- without colin, without aunty linda and uncle steve... Whatever will I do?

Shopping!?!

2007-07-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

Finally learnt how to shop with discretion from Colin when he, aunty linda and I went to gilroy to shop at about 6 shops (yes just 6) within the span of 2 days! :p the deals were from independence day and has been really good- I am very glad that I got my full black suit finally and would have it to wear for my presentations at the end of the year :)

Went to watch Tranformers with Colin on friday night and then Saturdayt aunty linda called me to come along to the outlets to shop- when initially colin and myself had decided to go as well on saturday... haha great minds think alike.. saturday hung out whole day with aunty linda except until colin came and met us halfway... we shopped for record 10 hours straight... whoever said shopping is not a sport? :p

had lunch and dinner at chinese places aunty linda recommended- and i tell you- the food was excellent i have never eaten anything so delectable and reasonably priced as well over here in the US ! :)

sunday got to church with colin and then went to meet aunty linda for lunch before heading out to the outlets for quite a fair bit of returns.. :) then hung out with aunty linda for dinner and well and went to her place to hang out a bit... haiz she would be leaving next week for singapore and japan for about a month and colin would be leaving this saturday.. which means that i would be alone for most of the time soon... but aunty do hui did ask me to play tennis with her son, andrew, be his hitting partner- which is reasonable since i am super rusty and he's 12 years of age... :P

i loved the sermon last sunday very much... some points i picked out from there are:
To be a christian, you must have:
1. Total commitment to Christ
2. Total confidence in the Father
3. Total dependence on the Holy Spirit

there are 3 steps in fulfilling what God has asked you to:
1. Difficult
2. Impossible
3. Done

When you feel like a task is difficult- that's when you still rely on your own strength to carry it out... but when the task is impossible, that's when God calls you to do it, and you rely on no one but God since you are incapable, and he does it through you- done :)

will be going for chi alpha christian fellowship later... after stanford classes... and dinner.. kinda trying to work from home right now... i am superbly tired. :p

It's not even 2 weeks and I feel it has been 2 months...

2007-07-05T17:25:00.000-07:00

Gosh- time sure passes really slow when you're tearing through it everyday! :)

In any case I can't wait for this weekend to arrive- that would mean another sunday down from the 25 ")

My bosses both would be out of town next week- sweet.

Going to try out another smaller family church with alot of pastors who carry out ministries in stanford itself this coming sunday, or probably go to church with aunty linda and uncle steve- might prove to be more engaging that way! I don't have much time left with them anyways once they get back to Singapore for the 2 years.. :(

Gosh would miss them- like I miss Harville (he just left) and soon, Colin (he would need to leave really soon)

4th July was fantastic for me- went to Aunty Linda's place to have bbq with Uncle steve's wonderful burgers and then went to watch the fireworks display at the nearby park! Every city has its own fireworks display and it was absolutely wonderful... :) I have to admit- nicer than Singapore's... *ops*

But the best thing yet was the means to sleep late! Something I definitely would look forward to this weekend :)

Crazy weekend- here today and gone the next minute!

2007-07-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

Friday came and I woke up in a daze, rushed to the office, went for class and got home to do my laundry- fresh clothes and the weekend was here!!! :)

I watched my wuxia pian on friday night till late night or rather, morning and then slept late (for once) to wake up to sending cindy off at the airport... kinda felt a little giddy from the lack of sleep but went to Kyung Yoon's place anyway to have lunch with the rest of the NOC people as well as squeeze in a short hike near her place- was superb company... went to the vines household and hung out before heading to a chinese restaurant in miltipas to celebrate suqian's birthday :)

Slept late again and woke up in time to go to church on sunday... The new church that I would be going to is 10 minutes from my house and the pastor preaches just the way I like it- intellectual, heart-felt, serious and yet with a touch of humour :) Then went to Harville's host's place to have lunch before heading to Aunty Linda's place for dinner... it was such fine bbqs that we had and yes they do bbqs in the day in the summer- it's cool enough to do so- I didn't realise we only had bbqs back in Singapore at night... :) until my dad mentioned it.. :)

Went for the a night show with Colin and Harville and man was Bruce Willis superb! :) Live Free, Die Hard was tons of action and whilst a little unbelievable, was nevertheless cool like anything.. :)

I got the letter from the Department of Motor Vehicles- thank God my appeal went through and they would be reimbursing me the full amount I paid for the fine :) Grace...

Today-
Meeting with Boss for updates
Bridal shower for supervisor
Class
Dinner
Chi Alpha
HW

Tomorrow-
Work
HW
Meeting

Wednesday- Independence day!!! :) Going to Aunty Linda's to have bbq and see fireworks :)

I really love Uncle Steve and Aunty Linda, they love me so much :) Uncle Steve even got up early to boil soup for me that took him hours- skimming off the beef fat so that I can have the broth with the nutrients...

Not to mention, they're going to help me find a date via their match making sessions *sticks tongue out*

Whatever did I do to deserve such nice people in my life? :)

Turn back to praise!

2007-06-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

I'm tired, physically... spiritually refreshed but mentally very drained... But- in any case, I am glad I attended the Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship group last night and had a good time of meeting like- minded people who love the Lord and are seeking the Lord... I am so glad God has answered my prayers in helping me to find christian support that I can have... :)

Stanford class was good yesterday- albeit very difficult topics and discussions, being slightly intimidated by having 90% of the class being guys... I saw a myraid of nationalities... Tough... :/ God help me...

