For a moment I thought I had lost my sense of time...

Ever since I last blogged- it's been a very very hectic though highly anticipated time of the year... it still is- but the thanksgiving holiday lull has led myself to have a break and enjoy late nights hanging out with my juniors whom I won't be seeing for the next 6 months or so- or perhaps for a long time since I probably would be trying to graduate at the same time as everybody else- gain the experience, and try for a 2nd degree (post-grad school or sth). That's that for life time goals- what happens in the years ahead is really up to God and not me, but I guess I can still have some sort of a goal and idea and I doubt it would be too far from the truth as it unravels if I continue to keep an open mind...

Perhaps it's pay back time for me educationally since I haven't exactly been spending too much time on my academics (as I think I should have) back in Singapore and a single newspaper interview/writeup coming out in December is probably going to help me understand my inner thoughts and emotions, which I tend to emote whenever I feel confident, relaxed and unrestricted. I really prefer schooling outside of Singapore.

The people around me have been both fantastic and telling of my nature.

My mentors, now 2 of them in Silicon Valley including Joanne and Joseph have been the largest inspiration of my life. I can't believe I actually passed up a chance to study for one of my courses' midterm to chat with Joanne, but I wasn't surprised that I was floored throughout that conversation. The more I talk to them, the more I realize how much I have changed mentally. I am still the same old me, characteristically straight-forward, garrulous and animated- but with a clearer mind, probably better analytical and argumentative skills (don't know if it's a good sign) and I don't lose my temper all that often anymore... Maybe it's the passing through the crucible, and I have come to be numb to everything after being in such hot broth all the time, it becomes 2nd nature, and you upgrade and improve yourself, and you find yourself more equipped and ready for the future, though at a painful cost everyone nevertheless has to endure.

Friends- I have started to accept the fact of man's basic nature. A nice person can appear to be horrible to be with, and a person who is nice to be with can really be a horrible person inside. However, whatever it is, I have learnt to give people the benefit of the doubt, and only expect the best of everything and everyone. I realize time and again that it does nothing for you to beat yourself down for not giving others the benefit of the doubt nor for giving them so, it only causes you misery. Expect the best out of people, hope not in men but in God, and love not through circumstances but through comprehension. I started throwing away all pre-conception started building time for comprehension, started looking at people's actions and not words- they speak volumes. I have learnt not to hate nor love someone for doing something, for who am I to have the right to love or hate? I just hold that friend's hand along the way, stand aside to let him/her have his/her space- I only illuminate their thoughts so that they know I understand, and having someone else to talk to who doesn't shoot blanks is comforting- I myself certainly should know that- I myself complain too much.

I like the limelight- I used to and still do. I used to use it as a platform for me to show everyone else up- through qualities that I now feel ashamed to even describe. But thank God for people around me who tell me I am amazing on my own and don't need anyone else's approval. If God says I am special and unique, I can't hate myself. I have no choice but to embrace myself. I once asked a random non-Christian friend if he loved himself- he gave me an yes without conviction, a yes without consideration, a yes without a conclusion. A friend who overheard our conversation then asked me after the slight pause everyone else around us had, if I love myself. After thinking for a moment to myself- I told her I like some things about myself, I also do not like some other things about myself, but I love myself. I suppose to me, love is not something you need to explain, it should be spontaneous. It shouldn't be based on anything others say or on how the circumstances unfold. More specifically, it shouldn't be based on how pretty and attractive or nerdy you can be- you understand your strengths and weaknesses, you continue working them out hard, and you do so because you love yourself- I have to and I am learning how to because God loves me.

People who are hard to deal with- everyone is. Whether you are a kind and very considerate young lady with the right airs and decorum or a person whom everyone thinks to be a jerk and has zilch Emotional Quotient- you have to wonder about the former's lack of frankness and honestly due to her decorum, and the latter's willingness to show himself up for what he really is. Which would be a better person? Only God knows and judges- we don't have to announce our liking for either or lack of. Who is easier to deal with? You tell me. I don't think either is easy for sure.

I have some observations which I had picked up along the way, and although they would not stand in almost any and every situation for everyone, I will share some with you now.
- The picky people embrace themselves a lot more than you think, the silent ones have a lot more to say, and a lot more to be shocked by (trust me).
- The nice and helpful people always either have an agenda or are really struggling inside with issues and so they do things to mask their feelings. (don't get me wrong, there are some people who really have had those bad times before and genuinely don't want others to go through those times like themselves, or they have had a close encounters with the ultimate struggles in life- and they have championed victory ever since) *Just know which category they fall into*
- More guys smoke, drink and do drugs compared to girls not because they are easily swayed- it's because they don't have an outlet- given the culture that it's mostly gay for guys to talk about their feelings anyway.
- You reap what you sow (More time hanging out and having a good time really only perpetuates your heightened sense of pleasure, more time concentrating on your goals you set out to achieve sure limits your opportunities to pleasure, but you're sure going to get things done a lot faster)
- The negative people really only put you down to make themselves feel better about themselves (they haven't learnt to embrace themselves, so don't retaliate, but understand their plight and help them out- they'll be grateful because few would bother to)
- When guys tell you you look good that day- they mean it and please take notes (just sth to ease the sombre blog post!)
- Guys are magnet suckers for girls who boost their egos (it could be looks, being helpless or submissive but it sure doesn't encompass tripping their egos- something I have worked to perfection unknowingly)
- If you're attached, you're not really 'attached' in both the hearts and minds of yourself and others until you keep mentioning your partner as a punctuation in every sentence of yours
- Men only work their moves on potentials- those they de-list are out of the picture, forgotten and taken to never exist until such a point in time that circumstances rule them available again
- Men age better- sorry girls
- Men are growth stocks, and women are like Cars that depreciate in value (but there will always be some men who have this thing for antiques :))
- To cap off this already long list- most women need more biological knowledge about their body types and shapes and see more unglamorous pictures of celebrities who need to look good as part of their job scope to feel a little better about themselves :)

Oh, and Being Different does not equate to Opposing Logic... it could be merely voicing out the logic which no one else dares or bothers to say.