Blessed be your name in the desert place...

2007-06-27T11:51:00.000-07:00

It is totally amazing... I was having this song in my head, or maybe it got played on the daily radio broadcast over the Christian channel but in any case I was stunned yet again by His love... the two silk strings from heaven still appeared in front of my car to remind me that He has His hands over me for sure... and my friends' encouragements yesterday proved yet again to be wonderful- thanks Colin and Harv! :) I have been having great sleep... and it's all by and due to His grace and no other.. . I need to receive His grace not in vain but in poverty.. Pure poverty, craving no more distancing from the Lord... I can't live a day without Him I realise... It's like love between a couple, when you realize the joy you have in being with someone, you no longer want back the old days of being alone though you might have had nice moments then, but the moments now are even sweeter :) Gosh I am gushing like a young lover :)

And today's devotion reminded me yet again, and with many connections to the song in my head prior to reading the devotion, about allowing God to deliver me from my trials personally... and letting go and letting Him have His way. Whenever we have distress, panic and heartache, it's because we do not trust Him to deliver us Personally. And in the midst of such injustice, I am reminded that everytime I seek justice, I stray away from my focus on Him. Yet I am also reminded that it doesn't mean that I remain a frail young thing ready to be swept away by cunningly used words on me to hurt my confidence... I must have my confidence in the Lord, and speak the truth and in His wisdom to have justice set wherever I go, without hurting anyone and speak with love and tact.

I just remembered that today's radio sermon was on the book of Job, how he refused to let the trials in his life be any reason to curse God. The sermon mentioned that God gives and takes away. And God in His grace said, in summary, to the Woman at the well- I ask you for something that I deserve, but you will ask me for something that you don't deserve.

Wow 3 'sessions' in one... :)

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

One Pure and Holy Passion

2007-06-25T13:19:00.001-07:00

Song I heard on my first drive to work since coming back to the Valley... Wow.

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me on magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after you
To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in the truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you

Lord to know and follow hard after you
And to grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you

Cold Fingers

2007-06-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

And I have to pour myself out as a sacrifice, as nourishment for others, as I grow and learn within these 6 months and more, I have to compose myself, learn myself, learn about myself, love the people around me, encourage as much as I can, be the shining light... :)

I was just thinking to myself after reading my daily devotion that I don't know really how to find myself amidst sorrows in life, because one cannot find oneself through success as we lose our heads over in pride... sorrow removes a person's shallowness, but it doesn't make the person better unless he makes a conscious choice to be so... Someone who has been through sorrows would be able to emphathize... and that someone has to be me, not because I choose or want it to happen, but life's like that and I choose for God to work His way through me through it all...

Just as I had thoughts of how much struggling I would go through and I definitely anticipate more struggles in the time to come, I was stumped as to how to go about it all... I felt so lost, I felt so small... I felt like going home and ending it all...

Then morning came and I managed to crawl out of bed after trying with best efforts to fall asleep repeatedly and went to work early... brought gifts for my boss and supervisor and they were absolutely delighted. Checked through my emails to find very approving emails from them with the work I left before I left for Singapore...

Everyone's so warm and nice and welcoming back in the office! :)

I have yet to get my books for wednesday's lesson but I don't think it should be of any hurry... :)

My exco meeting is tonight and I don't know if I can muster up any strength but I will try! :)

Also trying to reduce my horrendous intake of food- Mom's advice and Ruiyi's challenge... :)

And as I was thinking all these very disturbing thoughts- I spoke to a fellow Vcfer who has been following up on my blog. She really encouraged me by mere words that she found it helped her a lot through her own dating life and she values my frankness and honesty... I told her that if it had in any way encouraged and helped someone with my frankness and sharing, I would have met the goal of my blog, life and mission :)

It was definitely inspiring and then the voice came to me:"Just do what you do best, you don't have to worry about how you're going to go about it, I will do it."

Like wow. 6 months? Challenging. Cold Fingers from the cold but not backing off from the challenge! :)

A little more conversation, a little more words of wisdom...

2007-06-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

I think I talk my thoughts out honestly... but was stumped when asked a tricky question which I didn't know was until I talked it out... realised its complexity and difficulty... and the serious consequences of the wrong advice...

*sticks tongue out*

Ever since I got back to Singapore, been feeling like not going back... but oh well, the days must go on... and promises made to go for more VCF stuff when I do get back is great to look forward to in times of these circumstances...

Ever since I got back to Singapore I have caught up with as many friends as I can comfortably catch up with... leaving some others out inevitably not due to my unwillingness but due to the lack of time, everyone being away in different continents.. and people experiencing different times of their lives...

Ever since I got back to Singapore, I have eaten my favourite Indian Dosai, Curry, Yong Tau Foo, Desserts (with an 's'), Jap food from Pan Pacific Hotel, going for Seafood at Jumbo tomorrow at East Coast, Coffee at our favourite places (Dad, Mom and myself), Shopped at the prime areas of city hall, Thai food at city hall with the epi people, had tea twice in a week at TCC of City Hall, just had nice 5 spices at the newly set up 'Hawker Fare' stalls at suntec city, had Jack's place at Simei, had nice nasi with ayam goreng at Johore, wonderful home cooked meals, terribly nice food cooked by extended family super talented in cooking- poh piah, durian puffs, oh yeah had durian too, muah chee, had steam boat for Fathers' Day dinner with Dad at home, had so much in so little time! oh had lunch at The Cafe Cartel...

I made a promise to Ruiyi to lose the pounds (which are many) by the end of the year... have a nicer complexion due to the wonderful weather, be fitter than now and er try to look better... *grinz*

The world is also getting alot smaller... you can kinda see that my thoughts are pretty much jumbled today but I guess it's the result of going back to the states for yet another leg of the race... pre-race jitters la... Linus and Lester knows Andrew! ok I know of many many more links... which is scary somehow... but singapore's small... then again, maybe my circle of friends is small... either that or I know alot of people... people are starting to see the sort of friends I have around me as close friends... and they all know each other! :) whatever. :)

wonderful 2 weeks of holiday.

can't wait to come back for good... :)

I'm fine, good and thanks everyone!

2007-06-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

I think that whenever I attempt to feel sad about and for myself... God reminds me in more ways than one that I am super loved, appreciated and treasured by the many friends of mine, many of whom I haven't met in ages, many of whom I hardly talk to due to a lack of time and clash of schedules, many of whom I am still very comfortable talking to and with even with such long terms of not being in communication...

How else would you explain that the people whom I needed to talk to at that particular point in time always appear for me to talk to? And whenever I attempt to feel insecure the messages come in, the prayers pour in, the love flows in, the smses come in, and people in particular just want to meet up to chat, talk, and catch up..

My list of people to meet up with at the end of the year is honestly piling... I am glad my dad and mom want to holiday with me in Japan at the end of the year and though those plans are not confirmed- it's something beautiful to look forward to, something for me to countdown towards... 25 more sundays... and each sunday that I go to church is another sunday I thank God for as it approaches the day I come home for good...

My cousin just msned me and told me that I would be in time for my cousin (his brother)'s wedding in december.. which is a good thing since I have and will be missing out on 3 weddings of my cousins! :( I have 35 cousins in all (direct cousins) and I guess missing out on any of theirs is not something I would enjoy but yeah... great to know I won't be missing out on yet one more... :)

Not that the US isn't good and fine but coming back for 2 weeks makes me wanna come back and enjoy the life back in Singapore alot more... Would most probably be extending my graduation to study for a double majors and as a catch net for any modules I might not be able to cope with here on NOC but I hope not! :) Wanna do well and would put my heart and soul into this since He has given this to me... Need to make the best use of it!

Glad to have been back for 2 weeks, meet as many people as I could, enjoy the time with my family, feel sad that I would be going back there so that I would all the more treasure the time I would have back in Singapore when I truly come back for good... I love Singapore, I love the people, I love my family especially, and I love all my wonderful friends... I have good friends to meet this coming december... with one coming back from Australia after his studies... Oh wow... can't wait. Can't wait to be home again... :)

If only.

2007-06-14T06:11:00.000-07:00

I am not going to mope like a little girl who just lost her favourite teddy bear. I think circumstances now are such that it gives me no room to even should I want to. My friends and family members are there for me so much that it would be sacrilege to cry and place all of their encouragement and love in the bin. I have to pick myself up and move on. I have to find myself once again, adapt like I have always been able to, leverage on my strengths and carry on the fight for the next 6 months. I have done it alone. Now's just the situation of not having another person to share my life with. I could have done so much more with what time I had. But I have no regrets. I loved him, I did all I could. It didn't work out. But I had a blast of a time anyways.

Some of you might ask me- why??? You guys were meant for each other and there's no reason not to be together... But sometimes logical people- myself included use too much of the head and too little of the heart. I used to do that a year back. I learnt from it then, he hasn't and now's his time and turn. To love, you must do so emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically... any one of it lacking and you have to go back to the drawing board. I wouldn't go into details as to why- but I would say that I had done all that I could. He hadn't learnt how to. I do not blame anyone. Neither him nor myself nor the people who now say that they didn't think it too good an idea then but didn't dare to stop us then. God allowed it to happen. I allowed it to happen. He allowed it to happen. We also should allow the healing to take place, for life to move on, for others to minister to us, for our future spouses to be blessed with the positive changes in us that would ensue.

Allow the heart to heal, allow the grief to happen. Allow yourself to move on, and let God's wisdom and spirit take charge. I now possess so much to share with others who cross paths with me throughout my life. One more experience, one more chance to minister.

We were perfect for each other. It was just the wrong time. I can't imagine for now another person who is so suited for me- musically inclined, sporty, humourous, a christian, smart and with similar backgrounds... how else do you find someone who loves mushrooms, plays tennis, failed at grade 8 ABRSM practical piano exam, loves jazz, shares the exact same brand of lame humour, understands my spiritual insight, banters with me at an intellectual level I enjoy so much... it's going to be hard not to compare my future bf with him, but I will try to be open to God's leading and not dwell on my own insight.

I need to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways I must acknowledge Him and He will direct my paths.

I think I am taking this pretty well- and it's really because I learnt along the way through NOC on how to lean on God and not on men, not because I know what would happen in the future, but because the future would happen in His time and for His purpose...

Who am I? A blessed child of God.

Great Shots!!! (2)

2007-06-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

Hit pretty good shots during tennis with my parents and it was good :) Liked the serve and the shots I made- think I am finally using what Newman mentioned to be about using the whole body to make the shots... :)

Tried to call him just now and ended up having to put down the phone prematurely due to his phone running out of battery... Whoa I think I kinda disintegrated the moment I heard his voice... *grinz* Oh well- and yes he's taking up golf lessons, and played golf with his parents like yesterday- guess who was doing so as well? *wink*

French Open's been looking pretty good- Justin Henin just won her 4th title; 3rd consecutive title... and the men are looking to play tomorrow morning- early morning... :)

I cut my hair really crazy just and I feel good about it all so- it's short and spiky... *luffs* we'll see...

Great Shots! :)

2007-06-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

I landed 30 min early at Changi International Airport and got my luggage going- meeting my 2 elated parents after nearly a day of traveling (which was pepped up by a really friendly Indian guy next to me who had an 8 hour stopover in Singapore and would take 2 and a half days to get back home himself)...

Meanwhile I am watching the French Open after nearly 5 months of not watching any television... being back home feels great and weird in some sense- it feels like a dream, one which I would hold onto very closely and tightly to my heart in the next 6 months of work and studies...

I went marketing with my mom and bought a lot of what else- fruits! We had breakfast at the market near to our old place and then we went home to watch some Singaporean inspired movie which starred Fann Wong and Gurmit Singh... Was pretty funny :)

Then was to the driving range where I had initially feared that I would hit horrid balls, or not hit much at all... :p and turns out- I hit nearly every one pretty hot and solid! :) It's amazing... I never missed one... and the bad shots can be counted with the fingers on both hands - I bit 100 balls.. :) Yayness! :)

Dinner was great with dede's cooking as usual and of course dinner with family is like any other- tons of vegetables, fish and a lot of fruits! :) Feels so great to be back home... really... I just hope that time won't pass so quickly for me to experience every second of it... :)

Thank you Lord for this opportunity to come home... :)

Such a coincidence! :)

2007-06-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

Wow...

Amazing!

Sunday yesterday was a little marred with my headache when I tried to get up to go to church but I ended up having to sleep more to get rid of the headache of mine... I guess it was the lack of sleep I had due to the fact that me and Harville spent quite a fair amount of time hanging out with cindy saturday night...

So I had my lunch (since I woke up that late) and got to trying to serve some balls but to no avail... it started to fall into place only like an hour into serving... *shoot*

So I hung out at the NOC office with the VJC people who came over for a visit and we hosted them... it was super nice- a bunch of people just approached me (like with the HCJC people) and then we talked and I found out that 3 of them who spoke to me were all part of the musical Les Miserables at VJC which I saw last year! There was the instant connection then, and there was a greater connection after we discovered the coincidence... :) haha... nice... and to add- i remembered their faces from the musical so they were all very happy as you know it's tough putting up a musical or drama... and we discussed drama, studies and all the stuff I usually do with the girls back in CCR... so all in all- I really believe my ministry would be with the Youth for sure now... :)

that Javert character wants to go into medicine and the Cosette girl wants to go overseas- so for some strange reason they talked to me and we discovered the similarities there... :P I would meet up with them at the end of the year before the Cosette girl goes off for her studies... Sweet!

My friends back home have been making dates with me here and there now- gosh won't I be very very busy? :P Packed packed packed... I hope they don't mind me asking my bf to tag along... :) Now I know how it feels to be in his shoes- then he wanted to spend more time with his friends apart from me, but I was insistent on his physically being there for a longer time than he could- I feel evil- but oh well... a week and a half isn't very long if you know what I mean... :/

Speaking about "If you know what I mean" I just watched "Whose line is it anyway" again over u tube last night (yes yes I know I have been going on and on about them umpteen times) but they're really good! :) Ah- drama... tennis... it's all coming back to me now...

I wonder if my friends and family and bf would find me different from when I first left...

*shrug*

We'll wait and see- some things don't change- for sure... My lameless has upped to the same levels as back in Singapore again... haha.

Here for a reason... Glad. :)

2007-06-02T16:42:00.000-07:00

Even if the reason means cleaning up the house within the first week that I am here- I think it's fine by me! :) My house mates were so surprised that a 'da siao jie' like me can do housework and would do cleaning for other people.. ok so it isn't all that much- just perhaps cleaning and moping up the counter tops of the kitchen area- which is really filthy to be honest- I still feel very accomplished... and of course given that I packed my stuff for going home and am more or less ready to go, and woke up early this morning despite a lack of sleep to play tennis with one of my senior's mentor, Bing, who is an enthusiastic tennis player... Woo! I can spell "Wonderful!"

Hey I cook too :)

That brings me back to baking stuff when I am back home in Singapore... Dad took leave for a couple of days to be with me and yes I'm going home in half a week's time... :) I just can't grin enough :)

Of course then I think about the amount of weight I have gained and frown a little.. If I could ask for a favour, it would be for anyone to look incredulous when I say I have put on weight :) ignorance makes a happier girl... this time though! :p

Please want to see me more and not 'more' of me.. *luffs*

Oh well- but least the guys around me don't think that I have gained weight and they don't see the difference... even if the girls have noticed- so what? :) It's the guys who matter... *grinz* no la, it's me.

Church is tomorrow and yes tonight is the dinner with our consulting professor... NICE... tomorrow's dinner is settled with pizza at the NOC office as we would be welcoming some VJC and HCJC people again like before... *gosh I got to stop eating*

Keep gorging these days... Haiz...

Monday, Tuesday- work... then off I go after class back home!!!

eager beaver. heh.

Russians- all of us...

2007-06-01T16:20:00.000-07:00

I have been rushing too much for the past what- 2 weeks? And to my horror and surprise- I haven't so much as updated my blog in a long long time (ok so ten days sounds horrible to me)! :/

I don't know whether to feel proud that I actually have reduced my dependency on updating some thing atop a desktop or thing on my lap whenever I log on at night on my bed... but I have to say- these days give me no time to share whatever I have been through so far- and no time to even think, but thankfully I have time to keep focus on God despite having to drive 2 hours everyday at least to work, home, school and events.. all thanks to radio gospels! :) I usually listen to dah hip hop tunes and funk on my way to work but ever since I chanced upon the channel for sermons and worship songs- I hope and wish and feel that life driving would never be atypical again- and I say Amen to that... :)

So despite the lack of time, I have gained time... :)

I have moved house from the last blog post- moved last friday midnight to be exact and settled into my new home in Mountain View with new housemates and room mates very nicely that night.. despite being caught by the police officer for not stopping at the red light (thank God he let me go- the other time I was fined by a FEMALE officer) and yes saturday meant moving stuff into the house and what nots... having a project meeting at stanford, having to pack for my seattle trip- and I left for seattle that night... :)

Sunday, monday and tuesday was seattle for me... It was so nice! I really enjoyed spending the time I had with Harville, Su Qian, Ben and Andy... we went around to various places in seattle which should have looked more familiar to me but hey- it's been over a year! :)

So we went to the Underground City Tour- that tour guide was so hilarious and I bet Newman would have been able to match his jokes *grinz*, went to the Space Needle (2nd time for me), went to the Experience Music Project (sweet- I recorded some stuff, we had a ball of a time pretending to be concert rock stars and in a real live band, got to play dj with some disney tunes and did some music improv... you get the drift!), Science Fiction Museam (where the distinctive star wars music back ground was definitely identifying), Pioneer Square, headed unsuspectingly into some fun fair on sunday (it was so fun and had tons of food to try), Pike Place Market where I finally saw the fish throwing and tried all the beef jelly stuff and things they sold, Went to the first Starbucks store and got a souvenir, went to the Museum of Flight and saw tons of planes, read the history of American flight history, saw MZ and Marnchi at the Uwajimaya supermarket near pioneer square!!!

Haha and I was supposed to meet them like a weeks back when they came to San Francisco... seems friends have a way of meeting unsuspectingly.. :)

Well it's less than a week to go for me to head back to Singapore! I am trying to finish my project work and work at the office and pack and still be involved in events... trying to catch up on sleep... trying to make myself and people around me happier... juggling... struggling... but as MZ and Marnchi say- I don't have to try to be a child of God- I just am... :)

Well this week's no breather for sure despite being such a short week... the days are long and endless and I have to go for events after dinners and events.. I met up with a bunch of Hwa Chong JC students from Singapore for a visit yesterday night after the talk by Prof Wong on "how to write a business case" (speaking of which, gosh I had better start soon) and well it was nice! :) Was telling Newman that the fact I got swarmed by quite alot of the students last night (who all got my msn) made me feel like I want to serve in the youth ministry for a long time more to come... I think I have this touch with young people (maybe I look their age I don't know *sticks tongue out*) but I definitely enjoy being with them! There would be more coming this sunday and I would be hosting them again... Nice... what a way to brighten up my days! :)

Pack pack pack please! I need to bring back as much as I can from here back to singapore so that i have lesser to bring back at the end of the year... (note the word 'lesser' *grinz*) and yes sat morning brings project meetings for the whole day, dinner with prof wong with it, Sunday brings church service, and more packing... monday and tuesday whole days of work and project work as well... wednesday is last day of class and I am off back Home!!! :)

Can't wait.

What doesn't kill you...

2007-05-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

makes you either sweeter, better, and nobler men and women, or they make us more critical and fault-finding, and more insistent on our own way... (adapted from My Utmost for His Highest)

I have been in a slight daze all week and I must say that although many things have happened to me- housing and all those plans shaken yet again- but somehow I have new and different insights to everything... and somehow I feel alot better about things.. perhaps everything's going the way He wants it to go... and perhaps that is why I just let go and let Him do as He wishes and I am happy... :)

So many things have happened, alot of which not worth mentioning.. but somehow at the end of the day i would look back and see everything as a little something that i needed to go through as part of growing up and having to fend for myself yet not make the fending of oneself of utmost importance.. but to seek first His righteousness and all these things would be given to me as well...

Funny how all the messages from the devotion relate to my situation and each new day reconfirms me more and more in character and in His love... I see how He positions me everyday in every way and I am really glad that I am where I am...

Of course what scares me now is that I might lose the stability of it like how when Adam and Eve saw that they were naked when they ate that fruit... :/ I am worried... But in some sense I hope this worry keeps me holding on to the cross as tightly as I can... and never let go for all that I am worth- which is nothing...

I would be moving this weekend, and everyday's bringing with it tons of more activities, school work, classes, work, and stuff... would be going to seattle this coming weekend for the long memorial day weekend and then coming back to a new home... that I would call for the next 5 months of so after I get back from Singapore... :) I can't believe I am almost halfway done- yet I can't believe that what I would be going through in the next half year to come would be so much more stressing and crazy than it is already...

my weight is again fluctuating like crazy and I am in a rather dire need of a diet... i don't know how and what to do right now... God help me.

Photo of some of my company's people! :)

2007-05-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

Something Beautiful...

2007-05-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

I pitched for the position of VP of Strategic Development in the evening of friday after a long day of hard work, after some time of visiting the overly active dogs which made me change my mind about dog sitting, the presentation at stanford class that morning... (all of which went very very well...) After alot of administrative issues and problems, after so much emotional turmoil, after so much physical agression and school work and work... After some awkwardness because I sensed some resistance to my taking on the position- I finally understood why and I don't know if it is such a good idea to always be so resolute and agressive and not in other areas like housing.... I got the vote of confidence and finally I thought that 'myself' should shine through and I should be whatever I am called to be... and love the unlovables, because He loved me when I was so unlovable... :)

Reading the Word takes you back a step or more and helps you to look at things in their entirety doesn't it? :) And looking at things in its entirety is refreshing! Here I am, with almost every meal being sponsored so far since last week and having decisions thought through and made.. but when I was then in the rut, you can't imagine the confusion and swirling thoughts... :/

I want to thank the wonderful people in my life, treat them better than well, want to love the unlovables with overflowing love from up high... I want to do my job well, plan well, execute and strategise well. I want to learn from such hard and tough lessons with less stressful approaches and thoughts, and treat them as investments in lessons for future situations... :) Home's coming closer everyday... 3 weeks and a little more is all that is left- I have packed more or less for home... for the things I won't be taking out of my luggages... and will be packing soon for going to the new household... such exciting times! I am glad my life ain't sitting still... :)

Swept past the week...

2007-05-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

I came back on Monday a little whoosy from the flight from Denver and Omaha and went to work after a hearty brunch at Denny's... been going through so much admin work the last couple of days as well as the stuff for the company's website. Just applied for my summer class at stanford... and been doing more project work for my spring class... everything's more or less handed in (since I hate to be last min and have those on my mind- what if I forget?)

Been talking to various people about running for the NUSEA committee... after so much collection and recollection of thoughts- I decided to run for the VP of Strategic Development. I know that it would be a blow to my best friend here but I was really torn between not making a friend pissed off and wanting to do my own things... If I had told him earlier- I am sure he would have tried to convince me otherwise, just like he did when I wasn't earlier interested in his post... and then being the warm person I am to almost anything I got roped in somehow... but the lack of knowledge about many things also kept me from making any solid decisions... and a senior of mine told me to make up my mind so that I would not be seen as very wishy washy or selfish because there are other people who would want to run as well... so I sent a reasonably-thought-out email to everyone to declare my intentions. I hope everything's more or less clear now. But in the process I guess I pissed my best friend off- and well... I guess I put him in a rut really.. :(

I am so sorry! :(

meetings and more meetings for my project group and alot more driving than usual as a result... the fuel prices are escalating like crazy and it's getting more expensive than it already is... the housing thing is more or less firmed up since well- all the other options are slowly closing one by one.. the hotel thingy- i called both bank of america up to appeal as well as the hotel- they are supposed to call me back to discuss this- but oh well... if they want it tough- they can have it.

weight's been fluctuating like crazy and portions have been going out of hand... I don't know what is due to what and which is due to which.. I just have to be content whichever way... :)

These few days it has been volunteering at events as well and classes at stanford alongside the meetings.. the election would be tomorrow evening, after I go to my VP of Sales' home to pay his dogs a visit... simply because he wants me to dog-sit for a fee! :) And if this works out, I would get to stay in a super nice place with hot tubs and all... :) hehe... Saturday would be luncheon with either the real estate group we're hosting or meeting the nus prof (depending on whether I get in the committee or not) and dinner at mama's house... sunday is church again and of course... got to start packing to move!

Rantings.

2007-05-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

Sleep holds no meaning for me anymore...

Work has toughened alot and was smashed into my face the moment I got back from Omaha... what did I expect? Some cake? :/

And my paper is not done as yet... and I have tons of administrative things to do like the address update at the court... packing to start moving to the vasquez household as well as project meetings as well as more 'trouble' as the hotel back in Omaha which I reserved and which the lady mentioned when I called that the bookings would be cancelled if I didn't turn up at 6pm. I didn't, and yet they charged me. And now I think I have to be in this frenzy to get my money back- given that I have borrowed some from my dad for the trip and the serious lack of funds that I have right now...

But there are many things to thank God for!

Great company over the weekend... an interesting trip nevertheless... I mean when else could you boast of having to meet the 2nd richest man in the world? :)

I have paid for most of my expenses (rent and insurance and all that) anyway and so 50 bucks would be enough to last till next week for me... I believe.. :)

Some people do owe me a little money here and there which I can collect and spend a little...

Free meals this week due to my volunteering to help out for events... no need for expenditures :)

I did 50% of my work last week and so it wouldn't exactly be all that bad this week.

Thank God for washing machines and dryers that do quite a fair bit of work for us...

Thank God for friends who suddenly randomly encourage you at the right times! (This is what Song Yang sent to me:
"No matter who we are, or what we do, we know that God loves us.

And we can always trust in His unfailing love, a love that is demonstrated
in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Also to thank God for your heart that desires to seek after Him.
I pray that you may just love Him, and grow in Him, trusting in Him even in
your darkest hour, believing in our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

I haven't even met him for such a long time (what a blot out of the blue!)

Of course Matt- thanks for your encouragement through the tag boards.

Harville- thanks for your support and help all these while and being the best friend you've been to me thus far... :)

Newman- thanks for being such a wonderful, witty, charming, encouraging, calming, jovial boyfriend to ease my fears when I needed you most...

Dad, Mom, Kenneth and Hannah: for being the best family in the world, the best ever, being so encouraging, supportive and loving- I am so looking forward to seeing you guys real soon- missing you all suddenly very badly... :/

Si En and Kohni for the constant updates and wonderful conversations over msn that we have...

Adelia for being my best friend through and through- miles apart but we're both still in touch- I'm so glad!

The Vasquez guys for being so supportive and nice despite their having their moments especially Ryan and Bernard and Shuyang...

Colin- for being the very real friend and true to his word as a pal!

Ben- gotten to know you better from being merely an acquaintance- you've been great!

Yangfeng and Julian- housemates- sure we have our moments but you guys have been so supportive and it's been a blast! :)

My stanford groups mates for being so understanding and taking the initiative when I have been unable to: Colin, PeiXian, Gaurav, Alvin, Mike

I wanna join you guys for Bible Study soon- the Chi Alpha group... :)

So much to thank God for.. what am I complaining about?

I guess little Sophie, when you put your heart to it- to thank God- it's very very possible... :)

Omaha Steaks!!!

2007-05-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

And I am here in Omaha, Nebraska right now and have sat through a Tornado warning and had our car swum through huge puddles of water on uneven road surfaces, and much felt like a roller-coasting ride you can find at any theme park... I slept a total of 2 hours from friday morning till saturday 3am and went through 2 hours of queuing and 2 hours of waiting for the Bershire Hathaway's Shareholders' Meeting to start... Tried to keep awake in the process and tried to take note of what the inspirational and witty Mr. Warren Buffet and Mr. Charlie Munger put across and had pretty much fun looking into Recreational Vehicles as well as Yachts, Movable Homes and furniture manufactured by Mr. Buffet's companies... I wouldn't say that I have had a very steep learning curve anywhere but this would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I would love to keep them in my memories to draw upon... probably in a little more time to come... :)

We had some Omaha sight-seeing done and saw the University of Nebraska, Omaha and some memorial sites.. but what was a little more memorable would the shots that Jian Bo, a fellow TJC senior and another bizader took for the few of us (Pauline, Ben, Jianbo and myself) with his professional cameras... he makes 1000 an hour for his services... I think we definitely benefitted from it all.. :)

We had Omaha steaks at The Paxtons and it was great! The steaks were superbly expensive and costed USD 50 bucks each... *ouch* but it was one of the first times I managed to try the medium well done steaks and you could taste the freshness and juice from the succulent steak... *slurp* then we went to go watch Spiderman3- which Newman and I decidedly (seeing it on separate occasions obviously) found rather a rushed job of opening too many cans of worms and trying to wrap the dinner remnants up with a huge table cloth... that's the best description that I can come up with for now... Oh well.. so much for creativity... :)

Came back late and spoke to Newman over the phone... he sounded really happy about his past week and I am really glad for him to have gone through and gotten past some milestones in life.. well at least he's moving onto year 3 whilst his batch had the highest all-time number of retainees... *double ouch*

Thank God... :)

Thank God also for the best bf I have in the world... :) the best family ever- so encouraging and supportive, friends all over who take the time off to invest in me, a good boss who refuses to hire another intern for cheap labour so that he can better mentor me, for friends who put up with my pmses and love me for whom I am, who understand me and advise me ever so often.. for wonderfully successful people who take the time off to engage in our lives.. for everything really.. :)

How tables turn...

2007-05-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

I was the one in the rut last week when everything started to crash into me... and I have been bingeing very much still, these days but it's been feeling alot better emotionally for me... I don't know much about my fellow friends on the same program as well... seems like everyone's breaking up with their other halves back home in singapore and having a horrible time here in the US... I don't know how they're going to climb back onto the boat and keep afloat but the least I can do is try to be there for them when they want someone to talk to... break ups and emotional turmoils and downturns have seem to be the norm these days... it's depressing especially after I just got out of my own rut last week... but I guess that thank God for good friends around me who provide me the support when I really do need it- and good Christian council as well... :) people who constantly pray for you and talk to you about your problems are the best in the world- even if they have to go through those periods when you're having the worse of your pmses... :p

I have been trying to get myself to exercise but the schedules have been so crazy and difficult to predict that I am left with no choice but to bid my time and wait to see what sort of things crop up for me and what is left for me to use for my perusal... the days of writing reports have been few but thank God much has been churned out... I owe my professor an internship logbook as well as a report... I owe my Stanford professor another report and they are all due next week... I would be flying off to Omaha this weekend and so there is this desperate need for me to turn up everything by hopefully tomorrow... and I have classes on wednesdays and fridays... oh well... Life's like that...

Of course I also have to turn up at the court in San Jose to make sure that they got the charge sent to the right address on thursday... and with the meeting with Mozilla it's going to burn the rest of the week away... I don't mind it all really but wow- so much and I ironically feel ok about it all... when I was so easily irritated with everything just last weekend...

So much in so little time... the moving of house, the packing beforehand, more activities, less money, more work, more projects, more meetings, more presentations, updating the dept of motor vehicles about changes in address, getting the CIEE office in washington DC to sign my visas to go back home to singapore... handling people around me - colleagues, friends and more... handling bills and rent, housework... cooking... washing up... ironing... going out... wow...

I'm still surviving... still thriving... still going... :) Thank God... of course there are times I hate every and anything... and I feel like such a horrible christian who doesn't know how to handle everything proper and say the right things and all that... i don't know exactly how to handle everything thrown at me properly.. but hopefully when all's done and that I learn more about myself and things and how to better handle them the next time around... experience is the best teacher... but of course, most times it hurts... the rest of the time, it plain stinks... :)

Some things' like that...

2007-04-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

Fat. Red light run ticket. Bumped Head. Expenses running away like water.

I don't freaking understand why I have been eating uncontrollably- perhaps it's the stress getting to me, perhaps it's buying too much of my favourite foods to put at home. Perhaps it's the increased activity in my gymming sessions. Perhaps I just need to exercise a little less (and I don't already do it often). Perhaps I need to sleep more and then I would eat less. And I don't know quite what it is- fats or muscles. But I can dare say I am pretty fit still... just a lot fatter.

*shrug*

Whatever.

Health Bills, getting lost in stanford and increasing fuel charges every month. It's amazingly expensive and fuel prices are projected to go way over the ceiling. I am worried. My new place is going to be tons further away from my office than it already is... *sweat*

The running of red light. Late at night. The policemen must be stationed at every traffic light junction to catch people unaware. And 'unaware' is the right word, since really- what happened was that I really didn't know what was going on and I didn't see the red light. I just passed the roads and looked out for road signs since I was lost alone at night (pitch dark) looking for directions to the nearest expressway... oh well- God, please- help my appeal to go through... but first- i have to go to the court to have my mailing address changed- and it's in San Jose.

Couldn't the whole situation be worse off?

Yeah I could have had a worse off situation. I could have not made the friends I made over the past 3-4 months. I could have not found the Marina to breathe in the fresh air. I could have gotten into more accidents. I could have died. I could have had a most amazingly horrid experience but I am fine and I am good and shit happens but so what? God's bigger than my problems. Bigger than my 'big' problems too...

Totally forgot that I had a blog... for some days...

2007-04-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

I guess it had to be that head concussion... the doctor whom I saw yesterday said that all's well with me and I shouldn't worry unless sometimes crops up in the next 2 days from the day that I saw her (today's day 2 now) and I am feeling better than ever! :)

Of course there are times when I suddenly feel a little loose in the tongue and start to rattle off bravely like I never used to... perhaps the cells trained in being presumptuous and cautious died and gave way to the newer ones made here where freedom in speech and all things... :P

in any case- I have been very glad to have eaten so much and gained so much weight but not fall into depression... I usually would in the past... of course now's the time for me to start to embark seriously on a diet plan and some form of exercise that would aid me and not harm me... when i started on the 'diet' on April the 1st, I guess I must have made it a joke to myself because since then I ate more than i used to before that... *laughs*

But in any case, yes I shouldn't and wouldn't want to be the fat gf to my bf and not let my parents nag at me for being too robust...

I shall try my best ya? :) God will do the rest...

Got my leave more or less approved! :) Yayness- I think the knock in the head kinda softened my boss' heart and I also gave more deliverables even when he didn't ask for it... so it's more of the visa thing that I have to take care of now and I certainly hope that it is going to be much easier! :)

Weeks are passing by a lot quicker now that I have weekends to look forward to! The time that I have to spend with more variety of people has made the weekends exciting... and I hate to see that it's all going to end by the time I get back home to singapore... so I kinda look forward to seeing my loved ones back at home and my friends... but it's also a sign and indication that my time with close friends like colin and harville would be ending pretty soon...

*haiz*

I would just have to treasure each moment like it's going to be my last... take everyday as an opportunity to shine in little ways for Him...

Week a little horrid.

2007-04-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

I had tons of housing issues to settle the whole of this week, along with alot of 'politics' handling as well as people managing... it's been tough but a great learning lesson and I thank God for granting me favour with the people around me, whom I interacted with for this issue, and they're those with whom I interact with almost everyday- so it was crucial that it had to be done well.. I wouldn't think that I have done a good job in any way but I thank God that I tried my best at least and I believe that God will do the rest... :)

The week passed by very quickly with so much on my mind as a result and I hadn't so much as done alot of constructive work all week! My boss would be coming back from his overseas trip and I have to get something up as soon as possible- so that I can get the leave I need from the company for my visit back home to singapore... :/

God please help me with this...

Then my friends and I got into an accident where alvin's car swerved and hit the curb and barrier whilst turning left. The tyres had worn and the entire car swerved and skidded 360 degrees on the road. Thank God no one else was hurt- but I hit my head on the side of the car and was a little concussed all friday till saturday...

But I managed to go to Monterey Bay, where the US Open for Golf is held at annually- at Pebble Bay Beach! It was absolutely beautiful although I must say that the meal was a little left wanting... The trip down with my professor and batch mates was nice! :) We climbed rocks and visited the scenic 17 mile drive with much beautiful memories etched in crashing waves over rocks... :)

Sunday came and I had a couple of hours' sleep before heading to church and then going to my host's house for lunch. Then I headed to Lake Chabot with Harville and had a short hike, before turning into the marina to have some sights into my everyday life... :P dinner was at this chinese place which serves nice and cheap food.. I just ended my weekend and it was really nice nonetheless.. :)